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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

251 replies

meanwhilebacktobasics · 24/02/2021 06:09

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

OP posts:
DoverSoul · 04/03/2021 15:59

It is, but you'll get there. That's great that you were able to speak to WA Smile

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 04/03/2021 16:08

@doversoul yes I've been trying them, and this time they replied straight away..I've also arranged to have new locks fitted as suggested. Over these past couple of years, Ive chosen to disregard advice, thinking I knew best. Now I realise I should have listened to what I was told. Especially by people who have been there.

OP posts:
DoverSoul · 04/03/2021 16:23

Been there, meanwhile. It's not until you're out of it that you can see the bigger picture.

These are good, positive steps you're taking Smile

mathanxiety · 04/03/2021 16:36

He has put you through hell.

Do not give in to threats about what he will say to people.

Get away. Stay away.

Tell him to stop contacting you. Block him. If he manages to get in touch, and go to the police.

Be ready to go to court for a non molestation order. He will turn from pathetic/ playing the victim /fake suicidal to violent when you don't cooperate.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2021 17:33

DO NOT CONTACT HIM

You are not response for his choices or responses

Write that on a mirror, on your fridge, on your living room wall if needs be.

Let him do whatever he wants. He is not your problem to fix.

Let him go.

There is a piece of advice from AlAnon that you need to embrace:

You did not cause this.
You can't control this.
You can't cure this.

Walk away.

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 04/03/2021 18:32

@doversoul I hope so, I just keep replaying scenarios in my head, its like flashbacks.

The last message he sent to me before I blocked him was that I was making a mistake, and that he was still on hand to help my with my issues, as he had insight into his !! Ironic or what.

@mathanxiety thanks, yes I have seen evidence of the turning from nice to nasty, I've kept the stuff hes sent which are truly vile. I let someone read some of it, and it literally took their breath away.

The WA support said to me " well you think he is helpless, cant function, cant cope etc...but look how much effort and energy he has put into controlling you..he has the motivation and capacity to do that, hasn't he?" I'd never thought of it that way.

OP posts:
fuzzymoon · 04/03/2021 22:43

Exactly OP. He puts so much effort into hurting and controlling you.
Don't let him continue doing this. You are not his emotional punch bag. You are your own person who deserves to be your own person.

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 05/03/2021 06:18

Today is the day I'm worried about. I know I need to stay strong but I'm sick of having to be. I went to bed last night feeling like I could do this, but every morning it's as though the scab has fallen off and I have to start processing it all over again.

I read about abuse and control but I just felt like I'm getting confused, like I can see his side as well as my own. I know I was crap to be with, no fun, no motivation, anxiety, struggling with my own stuff.

OP posts:
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 05/03/2021 06:30

What have YOU got on today @meanwhilebacktobasics?

Concentrate on you. Not him.

PLEASE DON’T BUCKLE AND CONTACT HIM.

PLEASE.

PyjamaFan · 05/03/2021 07:39

Stay strong OP.

Contacting him or his family will only make you feel much, much worse.

Flowers
Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 05/03/2021 07:46

I know. I mustn't cave in. Please hand hold for today all you lovely MNetters who have been with me.

OP posts:
AvengingGerbil · 05/03/2021 08:35

Flowers meanwhile. You can do this.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 05/03/2021 08:51

Is hard to be fun and full of motivation when you're living your life for somebody else, at their win, constantly worried about their reactions.
Tell us 3 things you're going to do for yourself today. Even if they're tiny. Even if they're having a shower or making yourself a cup of tea. You can do this x

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 05/03/2021 08:51

*whim

DoverSoul · 05/03/2021 10:31

I know I was crap to be with, no fun, no motivation, anxiety, struggling with my own stuff

Is that what he told you? That's what he MADE you Angry

You will find that your issues will improve when the fogs starts clearing.

Do you feel you want to mark today in some way? In your own way?!

fuzzymoon · 05/03/2021 13:12

Of course you think that as that's what you've been told - over and over and over.

Please keep strong.

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 05/03/2021 13:30

Thanks all. Have been working and @Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep I have had a cup of tea, will have a bath and watch something on tv. That's my 3. And read all these comments back...4.

And yes, I have been a shell of myself, anxiety is like my normal state now.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/03/2021 13:33

I can see his side as well as my own

And I can 'see' Skynet's side in the Terminator films, ie, humans being the only threat to the computer's existence once it became self aware other than a pushed windows update, as that would have knackered them as soon as it reached self awareness . It doesn't mean the annihilation of all Mankind is on my To Do list.

Knowing what his fucked up arguments/schema/stories in his head are doesn't mean they were ever right. They mean that you would never, ever, ever be safe or happy remaining in contact with, never mind in a relationship with, him. And he still lied and changed those stories to suit him, because he wasn't abusive at the start of the relationship when he needed to get himself into your home and into your head, was he? He rewrote the script as he went along to better control and terrorise you.

Fuck it. Get your self something lovely to eat and drink, go out and get some daylight (it's cold, wrap up warm) and fresh air and then spend the evening somewhere warm, safe and cosy away from him and his shitty family dynamics.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 05/03/2021 14:30

All excellent choices of activity. What do you think you'll watch? I've been rewatching bbc pride and prejudice on Netflix. Lovely fluffy comfort telly.

lydia2021 · 05/03/2021 16:02

Sometimes it takes time to extricate away from someone. I feel its been coercive control over you for a long time. And not just him, his family as well? Read Johari"s window, and read up on Critical thinking. That way you will come to understand how these partners thrive on your lack of knowing, what they are doing.To you..... There is a wealth of knowledge just waiting for you, in books and online. Whatever you had with him wasnt love, it was him guiding you to co dependency. Hold your head high, you are loveable and beautiful just as you are. Let the emotional lemon go, and raise your bar next time.xx

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 05/03/2021 19:12

So I have got to this time and haven't caved in. I've come too far now and finally realise that any interaction between us will be damaging to me. I've eaten ,I've started reading a good book and have bought some jaffa,cakes. Its these little things I guess...I can honestly say that I have tried and tried previously to psyche myself up for leaving and staying gone but never could find the strength, the panic and fear, the promises etc all made it nigh on impossible.

Posting on here last week is the best thing I could have done, it has literally saved me from a life of being a hollow beaten down shell, with everything that I ever enjoyed and valued stripped away. The army of MN who have come on and shared wise words and experiences have given me the confidence I never had. He never allowed me to have any thinking time away, to run anything by others, and I was in such a fog I didnt realise how bad it was. But you all did. I'd buy you all a Wine if I could.

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 05/03/2021 19:14

He sounds like my ex
This was me 3 years ago

Let them talk nonsense

Please never go back and block block block

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/03/2021 19:20

@meanwhilebacktobasics

So I have got to this time and haven't caved in. I've come too far now and finally realise that any interaction between us will be damaging to me. I've eaten ,I've started reading a good book and have bought some jaffa,cakes. Its these little things I guess...I can honestly say that I have tried and tried previously to psyche myself up for leaving and staying gone but never could find the strength, the panic and fear, the promises etc all made it nigh on impossible.

Posting on here last week is the best thing I could have done, it has literally saved me from a life of being a hollow beaten down shell, with everything that I ever enjoyed and valued stripped away. The army of MN who have come on and shared wise words and experiences have given me the confidence I never had. He never allowed me to have any thinking time away, to run anything by others, and I was in such a fog I didnt realise how bad it was. But you all did. I'd buy you all a Wine if I could.

Ooooh, Jaffa Cakes! Do you remember the TV advert - Full Moon, Half Moon, Total Eclipse?

Look it up on YouTube if you don't.

(You'll never be able to eat a Jaffa Cake without thinking of it from now on...)

Original poster
meanwhilebacktobasics · 05/03/2021 19:31

@NeverDropYourMoonCup I do remember it, that will be me..its a 24 pack as well!!!

@Queenie6655 I'm sure I'll be the convenient root cause of all his behaviour according to him and them
But you know what..as a PP said, I'd actually rather be thought of as being to blame rather than be in that relationship. And yes,still blocked and always will be.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/03/2021 19:47

[quote meanwhilebacktobasics]@NeverDropYourMoonCup I do remember it, that will be me..its a 24 pack as well!!!

@Queenie6655 I'm sure I'll be the convenient root cause of all his behaviour according to him and them
But you know what..as a PP said, I'd actually rather be thought of as being to blame rather than be in that relationship. And yes,still blocked and always will be.[/quote]
Excellent. A two year calendar cycle for you...or are you going to be sensible and stop at 12 just before you're sick ?