Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

@Branleuse clearly believes that mothers own the children, they have the right to “first dibs” on any arrangements and fathers, well they take war they’re given.

Or “offered”

It’s clouding all their responses and means they’re totally unable see the basic starting point here that BOTH parents are equal.

On that basis, we’ll never agree and I (and others) are banging their heads on a brick wall

[quote Pebbledashery]@TrustTheGeneGenie It's not a horrible attitude because nobody has actually asked these children what they want. 5 and 7 is old enough to be able to form an opinion.
And they should both suck it up and put these children first.. but it's quite clear they aren't going to resolve it, so unfortunately he has to pay £215, fill in his C100 form and get the ball rolling = suck it up[/quote]
How do you know that?

I am sure he will do that, but teaching people that they should "suck up" other peoples bad behaviour is not great. Its basically what abusers do...

you know, behave yourself and i'll be nice...

we shouldnt be promoting this as normal - its not normal to behave like that

@TrustTheGeneGenie You aren't the boss of me dear.

[quote Pebbledashery]@TrustTheGeneGenie You aren't the boss of me dear.[/quote]
i never thought i was, i am just pointing out why statements like yours are so wrong. HTH.

[quote BillMasen]@Branleuse clearly believes that mothers own the children, they have the right to “first dibs” on any arrangements and fathers, well they take war they’re given.

Or “offered”

It’s clouding all their responses and means they’re totally unable see the basic starting point here that BOTH parents are equal.

On that basis, we’ll never agree and I (and others) are banging their heads on a brick wall[/quote]
I agree, we are probably never going to change the minds of those whose basic starting point or worldview is that mum is boss, the default parent, she who must be worked around and whose wishes must be complied with. They are like the people who support Trump no matter what. My 14 year old son and I have regular discussions about feminism, men's rights etc which can get heated but it's one thing we agree on - that in this area of family law and wider culture, good men are very often totally shafted.

AND to be clear with you. I wasn't making inference to the Father sucking up the Mother's demands and behaviours.. I was making inference to the fact he should suck it up and do something about and get the matter into Court.
If there's conflict now on arrangements, it's not likely it's going to change.
If he's already seeking legal advice... that says it all.
Suck it up was inferred in a way as he needs to get the ball rolling.
So don't challenge me and tell me to behave.

@toobusytothink
Perhaps he should suggest mediation to her.. because if mediation doesn't work then it will be signed off as unsuccessful and the matter will go the Court.
It might prompt her to rethink her demands.

If by “suck it up” you mean suck up the cost to fight them that’s different to saying he just has to suck it up whatever situation she dictates. So yes I think he might. He has suggested mediation now anyway but said it can only be an option if she is at least prepared to discuss anything other than every other W/e and one night a week. Otherwise there’s no point in even trying. She has past for only ever “agreeing” to things she wants. Her idea of compromise is to tell him what she wants and so he needs to compromise his wants ... we await her reply

@Pebbledashery cross post! Let’s hope she agrees to mediation. Thank you

@toobusytothink No - that's not the context of what I meant "suck it up" in.
Take it from someone who knows.. I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE the Father of my daughter to be part of her life, if he wasn't a vile and twisted psychopath narc abuser, GOOD fathers get pushed aside when it comes to these types of situations.
When I meant suck it up, I just meant - he needs to do something about it and not expect her to change her mind! she will have a big shock waiting for her in Court if it goes that way.

@bombastical

and I’m afraid you bleat on about “best interest of the child” but your post clearly illustrates that you are only interested in best interests of your BF. You’ve had it cushy up until now. She’s entitled to move on and live her best life. Best interests of the kids doesn’t mean you and your BF getting your own way. Your BF can still do 50/50 but he’s going to have to make some adjustments, put in more legwork and make ore effort. He was lucky it was all in his doorstep up until now. The majority of people I know who have split, the woman moves away and it’s further than 45 minutes. You should be breathing a sigh of relief to be honest. One woman I know moved back to her hometown after the split which was 3 hours away. Nasty and expensive court battle. They ruled in her favour. Make the 45 minutes work. He can start work earlier one day and finish early and go pick them up. There’s no reason why he can’t travel to drop them off at school a couple of times a week or ask for longer weekends so he picks them up on a Thursday night and drops them to school on a Monday morning. He can also ask for more holiday time so have more full weeks to make up. There are 6 weeks summer hols. If he doesn’t want to try and work around then that’s not acceptable behaviour and he’s throwing a tantrum for his own benefit and laziness rather than “best interests of child” which is often trotted out by selfish men who are no longer just getting their own way.

Did we read the same post? What a croc of shite of a response. So it’s ok for mum to move away even if it is only 45 minutes but then dad has to jump through hoops to maintain the same contact before mum moves closer to her bf. I’m with the dad on this one, clearly mum is putting her love life before her dc relationship with their father.

@Pebbledashery I genuinely am sorry for what you’ve been through. And apologies - it turns out we are more in agreement than it first appeared

He needs to apply for an emergency hearing for a Prohibited Steps Order as his first action.

She’s already told him that she’s not willing to compromise, so there’s a strong chance that she’ll pack up and move before he can start mediation and/or as soon as she gets wind that he’s going to take the matter to court.

The PSO would stop her moving the kids in the interim.

do you honestly think its ok for your ex to dictate the actual town you live in ?

He isn't. He's asking for a discussion regarding their shared children and where they'll live and go to school, and how often they'll be seeing dad.

I'll ask you @Branleuse how is moving two children away from everything and everyone they've known and in with a man they hardly see and his child of any benefit to those children? Especially when the move is unnecessary and about the wants of one parent.

The OPs boyfriend has been doing 50/50 for 2 years and been split up for 4 years. The kids are 5 and 7, so im assuming when they split, she had the kids the majority of the time, as the youngest was a baby, otherwise I think this would have been mentioned in the post and then has offered or agreed to 50/50. New non resident girlfriend (OP) lives 45 minutes in the opposite direction which will no doubt be having an impact on how he feels about moving closer to where his children will be. Its got nothing to do with how important I feel fathers are in relation to the mother. I just think that if you split up with someone then you should be very careful about what limitations you then try and put on their life within reason. Legally she will almost certainly be allowed to move 45 minutes away as it isnt far, so the point now is how you make it work. Not how do i stop my ex from moving

@ILoveYou3000 I think its important to take into account ALL the people involved, including the mother. If we were talking about her moving hundreds of miles away then id definitely see the point of this, but 45 minutes drive is seen as a totally reasonable commute for OPs boyfriends work and to see his girlfriend, but is now being advised on legal prohibited steps for his ex to move.

Honestly, I think some of you here just want drama and expensive legal battles, when this is not even a massive problem. Most of us have cars. Absolutely doable to have regular and frequent access to children 45 minutes away

They were actually still on the same house for quite a while post “split” so he still got home every night for 5:30 and shared doing tea and bath time etc although was out of the house 6 every morning so she did do that end of things. She was actually the one who insisted on 50:50 because at first she was angry he had met me and didn’t think it was fair he got to see his gf while she looked after the kids and then once she met her bf insisted on it because it wasn’t fair that he got to spend more time with me than she did with her bf. So never about best interests of boys. Bf was and is more than happy to do his half. He never expected anything else

It wouldn’t be a 45 commute though. It is currently but if he had to drop kids and then go to work it would turn into a 45 min drive to school then a 1 hr 15 min commute to work so 2 hours!

@Pebbledashery

AND to be clear with you. I wasn't making inference to the Father sucking up the Mother's demands and behaviours.. I was making inference to the fact he should suck it up and do something about and get the matter into Court. If there's conflict now on arrangements, it's not likely it's going to change. If he's already seeking legal advice... that says it all. Suck it up was inferred in a way as he needs to get the ball rolling. So don't challenge me and tell me to behave.

i'm not telling you how to behave... i'm telling you what you said was wrong.

@toobusytothink - I'm not sure why you're getting such a rough trot- kids currently see both parents an equal amount of time, in the area they are established- I don't see where you are being even slightly unreasonable in saying he wants this to continue- can only advise legal advice ASAP to formalise arrangement and keep them where their family, her family and friends already reside

It's not a horrible attitude because nobody has actually asked these children what they want. 5 and 7 is old enough to be able to form an opinion.
And they should both suck it up and put these children first.. but it's quite clear they aren't going to resolve it, so unfortunately he has to pay £215, fill in his C100 form and get the ball rolling = suck it up

It really isn't. That's putting an immense amount of pressure on two very young children, who will be scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting one or both parents.

What happens if each child wants something different? Who gets their way then?

The OP's partner is willing to compromise, his ex won't even discuss anything with him so how he is in the wrong in any way?

Legally she will almost certainly be allowed to move 45 minutes away as it isnt far, so the point now is how you make it work. Not how do i stop my ex from moving

Absolutely she can move but the children can't change schools unless there is agreement from the parents with PR. Also if the move impacts the children's rights to see both parents as per the status quo then a court is likely to intervene.

The Ex's relationship is still relatively new so a move is a big risk for the children.

The Ex can move but she has to get agreement from the nrp since the change is significant to the current arrangements. If the dad applies for a PSO it will be granted until all the facts can be looked into. She needs to tread carefully as courts take a dim view of a parent acting unilaterally.

Op, the Ex would have to show a court that the move is overwhelmingly in the children's best interests. It would need to outweigh the downsides of reduced contact from the other parent, move of schools and away from other family members.

Court will damage the co-parenting relationship as to "win" you will have to show the Ex is acting selfishly. Conversely the Ex will have to show that your partner isn't an involved parent. This is why court should not be used unless all avenues explored. Sometimes the better parent is the one who avoids conflict but it's a difficult balance.

I think online dating causes more people to date further afield so makes these situations more likely.

Although he's suggested mediation he really needs to apply for a prohibitive steps order as well so she can't remove them from their current school. He should also notify the school as to the current situation and that as things stand he will not be agreeing to them moving schools.

The court would likely insist she did more to facilitate the access, like doing the travelling. The OPs boyfriend would need to weigh up the risk of souring their relationship. Thats the reality of it

nobody has actually asked these children what they want. 5 and 7 is old enough to be able to form an opinion

What an unfair amount of pressure to put on a small child.

It reminds me of the scene in Catch Me if You Can when he's asked to write down whether he wants to live with his Mum or Dad on a piece of paper and they keep telling him 'it's not a test'.