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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

986 replies

cravingthelook · 22/02/2021 09:26

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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35
DdraigGoch · 22/02/2021 23:58

Contact with Miss G continues as it ever did. If I suggest meeting up or having a Zoom call it is met with a deadly silence whereas replies to other messages are (if sparse) regular as clockwork, at roughly the same times each day. Any answer would be something - "no", "not now", "I'm not ready to meet up", "I'm working this afternoon", "I don't want anything more than someone to message online" but instead there's just radio silence while I contemplate whether there's any point in continuing this. I let that message stand from yesterday morning until just now, to see if a response would eventually be forthcoming, willing myself not to message first so that she either has to acknowledge the message or it's time for me to give up (obviously I don't put this in writing). And then a Snapchat "story" comes up (for the uninitiated, these are viewable by all contacts rather than being directed at an individual) with wording to the effect of "I'm not ignoring, I've just been having less phone time". In almost Pavlovian style, she whistles and I come running, continuing the disjointed chain of messages with apparently little prospect of even a socially-distanced walk. Why do I persist with what is probably a lost cause? Maybe I'm just a sucker for blue eyes.

Internet messages are such an awfully impersonal method of communication, you can't establish any form of connection or really work out whether you may be compatible. How quickly do most of you try and take things offline (or at least move beyond messages to phone/video calls)?

Still - with no other irons in the fire at the moment (all of those Bumble matches expired as expected) - I've got nothing to lose for now.

NotAgainNoMore · 23/02/2021 00:24

@DdraigGoch - that doesn't sound promising but at least you recognise it. Are you on any other dating sites? Widen the net?

SleepyBunk · 23/02/2021 00:30

@DdraigGoch

To summarise - contact who you like the look of but isn’t actually open to or interested in meeting or communicating more? And she occasionally reels you back in?

I’d just leave it or ignore her or make it low priority?

If you haven’t met in person maybe she just likes having the virtual attention or doesn’t come across/look as good in person.

I do know of quite a few “amazing looking photo/profile/Instagram” people who really aren’t as attractive in real life - voice or posture or being seen “out of very specific angles/lighting ”

So not exactly catfishes, but know that the adoration they get virtually probably won’t continue in person?

I tend to raise meeting ASAP myself just as I hate chatting indefinitely and forming virtual relationships in advance! Obviously watch for red flags but people do lie so asking a dozen questions in advance doesn’t really help.

I don’t really call it a formal date just suggest meeting for - low key coffee or a drink and let things extend as they will.

DdraigGoch · 23/02/2021 02:30

To be honest, I suspect that there are lingering issues surrounding her previous relationship still fresh in memory, it sounds like it ended pretty dramatically (apparently he was cheating through Grindr and wouldn't go away when told "you're chucked") so I can understand her wish to take things slowly and not wanting to commit too quickly. I have no issue with taking things slowly, I'd just rather it be a slow build up of socialising instead of conducting everything through a keyboard.

I'm not really doubting whether she does look as good in real life as some of her photos are in poorer light and noticeably lack mascara so I'd say that she probably is the type who would look good even if wearing a black bag.

The weird thing is though that quite early on we had arranged to meet but she then pulled out. So maybe having not been able to believe my luck at how fast she'd agreed then, I'm still clinging to the hope that it wasn't a fluke.

I'm using Tinder, Bumble and Match. I realise that it is a numbers game with OLD (you swipe through 100 profiles, match with ten, meet up with one - the real life odds are worse than that). Trouble us that numbers games are more difficult in a less-densely populated area. Some on this thread think that things will pick up online as restrictions ease but that'll be a while yet.

I'm reluctant to widen the search radius as I'll just end up with dozens of profiles from a major conurbation which is an hour and a half away (but due to the geography about 30 miles as the crow flies). Apart from the distance, those living in said conurbation are likely to keep their radii smaller so wouldn't even see my profile. In short, I'd be wasting my time. On Match though I do look a little further afield.

OLD is clearly a poor substitute for IRL dating. It does however come with the benefit of knowing that the other person is (probably) after some kind of relationship and helps to spare the blushes of asking someone out. Speed dating was a good compromise but it'll be months before that's allowed again and most events are across the border. I used to take a dance class one evening a week, that's currently banned; my volunteering/hobby interests are male dominated; and travel is banned so I'm not going to have interesting late-night chats with German medical students or French violinists in Scottish hostels.

Otherwise, there are a couple of women at work who might be worth chatting to but social distancing measures mean that we don't see as much of our colleagues in messroom and obviously I'd need to keep well away from the resident gossips (they're like the Jerry under the bed in WWII posters). Customer interaction has likewise been suspended for the duration so the chances of accidentally hitting it off with one of them are next to nil. The staff at the plastic-free shop are likely to share some of my cares but there's usually a queue (covid to blame again) and I'm wary of putting someone in an awkward/embarrassing position while they're at work. All in all, this pandemic makes it crap being single.

Never mind, the local shelter is advertising a kitten. According to the description it has baggage and would prefer to take things slowly. I've had practice there!

frankiefirstyear · 23/02/2021 08:04

@DdraigGoch I've found in the past that with chats (either OLD or RL that have turned to texts) that I assume meet ups are inevitable once it's been established as a decent connection, but some men just do exactly what you describe when it comes to meeting up. One guy passed my road end on certain days and I assumed he'd told me this because he wanted an invitation (which he got in a would be breezy 'drop in one night if you like') but in response I got a 'why would I do that?'. There'd been no mention of it just being chat, so not sure why an invitation came as a surprise but that was probably the strangest non-meet.

Personally I'd be driven to meet up within about two weeks of contact if it was going well on the chat/calls etc. Not sure if that's 'normal' as I don't really do online dating and prefer to be in contact with those I already know.

Can I ask advice please on how to move on from best sex ever with miles of chemistry 💔 to not so much 😭 me and Mr M DTD last night after a rescheduled date and zero jitters from me (think they were killed off by previous nights disappointing cancellation).

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 23/02/2021 08:39

@DdraigGoch she sounds flaky and is wasting your time/headspace. You on the other hand are articulate and funny! Love the kitten comment 😂

@frankiefirstyear are you saying DTD for the first time with someone new last night wasn’t that great? Could be nerves on his part perhaps?

WeWantTheFinestWines · 23/02/2021 08:45

@DdraigGoch she's not taking things slowly, she's not taking things at all! It's all very well that she's got baggage, etc, and you're being very kind to her taking that into consideration, but she's not communicating with you at all. She's leaving you hanging on, but not showing any signs of wanting to meet and get to know you better. Please don't waste any more of your time on her, no good can come of it. It is so so hard meeting people, even without lockdown, I am totally with you. But don't let that build up your hopes for someone who's stringing you along. You deserve so much better.

frankiefirstyear · 23/02/2021 08:53

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic yes we've both been unavailable until recently but had eyes for each other for a long time. DTD last night and despite loads of nerves and great feelings beforehand it just wasn't what I thought it would be. I'm struggling to get past an amazing sexual connection with my ex (a horrible man but perfect in bed 🤦‍♀️).

HairyArsedMan · 23/02/2021 08:54

@DdraigGoch ah the dreaded Long Chat Syndrome. I believe in kindness and second chances (especially after The Pina Colada Song has gripped my soul Grin) so I would make her an encouraging final offer ‘it’s been lovely chatting and as you know would love to meet, so drop me a line when you’re ready’.

I got into a chat that was quite the opposite. When I hadn’t responded (through my working afternoon) she sent me a message saying she was out. Think we’d exchanged half a dozen messages at that point and she was averaging a day to get back to me on my messages while I’d been prompt for the most part 🤷‍♂️

SortingItOut · 23/02/2021 09:01

@frankiefirstyear is it first time nerves?
The problem with having amazing sexual chemistry before is that you're always searching for the same.

I know others on here have had not great sex the first time but then by the 2nd or 3rd time its really great.

Maybe give him another chance if you really like him.

WingingItAtLife · 23/02/2021 09:30

@DdraigGoch i agree with WeWantTheFinestWines.
Miss G isn't being fair on you at all. By the sounds, you're being very patient. But she shouldn't just be ignoring your mentions of meet ups/phone calls.
Meeting up for me was very difficult with two children, and I know Mr Green would have met much sooner if we could have but I was honest with him about things and we began the odd phone call.
I agree you deserve better.

@frankiefirstyear how long were you with your ex? Was the sexual chemistry there immediately with him? Sex with my ex was fantastic, but we'd been together for a long time and learned what each other liked. Sex with Mr Green was good, not as good as with the ex but I put that down to it being the first time and we both being a bit nervous.

@HairyArsedMan I'm sorry, are you saying that you were messaging someone and because you didn't message back while you were working, she's backed out? Wow, imagine you actually having to work sometimes and not be available constantly lol

HairyArsedMan · 23/02/2021 10:24

@WingingItAtLife That’s exactly what happened ! I guess as I’d been fairly prompt up to that point it was (anxiously) interpreted as waning interest. I apologised for any distress caused. She then mentioned previous difficult breakup, I empathised, and she then threw in the towel again saying she didn’t want to date someone so uptight !

I don’t really mind - chats have such a high wastage ratio - you get used to it. About half a dozen chats happened before getting to a date last week for example. None of them were ended politely, just an overnight disappearance. I guess it’s such a time sink for others too that even a polite thanks but no thanks can’t even be mustered.

DdraigGoch · 23/02/2021 11:00

I filed her under "probably won't happen" some time ago so am not going to get worked up about it. Decided to continue answering messages as I haven't really got much to lose and far more free time than I know what to do with at the moment. I'll just keep looking elsewhere and if some miracle happens in the meantime then 'great', if it doesn't then 'oh well, never mind'.

frankiefirstyear · 23/02/2021 11:14

@HairyArsedMan sounds like you've dodged a bullet there if I'm honest. Totally unreasonable to expect speedy replies every time (especially forgivable if it's a one off!!) and not sure where the uptight comment came from Hmm

I'm definitely giving it another few rounds with Mr M. My fitness is majoridirily to blame for sure but only one (enjoyable) way to fix that!

crazycatlady20 · 23/02/2021 11:15

I was blocked recently because of lack of replies. told them I was going to bed at 9pm (granted it was early) and woke to 4/5 rude messages at 8.45am full of swearing saying he needed more effort and wasn't in to game playing 😂

I really don't know what to do at the minute, was supposed to be 'trying' with last iron that I'd been seeing most of last year but he hasn't replied to my last message from fri am and I'm not chasing. I'm done.

had been feeling pretty low in January but feeling a bit more in control of my emotions and more ready to enforce my boundaries, however an old friend offered to come over the other day for sex and it upset me that he would come for sex but not just to hang out. not heard from him since either.

I had messaged a guy I liked on fb that I know in passing but he hasn't replied 🙁. I think he is struggling with his mental health at the minute. I really like him and would love to spend time with him. think we are both looking for the same things. urgh

not on any apps as can't be bothered chatting to anyone on there. they all just seem to want to meet for casual sex.

I'm so lonely 🙁

bangheadhere40 · 23/02/2021 11:24

My iron is messaging all day long! Argh...makes a difference to the other one who never messaged for days and ignored me.

How often are you guys with irons talking?

crazycatlady20 · 23/02/2021 11:29

@bangheadhere40 it's good when things just flow. glad it's going well

if you have stuff to chat about just keep chatting. good luck

WeWantTheFinestWines · 23/02/2021 11:31

crazy you've really had your fair share of crazies! Sorry you're feeling down. I reckon those irons are also feeling down and stressed and lonely and their behaviour is their way of not dealing with it.

I live with two teenage boys and my ex, we all have dinner together every night, I see people at work every day and I also feel lonely. I think everyone's struggling. It will get better Flowers

frankiefirstyear · 23/02/2021 11:35

Arr @crazycatlady20 having good boundaries is a positive step, the one struggling with MH could take ages to come around and not a reflection on you at all, my iron has some MH issues and it's unsettling for me to worry about him spiralling again.

I have grown quite accustomed to just being there for sex, I've a high sex drive so if the chemistry is there I'm fine with that; so much so that I've transgressed to feeling a bit bored afterwards, wanting them to go straight after to avoid unfeeling cuddling, yet I'm really affectionate 🤷‍♀️ residue issues from previous relationship I'm guessing there.

Hoping that all recipients of red flags can let go and move on from a potentially heart breaking and damaging relationships!

GentlemanJay · 23/02/2021 11:39

I went on a Bumble date on Saturday. A walking date. Covid secure. We did about seven miles. It was very nice.

crazycatlady20 · 23/02/2021 11:43

@WeWantTheFineWines yeah it's hard for everyone I think whether ur surrounded by people or not. I'm in a much better place than I was tho, feeling pretty strong, lonely all the same. in the past I have gone on the apps just to chat to someone to take my mind off things.

as for my iron/friend, this is how they are. friend is good to chat to but happily single and chancing his luck. iron has done it before. it was him who messaged me last week saying he missed me! met up now not heard from him for days. im a sap I fear. need to move on.

TheCatWithTheHat · 23/02/2021 13:25

@frankiefirstyear not sure what to suggest other than giving it a couple of goes to see if things improve. Also trying to work out what made it so good with your ex.

I'm in a similar position - had really amazing chemistry with Miss H, but the next two I slept with just didn't match up which was a shame.

@crazycatlady20 sorry to see you're feeling so down. You're not the only one feeling lonely, I feel the same - although that won't help you feel any better. At least there is now an end date in sight for being able to do things again which is some good news.

Disappearing chats is just a way of life... I got deleted on the app and blocked on WhatsApp by someone who seemed keen to meet - my only crime was not replying straight away to her first WhatsApp message saying hi.

My 2 Bumble matches haven't replied since last week, and most of my Hinge matches have gone quiet too.

Not one offer to help me fit my duvet cover Sad

Also, I saw this on the BBC website earlier and thought it might be interesting. Looks like gloomy Kevin has been busy!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-56127488

WeWantTheFinestWines · 23/02/2021 13:51

I may have underestimated Kevin. Maybe the brooding, gloomy look and miserable profile is reeling them in in their droves. And clever ruse, too claim Tinder won't let his change his name. It all makes sense now.

Slothmomma · 23/02/2021 14:20

I've been on and off apps for 2 years now - only once encountered a scammer that wanted me to send him some money after we'd been messaging a few days. Oh how I laughed 🤣 In fact thats what I did - sent a nice long line of that laughing emoji and said surely he could do better than that and then blocked and deleted 😁

SleepyBunk · 23/02/2021 16:54

Crikey that’s a good warning @TheCatWithTheHat

Just a reminder there’s a lot of crazies out there

I’m broke and tight but there’s still a lot of creepy blackmailers out there.

I have a locked down/low social media presence but there’s often slightly “off” guys fishing for personal details and sort of testing for vulnerabilities/information

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