10 years to the day without sex!!

[Wakingup55643]

If this was you, on a scale of 1 to 100, how much would it matter?

@JustAnotherOldMan
Holy crap mate, that’s awful, feel for you, can’t imagine what’s that like.
Id be down the solicitors in the morning and getting the divorce ball rolling

@JustAnotherOldMan you've tagged yourself🤣

Mines been longer, but I think I'm asexual!
Honestly it only matters if it matters to you. (or your partner, if you have one)

@IndigoJewel
Jeez, I’m so old, time for new glasses 🤓 , thanks
@JustinOtherdad.

Sorry to hear this @JustinOtherdad It's awful to feel so lonely within a marriage. It's definitely not about the sex, it's feeling close to someone and knowing they're there for you and want you there for them too. It's important to feel wanted sexually too, but there are so many aspects to that, and I'm missing out on all of them. It sounds like you are too. But of course most of us in this situation are stuck with the thought of 'what about the kids?' and everything that goes with it. You feel so stuck, I know. Do you want to start things up again with your dw, or is it too late?

I'd love to start things up again if we could but I fear we're just to sexually incompatible. She never used to be bothered by the 'messiness' of it, iyswim without giving tmi, but on the rare occasions we did have sex later on she was almost prudish about it. 'I don't want to touch that' etc. which made me feel a bit given that's kind of the point.

There's nothing physically weird about me btw. Everything appears 'normal', I've got a bit of a dad bod but certainly not in poor shape, I exercise and eat well.

Yep, same here, I don't think I'm hideous or anything! I get attention from men, I keep myself fit etc, but I might as well go round with a bag over my head, and it's soul-destroying :(

@JustinOtherdad - Have you tried sitting down with your wife and telling her how you feel? Can you see yourself in the same situation for the next 10 years? I think many marriages are very similar in that one of the partners feel they can’t leave because of children and financial commitments, so I don’t think you’re alone, from what I’ve read/seen though, many people regret spending years with someone they were no longer compatible with.

If he thinks it hurts you, then have you told him it no longer hurts? Have you initiated it? It's hard in a domestic setting at moment, same old routines, same old faces, same old sofa, same food etc
Give yourself a break as during a lockdown isn't the best time to assess your marriage. However men are very literal - so if you say something they really do take note of it

And yes ten years is ridiculous

10 days I'd be asking him questions and telling him to get off the telly and the sofa.

Be a confident straight talker and sort this out.

Unless there are other deeper issues, then it could be a case of bad communications, tiredness, daily grind, no effort on both parts.

Do you want to leave him? Would he even notice if you left for a few days?

I thought going a month without was bad, some of you have the patience of a saint.
So for me, 102.

@comfortzone I told him over a year ago we would never have sex again as I don't have those feelings for him. I couldn't bear any intimacy with him now, he's worn me down with many things over the years and I just dislike him now. He doesn't look after himself and I can't bear to be anywhere near him. So, telling him I need intimacy has been a bit confusing in the past as I've had to also add, 'but not with you!' which is awkward. I long for a loving relationship with someone who wants to tear my clothes off and me the same. I can only get that by moving on. But the kids. . . . . .

You don’t say how old your kids are @Wakingup55643 but they will know your marriage is not happy, the danger is they will think this is just how it should be (speaking from experience). Show them that they deserve more than this from a life partnership. A marriage that has no affection is not a healthy environment to raise a family never mind the fact that you are clearly so unhappy but it is clearly going to be down to you to change the future.

At one point in my life it would have been 100.
Now around 10.

It would matter A LOT. I'm single and a year without sex. There's no way I'll go another full year without it.

Set up a fake account on Grindr. Bet you find him on there.

It sounds like your marriage is over anyway if there’s no intimacy, you can still have the relationship you want just not with him. Speak to a solicitor and take some steps towards divorce

How old are the kids Waking?

@Wakingup55643 well it seems you also have torn away at his self confidence with your remarks of never wanting to have sex with him etc....
To be honest you just sound like you both have past the point of no return. You should definitely consider getting a divorce or at the least seeing a therapist together.

Kids are 13 and 9, and I can't face uprooting them so I stick with it. I know I'm only prolonging the agony. I think the kids do pick up on it. They never think to ask him to do things with them, play with them, help them with school stuff, they just see him working or watching his politics shows or listening to his music and it's as if they don't want to disturb him. But they're all over me as if they want to keep me happy or something.
Yes I have knocked his confidence by telling him I don't have the feelings I should have for my husband, but I can't pretend. And he's done nothing to try and make a difference. I know what the answer is, I really do, but it's the doing it that's hard. I want him to be happy as he's clearly not. He called me a nasty person this morning because I reacted for once to him noisily waking me up really early. I normally just keep my thoughts to myself, but because I let out a small sigh, I'm being unreasonable.
Anyway, going round in circles again. Thanks to everyone for listening and for your comments x

@Wakingup55643,
That sounds awful, if you’re kids want you to be happy, them making yourself happy sounds like the way to do it.
I don’t see how divorce would be uprooting them, if you stay in the same area, same school, same friends, different house same mother.

It sounds like he treats the kids like he treats you....and that’s not good for them. Who wants a parent who ignores you and shows no interest? You hate the lack of of love and intimacy so why let your children live it too? If you split up and he has them say eow, perhaps he might step up and actually parent them? Otherwise this will be their relationship model, would you want them to live a a marriage like yours?

Just thinking about this whole thread, and any other thread on here, the bad gets amplified and I feel like I'm painting a dreadful picture. It's not unbearable, and he's not a terrible person...........but on the other hand, maybe I've conditioned myself to feeling that this all isn't so bad, but it actually is!!!!

It’s not really a case of ‘he’s a terrible person’, and ‘it’s not unbearable’. It’s not about apportioning blame. It’s more a case of, honestly - are you happy? Is this the best life for you all - you, the children, him? He might be a perfect partner for someone else but he isn’t for you, he isn’t a ‘great dad’ as people often say about their errant partner. Nobody’s perfect, but if you’re desperate for some kind of emotional connection, some loving touch, recognition of you as a sexy beloved woman, you know you’re with the wrong man. You’re not asking too much from a husband who is supposed to love and cherish you. No cherishing here, and no love. If he won’t talk about it and he doesn’t want to change anything, then it’s up to you.

It sounds like you are unhappy, he is unhappy and possibly the kids are unhappy. The kids might actually welcome a split with this atmosphere. It will lift the cloud. He may even become more engaged with them if you do split. My ex became a better parent when we split. Lots of people do divorce and thrive. Another 9 years or so of this sounds hideous. This was also a replica of my parents marriage but even when we had flown the nest, she stayed with my dad because by that time all her confidence and self esteem was gone.