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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

251 replies

meanwhilebacktobasics · 24/02/2021 06:09

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

OP posts:
Likeariverthat · 05/03/2021 20:27

I've just read the whole thread, OP. Well done on not contacting him today. Remember that the Samaritans' reason for existence is literally so that people can call them when they need someone to talk to, so do pick up the phone to them if you want to. The person on the other end will be so glad to support you.

Mupp64 · 05/03/2021 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Newestname001 · 06/03/2021 05:10

Hip! Hip Hurrah @meanwhilebacktobasics! One less day with Whatsisname and one more day of a much better future. Now pass over one of those Jaffacakes please! 🌹

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 06/03/2021 08:27

Bravo @meanwhilebacktobasics

Congratulations on not caving in yesterday.

Must watch Jaffa cake video

DoverSoul · 06/03/2021 10:36

meanwhile you are doing brilliantly Smile

Mupp64 you are being very harsh. Not everyone is capable of just switching off the results of years of bullying and grooming. If they need to work through it with those who can help them then let them do that without being made to feel as if they need to grow a pair and get over it immediately Hmm

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 06/03/2021 12:03

Thank you all, I think I'm doing okay....definitely recommend jaffa cakes.

@mupp64 it probably does feel like a pity party when you read it, and believe me, if you saw me 3 years ago, I did have " a pair" . Fast forward onto been bullied and coerced ,isolated and demeaned has stripped that. I've taken any and all the support offered to me to get away and believe me, I am going to work hard at rediscovering the happy,successful woman I used to be , and if I can vent onhere, learn the red flags, and have a boost through antidepressants to get me going then it's all worthwhile.

Remember it's only been a recent break up, I will get there. I was heavily invested in this man, he wasnt always showing that side,especially not in the beginning, I loved him. Now I have to unlearn everything I thought and hoped he was as I face and accept the truth. Thats pretty tough.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 06/03/2021 15:42

Keep going OP Flowers

fuzzymoon · 06/03/2021 16:27

You're amazing !!
Your inner strength is incredible.
Keep going, keep seeing your worth and keep remembering the person you were before him and who you will be again.

TurquoiseDragon · 06/03/2021 17:26

@Mupp64

I've read all of this thread and it's about time you grew a pair - you are constantly re referring back to him and this relationship - if you've read through the Freedom Programme booklets - I think you've identified what personality he is - matching up the patterns of his behaviour on what you have read and obviously now kick yourself for playing ball with a control freak and manipulator - get over it - he's history - move on - also what the hell is a GP going to do !!!! Tablets!!! You are reacting to an arsehole - there's no medical intervention for it - Take responsibility and go forward- WA love to talk but you constantly talking about your despair keeps you in the same mindset cycle - I'm guessing they are being kind - but you have to go forward and stop looking back and analysing - ( I'm sure WA & your GP telling you this ) it's done - it's over - who gives a fuck what he or his family think
I left an abuser after 30 years. You don't click your fingers and move on, just like that. It takes time to heal. It took me about 2.5 to 3 years to feel like I was recovered.

OP needs a little time too. It's necessary.

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 06/03/2021 18:10

I'm feeling brighter. I've been out today and cooked a proper meal..I'm looking forward to eating in peace without the oppressed atmosphere.
I chatted
D to someone when I was out and realised I have a different voice now..its my normal voice! It didnt sound guarded,wary,hesitant....all of these things I am seeing now I've got clarity.
Hes brought chaos and distress into my old life. This is my new one now.

OP posts:
DoverSoul · 06/03/2021 18:28

That's so good to hear, meanwhile - enjoy! Smile

fuzzymoon · 06/03/2021 20:51

This is incredible to hear.
Keep going.
Keep strong
Keep being the old you. Thanks

Yebanksandbraes · 06/03/2021 22:54

You are doing so well OP, keep going.
He wanted to have complete and utter control over you, to strip away your identity and have you all to himself. Still it would never have been enough.
You are a good person and probably wanted to help him, nurture him and heal him. That was how he manipulated you. He pretended to be lovely at times, a vulnerable man you could help. He wasn't.
He was never a nice person.
You have been so strong and I can see how hard it's been for you.
You have been amazing, but like others said you are free now.
Many of us have been there and it is always, always better when men like this are out of our lives.
You didn't cause his problems, you are not to blame.
You have unlocked the cage he kept you in and are walking further away from it every day. One day it will be out of sight completely.

that1970shouse · 07/03/2021 00:07

You will have up days and down days. I’m so pleased that today has been a good day. As time goes on, you will have more up days and fewer down days but they will still come. Be kind to yourself. Ignore Mupp64. Take all the help you need that you can get.

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 07/03/2021 12:20

I am making a real effort to take on board everything that has been said, thank you. That even includes the post from Mupp64, which has been deleted. Everyone has their own take on this, and if you've not been the boiled frog then its incomprehensible to understand how it can ever get to that stage. I'm sure I'd have been nonplussed a few years ago and one of the " just leave" brigade.

I am finding it hard to adjust, there are lots of hours to fill...but hopefully it wont always be this way. I just have to think that since he left, i have had zero arguments and nobody policing my thoughts or actions. Freedom is new uncharted territory...

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/03/2021 12:28

Freedom is new uncharted territory

You had it before he came along. You've claimed it back again.

Even if it's Jaffa Cake flavoured, it tastes pretty good, doesn't it?

Newestname001 · 07/03/2021 14:20

Freedom is new uncharted territory...

Nicely said, @meanwhilebacktobasics. Print that off and put it somewhere prominent (maybe to see on waking?) to read and reinforce yourself when you are feeling particularly low. 🌹

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 09/03/2021 06:54

I still have down times but mainly, with each day that passes, I'm feeling better. I never thought I would, but I've actually started worrying about other things. Not good you might think, but to me it's a positive as I can now focus on other aspects of my life that really need attention.

My home is peaceful. If I feel like going to bed at 9pm , I can. I'm not being challenged over looking at stuff on fb or youtube. I'm not waking up with a sense of foreboding.

Someone asked me what my plan was now. I dont have a plan, and I think that's okay, as the fog is still clearing and I'm still processing. It will take time. But I'll get there.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/03/2021 08:24

I'm glad you're seeing things more clearly and seem on your way to recovery. Flowers

DoverSoul · 09/03/2021 09:43

That is very good to hear, meanwhile. I agree, focusing on other things that need dealing with in your life can only be good, hope you can get them sorted without too much stress. You don't need a plan, just get used to your new life in your own time and enjoy it Smile

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 11/03/2021 18:31

He has managed to sneak a message through. My fault for leaving a channel open that I forgot about. Wanting to talk!!! How deluded is that? I have no desire to speak to him again, what the hell is there to say? I've had days of calm and even just reading that has made me feel on edge.

OP posts:
Yebanksandbraes · 11/03/2021 19:04

Block him on that channel. Do not speak to him.

Take big deep breaths and stay determined to remain free.
He will use all of his best manipulating, coercion, guilt tripping, threats and emotional blackmail to re-establish power and control over you. He sees you as his possession.

You are not his possession.

Stay focused, do something to relax as you are probably very stressed right now. Stay strong, I know you can do it.

TurquoiseDragon · 11/03/2021 20:44

OP, I can understand how on edge you might feel at this sudden message. I was in this situation 3 years ago. What got me through was finding ways of distracting myself. Mumsnet helped, as I read different boards and responded to some threads.

You are stronger than you think. Block that channel and don't respond.

mathanxiety · 12/03/2021 05:18

Block, block, block.

DoverSoul · 12/03/2021 13:36

I'm not surprised, meanwhile, they very rarely let you go without trying something. Please don't respond in any way, apart from blocking.

My heart would thump like a jack hammer when I saw his name in my emails, it's totally understandable that you feel on edge. Do you feel safe though? Did you get your locks changed?