Feeling a bit caught between DP and my DMum- new baby on the way

[LittleRa]

I’m 37 weeks pregnant with my second baby, however it is my DP’s first (my nearly 7yo DD is from a previous relationship).
Obviously we’re all very excited

Last night DP and I got talking about birth choices and preferences etc, and the conversation also led on to preferences for after the birth, with a newborn baby.

Now, my DMum can be a little bit.... overbearing. We have had some tense moments over the years, but nothing major, no big fall outs, more just frustrations. I think she is kind of a snob and sometimes says things without thinking, she also has ridiculously high standards that she holds me and my sister to. However, I know that this is because she wants the best for us. I think she sometimes forgets we’re grown ups now She also does absolutely loads for me and for DD- she picks my DD up from school two days a week and while she’s at my house she does laundry, cleans the bathroom etc. She’s bought loads of things for the new baby (probably unnecessarily so...) and has washed all the new baby clothes. She sends my DD little presents in the post (during lockdown). She’s very generous and kind.

However, I completely understand this feeling that she gives my DP, that he voiced last night, that she is judgemental or that things one does aren’t good enough for her. Obviously she makes me feel like that- she’s my Mum!! But I’m sad to hear she makes him feel like that too. I’ve told him she doesn’t mean it and it’s just her way, she probably goes home and kicks herself about things she’s said.

An example is that when she was at my house looking after DD, a slightly batty neighbour caught her in the street and said “You have to tell your son in law not to park his car there, as it makes it tricky for me to get my bins through on bin day”. When my DP got home from work, DM passed this “message” on from neighbour, saying things like “it’s important to get along with your neighbours” and suggesting alternative places to park along the street. This got his back up a bit as he didn’t want to be dictated to about where to park, by either the neighbour or DM. Later that night DM texted saying she was sorry she’d got involved, she shouldn’t have said anything etc.

Now, DP is very laid back, and is extremely supportive of me. He’s happy to support my choices in birth, parenting, with the baby etc. However, what was coming out of the conversation last night was that his preference would be to not have DM round on the first few days, maybe first week after the baby is born. I had assumed we would form an under 1s bubble (we already have a childcare bubble for DD but this allows her to look after DD, not to be in the house with me socialising). She’s my DM and I feel like after the birth she will be able to be such a big help- like I said, she does several loads of laundry each time she’s here, changes my DD’s bed sheets, does dishes, she’ll cook if we’re going to be late home from work. Also because she’s my Mum, I’ll feel she can support with more intimate care like if I’m getting breastfeeding established, if I’ve got stitches and am bleeding etc.

DP says he really does appreciate all the things she does for us, but as a first time parent to a newborn (DD was 3 when we met) he wants time to be able to establish confidence without feeling like he’s being judged for “doing it wrong” or that any unthinking comments will be made that make him feel inadequate or awkward. He feels that after the first little bit once we’re a bit more established in our roles as new parents to a newborn would be the time to introduce other people to the situation.

We’ve been doing NCT and some of the other couples have spoken about how Covid restrictions and lockdown have meant that they’ve decided to say no visitors at all (eg if they both have sets of divorced parents to choose from, easier to just say no one). I definitely feel that having the restrictions as an excuse to not have streams of visitors coming in and out (which I do remember having when DD was newborn) is a good thing! But I feel just DM is different. But I do understand what DP is saying and would like to be in our own little world for a while too!

I have said to him that if DM doesn’t come to help, then I will need him to step up with the household jobs that she does. Which he’s said he of course would.

Just some other info-
-DM was also her same overbearing self when DD was born but she was still working full time then whereas she has since retired so has a lot more time to dedicate to family. She lives about 45 mins away, so not on the doorstep.
-DP will have 2 weeks paternity leave, and then be back to work, so I suppose that will be the time I really need DM to come during the day and help.

I’m not sure whether I should say to DP- suck it up, I need my DM to help too and if she makes any comments just let them go over your head, she means well and I trust you and know you will be an amazing dad. Or say to DM- when we come out of hospital we want a few days/week where you don’t come round while we find our feet. I know she would be sad about that. Also, she will be looking after DD when we’re in hospital.
Am I overthinking, shall I play it by ear and see how it goes a bit more, or do I need to manage expectations beforehand. I was wondering about saying something to DM like DP is feeling nervous about becoming a new Dad and so to be mindful of being positive and supportive etc and that we’ll need time. I have actually joked to DP to give it a few days and he’ll be ringing her up begging her to come and help out

I’d listen to your dp. I’m also sure that in the moment she’s saying it she does mean it. People don’t say it for the fun of it sounds like she has foot in mouth if she says sorry after. Although she should be saying sorry to him not you.

It’s honestly really easy to stay away for 2 weeks right now. You will of been in a hospital you will of been at a rather high risk of catching covid thus the four of you isolate as a family for 14 days.

I’m going to guess your dp doesn’t spend much time with your mum because these little opps sorry didn’t mean it like that or to make you feel bad comments happen far to often and you are just used to it.

I’m also shocked that at your ages your parents do your washing and cut the lawn. I’m younger than you with more children and my mum would be wtf if I expected dad to cut my lawn or her to wash my clothes. I also don’t like mil washing my clothes which has only happen on very rare occasions like the washer being broken. Feels like an invasion of privacy.

Your DP has a wife problem. However I don’t blame you for having such a lovely relationship with your mum. Why not!! I wish my mum had been alive to help with my children. Your mum sounds lovely.

To be honest you ll get to day four and your partner will be screaming out for your mum to help

I couldn't imagine not having my mum there for the first few days, she was there when I came home from hospital the day after giving birth.

Maybe draw her up a list of practical things she could help with in the days after the birth like cooking you some food or taking your eldest to the park but stipulating that's all you need etc

It's a tricky one

Or your DP might take to parenting like a duck to water, in a relaxed, comfortable and encouraging atmosphere.

@swinglowsweetchariot12

To be honest you ll get to day four and your partner will be screaming out for your mum to help

I couldn't imagine not having my mum there for the first few days, she was there when I came home from hospital the day after giving birth.

Maybe draw her up a list of practical things she could help with in the days after the birth like cooking you some food or taking your eldest to the park but stipulating that's all you need etc

It's a tricky one

I did think that (and joked about it up thread). Although some of the responses here have made me rethink that view. But I don’t want to cut off our noses to spite our faces and tell her not to come for 2 weeks, have her take umbrage then find that we could’ve done with a hand.

@Justmuddlingalong

Or your DP might take to parenting like a duck to water, in a relaxed, comfortable and encouraging atmosphere.

I think he will, he’s great with my DD, however she’s 6 and a lot more independent than a baby/toddler.

I honestly can't imagine two adults thinking they might not cope with a 6 year old and a newborn without help.

@Justmuddlingalong

I honestly can't imagine two adults thinking they might not cope with a 6 year old and a newborn without help.

I’ve said a couple of times that I don’t think we won’t be able to cope, just that it’s nice to have a bit of extra help.

No op you think it will be nice to have extra hands. Your dp thinks he will be being judged and commented on his lack of whatever by his judgy mil who can’t keep her mouth closed. Big difference.

@Alwaysandforeverhere

No op you think it will be nice to have extra hands. Your dp thinks he will be being judged and commented on his lack of whatever by his judgy mil who can’t keep her mouth closed. Big difference.

Yes, I realise that.

You make it sound as if your DP has no voice. That's quite sad.

If your Mum says anything to him you want to be the one to 'gently' reproach her?

Your Mum cleans for you and does childcare. I suppose this is why you can't pull her up on her disrespect towards your partner - you think 'oh but she does so much for me' or 'if I say X she might stop doing Y'

You need to own it. You keep explaining and rewording but it comes down to the same thing.

You and DP are a team. Your Mum can be involved but needs to step aside in some instances. & Just maybe, she'll have to be around less to do your chores.

The apron strings need to be loosened

Really OP, you shouldn't be having any doubts right now, as to what is the right think to do. The only thing that's stopping you is that your mum might take the hump. And that in itself is an indicator of what your DH has to deal with.

She doesn't have to be kept away completely for a fortnight. Both grandparents should get meet the baby sessions. But as guests to your house for half an hour, not domesticity invaders.

My mum lives in another country so I guess I didn't have much of a choice - but I would have gone mad having her over frequently. She came to visit when the kids were born - but definitely as a visitor, not staying with us or doing things for us.

Your partner is imaginative and insightful enough to have thought about how he'd like to spend the first few days or weeks learning about and getting used to his new baby. That's brilliant. Seems he really wants to get stuck in.

Remember that you are already an "old hand" at this - you're more experienced than your dp. So if your mum is there too, he'll have two far more experienced women expertly baby-grappling and twirling bottles like cocktail shakers, while he's still hesitantly wondering how to hold a slippery, floppy baby in the bath with one hand while getting the towel with the other.

Do you remember those early days when you had to work out the basics? Did your ex-MIL come to stay back then when your daughter was a newborn?

what am I going to do when I get home, ok DM drop DD off at the door and away you go, we’ll see you in 2 weeks
You'd do what most couples would do - thank her for her help, let her meet the baby, have a cup of tea and ab iscuit, then wave goodbye, as you'll already have discussed how you want to have a few days getting to know the baby before you have any long visits.

But from your deliberate exaggeration, it seems to me that you're already pretty determined to have her there against your dp's wiahes? If so, perhaps it's more of a damage limitation strategy you need advice on?

I think you need to look at it this way. Your dp is asking for only ONE week to establish a bond with his first born without an overbearing person around. One comment or upset could possibly erase this and he will hold YOU accountable for that for a very long time. You really do not want to live with building resentment - it will destroy your relationships.
please read the many threads here of how women are in therapy/ living with such resentment towards their partners who took away their experience just after the birth.
In the bigger picture, your dp wishes trump your dm. For the sake of one week I think its a small ask.

Just to note for those coming on now and saying I’m prioritising my Mum etc, please do have a read through the thread as I’ve said a number of times I am going to respect my DP’s wishes and speak to her.

What do you want to achieve from having such a conversation with your mother?. Do you think she is going to listen to what you have to say or will she moan and make out to you that she is unwanted?. Go into this with clear intentions beforehand and if she does not like what you state that is on her rather than you. In any case your DP and you need to present a united front re your mother. You in particular need firm and consistently applied boundaries re your mother.

@swinglowsweetchariot12

To be honest you ll get to day four and your partner will be screaming out for your mum to help

I couldn't imagine not having my mum there for the first few days, she was there when I came home from hospital the day after giving birth.

Maybe draw her up a list of practical things she could help with in the days after the birth like cooking you some food or taking your eldest to the park but stipulating that's all you need etc

It's a tricky one

Screaming out for your mum to help? Seriously? Talk about overly dramatic. My husband was back at work after three days with both of mine and nobody else there and even I (as one person) managed fine, let alone two adults and an older child at a pretty independent stage. These sort of emeshed interdependent relationships between adult women and their mums are a choice, plenty of us manage just fine without them and by the way also have great relationships with said mums. What worked well in the dynsmic of her first child will not work this time because there is another adult involved now, the babies father, who wants something different and is sensible to articulate his views rather than seething about it afterwards

I'm glad you're going to talk to your Mum OP. When you do, please don't make it sound like the objections are from your DP. It's really crucial that you 2 are a united front as a couple.

You don't need to set timeframes now, just agree your childcare for DD and explain that in the early days you would like some time as a nuclear family and you'll let families know when you're happy with visitors.

You know what you said about the baby grenade going off. The reality being so different from your imaginings. That's the first step in parenting.

Don't steal it from him.

Tell your mum you will let her know but you really want to spend time as the four of you, the new nuclear family.

Tell her you'd prefer her to hold off a bit until his paternity leave us over, covid and all that! That you will need her most then.

And then change your focus to your new 4-by family.

Cos it sounds a little bit like you let your mum in a bit too much, ok, quite a lot too much, and your DP is trying to tell you it is affecting how he feels he can behave in his own home with his own family.

It doesn't have to be either /or, but you might have to make a mental adjustment before it becomes even more of an issue.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

You know what you said about the baby grenade going off. The reality being so different from your imaginings. That's the first step in parenting.

Don't steal it from him.

Tell your mum you will let her know but you really want to spend time as the four of you, the new nuclear family.

Tell her you'd prefer her to hold off a bit until his paternity leave us over, covid and all that! That you will need her most then.

And then change your focus to your new 4-by family.

Cos it sounds a little bit like you let your mum in a bit too much, ok, quite a lot too much, and your DP is trying to tell you it is affecting how he feels he can behave in his own home with his own family.

It doesn't have to be either /or, but you might have to make a mental adjustment before it becomes even more of an issue.

It not my first baby. I already have a daughter, and it did feel to me like a grenade had gone off in my life. I hope you can understand that different mothers have different experiences.

It not my first baby. I already have a daughter, and it did feel to me like a grenade had gone off in my life. I hope you can understand that different mothers have different experiences
That comment wasn't about you and your first baby, OP.

@ravenmum

It not my first baby. I already have a daughter, and it did feel to me like a grenade had gone off in my life. I hope you can understand that different mothers have different experiences That comment wasn't about you and your first baby, OP.

Sorry, I think I might have misunderstood- I took the comment to mean “you said that having a baby is like a grenade going off, but the reality is so different from your imaginings” i.e. that it isn’t like a grenade going off.

Yes, I didn't get the reference straight away either, but Samphire was talking about you letting your dp enjoy the full "grenade" experience :)

@YoniAndGuy

I suppose maybe I feel a bit guilty since DM does so much so help, telling her not to come- e.g. she’s looking after DD while we’re in hospital having the baby, it could be days (I was in 3 days when I had DD), what am I going to do when I get home, ok DM drop DD off at the door and away you go, we’ll see you in 2 weeks.

Maybe it would be useful in that it would make her realise that her comments have an effect, and help draw some new boundaries where she starts to respect that she's in someone else's home - not an extension of the situation when you were her child and she could bustle around 'being mum' and in charge.

This. 100% this

I agree that I think it's important for him to do all the helping rather than your mum. She might be better/more experienced but he is the father, and I think insisting on your mum being there when he has said he would like to do it, is implying that you think he won't cope. If i were in his shoes i'd find that a bit upsetting.