Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

Sorry my original post was mainly in response to the seeking legal advice and what a solicitor would probably say. Not that it’s great or what the dad will want, but EOW is pretty standard so I’m not sure a court would particularly go against that if it’s what mum asks for

[quote toobusytothink]@Frazzled99 that sounds awful. I’m shocked. Scared I might have to prepare him for the same thing[/quote]
@toobusytothink yes, I think you might. It's a long lengthy process at court and they will likely side with her. Unless he puts forward that they remain in school and reside with him and see mother at weekends. But you need to work out if he can realistically do that with his job. If not, I'd seriously consider something like 3 weekends and half the holidays. It's a lot of time still and we pick up from school Friday and drop to school Monday so only do that journey twice. The courts won't agree to them staying at the current school and doing 50/50 as it's not in the children's best interest (according to the court) to do the long drive to and from school. Good luck whatever happens. It's so unfair that a woman can just call all the shots like this and a dad is seen as a minor parent. If he does decide to go the court route, it's a prohibited steps order that he needs.

If mum thinks EOW and one night is ok, why can't she have that?

If it's currently 50:50 and neither parent is classed as RP, then your partner has as much right to insist on this as she does. Possibly more as the added disruption of moving home and school and away from his extended family wouldn't apply if the DC stayed with their dad as RP.

The only solution is likely to be to let a judge decide. It doesn't sound like there's a compromise here

*I'm quite shocked at the responses here to be honest.

They've had a good arrangement that worked well for the kids for a long time and he is now getting absolutely NO say where the kids live or go to school?

If this was a mum seeking advice, as the dad has said (who has 50/50 and equal rights) "I'm moving an hour away and changing the children's schools, you only get them EOW now" there would be uproar!

I'm not too clued up on the legal processes but can he apply for an emergency prohibited steps order - so at least it can be post-poned pending a joint agreement in where the kids will go to school and where they will live.

Yes the mum is entitled to move on but decisions on schooling/moving cities should be joint between the parents. Ideally.*

Finally! Someone talking sense.

All those saying suck it up and dad just has to deal, how is changing an arrangement that's been ongoing for the vast majority of their lives and that they're happy with good for the children?

Taking them away from their dad, reducing their time with him considerably while at the same time moving in with a new man and another child, moving them away from their school/friends/activities and extended family.

Absolutely none of this is in the interests of the children. Only if their mum and her new bf.

There’s no reason why he can’t travel to drop them off at school a couple of times a week or ask for longer weekends so he picks them up on a Thursday night and drops them to school on a Monday morning

OP says the mum is refusing to move on any of this.

I'm a mother and, assuming there are no concerns about the father's parenting that we don't know about, I agree that the mother here is being really selfish to her own children. She is prioritising her desire to spend more time with her children over their interests in having an equal relationship with both parents. The children are used to 50/50. Not only is she trying to force them to see less of their Dad but she is doing that at a time when they will also have to get used to a new live in dad in a new house and new school and try to make new friends.
That's a lot for them to deal with all at once. Imagine being a small child and going through all that and suddenly you can't see your Dad as much? I don't think this mother is thinking of her children's best interests at all.

Surely if it's 50:50 he can maintain them at their school, become primary carer and she has EOW etc?

I’m not sure a lot of this is accurate. My partner and his ex had nothing official confirmed but they had a long standing arrangement of days. She had a child with a new partner after and then they broke up, as a result she wanted to change the days my partner had the girls as a result so that it matched up with when her youngest was going to his Dads. My partner didn’t agree to this as he had taken on extra work around when having the girls, when it went to court they sided with sticking to an established routine over swapping it.

She then went to court with her other ex to swap to match when she has the girls and won because they wanted to keep the siblings together when at hers and as it had only been short term it wasn’t considered a routine yet.

I don’t think he will have any input on where she lives though, do they do 50:50 with drop offs and pick ups?

45 min isn’t far, but from 50/50 to EOW and 1 night seems very harsh. And if a mum was posting this the responses would be very different.

I would focus my energy fighting the contact reduction rather than the distance.

Good luck

Jesus the responses on here. So going from 50/50 to eow is a ok if that's what mum wants.

If a dad came on here and said I'm moving 45 mins so now I can only see my kids eow instead of half the time there would be uproar and rightly so.

This is disgraceful behaviour. She is not doing this in the best interest of her children she is doing it in the best interest of herself. Apparently that's fine as long as she's living her best life.

Give me fucking strength.

Yes the issue is really the new school not where she lives. Interesting that doing it a bit differently so they have say 5 consecutive days might work better. The problem with the change in schooling is that he would have to drive 30 mins to their school, then 1hr 15 mins to his work every time. And then the opposite in the afternoon. So going from a 45 min commute (current school is right next to house) to a 1hr 45 min commute. He absolutely would be prepared to do that if necessary but seems unfair if she is the one moving away. Also he gets paid per hour so it would reduce his working hours and pay by 2 hours every day (again something he would do but bit unfair)

@wantmorenow

Surely if it's 50:50 he can maintain them at their school, become primary carer and she has EOW etc?

He can try. Courts treat mums as more important so he’s unlikely to succeed if she doesn’t want that.

It is shit. They have a very good arrangement just now and both parents should preserve that for the children.

Perhaps if dad offered to have the children EOW on top of current arrangement to allow mum to go to boyfriends more easily then she would agree to keep kids in current house?

Different advice to that already posted.

Get legal advice as she needs his permission to move away and he can object. 45 mins isn't far but it's too far for the existing 50:50.

I moved away with my DC, and had to have my ex-h's consent to do so. Also had to agree new custody agreements (EOW) plus I had to agree to foot the bill for ALL travel on the EOWs as I was the one moving, so she should factor this in.

If he doesn't want them to go and they are possibly leaving the former family house, a solicitor and judge will support the 50:50 existing arrangement and prevent her fork moving with them. She's still to move alone if she wants.

Plus if she does move he'll become liable for child maintenance as it's no longer a 50:50 arrangement. She may already thought about this as it'd be extra money in their joint household income!

He needs to refuse this. My ex-h didn't because his work commitments meant we'd never be able to do 50:50 anyway, and he felt it was unfair to hold me back when he'd never be able to do 50:50, but we still went to court to have everything settled officially.

Just want to add that I would love to move away with the kids, but their Dad is here. I think he's an arse but he is their Dad and they love him. I made the mistake of procreating with the idiot, but that was MY mistake, not my kids. Its for me to take the hit on this, not them. For better or worse he is their Dad and they would be heartbroken if I moved them away so he could see less of them.
Being an adult means accepting the consequences of your own decisions, not forcing others, especially your own children, to suffer the hit for your choices.

@bombastical is clearly a selfish, bitter single parent who has done exactly the same as OP’s boyfriend’s ex and doesn’t want to be made to feel guilty about denying her child’s father a proper relationship, hence the defensiveness and anger.

@agreyersky

Just want to add that I would love to move away with the kids, but their Dad is here. I think he's an arse but he is their Dad and they love him. I made the mistake of procreating with the idiot, but that was MY mistake, not my kids. Its for me to take the hit on this, not them. For better or worse he is their Dad and they would be heartbroken if I moved them away so he could see less of them. Being an adult means accepting the consequences of your own decisions, not forcing others, especially your own children, to suffer the hit for your choices.

This is so refreshing to read. If only others thought this way!

@mindutopia

Could they stay with your partner during the week (say 4 days) to facilitate staying in the same school and then she has them Fridays, weekends and holidays? If arrangements have been 50/50 so far, it doesn't seem fair to change that now if he is an involved dad.

This seems far more sensible to me. It seems a big deal to move children from their schools and wider family as well as dad.

So you live 45 mins away from where he is and that’s fine, but she can’t have the same privilege?
Things change. Life changes. He needs to find a way to make this work or he will alienate his ex and see even less if the children.
My advice would be to be 100% supportive and then the ex will be as keen to get to satisfactory agreements all round as he is.

So just to clarify - you don't want the mother to move closer to her partner because that's unfair on your partner and he can't move closer to his children because then he will be too far away from you. Have I read that right?

@Joeblack066

So you live 45 mins away from where he is and that’s fine, but she can’t have the same privilege? Things change. Life changes. He needs to find a way to make this work or he will alienate his ex and see even less if the children. My advice would be to be 100% supportive and then the ex will be as keen to get to satisfactory agreements all round as he is.

Erm op doesn't have kids with him so it's not really comparable is it?

THEY need to make it work and that means compromise for her as well.

@Summertime246

So just to clarify - you don't want the mother to move closer to her partner because that's unfair on your partner and he can't move closer to his children because then he will be too far away from you. Have I read that right?

You've read it wrong.

It's unfair on the partner and his children.
He can't move close to mum because it's further away from his work.

Thank you for most of the responses. They do do EOW currently and then every other day during the week. She goes to her bf’s whenever she doesn’t have kids so sees him lots already.

Thank you @TrustTheGeneGenie that’s exactly correct. It’s the work that’s the problem. I don’t care how far he is from me. We would make it work. His kids come first!

So you live 45 mins away from where he is and that’s fine, but she can’t have the same privilege?
Things change. Life changes. He needs to find a way to make this work or he will alienate his ex and see even less if the children.
My advice would be to be 100% supportive and then the ex will be as keen to get to satisfactory agreements all round as he is.

Oh give over!

OP, is he paying maintenance?

I think it’s interesting that the ex wife has been so emphatic about 50:50 care being made official, to the point that I wonder if that’s actually what has been done to date? Or does the dad just have them to sleep over once they’ve been picked up, had their tea, done their homework etc. It’s a big difference.