Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

@Carreterra thanks for checking in . I'm feeling ok, I'm just keeping busy and trying to move forward. There isn't anything else for it really. As for my friends, well, I've learned a harsh lesson that I don't really have anyone other than myself and that I can't rely on, or trust anyone. Which is fine, so I'm continuing to go it alone. I suppose that way, nobody can let me down or hurt me! How are you doing?

@Herewegoagain22
It's a sad fact of life that sometimes, the only person you can rely on is yourself. You can emerge from this experience as a more resilient, wiser person than before. I'm coping thankyou, but annoyingly, I am still in touch with my former partner, he has health worries and I can't help feeling sorry for him, despite what he has put me through. He can text or ring me several times a day, but I reply to just one text or answer one phone call, and keep my responses quite business like, as a way of coping. I am concerned as he was very tearful just before the house was sold, he even asked me to pull out of the sale 3 weeks before, when he pushed for the sale. I could have dug my heels in and waited for a court order to force me to sell, but I knew that would backfire on me, as it would have prolonged the agony, so I went along with it.

I completely agree with everything you said. I really feel like a different person from just a few months ago. It sounds like you are really putting yourself first, which is so important. It is really easy to fall back into the trap of how things used to be, and in our hearts we know it's not what is for the best. Do you need to keep in touch with your ex now the house has been sold?

I'm feeling quite sad and lonely tonight
Meant to be having a get together with the neighbours who I don't know so it was an opportunity to meet new people and was the first social thing since lockdown was lifted but the weather has cancelled it
It's my child free weekend and I'm spending it in the house on my own

@Herewegoagain22
Hello OP, no it's not really necessary to keep in touch but I'm curious as to how he will cope, he admits he's been a fool, but if things were going his way, he wouldn't want to keep in touch, I'm certain of this. He had the upper hand in the relationship, and he took full advantage of it. When we were together, I sometimes wondered what it would be like if it was me who held all the cards, I certainly would not have treated him in the way he treated me. He was oh so charming when things were looking rosy for him, and took it out on me emotionally when he was down. I can not continue like this for much longer, even being civil to him is an effort. Best wishes everyone, and @ fedup078 watch everything you want to watch this weekend, and maybe go for a short run to release endorphins (it works for me !)

@fedup078 sorry you’re feeling lovely. I think it’s the worst part.

I had family to stay this week which was lovely but now they’re gone everything seems so empty. I like being around people and just don’t function properly alone. It’s something I need to work on. I’ve been looking into new hobbies to see if I can make some new friends as I don’t have anyone local. I’m quite shy around new people so it’s all a bit scary, need to bite the bullet and get on with it though as I can’t have another Friday night eating all the junk food in the house and doing nothing.

@Carreterra do what’s right for you and drop contact if that’s what it is. I should probably drop contact with my ex as I still love him and I don’t know how to get over it (which is stupid as I remind myself of what he did and I know I’m crazy to still wish we’d made it work). I’d like to start running again but there’s so many things in my life (running included) where I was compared negatively to OW and was made to feel not good enough. I’m trying to avoid the things that remind me of being not good enough but it’s a long list.

How is everyone recently, haven't been on in a while

He rang me this afternoon wanting to try again
He was trying to guilt trip me by saying it will mess ds up and that I gave up too easy
I don't think 7 years of putting up with his ridiculous drinking habit was giving up too easily
Most people would have chucked him in the first few weeks

@fedup078 it doesn’t sound like you did to me. Has he made any effort to change or is he just expecting you to take him back and accept his behaviour?

I’m so confused today. For some reason I’ve been bothered about the idea that ex is back in contact with OW (even though I have no evidence to suggest he is). I don’t know why it bothers me so much even if he is as there’s no way I think I could ever trust him enough to take him back (and he doesn’t want to come back), but it’s been making me feel all anxious. Any suggestions for getting past this feeling? He left so he has the freedom to do what he wants and I want to not care any more.

@SorryAboutTheTypos he reckons he is working on it himself but I think until he properly acknowledges he has a problem and seeks outside help he will never change

I guess I can join this club now. I’ve read this whole thread and you are some strong people. Love to everyone.

I was the one who asked for a divorce about a month ago. I did a thread on it and some of the responses I got really helped me get there. I was in a really dead end situation with no physical contact, cohabitation, sex, or emotional closeness. Ex husband disagrees and thought our relationship was perfect (I know). Realising slowly how messed up our relationship was and my faults and his, too. I am extremely blessed with a lot of support from friends and family and my best friend even moved in for a bit.

Worst thing for me is the no contact. He doesn’t want to talk to me which is fair, he’s hurt. I thought he’d be more easy going and understanding considering the state of our marriage. I struggle knowing he’s upset and alone. But I realise I will not do him any favours by contacting him.

Hugs to all of you. X

@SorryAboutTheTypos I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I know it all too well. I think it's important to not get frustrated at yourself because it's natural to feel uneasy when it comes to thoughts of exes with OW, especially when you still care deeply for them, no matter how much they hurt you. It's the attachment to them that causes the anxiousness. You probably need some space and time to really process things. You'll be all over the place thinking about how badly they treated you one minute, to missing them the next. It's all part of the horrible heartbreak journey. But I promise things will become clearer in time. I am an advocate of NC (if circumstances allow). It's really shit not speaking to them but in the long run, it is for the best if you want to move on. I hope you feel better x

@minniemouseshouses you read the full thread? Wow, that must have taken you a lot of time haha!! Well done you...you deserve a glass of wine .

I'm glad you have lots of support, it is really important. When you're fully immersed in a relationship it's not until you take a step out of it that you truly see things for how they were, and then you wonder how you were so blind to it all. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and I hope you start to see the benefits of it all soon x

@wow1111 how are you doing? How have things been progressing for you?

@Herewegoagain22 I can’t bear to go NC. We have children so speak regularly about them, but on top of that I still feel the need to make sure he’s OK. He doesn’t really have anyone else (assuming no contact with OW). Our relationship broke down because he felt I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. I vowed in the year I spent trying to fix our marriage that I would always be there for him no matter what and I can’t seem to let go of that. I hate to think of him feeling alone.

I also think there’s a bit of me that needs him to realise that he was wrong to think I wasn’t there, that he was wrong to have an affair, that he regrets what he did and losing our relationship. It’s stupid really as none of that is going to happen, it’s just hard to believe I’m worth anything after what he did to me. I think I’m trying to prove I am, that if he realises he made a mistake it’ll make me feel a better about myself. It won’t help though as I can’t take him back even if he wanted it. He lied too much for that. Aaaargh I wish I didn’t still love him. I don’t know why I do. He has such a lovely smile.

@Herewegoagain22 I’ve been giving it all a bit more thought as to why I’m so bothered and I think it comes down to the fact that it’s all very sad. One of two things have happened, either they’re in contact so he’s lying to me (despite knowing there’s no need to as I’ve been very calm and understanding), or they’ve had no contact (and she will have figured out he left), in which case he was completely in love with someone to the point of destroying our marriage as he couldn’t get over her and she’s not checked on him despite knowing he must be lonely and sad. Both of those seem really awful, I’m not even sure which one I want to be true.

@SorryAboutTheTypos it's tough situation you are in. The over analysing can be really exhausting but sometimes you need to set things straight in your head, and as women, we are all guilty of analysing to the nth degree. Regardless of how you decide to approach the situation, I'm sure you will do what is best for you.

Hi all, I'm firmly part of the break up club and have been for 12 weeks now. I was with my stbxh for 13 years, married for nearly 10, A LOT of red flags along the way but god I loved him so much that I just buried my head in the sand.
He has previous for messaging other women, and I'm 99% sure he's slept with at least 1 of them, and like an idiot I ignored it and had 2 children with him....! They're the best thing to come out of this whole mess.
About 18 months ago he checked out of the relationship, I can see that now. What followed was him increasingly picking fights, exploding over the slightest thing then refusing to talk about it, and just an overall horrible feeling around the house. The girls and I were walking on eggshells, we never had a clue how he'd be. He eventually called it quits in March 2020, only to change his mind 4 hours later..... We limped on for another year, but by Feb 2021 we were done, he picked another BIG fight only this time I told him to go.
Since then we've had another full lockdown where we live, and he left me to completely look after the girls myself (while working full time and trying to deal with the fallout of the split). He won't even set foot back in the house now lockdown is over.
I know it's for the best, he keeps saying he misses me as a friend and wants to meet up f2f to 'clear the air' but honestly I hate him right now.
I'm just so sad.
Hugs to everyone else going through this!

Hi Everyone, what a bittersweet thread to find. I've just broken up with my partner of 2 years. I had been single for 10 years prior after an abusive relationship and this new man brought me back to life. He was kind, funny, thoughtful and made me feel safe again. I enjoyed life again and flourished with him in my life.
But he wanted out, he couldn't see it going anywhere. I'm kidding myself that we both want different things but it's just him not wanting to be with me. He ended it very gently and respectfully but I'm still shell shocked and absolutely heart broken. I guess I got a lot more out of our relationship than he did, I just wish I could have made him as happy as he made me.
I wish the tears would stop, now at the 72 hour mark.

@ButterscotchMafia @Scabber welcome to the club. Sorry you’re had to join, but welcome anyway.

@Scabber the crying stage is awful but it will pass. It’s important you take some
Time to get over the relationship you thought you were going to have and so allow yourself to cry and get it all out. We’re here if you need a random rant about it all.

For the first time since he left I’ve started to feel like I’m getting on top of everything. I’ve booked myself into a new fitness class where hopefully I’ll meet some new people and I’ve started an online course in the hope of getting myself a new job. Here’s to a better future for us all.

Can I join? I've been watching this thread from afar and have to say, it's helped me so much. You ladies are all so strong.

I'm on day 13 into a separation from DH. 3 years married, 5 together. He was unreliable, non-communicative, lied about taking drugs and debts. Always put work before us. He contradicted anything I said in front of others - even when I stated facts (I was testing the theory once to see if I was imagining it - I wasn't). He stopped saying he loved me without me saying it first & getting him to even take a walk with me during lockdown was a battle. For the last 2.5 years I'd fret and beat myself up myself whenever he exploded and stonewalled me for hours or the whole day. I tried so hard to work things out & approach problems differently so he would get angry but he wouldn't work with me. 'Talking does nothing' he'd say as he lied about something else.

This thread has made me realise I wasn't going mad or BU. xx

It is so hard isn’t it, I hate it. I had my first ‘bumping into the ex in the real world’ experience yesterday, which has shook me up more than I’d like to admit. We have kids so we have seen each other plenty of times before this, but it’s always been as he’s collecting/dropping the girls back, so I knew exactly where and when to expect him. This was in a supermarket of all places, locked eyes in the crowd and...... totally blanked each other. Like we didn’t even know each other, certainly like we haven’t been married since 2011...

Afterwards I sat at home sobbing, divorce is brutal isn’t it?! 😢

I know it’s right, I know I wouldn’t take him back even if he asked, and someday we might even manage to be mates. But right now it’s not possible, and I hate going through all this.