Anyone know how I can tell if my partner is using cocaine?

[findingout88]

I've tried to Google this but it's not very clear.
How is a person physically after doing it? How can I tell? I suspect he is

[Mrgrinch]

Sounds like he's on cocaine.

Do you have access to his bank account? You could check for random transfers or cash withdrawals.

[Itstimetoquit]

I was testing my ex last year,everyone was negative( I was so happy ) then I found out ex had bought same test strips and got his sister to do a few to keep in his wallet! Absolutely vile the lengths he would go to,he's now living on sister's sofa,he's constantly skint(and he has a very well paid job) we have a son together but until he's clean there will be no contact,best thing I ever did kicking that asshole out x

[Sconesgone]

Yes OP, he's 100% using coke.
My partner is currently in recovery from cocaine addiction and I can tell you from bitter experience that you have a long and difficult road ahead of you if he's an addict and you stay together. There's the mood swings, the money problems, the illnesses, the dubious behaviour, but the lying is the hardest part. Prepare to be gaslighted, he won't admit to it and you will be called crazy and dillusional many times.You have already started to play detective, and that will only get worse. It will eat away at you and the trust in your relationship will be gone.
You won't be able to fix or save him if he is an addict, but maybe he isn't on that path yet, maybe he's a recreational user and maybe he'll stop. That's a lot of maybes though and he's already lying and that's not a good sign.
Its not always easy to leave despite what the LTB brigade say on here, so don't give yourself a hard time if you don't. Get informed and get support if you can.

[EmilyEmmabob]

My ex was badly addicted to coke by the time I realised he was more than just an occasional user peer pressured into it. We were really young and didn't live together so my experience might be different.

The first sign was the hyperactivity, running off during nights out (actually running - he and his friend had started to do this under the guise of something cool and random to do, it stopped any questions) and staying up for full nights at a time. He was a musician and started staying up all night writing songs and playing his guitar, so when I stayed over that's what he'd do.

After this came the issues with sex, unable to last longer than a few minutes when previously he had no issues, then he had occasions of being unable to maintain an erection. He convinced me that it was because he was nervous, that he'd put himself under a lot of pressure to make it better for me. Another lie.

We went for a weekend away, he spent the whole time feeling weak and ill. Then he couldn't urinate, on the last day he had to lie down after we'd packed our things, he was sweating, clearly agitated and struggling. He told me he had a water infection and had forgotten to bring his antibiotics.

He then started to have money issues, the time I realised it was a big issue was when he said he had an appointment with the bank. He said he needed £500 and if he could deposit that amount into his bank the next day he'd be given a better bank account with a free overdraft facility, this would then help him to get out of debt. He made me drive to the cash machine late at night (and desperate for me to do this before midnight) to withdraw £250 (max amount allowed). He then forced me to drive back there after midnight for the rest!

The next day when I woke up (staying at my house) he'd left me a note to say he couldn't sleep so he was going home. I actually fell for that one too.

He started having nosebleeds, then a lot of anxiety and eventually panic attacks. He'd spend whole days in bed too scared to get up. When that wore off he started to have chest pains and even went so far as having medical investigations as to why. I don't know what the outcome of that was, he never said.

Eventually this all came to a head when he flit in the middle of the night and left the country. He confessed over the phone and I ended up having to bail him out with a lot of money. He returned once his debt had been paid off, I did that for him on the agreement that he wouldn't contact me again.

Of course he tried but by this point I'd wised up a bit. The suspicious behaviour was quite subtle to start with and built up, which is most likely why I didn't notice it.

Honestly, OP - leave, don't look back. Once someone has gone down this route it will always be their priority. And if sourcing and taking it isn't a priority then trying to avoid temptation will be. You deserve better.

[gutful]

You kissed him, tasted bitter & your tongue went numb

Yep that’s cocaine

[gutful]

Oh wait didn’t read how you licked the credit card as a test! That’s hilariously smart. He is straight up lying to you.

I would cut him out like a cancer - coke heads are insufferable wankers

[findingout88]

Sounds pathetic I know but I'm absolutely heartbroken. He's not admitted to it just said the things that have gone on won't anymore. Is there a chance this isn't an addiction just an occasional thing? Since November last year I can think of 5 times I've suspected

[findingout88]

Rather than an addiction I mean

[Sssloou]

No.

If you are in lockdown and there are no big social party events that are related to your 5 suspicions then he has a personal addiction rather than a social habit IMHO - especially when you say he comes in from work. These 5 suspicions are likely to be the tip of the iceberg.

If he is unable to be transparent with you - it means he is not being honest even with himself. Don’t tie yourself to fixing him - only he can do that. Three “C’s” of addiction: YOU didnt cause it. YOU can’t control it. YOU can’t cure it.

Do you have children / mortgage / joint finances or financial commitments with him?

Money issues, debt, theft are what’s coming if that’s not there already. Along with MH issues. DV and loss of jobs. Week before last 3rd person in the last 18months that I know died of a heart attack related to cocaine + alcohol addiction (often go together) all men in early 40’s with young children.

[gutful]

I would e concerned with the thing that often goes in hand with cocaine use - sex workers.

Also that he won’t admit to cocaine use he just says vaguely “the things that have gone on won’t anymore.”

What does that even mean?

You really should end this, he isn’t being honest with your or himself. He is minimising, he is giving you the least amount of information possible as he thinks he can get away with to get you off his back.

What else is he hiding. You will never know with someone like that.

[findingout88]

@gutful
Do you mean he could be seeing prostitutes too?

[findingout88]

We have a young child, seperate bank accounts. I can't see where he would find the time for a sex worker if I'm honest. He calls me all the time on his breaks, he's not late home from work. But he does clearly find the time to sniff cocaine at work, and obviously lockdown means life is work and home

[findingout88]

Is it possible he could be leaving out information to tell me as this couldve hit home and he is going to change but doesn't want to admit to the full truth? Or am I clutching at straws?

[getsomehelp]

You can assume he is doing coke, there is reasonable doubt. Don't tiptoe around it, tell him You believe he is doing coke even if He denies it. You think he is lying & gaslighting. This is NOT how you plan to live & bring up your daughter, with a loser coke head as a father. Money is being spent & you are Not playing
Tell him to leave. Be strong & decisive. do it today. Tell him to slope off under the rock he crawled out from.

[Simma2]

@findingout88

Is it possible he could be leaving out information to tell me as this couldve hit home and he is going to change but doesn't want to admit to the full truth? Or am I clutching at straws?

He said stuff that went on won't happen again. Have you asked him what 'stuff' went on?

[Oblomov21]

Blimey. I don't recognise a single one of those traits/characteristics. No one I've ever seen, years ago at Uni, EVER portrayed a single one of those. EVER. How odd.

[PersonaNonGarter]

I think you have your answer op

[gutful]

Hey it’s a guess but if he has a separate bank account then you don’t know what he is spending his money on & secretive coke habits + sex workers/edgy behaviour is not a far stretch.

I would though like to say this doesn’t mean he isn’t generally just a social user. Covid has killed nightlife & if having a coke fuelled night was his way of letting off steam, maybe he has been doing it at odd hours now because there are no parties to go to.

Am sure people who would just go to the pub & drink have been more inclined to drink at home since Covid.

A social coke user is going to be hankering for a big night out since covid but that doesn’t necessarily make them addicted on a personal level

Having said that coke is really addictive & he is lying about using it - it’s not as though he has ever actually been honest with the OP & calling her crazy when her tongue is going numb is straight up gaslighting.

So even if he was just a social user he is still lying to the OP because it sounds like she doesn’t want to be with a coke user. That’s her right, he is taking away her ability to make that choice & being deceitful towards her.

Op I think you’re clutching at straws & you should kick him out. Lying over something like this is not a small thing.

He has lied to you & called you crazy. He has shown himself to be completely untrustworthy.

People like this only change When their life crashes down around them & becomes uncomfortable/undesirable.

Basically he needs consequences for actions.

You deserve the full truth & you won’t get it from someone who defaulted to telling you that you were crazy when you sprung them.

[WhoWants2Know]

Licking the bank card is properly grim.

At this stage, does it really matter whether he actually is using drugs? Once you get to the stage where your suspicions are so strong that you start investigating and posting on Mumsnet, the trust is gone.

Whether or not he is using drugs, you don't trust him to avoid them or to be honest with you. So that might suggest that the relationship has run its course either way.

[gutful]

I would actually throw him out & any condition to him returning home is you have full access to the bank accounts

It’s the only way with a cokehead. I know it’s cheaper in your country but still, it’s not just the bag it’s the alcohol/taxis/sex worker/stripper shit that goes hand in hand with the big nights out that is also a financial drain.

Also whoever he associates with likely is a user too - so every time he is with his work mates or friends they will be all on the bags.

You & your kid deserve better - am not saying he will never be better but if you want change you need to show him consequences & make him feel like he has lost everything because of his lies & deceipt.

Don’t allow the relationship to continue without you having access to his finances. If he really wants to not lose you he won’t question that. If he does push back on you having access to his bank account - you have your answer.

[gutful]

@WhoWants2Know get out of town, reckon that was actually quite smart!

I think it’s a bit mean to tell her that was over the top when it actually proved her suspicions right.

She has been made out to be crazy & paranoid - and without proof she may well have been. She did something which proved herself right, which is a good thing. At least she knows she isn’t going crazy like he tried to claim.

I do use the corner of mine to press buttons so would be loathe to have to lick my own card

[findingout88]

@WhoWants2Know
I was literally desperate for an answer, not one of my finest moments but I'm really struggling right now

[findingout88]

@gutful
Thankyou

[findingout88]

I'd just like to say though, that even before covid, he didn't go on any nights out, he hasn't got a massive social life outside of work and home

[Sssloou]

But he does clearly find the time to sniff cocaine at work

Read back what you have just written again and again.

This is a huge concern. Def not a social / party thing. Suspect he is in quite deep.

People aren’t drinking alcohol at work because the pubs are shut.

What kind of work does he do? Despite the legality is he putting himself and others at risk?

Expect him to lose his job.
Expect there to be significant debt if this is a habit / addiction that is part of his daily work day life rather than a once a month social party habit.