Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

@DeRigueurMortis - The court's primary concern is the children's best interests, not how conciliatory the parents are being (although it is unlikely to go well for a parent who is clearly being unreasonable). In this case, applying for the children to live with him gets all options on the table. It opens up the possibility of them staying close to their current school and friends. It shows he is thinking about their best interests, whereas his ex is primarily thinking about her desire to live with or near her boyfriend.

@prh47bridge

Thank you for the explanation. Sounds very sensible.

Hopefully the OP and her BF will take heed of your sound advice.

@prh47bridge is applying for some care the c100 form which is the same one you use for the Prohibited Steps Order? It talks about compulsory attempt at mediation first. Is this strictly necessary? Thank you. Should he tell her he is applying for it/either

Yes, C100 is the form you need.

Mediation is not compulsory. Attendance at an MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) is compulsory unless one of the exemptions applies. He can attend the MIAM and say he is not willing to attempt mediation. However, it will look better if he does try mediation and may enable a settlement without going to court.

She will be informed that he is applying. She is entitled to oppose his application.

Thank you. That’s great.

@agreyersky

Just want to add that I would love to move away with the kids, but their Dad is here. I think he's an arse but he is their Dad and they love him. I made the mistake of procreating with the idiot, but that was MY mistake, not my kids. Its for me to take the hit on this, not them. For better or worse he is their Dad and they would be heartbroken if I moved them away so he could see less of them. Being an adult means accepting the consequences of your own decisions, not forcing others, especially your own children, to suffer the hit for your choices.

I've done the same. Fuck knows why when their dad was only seeing them for 6 hours per week, and not at all since covid. But at least this way I've done everything I can to maintain that relationship.

Even when I was in a serious relationship I chose to stay in my home town not move to new DPs like he wanted. (Just as well really as we broke up )

Haha yes well me too. I actually get on really well with my ex but even if I didn’t I would never move away from him despite the fact that 30 mins further north houses are soooooo much cheaper. So until the kids are 18 I will be around. I believe I have an obligation to them and it’s not just what I want.

I know my bf is concerned that she has only known him 18 months and it could very easily go tits up, but by then she will already have moved away from everything the kids have ever known. Not sure what the equivalent for a woman is for thinking with their dick 😄. It actually also worries him that she is never alone just with the kids and never really has been. I’m not sure and don’t want to be derogatory about her but think she does struggle with them by herself (she has admitted this and it’s hardly surprising as I would too!) so I definitely think she is wanting to move in with him so soon because of the support he can give with the kids which seems wrong to me (and makes it more bizarre that she doesn’t want to continue with the 50:50). Maybe it is money motivated as others have suggested too. I don’t want to make false accusations though. I just don’t know or understand really her thinking

@MillieMooBee

I never ever understand and double standard in a situation like this. I mean both with regards to society in generally and the Mumsnet world. Why is it that the mum gets to decide everything? I don't get it. If the dad wanted to over 45 mins away and just tell the mum ' you can have em every other weekend' there would be uproar!!

I genuinely don’t understand it. So many of these replies have been the most horrifying comments I’ve read on MN since I joined five years ago.

What angers me is that these ‘she can have them whenever she likes and move wherever and he should be happy with EOW and suck it up cos he’s the man’ posts don’t just harm children and fathers, they harm women too as they contribute to the idea that a father has less responsibility morally and legally for his kids and therefore when relationships end (and during them!) kids are a woman’s primary domain. Which has so many far reaching implications!

I made a child 50\50 with my husband and I would defend to my last breath his right to have EQUAL access to, time with, responsibility for, proximity to that child. No matter what.

Some people are really putting the children last here. So awful to see.

I’d think that the ex would be more open to mediation once she realises that your bf is serious and that the court could well award him residency. Were that to happen she would be liable for maintenance if the split is not 50/50.

I'd suggested he becomes resident parent, the kids stay in school and the mum can have every other weekend, she is the one choosing to move.

@ColdBrightClearMorning - it's pretty standard. Unfortunately I wouldn't accept going from a 50/50 time with my kids to EOW, but men do seem to be supposed to be delighted with whatever they are 'given' and just be silent and grateful.

Haven’t RTFT

But don’t see a problem with a move 45 mins away.

Where am from (Sydney) that could potentially be a quick trip from one side of the city to another!

Pop on a CD & could stop off at new places to visit along the drive & make it a fun trip

Would negotiate to meet halfway sometimes or one drops off/other picks up etc

If he has had primary visitation before then that should still stand though!

Also if he has been having 50/50 visitation up until now

Then there is no reason to believe the courts won’t formalise that

Based on it being the prior agreement

He should take her to court as he isn’t fighting to get anything new, just to formalise the current arrangement.

Having to pull them out of their current school sounds like it could work in your favour

As she is essentially uprooting them out of choice isn’t she

I don't understand some of these replies. She doesn"t get to just uproot them from school and stop 50/50 care. Your bf needs to get a court order asap.

@Wingingit15 yes it is incredibly hard, and I spent 2 years getting over the fact that he has residence. However she is happy where she is and that is the important thing.

@gutful you don't even need to rtft just the OP to see that the move means going from 50/50 care to EOW.

I too am surprised by the responses. Mn at its best?

@toobusytothink

Wow I’m shocked at the responses so far. What about putting the kids first? Surely they deserve to have a relationship with their dad?

Being 45 minutes away won't stop that. A court will not see that distance as unreasonable, and women aren't obligated to stay in the same area forever. Plenty of children change schools, that is also not wholly unreasonable.

What would your solution be, that his ex stays where she is so it's easier for him? Has he spoken to her? Perhaps she will be content to drop them off sometimes or whatever, although wouldn't be obligated to. If it was an informal arrangement as well then she isn't doing anything wrong. Perhaps the best thing for the children will be moving?

@Oblomov21

I too am surprised by the responses. Mn at its best?

She is moving a reasonable distance away, I agree that 50/50 she should carry on with, but I don't believe women should be forced to stay somewhere because of their ex and not be permitted to move on- if the man wanted to move, would he be told it was selfish? Or is it just us women who have to martyr ourselves?

@letsnotscaretheneighbours that’s an incredibly selfless view. Thanks for the food for thought

I just think that going straight to court and that amount of court orders basically removes ANY chance of an amicable arrangement going forward and they have a long time of co-parenting ahead.

Of course she should not just be able to say I am moving and take them out of school and remove the 50/50 but him just saying no keeps them all trapped for the next 13 years in the same place and doesnt allow either of wiggle room in the future. He seemingly has sacrificed his career so far to be there for them but they are growing up they wont always need him to do that

I have said before I think the need to have EQUAL time isnt always best because a 50/50 split is rigid and inflexible. A FAIR dividing that allows for 2 co-parents is a much better way forward and allows for a lot more give in the system (taking into account for example holidays/bank holidays/inset days etc) and have a divide that suits both parents while remaining in the range of equal care without needing to be exactly 50/50.

The first stage here if possible should have been discussing and compromising before getting the court or legal advice involved (that is going to be incredibly expensive and time consuming and stressful for all involved) with trying to figure out how to make it work for both parents and the children - particularly given that the ex's family live nearby as well and the use of them. Open discussions relating to whether staying at the school or moving schools and the future plans in terms of high school.

Both seem unable to do that from the OP so yes then court. But at the moment the OP paints her partner as being a man who either wants to roll over and give her all she wants or just say no it isnt happening rather than trying to figure out how to make it work.

That said @toobusytothink are you sure that this isnt her wanting him to take residence and abandon her children she just wants it to be his fault rather than hers

@Wingingit15 I think it has changed my perspective on residence. I am twice divorced with a child from each relationship. My first ex husband was physically and mentally abusive so it was safer for my eldest to be with me.

My daughters father is closet gay, and that is why I left because he didn't tell me and I didn't just want companionship. Unfortunately due to his job we'd moved many times and I got made redundant. In my role most work is where I grew up which was 180 miles away so I understand why he did it. Sad thing is he agreed to her coming with me initially. I found out about the court order stopping her 2 days before I completed on the purchase of what was supposed to be our family home.

@Wingingit15 sorry didn't finish that. I think we automatically assume children should be with their mothers but I don't think it's right that it is the norm as Dads are equally as able to bring children up, although I don't envy my ex the period talk

My bf is prepared to compromise as I mentioned: it’s just she won’t even discuss it. She did say she was keen for mediation rather than courts. He has now messaged her asking for mediation but wants reassurance that they are BOTH willing to make compromises and act in the best interests of the kids. But no reply. What happens if he sets mediation up and she doesn’t go? A C100 application says mediation must have been attempted first but she’s not even replying.

@Quartz2208 interesting point: I really hope not and really don’t think so... but it might be I guess