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Original poster

Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

626 replies

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 11:36

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 26/02/2021 13:37

@Branleuse you didn't answer the question I asked.

Bibidy · 26/02/2021 13:39

New non resident girlfriend (OP) lives 45 minutes in the opposite direction which will no doubt be having an impact on how he feels about moving closer to where his children will be.

This is mad though...'where his children will be' - they will only be there because their mum has decided to move them away and cut access to suit her relationship.

Can he really be expected to have to follow her wherever she chooses to go so that it's less easy for her to snatch his time with his kids away whenever she feels like it? He already moved to the area he's in because that's where her family are.

The court would likely insist she did more to facilitate the access, like doing the travelling. The OPs boyfriend would need to weigh up the risk of souring their relationship.

She is the one that has soured the relationship, not him. He would just be responding in the only way that can preserve his current time with his kids.

EnoughnowIthink · 26/02/2021 13:40

I’m with the dad on this one, clearly mum is putting her love life before her dc relationship with their father

In all seriousness, what are people supposed to do? It is absolutely fine to move on with your life. There are no guarentees with new partners - you can try and find one who lives 2 streets away but it doesn't always happen like that. Assuming the ex concerned in this post could genuinely be happy with this man and is a half decent mother who loves her children and wants to maintain her own relationship with them, what is she supposed to do?

All we are seeing here as a compromise is she goes and ex has the kids full time and she sees them every other weekend. I can't imagine she wants that, for all the same reasons her ex doesn't want it the other way. So where is the compromise? How do you find it? It's OK saying 'best interests of children' but best interests of mum and of dad are also important. Essentially this is something that the courts will rule on - OP's partner might get lucky and he might not. Given the children's ages, I suspect it will go against him but could be wrong. NO guarentees eithe way. The courts can't order 'stay put'.

Bibidy · 26/02/2021 13:42

Again though, I'm not saying she shouldn't move.

Only that she should continue to facilitate 50/50 access, for example by dropping the children to their dad after school a couple of times a week, rather than him having to be there at 3.15 to collect them from the gate, which will likely be unworkable as he works a long way in the other direction.

He would have to do a couple of school morning drop-offs a week which won't be great but it sounds like he'd be willing to do that in order to maintain contact. He may be able to rejig his working hours to accommodate this.

Branleuse · 26/02/2021 13:47

[quote ILoveYou3000]@Branleuse you didn't answer the question I asked. [/quote]
8 bloody emails now @ing me. Why is everyone so interested in my opinion? Honestly, do what the fuck you like. I would never have tried to stop my ex moving such a short distance away as this, and if he had tried to stop me, then Id think he was a real dick. I think one of the reasons we had such a positive co-parenting experience was that none of us pulled this shit or tried to stop the other moving on with their lives. Same goes for my mum and dad

Bibidy · 26/02/2021 13:47

@EnoughnowIthink

I’m with the dad on this one, clearly mum is putting her love life before her dc relationship with their father

In all seriousness, what are people supposed to do? It is absolutely fine to move on with your life. There are no guarentees with new partners - you can try and find one who lives 2 streets away but it doesn't always happen like that. Assuming the ex concerned in this post could genuinely be happy with this man and is a half decent mother who loves her children and wants to maintain her own relationship with them, what is she supposed to do?

All we are seeing here as a compromise is she goes and ex has the kids full time and she sees them every other weekend. I can't imagine she wants that, for all the same reasons her ex doesn't want it the other way. So where is the compromise? How do you find it? It's OK saying 'best interests of children' but best interests of mum and of dad are also important. Essentially this is something that the courts will rule on - OP's partner might get lucky and he might not. Given the children's ages, I suspect it will go against him but could be wrong. NO guarentees eithe way. The courts can't order 'stay put'.

The compromise would be that as she is only moving 45 minutes away they could certainly continue the 50/50 arrangement, or close to, if she would do anything to make that possible.

Such as dropping the kids to him or meeting him halfway, or even leaving them in their current school which is near her work?

Aprilx · 26/02/2021 13:47

I haven’t read the full thread, only the first page or two as it is very long now. But I think some of the early harsh responses was because initially OP made far more of an issue about the extra 45 minute travel time than she did about the reduction in contact time. It would be absurd if nobody could ever move more than 45 minutes away from an ex.

In this case, I see no reason why 50:50 cannot continue and that is what he should push for. It is too bad that the current distance is 45 minutes making it 1.5 hours away now, but that is not relevant, she has only moved 45 minutes and that is not something to make a fuss about.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/02/2021 13:49

@EnoughnowIthink

I’m with the dad on this one, clearly mum is putting her love life before her dc relationship with their father

In all seriousness, what are people supposed to do? It is absolutely fine to move on with your life. There are no guarentees with new partners - you can try and find one who lives 2 streets away but it doesn't always happen like that. Assuming the ex concerned in this post could genuinely be happy with this man and is a half decent mother who loves her children and wants to maintain her own relationship with them, what is she supposed to do?

All we are seeing here as a compromise is she goes and ex has the kids full time and she sees them every other weekend. I can't imagine she wants that, for all the same reasons her ex doesn't want it the other way. So where is the compromise? How do you find it? It's OK saying 'best interests of children' but best interests of mum and of dad are also important. Essentially this is something that the courts will rule on - OP's partner might get lucky and he might not. Given the children's ages, I suspect it will go against him but could be wrong. NO guarentees eithe way. The courts can't order 'stay put'.

to me, the compromise would be that she moves (in with her bf of only 18 months) but that she keeps the children at their current school, she keeps the 50/50 and she does the travelling.
Pebbledashery · 26/02/2021 13:56

What the Father needs to do is not oppose the move or apply for a PSO.. he needs to put his case forward for being able to maintain the 50/50 relationship through shared travel and yes he doesn't oppose the Mother moving on with her life etc.. but it doesn't need to detrimentally impact his relationship with his children and forfeit his already established contact arrangements.
That is what the mediator/Court will be interested to hear.
Nothing else.

ILoveYou3000 · 26/02/2021 14:02

8 bloody emails now @ing* me. Why is everyone so interested in my opinion? Honestly, do what the fuck you like. I would never have tried to stop my ex moving such a short distance away as this, and if he had tried to stop me, then Id think he was a real dick. I think one of the reasons we had such a positive co-parenting experience was that none of us pulled this shit or tried to stop the other moving on with their lives. Same goes for my mum and dad

Apologies, I thought this was a discussion. Perhaps people are interested because your opinion differs from theirs and they're attempting to understand.

However, again you've got it wrong. No one is trying to stop anyone doing anything. Mum is free to move if she so chooses, all dad wants is to maintain the same level of contact with his children. How is that wrong? How is that of benefit to the children?

There isn't a positive coparenting relationship here to damage. Mum likes to have her own way, she's unwilling to even engage in a discussion about what's best for her children. The only way this remains positive is if dad gives in and just does what mum wants.

Also 45 minutes in rush hour traffic becomes a lot more and makes for very long days for two young children. But as long as mum gets her own way, who cares hey?

Bibidy · 26/02/2021 14:10

Also 45 minutes in rush hour traffic becomes a lot more and makes for very long days for two young children. But as long as mum gets her own way, who cares hey?

I guess that's why she doesn't want to continue the 50/50.

She wants to move knowing it will make 50/50 difficult for both dad and kids, but also is not willing to have any less time with her children herself.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/02/2021 14:10

@EnoughnowIthink I do agree with you to a large extent. The sad thing is that I have a feeling she will end up getting “her” way, and I don’t mean that nastily. Maybe it is for the best? He will get on with life and probably move closer towards me, suck up only seeing his kids EOW and I night a week, let his kids be “brought up” by another man and we will all have failed those boys who will grow up without their dad really knowing what is going on in their lives despite everything and no matter how hard he tries, how many miles he travels and how many times he FaceTimes them ☹️. It really is sad because at the moment he knows all his kids friends and their parents and the teachers and all aspects of their lives. It’s not the not seeing him that will be distressing, it’s that when they talk about Charlie or Miss White, he won’t know who they are really. I’m sure the kids would be looked after and happy and my bf would cope but it’s just really really sad. And then no doubt when she did want to do something or have a night out or go on holiday, I’m sure she would call on him to “step up” and of course he will go running as any good dad would because he would be keen to see his kids and she knows that so she will always have control over him and have it her way. Sorry - sounding bitter now

OP posts:
Bibidy · 26/02/2021 14:21

He will get on with life and probably move closer towards me, suck up only seeing his kids EOW and I night a week, let his kids be “brought up” by another man and we will all have failed those boys who will grow up without their dad really knowing what is going on in their lives despite everything and no matter how hard he tries, how many miles he travels and how many times he FaceTimes them ☹️.

I think you're letting your emotions get on top of you a little bit here OP!

My DP's ex moved a very long way away after they split and he only has them EOW and a bit in school holidays but he is still very close to them both. He calls them every day and also plays games online with them using headsets so they can chat.SS is 11 now so has a phone and they text every day too.

He knows all about their school lives, teachers etc, and still attends events like plays and sports days etc. You are right that he doesn't see them with their friends though and obviously he misses out on things like taking them to football training or dancing.

I can imagine it feels unthinkable - it did to my DP before they moved away - but he honestly could make it work and be just as close to them as ever, even if it's a bit different.

Not saying he should give up the fight here at all, just saying if he does end up doing EOW and one night a week (more than my OH has!) that he will still be able to have a great relationship with them.

Loveacoseynightin · 26/02/2021 14:21

From my experience it always seems the dad has to compromise.

So in this case the dad will see them less and then whacked with a Child Maintenance payment as well which may impact on his ability to pay for the extra mileage.

I think if the mother moves a reasonable distance away from father than Child Maintenance should no longer be paid. That seems fair to me

Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/02/2021 14:24

In reality if she moves but kids stay at same school I think that is entirely reasonable and they could carry on with 50:50 and it would all be ok. But she is flat out saying no to the 50:50 part at the moment

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 26/02/2021 14:24

The sad thing is that I have a feeling she will end up getting “her” way, and I don’t mean that nastily. Maybe it is for the best? He will get on with life and probably move closer towards me, suck up only seeing his kids EOW and I night a week, let his kids be “brought up” by another man and we will all have failed those boys who will grow up without their dad really knowing what is going on in their lives despite everything and no matter how hard he tries, how many miles he travels and how many times he FaceTimes them

Not if he gets his arse in gear and takes legal advice as has been recommended repeatedly.

He's actually in a very strong position.

Have you posted this on "legal" yet?

Has he started searching for local family lawyers?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/02/2021 14:25

Thank you @Bibidy just having a wobble there for a minute. He would make it work you’re right

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 26/02/2021 14:32

[quote toobusytothink]@EnoughnowIthink I do agree with you to a large extent. The sad thing is that I have a feeling she will end up getting “her” way, and I don’t mean that nastily. Maybe it is for the best? He will get on with life and probably move closer towards me, suck up only seeing his kids EOW and I night a week, let his kids be “brought up” by another man and we will all have failed those boys who will grow up without their dad really knowing what is going on in their lives despite everything and no matter how hard he tries, how many miles he travels and how many times he FaceTimes them ☹️. It really is sad because at the moment he knows all his kids friends and their parents and the teachers and all aspects of their lives. It’s not the not seeing him that will be distressing, it’s that when they talk about Charlie or Miss White, he won’t know who they are really. I’m sure the kids would be looked after and happy and my bf would cope but it’s just really really sad. And then no doubt when she did want to do something or have a night out or go on holiday, I’m sure she would call on him to “step up” and of course he will go running as any good dad would because he would be keen to see his kids and she knows that so she will always have control over him and have it her way. Sorry - sounding bitter now[/quote]
You're not sounding bitter, you're sounding thoughtful and sad and justifiably frustrated given the reasons why all this is happening (i.e. to be blunt, the mum's love life) . It's actually very moving what you have written and expressed very well what the Dad - and his boys - have to lose. All the more reason not to just lie down and accept this and to at least try and stop this (terribly unfair) run-away train

Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/02/2021 14:33

@TatianaBis he has contacted a lawyer now but has asked if she wants to try mediation first

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 26/02/2021 14:34

Just noticed this thread. I agree with Collaborate.

He can't stop her from moving - that would interfere with her human rights. The courts will only stop a parent from moving if it is clear that they are doing so purely to frustrate contract. If the parent has a genuine reason for moving and has thought through how contact will work, the courts will not prevent them from moving.

School, however, is another matter. She can't move the children to a different school without his consent or an appropriate court order. He could apply for a prohibited steps order, which would ensure that she was aware that she couldn't move the children to a different school, or he could apply for an order that the children live with him. I agree with Collaborate that, in this situation, I would go for an order that the children live with him.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/02/2021 14:35

@theleafandnotthetree thank you. I promise he won’t give up easily.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/02/2021 14:35

I wouldn't be happy with my DC being uprooted from their school and friends to move in with someone they haven't lived with before especially when they already have a child too.

That is a huge amount of change for them, it may not even work out as a blended family. It totally changes the dynamic for their Mum and her new partner.

TatianaBis · 26/02/2021 14:41

[quote toobusytothink]@TatianaBis he has contacted a lawyer now but has asked if she wants to try mediation first[/quote]
Don't even think about mediation before getting legal advice.

And he should shop around - different lawyers, quotes, perspectives before deciding who to go with.

TatianaBis · 26/02/2021 14:43

Thanks @prh47bridgeprh47bridge

See OP? All is not doom and gloom.

DeRigueurMortis · 26/02/2021 14:53

Collate and Prh out of interest why would be an order that the children reside with the father be the best/most apropos response?

I would have thought an more conciliatory option would have been better received by the court - but I'm no lawyer!

I'm simply interested from a legal POV why that's the most appropriate/best option?

TIA