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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone know how I can tell if my partner is using cocaine?

170 replies

findingout88 · 18/02/2021 17:00

I've tried to Google this but it's not very clear.
How is a person physically after doing it? How can I tell? I suspect he is

OP posts:
Mix56 · 21/02/2021 16:26

Wow, he still hasn't admitted of shown any remorse? How can you possibly be sure he's stopped? You will be playing detective for how long? How do you tell if he is borrowing from family & friends?
You need to find another place to rent for your Dd & you are & get out asap.
Can you go home to your oarents in the interim?

Mix56 · 21/02/2021 16:32

Sorry for typos😬

Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 18:22

@serene12
Thankyou I hadn't heard of this but will look

OP posts:
Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 18:23

@Mix56
That wouldn't really be an option but I'm going to start looking for a house I think.
And that's exactly the thing, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time or like you say playing detective to see what's going on

OP posts:
Exofanaddict · 21/02/2021 18:29

@findingout88 the other thing you don't want to turn into is his keeper. At one point I monitored his bank, phone, emails everything. Felt more like his mother than a partner.

Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 18:36

@Exofanaddict
That's exactly how I've felt since I've been suspecting. Even waiting for him come home wondering what state he's in, it's just awful

OP posts:
Sssloou · 21/02/2021 18:51

What notice do you have for your rental?

Would you consider moving somewhere else rather than having the drama of getting him out?

His behaviour on all levels is damaging and sounds intolerable. Know that leaving the relationship is the best thing you can do for all 3 of you.

Exofanaddict · 21/02/2021 19:03

@findingout88 I got a lot of guilty admissions via little notes at first and then by text message each Friday when he owed money. So I'd be at work basically waiting for one of these. And then trying to deal with it while working.
I'd check emails for payday loans, bank accounts for him taking out money.. It was just awful to be honest.
We had his child every weekend so I also had to spend the weekend pretending everything was fine Sad god knows how I ever coped but I'm ever so glad I don't have to live like that anymore.

Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 19:36

@Sssloou
It's a 2 year fixed leese with about 4 months left in it so I will have to see what the options are.
He wouldn't go quietly if he went at all so it would be best for me to go

OP posts:
Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 19:37

@Exofanaddict
Do you mean where he was telling you things weren't paid or did he actually tell you about the cocaine?

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/02/2021 19:48

Can you check his bank account ?

Exofanaddict · 21/02/2021 20:00

@findingout88 both really. Before he confessed he had a problem I knew something was wrong I just had no idea what. When I did find out he was a bit more resistant to certain forms of help and we'd go months where I'd think he was okay then I'd get a nice surprise confession Hmm but this continued for years with all the lies etc that go with it.
What bothers me with your situation is that it may be nowhere near as extreme in amounts as mine was.. But until he admits that there is a problem it's certainly not going to change. And I really wouldn't wish that life on anyone.

Sssloou · 21/02/2021 20:02

[quote findingout88]@Sssloou
It's a 2 year fixed leese with about 4 months left in it so I will have to see what the options are.
He wouldn't go quietly if he went at all so it would be best for me to go [/quote]
It’s concerning that you have said a couple of times now that he will not go quietly if at all. Are you concerned for your safety? How likely is the “pacing about and ranting” to escalate? If you have concerns - then YOU need to go quietly - don’t alert him to anything.

Take a look at the lease to see if you still have to give notice to get out at the end. I wouldn’t be signing another years lease with this man at this time. Do some private and careful planning - then just put it into quietly into action.

Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 20:13

@Thisisworsethananticpated
I don't know his log in details, I was looking at his bank statements but he will probably go paperless with this soon because I've looked at them

OP posts:
Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 20:14

@Exofanaddict that sounds awful. And you're right yes, he's not going to help himself if he doesn't think there's a problem or doesn't admit it to himself

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 21/02/2021 20:15

@findingout88

Does anyone know if I can get in trouble for anonymously calling his work? I won't mention his name but that I know of things going on.
Not at all.

But if they act on it, he'll probably be quite displeased and aiming to rinse your account of your inheritance earlier than he was planning to . The police will remove him quickly, particularly if you say he's likely to be on coke at the time (as that makes violence more likely, unfortunately).

Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 20:17

@Sssloou
I think I've experienced the worst with him by his mouth, the things he says to me during these times are pretty unforgivable. Criticising things about my looks, my life, my job, my family.
Of course he says these things aren't true when he's in a normal state.
If I leave it will be when he was at work, he won't know anything until he comes home to an empty house filled only with a couple of things he actually helped to buy

OP posts:
Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 20:19

@NeverDropYourMoonCup
He can't get into my accounts luckily.

OP posts:
MenopausalCrone · 21/02/2021 20:23

Sorry to hear this Findingout88. It unfortunately won't get any better if he's in the grip of it. My 24 year relationship ended due to the husband's coke habit and it took quite a few years of tears and denials from him and then confessions and a 6 month separation (then another year) before I finally called it a day! It's so hard to let go especially when you have children. I've been free of him for over a decade now and have never looked back.

I was chatting to him recently and he was moaning about how his new girlfriend was getting on his nerves because she whinges when he has a 'little toot' after work!!!

ItisLikethis · 21/02/2021 20:29

Yuck! Losers like this don't deserve to have partners. And how desperately sad when DC are involved.

I knew an ex addict. As PP said upthread they are insufferable wankers. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

I feel like scrubbing myself down after reading this thread. Yuck!

Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 20:35

@MenopausalCrone
Ew that's awful he even puts it like that

OP posts:
Sssloou · 21/02/2021 20:35

I think I've experienced the worst with him by his mouth, the things he says to me during these times are pretty unforgivable. Criticising things about my looks, my life, my job, my family.

Please don’t assume this.

It sounds like he is v emotionally violent already to you even though you currently enable his addiction. This will get worse if/when he finds out that you are moving on. The combination of coke and alcohol and him feeling destabilised by you leaving could flip him into violence. My friend and her teenage DD were beaten to a pulp by her partner when she tried to leave. Please be v careful. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Get a safety escape plan in place. Tell a friend and alert the police if possible issue.

Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 20:36

@ItisLikethis
It's the lies that are the worst with them and knowing full well you know what's going on to be told you're a psycho and crazy

OP posts:
Original poster
findingout88 · 21/02/2021 20:37

@Sssloou
I will do thankyou, I wouldn't stand a chance trying to leave while he was in the house I'd have no choice but to leave quietly and I would make sure he didn't know where I was

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 21/02/2021 20:43

So sorry op. Just the fact that you know you would have to leave while he's at work tells me he is selfish and controlling.

One thing I can assure you is that you can't fail to be anything but happier away from him. Your daughter too.

Good luck, stay strong.

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