10 years to the day without sex!!

[Wakingup55643]

If this was you, on a scale of 1 to 100, how much would it matter?

In your situation though, I'd end it. Why stay married when it makes you unhappy? You deserve much better.

What’s stopping you ending it?

@Wakingup55643

When I've broken down and said that I can't live the rest of my life without any kind of intimacy, he said he's so used to not having it (he blames me) that he's not even bothered anymore, and that the most important thing is keeping our family and marriage together. So now I feel selfish for putting my needs above this.

Why does he blame you?

I am now almost 13 yrs without sex..... Early 40s now.... I used to be bothered.... Now I don't care.

The most important thing is keeping our family and marriage together
he wants you to accept that the most important thing is the thing that most benefits him!
marriage should be a mutually beneficial partnership of equals but he wants you to accept a situation where he gets what he wants at your expense .....he wins and you lose, do you want to sacrifice your happiness to him, is he worth it, what will you get in return?

@Wakingup55643 SomersetHamlyn We had a 'normal' relationship before we got married, and I honestly thought that not having much sex was just a part of being married. I know that is mad, but it's what I accepted my life was.

So you were passionately attracted to each other, couldn't keep your hands off each other, tore each other's clothes off at every opportunity, had sex multiple times per day, and then literally the day you got married he stopped wanting to have sex with you?

3

@FifteenToes he says that I once said sex was painful (yeah, if you're tense and dry and not turned on, it will be...) and so hasn't wanted to try anything on with me since. So it's me being cold and unfeeling. I admit I have become resentful and maybe this creates bad feeling between us, but he has never tried to 'win me over' at all, and is content to lie on the sofa watching politics all night. Not a turn on, if you ask me. So the more annoyed I get, the more I seem like the bad guy.

I would leave. There is no medical reason so it would be a dealbreaker for me.

@Wowwellokthen 13 years??! What's your reason?
@cautiouscovidity why only 3 if you don't mind me asking?

@SomersetHamlyn No, none of that....... Maybe I should have been expecting more? I think I have some life to start living!!!!!! I honestly convinced myself that sex was some fictitious Hollywood fantasy and real people just got on with every day life......

Nothing wrong at all with a sexless relationship, as long as both parties are happy with that state of affairs and genuinely love each other.

When one party needs it and the other doesn't then you've got a problem. So on that basis I think this cant work for you OP.

I have a much lower drive than dh, but 10 years?!?! I'd be gone. You have a housemate not a husband in my opinion. If there were a reason medically or mentally I'd be more understanding- but you had bad sex once and so he gave up for a decade or so?!

After 10 years I think I wouldn’t be bothered myself anymore.

@Wakingup55643

I don't think you will find many people on here admitting to being happy to go without sex.

Could he be gay?

I mean, I think some people WOULD be happy to go without sex... but many won't admit it.

@Wakingup55643 SomersetHamlyn No, none of that....... Maybe I should have been expecting more? I think I have some life to start living!!!!!! I honestly convinced myself that sex was some fictitious Hollywood fantasy and real people just got on with every day life

What I described isn't a fantasy. It's normal. In the early days of any relationship you should be literally unable to resist each other physically and at it like rabbits.

Obviously over time the frequency tends to decrease, but that underlying passion and attraction still holds you together.

DH and I drive each other mad a lot of the time, and we've had ups and downs, but our mutual sexual attraction has stayed strong and consistent through 13 years of relationship, 7 of those years married, and we've been parents for over a decade.

Same with my ex - we stayed together 10 years and would never have been able to keep it together without that physical bond.

I have never understood why people marry or commit long-term to a partner that they're not really attracted to, or vice versa.

Why are you still in this relationship? What joy does it bring you? Fgs stop being so passive about your life, get a divorce and get laid.

Less than 0.

10 years, and I'd have been long gone.

I got to the point where I didn't want sex with my ex, but I do want/like sex. My ex was abusive so that was the main reason I got out, but at least I can go on and find someone more compatible.

And your H's reason for not wanting sex is just an excuse on his part. You're not to blame. He might be gay, just not fancy you, or just doesn't want sex, but it won't be because of you.

You don't mention whether you have DC, but even if you do, don't feel that you have to stay with him regardless. He's only saying that you have to stick together because it's what he wants.

How did you think most people had babies if not through regular sex?

Also “keep the marriage”? What marriage? You don’t seem to like each other and can’t communicate, don’t have a physical relationship and aren’t honest with each other. I don’t want to be mean but what exactly are you both currently saving?

100. Without any understandable extenuating circumstances (i.e terrible life events or physical or mental health issues that prevent it) I’d have ended the relationship within months, a year tops. 10 years is mind boggling & must be soul destroying OP..

Sounds shit . I left a relationship for basically this reason

Much more fun since

My ex husband had a low sex drive and it killed my self esteem in my younger years. I then went on to remarry and my now husband still to this day cant keep his hands off of me! It matters and no your not selfish. This is a basic human need.