Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

[meanwhilebacktobasics]

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

all my keys are here, so I am hoping that it's okay.

Actually, for sheer peace of mind, it might be better to change your locks. It's all too easy for someone to get a separate set of keys cut, @meanwhilebacktobasics 🌹

@meanwhilebacktobasics

Thanks, that's unanimous. Great advice.Just Had an online chat with WA, She was really good, very active responding , and she said it would be dangerous to have any contact and if hes going to do something, I cant be held to ransom. I honestly think I've been brainwashed over these years, my rational mind has learned to doubt itself and be overridden ,my git feeling and intuition have perished.one thing is for sure, I need to stay away from any relationship for a good long while until Iheal and examine how this horrific situation came about. Red flag after red flag and I did nothing. I could have ended it so much earlier on, I had my chances.I need to get some insight.

The thing is though they're on their best behaviour at the beginning to get you hooked then the abuse usually starts quite insidiously so you may not even notice it, this is the man you love after all, surely he didn't just say that? I may have mentioned it before but it's the boiling frog analogy. It's how they all work.

It's so easy to see from the outside but when you're in the middle of it you have so much shit going round in your head you can't think clearly.

None of it is your fault, it's all his doing but never forget the lessons you have learned from this. Take all the time you need to build yourself up again.

I agree with newestname, if you have any doubt AT ALL that he might have had a spare key cut you'd be better to change the locks.

My ex was an abusive man, his non-abusive side was fabulous and that's why I stayed, but as the years passed I realised the abusive side bubbled away under the surface and so kept me in place. It was a revelation when I first realised, a real slap my head moment. It was the start of the end. I got out, but it was hard, the lovely side of him came out in force, his family begged me to stay and laid on the guilt pretty thick. I was sad and lonely and cried buckets but I was resolute, I knew I'd never take him back, although I had done many times before. I missed his family as I'd become close to them but when his mother talked of her marriage to his father and said "I could put up with the beatings but couldn't put up with the womanising" and "at least my son never cheats" and said these in front of him, I knew I was fighting a losing battle. If you need strength just think of yourself in the same situation in 5/10/20 years time and know that's not what you want.

I'm now 22 years out, I have a wonderful dh with 2 wonderful dc and a life we've built together. Ex is a friend on fb although I never see him (different towns), he's married and presents a great front, I don't wish him ill will and I hope for his sake and mostly for his wife's sake, that he has changed.

Life after abuse is fabulous, you'll be much wiser next time. I wish you the very best life.

Sorry, realise that was a long post for me, it shows that even after 22 years the relief I feel just gushes out, lol

That's so good to hear, Hurricane

@HurricaneBitch thank you for sharing that, it gives me strength to read that people do come out the other side. I just wish I could alleviate my own feelings of guilt.I think I'm making progress and then the day after I am back to square one.

@doversoul it did creep up, you're right in everything you said, until all the chaos was normal. I just can't believe that I sanm to the depths I did in trying to stand up for and defend myself. I have had long relationships before and never behaved like this. I really do feel worthless.

I completely understand that, meanwhile, I sank pretty low myself and really regret it but there's no point in dwelling on it. I've just had to accept that I made those mistakes and have learned from them. You absolutely are not worthless, stop that right now!

You will have up and down days, just don't do anything rash or beat yourself up on the bad days, accept them for what they are and look forward to feeling a bit better very soon

Thanks @DoverSoul for keep coming along and offering the voice of reason. I cant seem to stop turning it all over again in my mind. I've been awake hours just panic after panic. I can honestly say that I dont even feel any relief that hes gone; Instead I feel as though I need to fix it and make it right. I keep dwelling on the times I would have a go back and he would get really upset, I feel so guilty. I am going mad aren't I. How can I get on with my life when I have left someone with nothing. Tomorrow is the " significant day" as well. I am a mess. I cant see as I am ever going to get this straight in my head.

You're not going mad. You're suffering trauma. It really, truly is going to get better.
You haven't left him with "nothing". He has his family.
He has stomped all over your mental health, self esteem and peace of mind and that's why you're suffering so much.
You can repair and restore all of these over time.
Keep posting here, keep contacting WA, have regular GP appointments and ask for a referral to a counsellor. You really need to get this all out in the open.
Gradually he'll lose all power over you and you'll be a new woman.

@eekay thank you, I feel terrible. I've tried all hours contacting womens aid butnever get through due to them being too busy. I did manage a live chat one day. I think I am braking down over this, but I cant afford to. My work is suffering, I am hiding away. A friend said she would meet me and I said yes, but she just said " I'll be in touch " so no idea when. I dont have anyone close.

I feel it's my fault I made him that way. I had become emotionally detached, but afraid to leave, he was crying out for security and affection, his MH meant he couldnt always be rational, but I could have. I became awful to him.

You can't fix him.

The only person who can help him is himself.

This is what brainwashing is. You make someone believe something that isn't true.

He has made you think you are responsible for his actions, what he does and how he feels. Your not. He is.

He doesn't have to be verbally aggressive to you. He chooses to.

He doesn't have to be jealous and controlling. He chooses to.

He doesn't have to make you feel scared. He chooses to.

If he loved and respected you he wouldn't make you feel how you do , treat you the way he does or behave the way he does.

You need to block him and his family from everything. You need to look after you. Why are you the chosen one to take his abuse - your not he has made you think that's your role.

Stay strong.

This is absolutely not your fault.
I think you should scroll back through all the responses you've had on here and remind yourself that all the women here are unanimous in their support of you.
He was crying out for control and dominance. He didn't need your affection and attention, just your 100% submission.
I know you're feeling lonely. Your life will start to open up after all this. You'll be able to talk to and meet all sorts of people now you have freedom. You won't always feel like this and you will have people who'll listen to you.
I'm sorry your friend is flaky. It hurts, but that old cliche of finding out who your true friends are is true.
It's a bugger trying to get WA when they're snowed under but do keep trying and there's almost always someone on here to talk to. And believe me, we've seen it all. You can't shock us. We understand.
And do please ring the GP about getting counselling asap. I think that's important.
Be nice to yourself today and don't stress about work. You just need a bit of time to get your head straight. Can you speak to your manager? Let them know you're having a rough time just now.

Don't beat yourself up. In fact, be kind to yourself. You are emerging from a trauma and you need time, space and kindness to heal.

In terms of protecting yourself, definitely change the locks and don't respond to any contact from him. These acts of self protecting are also being kind to yourself.

Those thoughts at 4am, eh?
Utter bas*ard thoughts that make you think you should go back to him.

Don’t crumble @meanwhilebacktobasics. We’ve got your back.

Be very kind and gentle to yourself. I found this particularly hard because my whole existence had been to focus on his needs and not mine, and I wonder if you’re feeling the same?

@meanwhilebacktobasics

Your ex boyfriend had mental health issues a looong time ,before you came on the scene into your ex Partners life.

Yes he may have like you said had a difficult child hood like a lot of people !

But it does not mean you have an obligation towards him to be in his life as a constant reassurance /support.

Its up to him,in the end of the day to address sort out his unresolved child hood issues by going into therapy himself.

His family are just conviently seeing/using you as a scapgoat for their failings/short coming as a family in providing to his emotional needs ,when he was growing up.

Its not your problem

Its theirs !

Don't feel manipulated/emotional black mailed into the emotional rescuer role in your ex life.

Now go on and enjoy the rest of your life.

Cause you seem like your Cofindence is at a very point.

Hardly surprising considering the head fuck trip you went through with your ex.

I suggest that counselling therapy could be beneficial for yourself, as it will help to ensure you in the future to see the red flags signs not to get involved with anybody similar to your ex, or be involved with a man who is no good for you.

Oops ment to say your Cofindence is at such a low point etc op

OP the only thing your ex is 'crying out' for is is his nedt victim. His next emotional punch bag. His most source of someone to control to make him feel better.

It is not your job to or responsibility to fix him.
I really think counselling will help you unpick this. You really need to process this in a safe environment.

@meanwhilebacktobasics

Your ex sounds very emotionally Needy/immature and emotionally manipulative/cohesive !

And bloody emotionally draining
Another words hard work.

Run for the hills away from him.

You can Never be enough for this type of person !

Nobody can !

Its like trying to fill a massive emotional black hole on a constantly !

You have too look after your own emotional well being !
Its essential to do this.

Thank you . I have got a number from my gp for a counselling service. I just cant shake the feeling that I should do something tomorrow, but I'm conflicted . If I dont get in touch, what if he does what he threatened to do? I haven't wanted to say too much as its outing, but I've probably outed myself anyway before, but his MH condition is very severe and hes had multiple hospitalizations. I'm frightened he will slip through the net of everyone thinking someone else is supporting him. I have spent a long time trying to manage his condition with him, but his paranoia has meant that I just cant live like that anymore.
His family have been pushed to the limit over the years, but I know they have just thought it is simple..I commit to him and take it all on, or I dont and leave. In reality it has meant me " messing him about" in their and his eyes, by saying I cant cope and finishing it, then feeling responsible for him, and starting again.

The family thing is interesting as my ex’s were pretty similar with me. They were very invested in keeping me abused, his mother especially. In the early days of our relationship we went to his sister and at the end of the day the brother in law offered to drop me at the station as my ex was staying the night. His car was covered in post it notes telling her not to touch his stuff. I asked him about it and he told me that if he kept anything in the house she’d thrown it away so everything stayed in his car but more recently she’d been in his car and thrown things away while he took a bath. It wasn’t hoarding just his clothes, toiletries and business paperwork. I think the whole family are abusers so are angry on his behalf whenever anyone gets out.
Is there a local domestic abuse charity that you can contact? Please get the locks changed!

OP, stay away from contacting him in any way tomorrow. He is not your responsibility, whatever he chooses to do. He's relying on those misplaced guilty feelings of yours to reel you back into the abuse.

Make a plan to keep yourself distracted as much as possible.

@meanwhilebacktobasics

Thank you . I have got a number from my gp for a counselling service. I just cant shake the feeling that I should do something tomorrow, but I'm conflicted . If I dont get in touch, what if he does what he threatened to do? I haven't wanted to say too much as its outing, but I've probably outed myself anyway before, but his MH condition is very severe and hes had multiple hospitalizations. I'm frightened he will slip through the net of everyone thinking someone else is supporting him. I have spent a long time trying to manage his condition with him, but his paranoia has meant that I just cant live like that anymore. His family have been pushed to the limit over the years, but I know they have just thought it is simple..I commit to him and take it all on, or I dont and leave. In reality it has meant me " messing him about" in their and his eyes, by saying I cant cope and finishing it, then feeling responsible for him, and starting again.

But you didn't cause all those multiple hospitalisations, did you? His mental illness caused them.

HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Quite frankly, accusing you of shagging around has fuck all to do with his mental illness anyhow and everything to do with him being an utter arsehole - who also happens to have a serious mental illness.

Stay well clear, whatever happens (or is threatened, or doesn't happen). Because it is NOTHING to do with you anymore. Because of his appalling behaviour and abuse of you.

I just cant shake the feeling that I should do something tomorrow, but I'm conflicted . If I dont get in touch, what if he does what he threatened to do?

PLEASE don't do anything. If the day means something to both of you he may well be expecting you to get in touch in some way which is him reeling you in, although it'll be seen as your choice. Same if it means something to him alone. If it means something to you alone it's irrelevant to him.

If he chooses to harm himself in any way, it is his choice and nothing to do with you. You are not to blame for any of it. These people always blame other people for everything. They are always the victim. No matter how much abuse they dole out, it is never their fault.

PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT HIM, for your own sake

I can honestly say that I dont even feel any relief that hes gone

It took me a long time to feel the relief. As soon as he had left the house it felt calmer and the stress starting lifting already but it was a good few weeks, maybe even two or three months, till I actually felt what I could properly identify as relief. And when it hit, the joy I felt was amazing. I still smile to myself when I'm doing something MY way. I always thought I was reasonably happy before (not while the worst of the abuse was going on, obviously) but now I know what real happiness is

Keep reaching out to anyone who can help, keep posting on here. If you feel like contacting him, wait for half an hour before you make any firm decisions but please, do not contact him. The way you're feeling now? It'll be ten times as bad if you take any backward steps so keep going forwards, lovely

meanwhile

PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT HIM

xxx

I'm listening. Managed to get through to WA and had a really good chat, it helped me get things a bit straighter in my mind. I used to say to him that I'm not responsible , shame I didnt really believe it, because it's hard to undo all of that brainwashing.