Online dating in your 40s.. part 4

[Shayelle2009]

The sagas continue..

Maybe I should have a phone call to get more of an idea

Hey all 👋 bit if a crappy update from me im afraid.. so he brought up the subject of kids earlier... basically he is undecided if he ever wants to be a dad, im almost certain i dont ever want kids. Given this i said perhaps its best if we dont meet at all. He is keen to meet but to me this just feels like a risk and i dont want to waste my time or emotions. I had a feeling this could be an issue at some point.
Friends are telling me to just go meet him but im just not someone who does things where i feel it could likely be a risk to me / waste of my time.....

@pineappleonpizzaornot glad youre feeling better today 😊 xx

I also hope Angel and @Isitreally7777 and @OutingMyself are all ok! x

@bangheadhere40 - Definitely have a phone call, it could make or break how you feel?? Messaging isnt always great, and if you dont like him, you can always make an excuse, you may be pleasantly surprised!

@Shayelle2009 - Oh flippin eck! Thats a tricky one, Ive never been in that situation, so not sure what I would do? Hes not saying he definitely wants them? But, I know what you mean about it being risky? You could always meet up? Are you still messaging?

@ivegotthisyeah - Thank you think Im going to mention about a meet up with him on the phone tonight.

@pineappleonpizzaornot I think you do right - it confirms things as in if you defo click and then it shows your an independent strong woman who won't be messed around 😂. If it's not there when you meet on least you won't of wasted anymore time ! Let us know

Ive kind of stopped messaging @pineappleonpizzaornot as im mulling it over... i just dont want to meet up and us like each other then in a year or however long him say oh i defo want them now - id be too old then anyway (not that i even want them now).... feels risky for me so think ill let it drift... he was like we could meet up as friends ... im not looking for friends though

@Shayelle2009- I completely get you, and if that's the decision you've made re kids, then I understand it can be a HUGE thing to then get involved with someone who does want them, and more often than not someone will definitely get hurt down the road, at least if you nip it in the bud now, then you're saving your own heart I suppose. Hats off to you for knowing what you want and being fair to yourself and to him!
I will let you know @ivegotthisyeah, bit scared, but I'm a big girl, and it's got to happen sometime...I'm not looking for a pen pal after all, and he did say he's excited but nervous to meet me, so I'm hoping he's not looking for a pen pal either

Thanks for understand @pineappleonpizzaornot as always 😊😊 its hard but i think at this age you have to follow the path you actually want and not get diverted... ive waited long enough for the right thing so i can wait longer and be on the same page with someone.
Oh you guys will def meet!! 100%! You wouldnt be having all the good phone chats if that wasnt going to happen 😊😊

Hey @pineappleonpizzaornot and @Shayelle2009. I'm okay, I'm still talking to Computer Geek (I know what people think). He told me last week why he keeps bailing and I get it I really do. He told me he feels guilty as he still has feelings for his ex and he keeps cancelling as he is nervous but realises he needs to move forwards. We also both realise we don't want just sex but it's letting someone into our lives again that will be hard. I did say to him that we could take any expectations out when we do meet and just meet as friends if that is what is holding him back. He is also starting to look at houses to buy so it seems he is starting to move forwards.

I stupidly agreed to meet him yesterday, going against what I had decided about waiting a bit, he confirmed in the morning then cancelled later on using his kids as an excuse (he knows I won't argue with that). He even said to me on Monday that he wants to see me as this has been going on long enough. I did question what had changed in a week and he said he felt ready, he obviously isn't still.

I've had more photos from him so I don't think he is a catfish, the last one was taken after he had just been for a run and then done a HIIT workout so I jokingly asked for a sweaty selfie and got a post shower one instead (it will do) !

I went back on Tinder last night and who pops up but Mr Events under a different name and with two new photos. I matched with him out of curiosity and to see if he remembered me, seems he didn't. The chat felt awkward so I unmatched this morning. I've also hidden my profile again as I'm just not feeling it at the moment.

I dont judge you for still giving computer geek the time of day @Isitreally7777 though i do admire your patience with it!!

Im in two minds whether to still go and have a coffee and walk with mr physical. Hes just really sweet and clearly a nice person. Would i be silly to go and meet him or not?!?

Hope ya’ll have a good day 😊

Thanks @Shayelle2009 not sure why I'm being so patient with him but I do feel there is a real connection there with him, after all despite everything he has come back when he has been on his breaks. I just think I got him at a difficult time in his life.

I would go for coffee what have you got to lose, you never know it might be the start of something nice.

@Isitreally7777 - If Mr Geek is telling you the truth re not being ready, then he really should cut all comminication with you...sorry, thats just what I think, I stupidly put myself on the dating apps when I was in no way ready in any shape or form, and I felt it was cruel of me to be talking to people I really had no intention of meeting because I was still in love with my ex. He really should be doing the same if he isnt over her, and not be dragging you in and out of this mentally draining cycle. I really dont mean to sound harsh, I just understand how he feels, but he should have the decency to go away, sort himself out, then come back when he is more clear headed. I would have hated that someone had got invested in me when I felt so bad a year ago, because there was no way on earth I could have reciprocated those feelings.

@Shayelle2009 - If you are in 2 minds about meeting him....then just MEET!! @Isitreally777 is right, it could be the start of something nice. The conversation of kids hasnt come up with Mr Homeless, I definitely do not want anymore, mine are big enough to look after themselves now, and he hasnt got any, but I dont feel compelled to bring it up, Id rather just carry on as we are just now and not run before I can walk - have a coffee with him, it might be the best thing you have ever done .

Spoke to Mr Homeless last night on the phone again, and I brought up meeting (well, he did actually), its a tough one as neither of knew how the other felt re the lockdown rules, so he said the Saturday after 12th April, he is coming to see me, then 5 minutes after we said lets see how we feel in the next 2 weeks about meeting for a walk before then!

Not sure what to do, as so many people say a walking date is really crap, but I dont want it to fizzle out just chatting on the phone for the next 5 weeks!

@pineappleonpizzaornot yes I agree with you, I didn't put myself on the apps until I was ready and even then I wasn't prepared for the shallowness of it the first time round, being stood up and ghosted hurt like hell. This time round I'm prepared a bit more and more confident in myself and if I don't click with someone it doesn't bother me if they stop messaging, I had one at the start who made up some story about breaking his ribs at work and then just stopped messaging. Computer Geek is a hard one though as he always carries on messaging, he actually replied to my messages this morning apologising and saying I'm stuck in the middle again and it isn't fair on me. I don't understand why he has got me involved in this, maybe he feels comfortable talking to me about it though.

Sounds like it's going well with Mr Homeless, I'd see how it goes you could always meet for a picnic!

My last iron was similar to this computer geek in that everything was oh so complicated with his ex, he was so upset by it all etc. He kept on messaging all the time opening up to me about everything and I was always there to listen.

Until his home life improved slightly and he was more confident then he ditched me for a bit ( whilst trying it on with other women). This must have worked for a bit and then he would always come back.

Honestly that man wasted over a year of my life, in which time I just couldn’t put the emotional energy into getting to know anyone else really as I thought there was something there for him to keep coming back and being so open with me. Then we dated properly briefly then he dropped me again.

I honestly can't describe the turmoil he put me through, he was so persistent though and everything was so bad for him. I just thought why would he bother if he wasn't interested. I would get nothing out of leading someone on like that or talking to someone for the sake of it.

In reality I was just a place holder I think until he got himself sorted. He's the one I just saw back on the apps again.

@Isitreally7777 - I was worried after my last post that you thought I may have come across as harsh, so Im pleased you havent thought that.

I just think Geek cant give you want you want and he knows that, so he should bow out gracefully, and if you are still available when his life is more stable, then take it from there, I would be stamping my foot with him by now and telling him either fix up and look sharp or piss off, you arent an agony aunt. However if you feel strong enough to put up with him and it isnt getting you down, then thats your call......I know its hard as it is soooo damn hard to find anyone to have a conversation and to click with.

I am enjoying Mr Homeless for now, and he is enjoying me, and we are both up for a meet, so its all good!

Hey @bangheadhere40 - How's it going with Spreaders? still talking?

Lol pineapple 🍍...

Yeah spreaders is still talking, he's calmed down a bit though which is good. I've not been well this week though and if I don't get better I might have to cancel Saturday! He's been really sweet checking up on me and listening to me moaning 😄

Glad it's going well with homeless, I think you should meet for a walk in the next couple of weeks if you can.

I also thought a way around not being able to meet in pubs etc might be to meet in a supermarket cafe! I think they are still open 😁 not very romantic but I am a bit nervous about a walk, no toilets etc.

shayelle I think you should definitely go for it and meet yours too 😊

@bangheadhere40 thank you that's interesting and something I do worry about. I worry that he sees me as Miss Right Now and not Miss Right and that when he is ready he will go find someone younger,slimmer and prettier.

@pineappleonpizzaornot it only gets me down when he arranges to meet and then bails and I've told him that hurts. I went for for walk in the woods yesterday and cried (I've got other things going on too so it was probably a mix of everything ). I told him this morning that I think we should hold off meeting for a while unless he wants to meet as friends.

I've got my best friend's wedding to go to next year in Ibiza and I need a plus one by then, he said to me obviously it includes a plus one! I groaned inwardly.😩

Yeah just be careful. I wrongly assumed that once mine got his shit sorted out that I would be the person he wanted, especially as he said that and blamed everything on bad timing etc . How wrong was I! I was just someone to listen to him / free counsellor and then he's in a better place and off chatting up others.

It just made me feel so used and horrible. I wish I had stood up to him earlier and told him so, but how he used to talk and get so much sympathy from me made me think it was 'real'. I've never felt like that with anyone, and I honestly think it was such a sick game to him 😔 i feel sorry for whoever he gets entangled with now.

Just protect yourself @Isitreally7777 - and I'm always for Ibiza

Pleased Spreaders has calmed down @bangheadhere40, sorry you arent well . I think 5 weeks is a long time to carry on chatting to Homeless without meeting, but I am busy this weekend, and the weekend after its Mothers Day and my Mums birthday on the Saturday! So I am pretty packed up until 3 weeks time anyway!
He has told me "he isnt in this to mess me about", so Im not going to panic about not meeting just yet, it will all come good if its meant to be

up* for Ibiza

Haha @pineappleonpizzaornot I think I have a list of people willing to be my plus one. I thought about asking my gym instructor (now he is a friend as well as my gym instructor) if my hunt for a plus one fails.

Hahah @Isitreally7777 - I will take that as a no then . Is Mr Gym a potential iron??

I wish he was (I did ask him out last year) but he is happily single, I have to make do with friendship. But he would look good in the photos and on a sun lounger and likes the same music as me.