Anyone know how I can tell if my partner is using cocaine?

[findingout88]

I've tried to Google this but it's not very clear.
How is a person physically after doing it? How can I tell? I suspect he is

So from what you're saying OP it sounds like he's more than a recreational user. If it was once every couple of months with mates on a night out, and he was honest about it, I guess you might be less concerned. But it sounds pretty frequent doesn't it. Once a week maybe. You don't have to be using every day to be an addict. And as someone else said, its insidious, creeps up on you, and before you know it you've got an addict as a partner who's lying to you, and potentially using at home too. My partner was not a social user, his favourite time was at home alone after I had gone to bed (and he did also use at work). Eventually (and I'm not saying that this is your situation), we would have his dealer posting little baggies of coke through our front door.
You can drug test him as much as you like, he will fail and lie, and you'll end up questioning your own sanity. You can monitor his bank accounts but he will lie and probably just borrow money elsewhere, rack up huge debts with his dealer. It won't end just because you want it to. His actions do need consequences, otherwise you are enabling him. So you have to decide what to do, and it's really really hard. I really hope you can find the support you need

You said there was residue on his bank card @findingout88? You can buy cocaine detection wipes that change colour if there is cocaine on a surface.

@Missreginafalange
Yeah there's a couple of 40s a couple of 80s

@Exofanaddict
I think he's just finding excuses, he says the strips can say whatever they want on them
Or where they are from and they might be wrong

@Sssloou
I've got October November and january. I've just had another look through, couple of £40 and £80 withdrawals and transfers and the big one of £220
I completely understand what you are saying and you're right that's what I'm doing

@findingout88 there will be plenty of excuses and even if he did them there would be excuses too unfortunately.
I may be cynical because I wasted too much time and it really badly effected my mental health for a bit but I would not stay with him. Its just not worth having to live your life being suspicious all the time.

I've got some inheritance coming to me soon, and I'm so glad I've worked all this out now and that I have my own bank account. I dread to think what would happen if it was in a joint account

So it looks like with a couple of £40s, a £80 & a £220 bank withdrawals, he bought illegal drugs worth say £400 in December, looks like he has bought 10 bags or so, that you know of & depending on how many lines (1 gram= 8 lines, approx) you can get out of a bag, he has been able to take cocaine daily.

also, the sore he has under his nose, will also be eating into his throat

Can your family afford his drug habit ?
How long do you intend to let him lie ?

@getsomehelp
It looks that way.
We go halves on the bills so the rest of his money he will keep, so instead of saving for holidays etc this is what he could be spending his money on

One of my seniors at work has a habit - he rubs it on his gums (we think) cos he’s always fidgetting with his guns and jawline. He makes silly conversation, rude jokes and swears - all things he would never normally do. Very hyper, very touchy-feely, inane rapid chatter are all signs he’s wired.

My reasons for suspecting him, is he comes home from work (definately after at the least drinking) but he paces the house, rants

Where is he drinking in lockdown? At work as well? This behaviour above on its own is unacceptable - it’s domestic violence / emotional abuse. If your child is seeing, hearing or sensing this this will be having a detrimental impact on their emotional development. Children absorb and internalise abuse and stress - they don’t understand it, it causes fear and confusion and they develop anxious behaviours that by the time their are teenagers become chronic MH issues. Your child will also be sensitive and absorbing your stress and preoccupation and will feel unsafe.

If your partner wants to get clean - they should leave the home and get on with it - you and your child do not need to endure his withdrawal or live the roller coaster ride of recovery.

He has repeatedly lied to you, gaslighted you and is burning through family money. If he is spending £400 on coke and unable to save to pay for his half or a family holiday - who do you and your child go with? Or will you pay for him?

Regarding your inheritance and your other accounts - change your pins and hide your cards - keep a v close eye on your accounts. He will also feel entitled to that inheritance - because cokeheads are arrogant, entitled and driven.

What are his plans for when he fucks up at work or gets caught and loses his job - does he have a cash contingency to see him through to the next job? Or will you be bailing that one?

As PP said it’s not just the financial drain but the emotional battering that you and your child will endure. And it gets worse, it’s a progressive disease - they need more and more just to get through the day. And that costs.

I feel for you,I've been through this and it's soul destroying,the typical £40 (here it's 40 a bag or 3 bags for 100)the things I've found out since I kicked my ex out are unbelievable,loans taken out,strangers knocking on my door making threats,he owes friends,family and co workers,he's now admitted it started the odd line when having a beer! But now he uses all day everyday,walk away it will destroy you x

@Sssloou

My reasons for suspecting him, is he comes home from work (definately after at the least drinking) but he paces the house, rants

Where is he drinking in lockdown? At work as well? This behaviour above on its own is unacceptable - it’s domestic violence / emotional abuse. If your child is seeing, hearing or sensing this this will be having a detrimental impact on their emotional development. Children absorb and internalise abuse and stress - they don’t understand it, it causes fear and confusion and they develop anxious behaviours that by the time their are teenagers become chronic MH issues. Your child will also be sensitive and absorbing your stress and preoccupation and will feel unsafe.

If your partner wants to get clean - they should leave the home and get on with it - you and your child do not need to endure his withdrawal or live the roller coaster ride of recovery.

He has repeatedly lied to you, gaslighted you and is burning through family money. If he is spending £400 on coke and unable to save to pay for his half or a family holiday - who do you and your child go with? Or will you pay for him?

Regarding your inheritance and your other accounts - change your pins and hide your cards - keep a v close eye on your accounts. He will also feel entitled to that inheritance - because cokeheads are arrogant, entitled and driven.

What are his plans for when he fucks up at work or gets caught and loses his job - does he have a cash contingency to see him through to the next job? Or will you be bailing that one?

As PP said it’s not just the financial drain but the emotional battering that you and your child will endure. And it gets worse, it’s a progressive disease - they need more and more just to get through the day. And that costs.

He drinks at work, and on the way home. Not every day. But I'm wondering if he drinks to hide the cocaine use. So I have something to smell on him without him appearing different with no reason if you know what I mean. I have done nothing but cry for the last 3 days. He has seen this and I'm not making any excuses but I think it's sunk in, but probably only until next time. Luckily he doesn't know the pin to my cards or have any access to my online banking. My inheritance will be kept in my savings account and at this rate, is going to be a security blanket for me and my child to be able to leave when we would need to. I'm honestly really struggling with dealing with all this from him and then being called crazy for it

Does anyone know if I can get in trouble for anonymously calling his work? I won't mention his name but that I know of things going on.

@Itstimetoquit

I feel for you,I've been through this and it's soul destroying,the typical £40 (here it's 40 a bag or 3 bags for 100)the things I've found out since I kicked my ex out are unbelievable,loans taken out,strangers knocking on my door making threats,he owes friends,family and co workers,he's now admitted it started the odd line when having a beer! But now he uses all day everyday,walk away it will destroy you x

Wow that's awful, I feel like my eyes have been opened with all this.

BIL is a regular user. You would have absolutely no idea.
So you can’t always tell

@findingout88, the test strips are very reliable,my ex has also said he uses to sober up,I'm going to message you x

@mouldyhouse101
That's scary

@Itstimetoquit
Ok thankyou

It's a horrible realisation to come to. If you ever need to chat more please feel free to message me.

@Exofanaddict
Thankyou so much, it is really hard.

Why would you call his work? Do you think that it will put the wind up him and he will stop? It won’t. He will carry on taking risks and hiding it more.

How is he able to drink at work?

One day he will lose his job for being unreliable, under the influence, inept, dealing, getting caught, falling out with a colleague who he owes money to etc etc.

Don’t worry about what’s going to him.....worry about what increasing negativity you will continue exposing your child to emotionally and how the money will impact you.

Do you rent or have a mortgage together - what plans do you have in place to house your child when your DP runs out of cash, runs up debt and loses his job? You don’t need to proceed to this level .... you can choose a different path for you and your DC and step off this conveyor belt sooner rather than later.

I also believe leaving the addict sooner rather than later is better for them because their MH / addiction may not have degraded to the point of no return where they are unable to pull themselves through. If they lose their home, partner and child sooner they may find the focus to sort themselves out. It’s the kick up the arse they need. Even if you never got back together at least your DC may have a functional parent. If you leave and they still don’t sort themselves out then you can be glad you and your child weren’t in that car crash with them.

Do you have anyone in RL who YOU can talk to openly without judgement. Maybe invest in a counsellor to find some clarity.

@Sssloou
You're absolutely right, I think I was in the mind frame of somehow trying to fix him but that's not going to happen
We rent together, I would be able to sort things on my own if the worst comes to it but I'd want him out and that could be a struggle but I'd be prepared to call the police in that situation

Have you considered getting help for yourself? www.familiesanonymous.org.uk is for the families/friends who are concerned about a loved one who has a drug problem. They have a helpline, forum, literature and meetings which at present are held via Zoom.
I felt so isolated and ashamed when I realised that I had a loved one in drug addiction and I felt so much better when I could share with other people who truly understood, and were able to share their recovery stories. I learnt to detach with love, not to enable and that my loved one had to face the consequences of their poor choices.

It is really scary. Holds down a normal job and you wouldn’t be any the wiser unless you were close to him. Even his GF has no idea