10 years to the day without sex!!

[Wakingup55643]

If this was you, on a scale of 1 to 100, how much would it matter?

What was his upbringing like? Could he be gay?

100%%%%

@regularsizerudy He grew up in Brighton. I know that's a massive 'nothing to do with anything' generalisation, but there you are. Also, he's very dismissive and critical about things such as Drag Race when he sees it on telly. He's also told me he's been chatted up by men at gigs he goes to. . . Just little hints, you know. I've brought this up on a thread ages ago and got a bit of criticism for it, but it's just lots of little things. And the big thing of not finding your sexy wife attractive!!!!

Light conversation! - does he think your marriage is a Victorian tea party?

@Lochmorlich The Victorians were definitely not prudes. They were obsessed with sex parties, especially the upper class.

@Wakingup55643 I’m sorry OP but it sounds like he’s hiding something. Either he’s asexual or gay. I could not be in a relationship that lacked intimacy, especially a marriage. Unless you live apart, I would be questioning the relationship after a month without sex or any cute demonstrations of love. You deserve better and shouldn’t stay in this relationship “just for the kids.” Your kids, especially when they’re older, will not want to see their DM in a miserable relationship.

@Lochmorlich I know, exciting eh :/
I've been reading Lady Chatterley's Lover recently. That's more like it. I've even left it out on my bedside table, thinking maybe he'd take the hint. But all he said when he saw it was "isn't that meant to be a bit rude?" like a child. . .

Have you tried dressing up, lighting some candles and adding some romance to the mix?

Sometimes all it takes is abit of initiation. I don't think any man could resist that, unless of course he is gay.

98

Well we hadn't had sex for 10 years, I tried the whole candles, sexy lingerie etc and he just laughed and thought I was ridiculous!

Ouch @MackenCheese

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Id be fine about it as I have zero sex drive. HOWEVER THIS WHOLE SITUATION SEEMS BIZARRE. How come neither of you has discussed this or your expectations before marriage? Then lived in this weird situation for years. What does he get out of such an odd relationship? So many questions.

What he gets is to look 'normal' and dignified in public, when he is clearly hiding something about his sexuality..

I'm not sure a marriage can have the intimacy it needs to survive without sex.

It sounds like your making do other than being happy.

@sunshine3013 Ugh, I'd be sick. I don't want anything from him. But in the past I've tried things, I put on my wedding dress a few years ago on our anniversary, did my hair a bit messy sexy, and he barely looked away from the telly. I let him see me getting dressed or in a small towel after the bath, in my gym stuff, nothing. Nothing at all.

I'd bet a dollar that he's either gay or asexual. He doesn't want the marriage to end because you're his 'beard'.

Personally, I'd be out of there as I've always had financial independence in my marriage. Even if my children were young, there's no call for you to sacrifice your own self-respect and happiness. Divorce is no longer a 'scandal' and probably half the children in your children's school have divorced parents. It's now seen as just another type of family, it no longer makes the children 'objects of pity'.

But if you're dead set against divorce, then I'd have a frank discussion about 'opening' the marriage, at least for you. IF that's something you would feel comfortable with. At any rate, I wouldn't keep living a half life.

He’s got you sussed hasn’t he? He’s put all the ‘blame’ for this situation on you, how can you think of destroying the warm loving family unit you have, your kids will be devastated - or that’s what he wants you to believe. He wants things to continue as they are, a fake relationship with no genuine intimacy or emotion. His needs are simple - this facade and some light conversation. Dear God. OF COURSE you aren’t a selfish woman for wanting some love and affection and a real relationship, you’re amazing for having lasted 10 lonely years, I think most of us would have been out the door long ago. It’s high time for a change where you put your needs first, and show your children what not to suffer in a marriage. What does a happy marriage look like to you, how do you think it would feel compared to this half life you’re living? How would your ideal life be? Would you be happy if your daughter or son was in a marriage like yours? Take charge of your life, otherwise this is what you’ll have for the rest of it. 💐

@CutePixie Aah, I've watched too many BBC costume dramas.

It's been over 5 for me. Longest without since I started.

I feel pretty much asexual now.

And I used to have a super high drive!

I wouldn't mind it again if there was someone who wasn't a porn addict and terrible in bed.

@Wakingup55643

Your H is very likely gay, and if I were you I would have std testing done as well as filing for divorce.

Yes, there will be upheaval for the children, but they are living in a home where one of their parents has unilaterally decided there will be little or no connection with the other. 'Light conversation' indeed.

It's interesting that your H thinks there is such a thing as a marriage without a relationship on any level apart from financial convenience between the two parties involved in it. (Stay together for the sake of 'the marriage' and the children). It's a very detached view of marriage, to say the least. I would suspect he is very good at compartmentalising. I would suspect that 'the marriage' is functioning as the face he presents to the world.

Your DCs are going to be affected by the massive elephant in the room despite your best efforts. Meanwhile, you are going to be slowly reduced to a shadow of your former self.

100 for me. But in my twenties I was in a relationship which ended up celibate for over seven years.

When I finally got myself sorted and left him he asked why. And when I told him he told me I was a nymphomaniac because 'normal women' wouldn't be bothered and what sort of woman would know exactly how long it had been. I couldn't be arsed to point out the last time it had happened was Valentine's Day (at my initiation).

Move on. Unless there's some big reasons (illness etc) and still plenty of other affection it is so so hard. For me it was soul destroying, confidence stunting and joy sapping. I look at who I was then and who I am now (more sex generally although, yannow, two DC in a global pandemic so not as much as when we started dating) and I'm a much happier person.

You deserve more.

2 year and about 3 months I went without sex. Ended the relationship due to a particularly abusive incident from him and jumped into bed with someone else within a week. It was great. Spent many months just sleeping with men that I fancied and got along with until I met my partner. He was meant to be a ONS but my FWB (still friends) correctly predicted that he was a good match for me and we would start dating.

End it, you will be happier. Happier mum seems to equal happier children in many cases. Certainly in mine as even nursery has commented on how happy DC are now!

I would suggest getting all financial information together first before having the chat though. Just for safety's sake.

It is hard to leave someone who pulls the 'don't break up the family' card. But you can do it if that's what you want.

Less than 0.
No sex for me 13 years, no partner in that time... and it’s fab.

1st husband would only have sex once or twice a year, then had a couple of affairs, and off he went with wife number 2. The lack of sex, and cuddling made me feel unattractive and unwanted, and it was hard for me to go out into the world again and look for another mate. I did though!

When I met husband number 2, we’d have sex several times a day, and it was great, but as time went on, he became more and more abusive and it wasn’t intimate any more...just coercion.

When I succeeded in getting away from him, I just never felt again that I wanted to be intimate with anyone. I sometimes find myself interested in someone, but not enough to want to get involved.

Don’t settle for second best, I wish I hadn’t put up with the lack of sex in my first marriage. I wanted more, he didn’t, and I loved him so I stayed, I lost years of my younger life. Do what you need to do to live the life you want.

This might help in some way, that you're not alone (unless you're the writer as it was published this afternoon)
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/23/my-husband-and-i-havent-had-sex-for-10-years-can-we-start-again

@Johnd2 Crikey, that's a coincidence! But I'm not one of those two. I'm only 44! He's 52 by the way. I could understand if he was old and doddery, but he doesn't have anything stopping him such as ED. He's just not bothered.

i have no drive, never really have so i wouldn't care so i would be a 0.

but that's as long as there was still lots of physical affection and cuddling.