Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

Well if he sets up mediation and she doesn't turn up, he has done his bit in the eyes of the court.

I’m so surprised by the comments you’re getting OP. To all the posters insisting mum has the right to move away and ‘live her best life’ - of course she does but she does not have the automatic right to take the children with her and disrupt their pre existing contact arrangements. Yes, having a child with someone can actually tie you to a geographical area. It’s not about the rights of either parent though but the rights of the child to have a relationship with both parents. Where the arrangement is 50:50 and has been working well it is not in the interests of the child to suddenly reduce their contact time with one parent to facilitate the romantic relationship of the other, is it?

[quote toobusytothink]@Quartz2208 interesting point: I really hope not and really don’t think so... but it might be I guess[/quote]
I hope not too it’s just there is an undertone of that possibility in what you say, with her boyfriend and his inflexibility, with her struggling with them on her own, the amount she sees him without them and how she is handling all of this. Her unwillingness to compromise and push it does make this a potential end game that she ends up with the EOW!

*Being 45 minutes away won't stop that. A court will not see that distance as unreasonable, and women aren't obligated to stay in the same area forever. Plenty of children change schools, that is also not wholly unreasonable.

What would your solution be, that his ex stays where she is so it's easier for him? Has he spoken to her? Perhaps she will be content to drop them off sometimes or whatever, although wouldn't be obligated to. If it was an informal arrangement as well then she isn't doing anything wrong. Perhaps the best thing for the children will be moving?*

No one is saying that this woman is obligated to stay anywhere. What people are saying is that she has no right to unilaterally decided to reduce the children's contact with their father by half. She is unwilling to discuss any form of compromise so that 50/50 can remain in place. Dad has attempted to talk to her, she refuses.

How is moving away from their father, their extended family and all their friends in with a man they barely know and his child in any way best for the children?

Well if he sets up mediation and she doesn't turn up, he has done his bit in the eyes of the court.

This is my understanding too although @Collaborate is qualified to answer that, I am not.

He doesn’t even have to do mediation. Just get information about it and a certificate. It’s called a MIAM.

OP please listen to Collaborate and prh47bridge The reason why I suggested you post separately on the legal forum is so all the emotional responses you have had here doesn't drown out the sound legal advice they are giving you. I really feel that is happening. 24 posts of many people who are just giving their opinion. C and P are giving you the legal way forward.

It doesn't matter what MN people think his x ought to do/can do/ could do. What will matter will be what is your BF willing to put into this and how he and his x as ADULTS can resolve this. Legally he has a way forward. If she is not willing to compromise at all I would suggest you go with what Collaborate and prh47bridge have said.

I have in the past had help from C and P and whilst my outcome was not as I wanted I knew I had done the very best I could and better than I would have been able to if they had not advised and helped (this was to do with school admission)

I don't want to sound horrible but 45 mins is not far, and his ex gf has the right to be happy and if this means moving closer to new bf then why not? X

I don't want to sound horrible but 45 mins is not far, and his ex gf has the right to be happy and if this means moving closer to new bf then why not? X

Because the children's happiness and stability comes first perhaps 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Collaborate and @Enko thank you very much. I have looked up the MIAM and it looks as though she doesn’t even need to be involved and it can be done very easily. We will see what she replies to his email. If she shows willingness to move at all I think he will try mediation first. But if she doesn’t he will attend a MIAM as soon as possible.

Good luck with it @toobusytothink it is horrible for all concerned to go through this, and your fella will have moments of being down about this.

To be honest with such diametrically opposed positions mediation isn’t suitable. There’s no grey area. One has to back down.

@letsnotscaretheneighbours it is horrible. I will be there for him whatever the outcome though and he knows that at least. He goes from wanting to fight for full custody one minute to giving in the next. It’s going to be a difficult next few months but I remain optimistic

@Collaborate I know. And I just have a horrible feeling he is the one who will give up because he knows he has to keep her sweet as they have a fairly toxic relationship. She’s nice as pie when she gets her way though 🙄. You never know though. She may be reasonable yet ...🤞

Honestly I think he needs to push to be primary carer so they can remain at their current school.

Blending families is risky and fraught this way they will only be having that one change in their lives and only part time.

It doesn't mean that the situation can't be reviewed in the future perhaps your Bf gets a job closer to where she will be living so they could move school and 50:50 is possible. For now it seems in the DC best interests to remain at their current school and bf have more care.

[quote toobusytothink]@Collaborate I know. And I just have a horrible feeling he is the one who will give up because he knows he has to keep her sweet as they have a fairly toxic relationship. She’s nice as pie when she gets her way though 🙄. You never know though. She may be reasonable yet ...🤞[/quote]
Why do you keep saying this OP? Is he a giver upper in general?

You’ve had good legal advice here. He’s a in relatively strong position given the circumstances.

He doesn’t have to ‘keep her sweet’ because if it came to it the court can decide contact and she would have to adhere to it legally.

What he should focus on is what’s best for his kids. Not what’s best to keep his ex in a good mood.

It seems to me the mum has had it pretty much entirely her own way til now but based entirely on communication between her and your boyfriend. The very fact of bringing in an external input - a mediator, solicitors, the court etc - or even the 'threat' of those may give her a bit of a wake up call to compromise or even change her mind. So far she has only had to deal with her ever flexible ex - and he has been culpable in being perhaps too much of an appeaser - but prise this dynamic open with the possibility of other professional getting involved and she might get a bit of a hop

@toobusytothink completely understand that. I completely backed down but I do regret it because he's frustrated contact since, but that's my situation. Not your DPs

Once you get to Court its out of both of your partners and the Mother's hands. I hope they can work something out between them... Because neither of them will get what they want.
She needs to be seriously told if she doesn't at least back down to the 50/50 agreement... She may be the one to get EOW.
It's just going to take effort from both your partner and the mother.

@toobusytothink

My bf is prepared to compromise as I mentioned: it’s just she won’t even discuss it. She did say she was keen for mediation rather than courts. He has now messaged her asking for mediation but wants reassurance that they are BOTH willing to make compromises and act in the best interests of the kids. But no reply. What happens if he sets mediation up and she doesn’t go? A C100 application says mediation must have been attempted first but she’s not even replying.

But what is his compromise - you haven't detailed it? Just keep saying he will. It would be more honest to accept there actually is no real compromise. Giving the children a regular 45min trip to school (regardless of what parent is travelling) is not a fair on them.

Also to the posters about the mum having it good with a super flexible ex - they were not 50/50 when they first separated. He then lost his job and the op suggests it was unreasonable that his ex expected him to do more child care (presumably as there was no financial contribution) it then reverted to the 50/50 they have now. Not sure he is due a round of applause for acting like a half-decent parent tbh. That double standard is as equally offensive as the one where it is assumed the mum has carté blanch.

(As is the under current of judging the mothers choices and ability to parent from the op. )

Each parent is all about their wants - she wants to move; he wants no change to his life and 50/50 to continue. Neither is stellar.

If your BF gives up and doesn't fight to maintain 50/50, she will continue to make decisions unilaterally regarding the children because she sees him as a pushover.

If she sees he isn't prepared to lose time with his kids, she will think twice before she pulls such a stunt.

She should not reduce his time with his kids like this. When you have children, it's not all about you and your love life.

He's in a strong position due to the current arrangements and his point should focus on the reduced contact he has with his kids.

As 45 minutes is 'nothing', she should easily be able to continue her relationship without moving shouldn't she.

Surely a child not reducing time with an involved parent is more important than moving in with your BF.

I agree the father shouldn't have to compromise on the 50/50 to accommodate the mums love life.

Ultimately the mum is being selfish and going to court is the ultimate way to take the power away from her. Don't give in or give up else this will continue to happen.

So he’s given her one more chance. She eventually replied to his email, not answering any of his questions, stating a few untruths but then asking what he wants. He replied very calmly that he wants 50:50, that the agreement can address any concerns she has to ensure it is a TRUE 50:50 including doctor appointments etc, that he is 100% committed to making it work and asking her to confirm whether or not she agrees with that in principle and then they can start ironing out any concerns/issues... awaiting a response but safe to say if it is a flat no like it was verbally last time, he will fight all the way. Fingers crossed!

There is no TRUE 50/50 though what you are asking for isnt 50/50 it is a true parental partnership. Please dont get bogged down into 50/50 as that can actually be detrimental for everyone. Focus instead on an equal say and a fair split that suits everyone. But that is because I hate the idea of dividing up time like that I find it counter intuitive and not in the childs best interest to get funny over time. Instead it should be a more flexible but entirely joint operation (if that makes sense). Focus on the overall picture rather than the minutae of time.

Do you think she might play dirty and make allegations? Untruths in an email show this

She could do ... but it wouldn’t be true and no evidence. And her previous email stated that he was a great dad etc etc so ...

I know what you mean about true 50:50 but she is refusing to admit it is 50:50 at the moment because apparently she fills in forms and picked up one of the kids when he was ill at school a few weeks ago and needed to go home. So he is trying to say that he will do all that if necessary. I know some people get funny because although it is 50:50 in terms of nights, one is always left doing dentists etc so just trying to address that concern really. But I know what you are saying. It might make sense for one party to do that because they work from home which is only 2 mins from school (her) whereas the other works an hour away (him)