Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yeah @bangheadhere40 it is hard.. you just want that click with someone again but damn, its elusive 😣

@TheCatWithTheHat from bitter experience I know one can't wean off the apps, you've got to go cold turkey.
I actually feel less anxious about checking the apps. So that's a good thing.

I'm still a tad anxious about Mr HT but forcing myself to chill. If it's meant to be it's meant to be.
A very very old flame and I chatted on Saturday and I gave him the full Mr HT update, his assessment was: Mr HT genuinely likes you, he answers your messages immediately and does love to hear about your news and is the first to congratulate you... but he's not in a good place personally, so just remember to give him space too.

Funnily when we were talking I mentioned how we stay over at each other's and I feel ok and sleep. He was like wait what... you sleep? He remembered I don't ever sleep with someone in the bed and he said you didn't even sleep with me. If you can sleep in a bed with him that says a lot about how comfortable you are with him. He has a point.

Damn, because I've told you lot I feel happy and free, but I haven't actually sat down and told Mr GN yet! It's going to be horrible... he is a nice man really and he cares about me a lot, though he knows I've always had misgivings about my true availability so it's not going to be a complete surprise by any means. I don't want to specifically link it to his scumminess but it may come across like that, which will be even worse .

Thanks @ThisTooShallBeFantastic. I’ve had a ton of counselling to get to this point to be fair. And I’m still quite avoidant, but I’m so much better than I was last year.

@Shayelle2009, @bangheadhere40 I was only with Mr Beard about three and a half months and we were incompatible in a lot of ways but he made me laugh and he was charming when he wanted to be and he was a player and I was besotted with him. My heart still catches when I get a message from him.

@kerkyra

That’s a really thought-provoking idea with the one hour maximum date.

I normally try to go closer to two even if like you say I’m not feeling it, but I’m wondering now if that’s just a waste of everyone’s time?

Eg when I had the bad coffee walk last weekend I felt it was a bit rude to cut early as he’d come to my end of town (this might just be my personal guilt complex), but equally if we both weren’t feeling it maybe more honest to just skip sooner.

I think it's wise and also would hate for someone who wasnt into me that much to be thinking God I'm stuck with her while we do this long walk 😄.
I usually say( well I did when I had lots of dates) that I'm busy at midday but how about a quick coffee at 10.30 for an hour? Then you both can leave and weigh up if you want a proper 'date'.

Went to see the daffodils with 'friend' - I think either I have a far worse sense of humour than I thought or he just doesn't 'get' me at all:

Talking about my mum's garden, he said "you know what your mum needs...." and he left a gap and I said "euthanasia?" - it's no secret I'm not very fond of my mum. Anyway, he hit me twice on the arm (bearing in mind it was the arm where I had my covid jab on Friday and I've had quite a bad reaction, so I wasn't best pleased) and told me off for 'being nasty'.
I mean, obviously it was a joke? And I wasn't being nasty about my mum, I was just humourously filling in his blank.... (he went on to say she needs to lay it all to lawn and get a robot lawn mower)

Then later he said how nice it was to be out doing something, I agreed but said I felt a bit middle-aged (I am middle-aged) going to a garden on a Sunday and maybe I should have "worn my driving gloves for the Sunday drive out" (we went in separate cars, btw) and he told me "don't knock it, be positive" - it was a JOKE and I had already agreed it was nice.

Anyway, I shall be backing off even more from him now, there's no point hanging around with someone who tries to police how I talk.
He also added another FB comment that was way too serious - I wrote "things I have learnt too late in life number 683: there's never just one ant. Never" and he wrote "spiders eat ants" - he knows I hate spiders you see. But I really hate spiders so I don't even want people talking about them.

Week off work now - meeting a friend tomorrow, then a different friend Tue. For 'exercise or recreation' - woohoo!

My two Bumble matches have not replied to my chatty responses in which I asked them each a question, so more fool them. No new matches now.

Cat - I agree you should take a break. Maybe from now til 10th April, two days before the big reopening?
From 29th you can meet with a small group outdoors, do you have anyone you can do anything with? My walking group is starting back up so I have two walks booked 3rd and 4th.

@kerkyra

That does make a lot of sense. I used to be a bit weird and overthink things and think I had to “offer friendship” even if we didn’t hit it off but that kind of situation just drags things out and wastes everyone’s time I guess!

@VanGoghsDog

Love the exact date calculations for lockdown there - I’m doing exactly the same thing

@TheCatWithTheHat I realised that I say to the women on here that a man should enhance your life and not be your life and that I never say similar to the men.

So....a woman should enhance your life and not be your life.

I know losing your job has affected you as well but I hope that you can build your life into something amazing and that you love yourself and your life and then one day you will find someone to compliment your amazing life.

I know you mentioned recently you hadn't seen anyone for weeks and that doesn't help with positive mental health.

What hobbies do you have?
Can you meey up with friends and family more often keeping within the rules.
The end of lockdown is in sight and we're all going to have a great rest of the year😁

SpringLikeBunk I used to be like that with offering friendship,but think deep down most of them would jump at the chance to date or sleep with me! Not in an arrogant way,its just what i felt.
My best mate is Male and I've known him since i was eight(I'm 49). Nothing would ever happen between us as we are almost like siblings. Some friendships can come out of OLD but not sure it could work if someone had deeper feels.
Cycling guy has pics of him from afar so I've cheekily asked for some close shots!

@UtterSocks mine was also 3 months but i really feel like we connected on loads of levels (never slept with him), he was just a really decent guy but he’d lost his mum not a year before and possibly that was really affecting him. I feel like it could have been something good and really regret it ending. He doesnt want to know though ive contacted him a couple of times in the last year and he blanks me.

More like sleep with me...like the builder last summer launching in for the snog after we had built a friendship over the last previous month.Bloody chancer,like someone on here said and I listened and withdrew friendship?

Sorry,was meant to be exclamation mark,not question mark

@Shayelle2009 sometimes it's the shorter relationships that hurt the most. You're still in the honeymoon stage, and haven't yet realised how much they annoy you, or aren't compatible. I had this just over a year ago too, after dating for a few months, and still think about her every day. I think a lot of us have that "one that got away".

@kerkyra you're right about knowing really quickly, and I have had a few dates where it has lasted less than an hour (like the one who told me she was 4 months pregnant!). These days though I think a lot of people just like the company and excuse to go for a wander - I know I do. Thinking back to my 3 dates recently - on all 3 we got to a certain point, and I've asked if they wanted to head back or carry on, and all 3 wanted to carry on. I've enjoyed all 3 dates - I like chatting to new people, and even though we didn't have a spark, I still enjoyed chatting, and I think they did too.

Thanks too for all the support everyone - I had a bit of a low moment the other day, but I'm feeling more positive now. I've got a pretty awesome life, although most of the things I enjoy are on hold at the moment, or not things where I'd usually meet new people (e.g., I love photography, but getting up at sunrise and standing for 2 hours in one spot to get the perfect shot isn't really a social activity!) Also most of my friends have moved away over time, or have young kids so it's not been possible to see them through this current lockdown. I suppose now is a good time to find other hobbies to take up, but I'm not sure what I'd be in to.

I like cycling, but I'm more into bumbling along canals by myself or with someone else (usually Miss H, so I've been reluctant to get back on my bike again since that ended), rather than wearing lycra and riding in a group. After the whole Miss C nightmare a year ago, I was determined to do something a bit more sociable, and not dating related so was all set to sign up for an 8 week cookery course in London. Then someone in China ate a bat, and the rest is history...

Your last post TheCatWithTheHat has made me think.
I could do with letting my barriers down and being less guarded. I too am lonely sometimes so I could do with throwing caution to the wind and just go and have fun on my dates without being so emotionally unavailable at the beginning. So what if it's over an hour? I just thought expectations would be bigger and it would be tricky if one of the party wasnt feeling it. But you can still have fun and we all need company and a laugh at the moment.Thank you for making me realise.

Why can't life be more straight forward?!

Just spoke to Mr Music for almost two hours on the phone. He's really lovely, told me about his house, which sounds nice and not cesspit-like at all, he's had his DC the vast majority of the time until recently and loved it - misses them now he only has them half the time - he has cats... he's really keen to meet up again and when I talk to him I get a bit excited again, but then I remember his fingernails and his odd hair and that he dresses like a teenager and can't really see myself ever fancying him. But I really love our phone chats and he's kind and sweet and I feel so shallow and I wonder if it can grow? If we keep chatting and sharing and getting to know each other over the phone, could the sparks come? Does that happen? I think he senses that I'm not as keen as he is and I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to give up on this just yet as he'd be a lovely boyfriend and maybe more chats will get me there?

@WeWantTheFinestWines Rule 13!!!
Can you speak to him about his nails and see if they improve?

Dress sense can be improved, my best friend changed her now husbands dress sense by buying him clothes she preferred when it was birthday and Christmas and gradually he got the hint😂

Rule 13. Ignore at your peril. Thanks sorting. I have to mention the nails - they should be an easy fix for him and his reaction to me bringing them up will say something about him too.

I wonder if I'm desperate and wanting to change him, which is nuts, or not desperate, but seeing something good and promising that I want to give a chance. I'm not very good at this.

@WeWantTheFinestWines sometimes we all get hung up on wanting that immediate spark.

Remember when we've met people in real life through work or what ever and you may have known them a while before you start noticing them more. Well sometimes looking for an immediate spark in OLD prevents a slow burn.

I think attraction can be very much mental and grow as we care for a person.

There was no immediate crackle with Mr HT, there was so much in common and laughter and great chat. There was a comfortableness. I was a little indifferent after our first meet in terms of spark, there was something but no fireworks. Now when I see him I can't keep my hands off him.

Why don't you let things take there course and you may end up with a nice time with someone you get alone with.

That's such a good point craving - we've met once, walking round a park. Who knows anything after that?!

Lockdown, distance and my domestic and work situation make it difficult to meet up, so 'when can I see you again' is taking on a lot of significance, when I really just want to chat and get to know him better. He is worried about losing momentum and I get that, but I'm going to try to just let it breathe a bit until meeting up is easier. I want the dinner and the drinks and the holding hands across the table and stumbling home afterwards and listening to music and just chilling out and hanging out a bit. He's got his kids all week, I'm working 6 days this week so unless he wants to drive for 40 minutes each way to see my in my 30 minute lunch break, we have another week to chat and get to know each other.

Hi @TheCatWithTheHat youre so right about the shorter ones hurting more. It also hurt that hed say how great i was etc but then never made any effort? Was always me instigating meeting up, having ideas and thinking about it etc when i should have known to sit back and let him... looking back, i cringe as i was blatantly over keen after meeting someone i really liked after literally years... i think that killed it for him 🤦🏻‍♀️.. but whats done is done, it just bugs the hell out of me that a whole (crappy, pandemicy) year later i still pine over it. I even had a cry about it on saturday.. fgs! It was 3 months, a year ago! Maybe its because its been a shitty empty year? If there were the usual distractions and activities it would help to move on from it. It also hurts that i feel like he couldnt see i was a good person and he doesnt even think enough of me to be friends, but again whats done is done. One day ill move on and think hes a dick lol!

I am like you and love just doing things by myself not necessarily group things. However you are still craving connection in your own way and thats perfectly ok! Its really normal to get frustrated and down with it! Think we all need to be kind to ourselves.. its so good to be able to chat on here, share experiences, ask advice and get support ☺️ For me personally i find it a comfort !

@Shayelle2009 the same setup here!

Dated for about 3 months, but we were in touch for months beforehand, and a bit after. Again, he used to say how amazing I was but made no effort!

I was completely over keen too looking back but as you say it's so rare to find someone you feel a connection with.

I still get a bit down about that even though I can see logically I deserve better and he didn't treat me very nicely. Aaarrrgghhh 😄😄

How weird that theres quite a few of us in the same situ? A 3 month thing that ended a year ago, and we’re still brooding on it?! Haha we should start a club! What would we call ourselves?!??

I could kick myself thinking back to how keen i was and how much effort i made. Bleeuaggh!! The last time we saw each other he came to mine for dinner and i did this huge extravaganza of a meal!! I went to so much effort! We split up 3 days later as for the second time, i saw he was active on all the online dating sites! It really hurt my feelings, he said he wanted me as his girlfriend.

Ha! I'm glad it's not just me anyway, I will try and think of a suitable name 😄

Mine finished in Autumn but definitely still pathetically brooding over it. It was just a huge mindfuck really as he was hot / cold and I wanted him soooo much. I reckon if I'd have played it cooler it might have been okay, but then I don't want game playing.

It's been a month or so he's been back on the apps, that was awful to see at first 😕

I'm quite annoyed with myself as I just want to be able to forget him and I can't...I've never had this issue before with any exes. It must be because it finished when it was "still good".