Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

My legs are still recovering after my date with Miss Waves earlier today. I wasn't sure if I fancied her from her photos, so wasn't expecting fireworks but she seemed like an interesting person so I thought I'd see how it went. As expected, I didn't fancy her in the flesh but we had a fun 6 mile walk and chat, and got on really well. I messaged her when I got home and we both agreed there wasn't a spark, but we want to stay in touch as friends which I'm pleased about.

I'm meeting Miss Big Apple tomorrow after work, for another walk. She has much more potential, so I'm looking forward to seeing her. And Miss Coast is scheduled for Sunday. My other two potentials for Saturday and Monday have gone cold, so I think it's just going to be the 3 dates this weekend.

I also sometimes swipe on profiles after midnight - I just tend to stay up late, and sometimes have a quick swipe before bed. I usually don't reply to messages after 10.30pm though as I seem to be one of the few people up after that time!

frankie In almost a year, Mr Ex never told his ex or kid about me. He said she would make access difficult, he didn't tell his parents because then his mum would tell the whole county... I saw a lot of communication with his ex and she did seem a bit unhinged and she was making access difficult, and his DM knows and talks to everyone so it sort of made sense to me because he was completely committed to our relationship and did and said all the right things so I was happy to wait.

He went fb public with the woman he dumped me for within 2 months.

Of course every situation is different, but if it makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable, it's ok to explore those feelings and discuss them with him. If he's a keeper, he'll understand. And he may be able to put your mind at rest. Things sound great otherwise 😊

Just the 3 dates then cat 🤣🤣 Your strike rate is outstanding! I'm over the moon to have one 😅

@WeWantTheFinestWines that’s awful! None of my guys have added me on socials - I haven’t wanted it really as would cause issues with my ex and embarass my kids if we posted anything - but I remember thinking Mr Beard was odd not adding me because he lived on Facebook and had hundreds of friends (a lot of them younger women he went clubbing with 🤔) and I was right to be suspicious.

@frankiefirstyear how old are all your kids? Do you want to start thinking about blending families? Or do you just not like being kept a secret? Mr G is really keen to meet my DD. He has no idea what he’s letting himself in for 🤣. I’ve decided I won’t do it unless she asks to meet him but she knows he exists. He offered to introduce me to his kids but I’ve said no for now. Because I want to see where things go with his ex so no point until I feel we are on firmer ground and I don’t yet. I think everyone is different. Personally I’m against meeting kids too soon for the kids’ sakes if they are young and likely to feel unsettled with comings and goings, but if you feel it is a committed relationship then I understand your concerns

@TheCatWithTheHat - just the three dates this weekend then? 😂😂😂. Half the blokes on OLD don’t get 3 dates a year! You’re killing it!

@UtterSocks mine are preschool age and his end of primary. The blended family is the aim for me at least, but it would mean buying a 4-5 bedroom house which isn't going to be easy or maybe even impossible until I go back to work (me being self employed won't help either to get a mortgage and I have no savings and no hope of accumulating any). He has his kids the majority of the time and it's always been so even when they were cohabitating as a family, she focuses on her career so I don't think it's that causing the U turn. Although we're very open about things there's an element of not wanting to 'break the spell', it's as though some things are being left unsaid probably more because our conversations go off on all sorts of tangents and we forgot our points/aims 🤷‍♀️ but it makes them so enjoyable because the hilarity of the related stories is what keeps it fun when we can't see each other.

I'd like to state huffily that it's quality not quantity that matters ...

Hope you strike gold on one those dates @TheCatWithTheHat

@VanGoghsDog can I ask something (not meant rudely but might come across that way via text) - Why are you still seeing Mr NeckKisser?

Question for the thread - it's normal for comms to go down after a while right or should I be worried? By comms I mean texts - just a bit less frequent during the day when we're both at work (both critical workers so actually at work rather than wfh) - MrLWs is still initiating calling me etc - i'm just getting smitten in the same way as @frankiefirstyear is with Mr M (similar time frame in terms of end of Jan being the first kiss 'proper date' but the months of walks beforehand!) but Mr LW is def very 'english' with his emotions (he's said this to me a few times)

@frankie - I'm doing a 60 day challenge to myself to just enjoy the 'relationship' with Mr LW without trying to plan how it 'should' be progressing, when we get to May I think i'll have a check in with him about what's going on which will be 6 months since we first matched and 4 months since the start of the 'proper dating' - assuming it gets that far obv! Since my divorce 3.5 years ago i've only had 3 short 4 month long flings so fingers firmly crossed this is different!

Good luck tomorrow @WeWantTheFinestWines looking forward to an update!!

Wow @TheCatWithTheHat good luck

(I agree @HairyArsedMan - it only takes one as they say)

So much for worrying that Mr Tennis was going to be full on. Haven't heard from him in nearly a week.
All my conversations with matches have dried up. I have had a few zombies pop up but they didn't want to pursue things back then and I'm not anyone's second best.

60 day thing is a good idea if I can stick to it as it should coincide with lockdown lifts too so an ideal opportunity to bring up topics about the what's and how's of the relationship development. This inactivity is just driving me a bit mad if I'm honest, need to try to calm myself down somehow. Eesha i think mentioned yoga which I gave up a while back. Maybe that will help me gain some mindfulness 🙏. Messaging I think always drops off and it can be a bit of a relief tbh as it takes up so much time?!

I’m feeling things are a bit sparse too in terms of messaging etc.

Which is kind of what I want as I don’t want any overwhelming interactions at the moment.

But my ego/attention-seeking/flirt side wants lots of messages!

I think the 60day “chill out and see” plan sounds good.

I’m not exclusive with anyone so maybe not 60 days but wait a few weeks till lockdown eases to see what is happening or not with my band of Merry Men and get back on apps.

In the meantime I’m going to do exercise, work on my skin, update clothes make sure I’m cute for when I am out again lots.

I'm definitely doing less filtering out than some (most!)! But I enjoy meeting new people, and you never know where it might lead! I think I prefer to meet people quickly, with little expectation.

This is after a lot of work though, and a lot of matches that just disappeared. I dread to think how many profiles I've swiped on!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but when I went out on my last date in a pub in December, just before lockdown started, I was on my way home and a rather drunk women grabbed me as I was walking out of my station, and started chatting. She was with a few friends (male and female), and she was keen for me to head back to continue the party back at the flat they were going to.

In the end I decided to go home, as I could sense that one of the guys in the group was a bit unhappy about it - but just goes to show you never know what might happen on a random night out!

@LongtimelurkerL

Just for an occasional walk, as a friend.

I live in a village, I know noone here for anything more than a quick hello. I'm single, live alone. I work from home in a job where I've not met anyone face to face as it started after the pandemic.
I'm not near any family - my mum is three hours away, and drives me mad, and my sister is four hours in the opposite direction and drives me mad in a different way. I speak to them both every few weeks.

I have a friend in my walking group I see every few weeks for a walk.

I have a friend I see about four times a year but she is being very Covid risk averse so it's hard to meet up. And a friend I see about twice a year but not for over a year now due to Covid.

So, I'm bored and lonely a lot of the time. And other than some of his odd habits, the inappropriate comments, he's an OK person. But I'm just wary that he hasn't quite grasped the friends thing. Til yesterday, I'd not seen him for weeks. And it annoys me when he says "hello stranger" because it feels like a pass-agg dig at me. And the daffodil thing feels like he thinks it's a date.

I have a week off work next week and literally the only thing I have to look forward to is a Waitrose delivery.

That's fair enough @VanGoghsDog and makes a lot of sense - def wasn't a dig at you just trying to understand

So my update ...

I stayed at Mr SASs on Tuesday night. He really is a sweetheart and we are friends but I have zero romantic feeling there. I need to make it clear that we are just playmates, but part of me knows I need to pull back and not mess him. I ended up going to the spare room, he's lovely but it just didn't feel right.

Mr HT, I hadn't heard from him again but as I woke in Mr SAS's spare room I knew it was Mr HT I wanted to see. I messaged him later on and he replied within 30 seconds, said he was feeling anti social but wanted to hear my news so I said ok let me know when you've time to chat. I spoke to my guy pal who said, he answers you immediately and wants to know .... but I've a feeling something is going on.
When he chatted that evening eventually he let out that his daughter is going through stuff and he's anxious and not sleeping and getting upset stomach's. So I told him I wouldn't pry into her life but I'm here, even for relaxing lighthearted chat. I reassured him that I cared for him. In the course of the chat He confirmed by various comments what I knew to be true, he is an ally to women and calls out other men and lifts us up. He was the most supportive of my work and course success. We chatted longer and I think after he relaxed a bit he was much more flirty and I went over. It was lovely and it feels nice sleeping in the same bed as him. He made me a lovely coffee and I had a shower and headed off. I'm staying in contact but keeping it light. I know if I wait for him to message he'll just think I've moved along. If I message he always responds quickly.

I like the idea of 60 days, just enjoy it, see how it goes, see if he relaxes into us. It will take it to his birthday, I promised him a seafood dinner. After that I will see if he's still holding me at a length.

Then there's Mr FF - the one that lives 3 hours away, we first chatted 5 /6 months ago and because of lockdown didn't meet. We however have stayed in touch lightly. He's chatting today and he's also feeling the affects of lockdown. We talked about meeting when we can and I told him I want more than a shag. He agreed that we get along too much for that and he would not have stayed in touch 5-6 months for just a shag. I guess he's got a point.

I guess I'll give Mr HT 60 days to figure his shit out and enjoy it in the meantime and give Mr FF the benefit of the doubt and perhaps I'll meet him sometime soon.

I am so tired ... I feel so burnt out. I'm child free until Sunday evening I think I will spend 90% of the weekend on the sofa/in bed

Good for you @cravingthelook, a chill out is good for the soul now and then especially if you're feeling exhausted. Have you cut Mr SAS loose?

M @cravingthelook

Relaxing weekend sounds good plan expect you’ll have some decent weather too.

Does MrHT know you’re still hoping for something more serious from him?

I’d just be a bit worried that he was being physically intimate thinking you’d mutually agreed to it being casual, which might put you in a very emotionally vulnerable position down the line.

I know I can’t have sex with someone I respect and like who is affectionate and kind without feeling needy and bonded!

Checking in for another update. My date with Miss Big Apple was another no for me. Her photos were flattering, and I just didn't fancy her in the flesh. On the plus side we had a nice walk, and I got another 6 miles of walking under my belt. It's also encouraging that I'm able to chat to someone new for 2-3 hours and make them laugh, and (hopefully) not bore them too much.

I'm just feeling really frustrated though. I've spent days and days swiping/liking and commenting to get this far, not to mention spending a fortune on boosts on the various apps. I've sent messages to 35+ matches on Tinder, I've completed Bumble with my new profile, I've done several laps of Hinge, and been chatting to 10+ matches there, and also filled in 100s of the daft questions on OKCupid.

And all I've got from it are 2 dates with women I don't fancy or click with, and 1 for Sunday which will most likely end up the same. Bumble and OKCupid have drawn a complete blank - not one conversation from either app, let alone a date. Is it really meant to be this hard? I've had 1 date in over a year that made me feel excited, and she wasn't interested. It all feels just so impossible.

@frankiefirstyear no but I will sit down with him and be clear about where I am.

@SpringlikeBunk I have told him I have a crush and want to spend time with him. A few weeks ago he'd have ended it with me for saying that, I think he likes me, he's just so head fixed that relationships don't work that he can't even see that we are in a form of relationship- just not a romantic exclusive monogamous one 😁 which is what he thinks doesn't work.

@TheCatWithTheHat that's exactly how I felt. It was a full time job trying to meet people. So I deleted the apps. I will wait until life opens and I can socialise. Even if things don't work out with Mr HT (or even Mr FF) I've decided I'm not going back on the apps before my birthday in June at the very least.

@TheCatWithTheHat must say that sounds exhausting and disappointing 😰 it's good that you seem to be able to take the positives from the experience, such as the exercise and enjoyable, albeit non romantic, conversations.
Do you ever come off the apps? The reason I ask is, in my limited experience of Tinder, if you delete the profile it opens up the previously left swiped profiles and shows you to them again. Maybe you're wondering why, but I advised my friend to do this also and he had some matches that had previously given him up and vice versa. Not sure how it works on other apps such as bumble but I know my self it depends on my mood who gets through and who doesn't.
Also though, have to say I don't like the thought of the apps consuming someone as it seems to with you, hope you don't mind me saying that and it's a comment coming from a friendly place, have you considered pouring your time into something else or are you just using lockdown as your only chance to use the apps so energetically?

cat I know how you feel so much. I wasn't even getting the dates and if Mr Music doesn't work out I'm back to nothing.

IME you don't have to delete for your rejects to return on Tinder - they keep coming back again and again for me. I've started not worrying about missing anyone good because I know they'll be back again soon.

I think Frankie may have a point. Maybe it's time for a break? I know some great single women who are not bothering with old until we can date properly again. I think lockdown is putting a lot of good 'uns off. Maybe a couple of months down the line everyone will be more up for giving dating a go?

@frankiefirstyear I deleted Bumble and Tinder recently, and signed up again a few days later with my new updated profile. I've gone through everyone on Bumble again, but have had very few likes let alone matches. Hinge seems to show the same people over and over if I X them rather than telling me I've run out.

I'm currently off work, and thought I'd throw myself into trying to match with new people after I updated my profiles as there's not much else to do, and I really wanted to try and get some dates lined up. Like a lot of people too, I'm feeling really lonely at the moment - living alone is tough, and I've had some really low moments recently.

It also doesn't help that I'm still missing Miss H a bit, and was hoping to throw myself into some new dates to help me move on.

I just don't get it though - I'm no Brad Pitt, but I'm also not a Shrek potato head and thanks to the help of this thread and a couple of friends I think my profile is decent too. So either I am actually really unappealing and am destined to being single forever, or most of the women I like aren't using the apps at the moment. Hopefully it's the latter! Maybe I'm just a bit early, and need to wait until May/June.

I've had a clear out of all the matches who haven't replied for a few days, so just have a few left. I've lost the enthusiasm for swiping, and have paused Bumble for the moment. I may even delete it and start again in a month or two.

@TheCatWithTheHat - I've been on and off this thread for about 18 months, and I don't post often but I do read and follow.

I hope this won't cause offence, but you come across on this thread as a bit desperate for dates. Like it's a very singular focus in your life right now. And I wonder if this comes across in your messaging and profile? I would find it very off-putting.

What boundaries do you have to stop the swiping and messages taking over your life? Do you still make time for you to be yourself and do what limited, covid safe things you like to do?

Take it or leave it, but I really want to offer my take which is to just take a break from it all. Be happy in yourself and stop looking for another person to complete you/your life for a while.

I definitely think the apps are designed to make people hooked/addicted. They have top level psychologists and human behaviour experts developing them.

They're a money-making exercise after all! Even having generally had an ok experience with them I can see the problems.

Eg before I came off recently I was thinking "should I hold out for this or that guy who sent a few nice messages but it looks like it might fizzle out". Then I just thought "ffs" its not controlling my life!

You get LOADS more matches than you do actual people who are serious about meeting. They're not necessarily fake profiles, but might just be attention seekers or people who swipe on everyone without reading.

Lots more who will send a few short messages but they will fizzle out

Then a few who will exchange interested/serious sounding messages but then disappear before physically meeting.

And of course if you meet is there going to be mutual attraction, etc, etc?

So its just the way the system is set out, but its easy to see the first list of matches and think these are all "serious prospects".

Which can lead to the customer having false hope or feeling if they just put more time or effort into it they'll eventually "access" a date and a relationship with one of these nice looking matches.

@HosannainExcelSheets no offence taken at all. I think you do have a point - I'm not sure desperate is quite the right word, but I do really want to meet someone. I like being in a relationship, and have a lot to offer. I guess at times maybe I do feel a sense of desperation creeping in as the weeks/months tick by.

Last night I was really quite down about the whole thing, not helped by an old injury playing up after going on long walks for 2 consecutive days which means I'm in a lot of pain and generally feeling sorry for myself. Plus yet another week of being ignored/rejected for jobs I've applied for. I feel like an old racehorse that's been put out to pasture, and no one wants.

I don't think it comes across in my profile though - that's upbeat and positive, and I posted most of it on here recently and got good feedback. I don't think my messaging shows that either - I try to be upbeat and fun in my messaging too, and I never reply instantly either. Even if I am sat here doing nothing, I don't want people to think that

To be honest, most of the things I enjoy doing have been put on hold due to Covid, and I've got even more time on my hands now that I'm in-between jobs. I usually am happy in myself, and like my own company. But you can have too much of a good thing. And I'm still hurting over what happened with Miss H too, which isn't helping.

@SpringlikeBunk that's a good point. I've definitely been sucked in by them. OKCupid seems the worst for that - the boosts are expensive, and not very effective. When I first signed up I had 200+ likes within a couple of days, but I wasn't getting any matches. I gave in and upgraded my subscription to view my likes, only to find that the majority were from China, The Philippines, Vietnam etc... Of that 200+, I don't think there was a single profile I swiped right on.

But there are some genuine people on there, and I am getting to meet people. I just want to click with one of them...