Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

718 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 13/02/2021 15:00

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

OP posts:
moochooser · 10/05/2021 19:11

Some of your stories on this thread are actually heartbreaking and I'm in awe of your strength. Right now I feel so weak and broken and my relationship was very short lived compared to most of the ones here. I feel a bit silly for being here, but I can't describe the pain in my chest. It won't go away, and there's a lump in my throat, always tears on my cheeks and I just feel like I'm dying.

Onwardspls · 10/05/2021 19:15

@moochooser

Some of your stories on this thread are actually heartbreaking and I'm in awe of your strength. Right now I feel so weak and broken and my relationship was very short lived compared to most of the ones here. I feel a bit silly for being here, but I can't describe the pain in my chest. It won't go away, and there's a lump in my throat, always tears on my cheeks and I just feel like I'm dying.
Occasionally I have flashbacks to good and even bad moments our relationships and my heart physically hurts.

You’re not alone.

I had very serious PMT yesterday and in this (final) break up I haven’t cried once. I ended up watching The Dog House on C4 and cried for 3 hours solidly. Therapeutic! If I have to cry him out of my system I will do what it takes!

moochooser · 10/05/2021 19:19

I've been trying not to let my emotions out, but I can't stop them. I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough break up, but you sound so determined. I wish I could find my own inner strength and determination. I haven't slept properly in days or eaten more than a slice of toast. I'm trying to go NC but it's so hard. He keeps finding a way to get through to me and try to get me to change my mind. I want to, so badly, but I can't. I can't keep dying a little bit every day, it's time to rip the plaster off and get it over with. I just wish I wasn't wavering so much.

Onwardspls · 10/05/2021 19:30

@moochooser

I've been trying not to let my emotions out, but I can't stop them. I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough break up, but you sound so determined. I wish I could find my own inner strength and determination. I haven't slept properly in days or eaten more than a slice of toast. I'm trying to go NC but it's so hard. He keeps finding a way to get through to me and try to get me to change my mind. I want to, so badly, but I can't. I can't keep dying a little bit every day, it's time to rip the plaster off and get it over with. I just wish I wasn't wavering so much.
To be honest I’m taking Nytol to help me get to sleep or my mind just whirls around too much. I’ve been eating small bits of food like grapes, cubes of cheese & toast just whenever I can stomach it. I can’t face meals.

I’m very determined to move forward but no idea how! One hour I feel so angry with him and the next I long for him to contact me so I understand the wavering! You’re doing really well. If blocking or just telling him you need a month of NC then give it a try. You are the priority and if he really gave a toss he would follow your wishes.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 10/05/2021 20:10

@moochooser I'm sorry you're having to join us on this thread. NC is important in the healing process, if you can, it might be best to block his number and take him off any social media. It doesn't matter the length of the relationship, you can be more invested in something that lasted 9 months than something of 5 years - so don't ever feel silly. Let out your emotions, talk it over with friends, and write out all the reasons why you are better off not being together and keep it in your phone when you are having weak moments (it can give you a bit of perspective). It truly is an emotional rollercoaster.

I have decided to see a counsellor next Tuesday. My friends are not interested anymore, it's been three months so they expect me to be over it. In all fairness they never bothered at the time and I feel very let down by that. I need to talk to someone and get some support because it has started to consume me again. I feel like I am never going to get over this.

OP posts:
moochooser · 10/05/2021 20:42

[quote Herewegoagain22]@moochooser I'm sorry you're having to join us on this thread. NC is important in the healing process, if you can, it might be best to block his number and take him off any social media. It doesn't matter the length of the relationship, you can be more invested in something that lasted 9 months than something of 5 years - so don't ever feel silly. Let out your emotions, talk it over with friends, and write out all the reasons why you are better off not being together and keep it in your phone when you are having weak moments (it can give you a bit of perspective). It truly is an emotional rollercoaster.

I have decided to see a counsellor next Tuesday. My friends are not interested anymore, it's been three months so they expect me to be over it. In all fairness they never bothered at the time and I feel very let down by that. I need to talk to someone and get some support because it has started to consume me again. I feel like I am never going to get over this. [/quote]
Thank you so much, it feels good to have the support of you all on this thread. We really are going through this together I feel, and it helps to know that. You are doing so brilliantly and have come so far, I think you're amazing.

NC is killing me, but mumsnet tells me it's the only way to start to get over this man. I just feel at the moment that I'm deliberately throwing away someone I'm in love with, but this is all peppered with the realisation that I'm doing the right thing because he's too domineering and will crush me if I carry on with him.

Onwardspls · 12/05/2021 19:19

How are you all doing this week?

I’ve had (small) chunks of time that I’ve thought about something other than him & the situation. Feels like a big step forward.

fedup078 · 12/05/2021 19:21

We had a falling out today
Seems he wants more money than we first agreed
He was already getting the full equity of the house . Seems he wants more . He can jog on
This lead to me telling him he can shove his 6 month trial separation (id already decided this but hadn't told him yet)
He said if we divorce he can't wait the 2 year but that he also won't accept the reasons we are actually divorcing so I'll have to think of another reason

SorryAboutTheTypos · 13/05/2021 19:05

I’ve been up and down this week. I’m not missing him as much as I thought I would, although I still message him quite a lot and have seen him a couple of times. I missed my kids terribly when they were with him. I can’t remember the last time I was away from them for two nights.

I finding myself getting more and more angry with ex for the situation he’s left me in and how he treated me when we were together. I can’t match the person he was then to how nice he’s being now (actually he was nice then but it was all cruel lies). I still can’t really believe he did what he did to me.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/05/2021 20:52

@SorryAboutTheTypos it's an emotional rollercoaster. Even now it takes me by surprise at how your emotions evolve and change from one day to the next. Not having the kids will be strange, but you should try and use that time specifically for you.

Do you have much planned for the weekend? I was an emotional wreck beginning of this week, then boom, my period arrived and that explained everything Grin

OP posts:
fedup078 · 13/05/2021 21:09

@SorryAboutTheTypos
Same here
I keep telling him this isn't what I want but I couldn't tolerate his ridiculous behaviour anymore

SorryAboutTheTypos · 13/05/2021 22:32

@Herewegoagain22 my emotions are all over the place when my period is due and also the day ovulate. It can be horrible but at least I know why it is and that it’ll calm down soon.

I have family visiting as soon as they’re allowed next week which will be lovely. I haven’t seen them since last summer.

Boymum99 · 15/05/2021 07:56

I hope everyone is doing ok. My ex wanted to come over and talk yesterday but I was clear they were no going back. He sent me a really nasty message saying it was obvious I had made this decision months ago and now he is having to rebuild his life as a result. I can honestly say I have been unhappy for years but I only made the decision last week after a 4th weekend of fighting. My ex is not a bad person but we just don’t get on and bring out the worst in each other. I was really hoping one day we could be friends but it feels like that will never happen.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 15/05/2021 08:35

@Boymum99 well done for being so strong in your decision. It can be really hard when we're faced with our ex abs having to talk about the future. When you know you've been unhappy it is often hard to get the head and the heart to marrying up, but it sounds like you have done the right thing, and now you can focus on you and what you need/want to make you happy!

OP posts:
Boymum99 · 15/05/2021 08:50

Thanks @Herewegoagain22. I have been so unhappy for such a long time but being honest I feel so scared and lonely right now.

fedup078 · 15/05/2021 09:00

Those who are married, are you waiting the 2 years or are you divorcing on unreasonable behaviour?
My ex says he won't accept it if I divorce him for the actual reasons and if I'm honest I don't really want them down on any official documents either

SorryAboutTheTypos · 15/05/2021 11:25

@fedup078 aren’t quicker no fault divorces supposed to be coming in later this year? I’m hoping to use one of those. I also don’t want to list what he did on the papers.

If not I’ll probably wait the two years, unless he takes back up with OW in which case I’ll list it all out and get divorced as fast as I can as I want no connection to him if he’s with her.

BelladiMamma · 15/05/2021 11:41

@fedup078

Those who are married, are you waiting the 2 years or are you divorcing on unreasonable behaviour? My ex says he won't accept it if I divorce him for the actual reasons and if I'm honest I don't really want them down on any official documents either
I found a compromise was to let him write the reasons and then copied and pasted them into the petition.

The reasons make zero difference to the courts, if that helps

SorryAboutTheTypos · 17/05/2021 20:24

Couldn’t sleep last night processing what he actually did to me. I really struggle to reconcile the person he seems to be with what I know he did. Does anyone else struggle to believe how badly the person they thought loved them betrayed them?

fedup078 · 17/05/2021 20:27

@SorryAboutTheTypos I been battling with the fact that I have to take some responsibility for all this
That I brought a child into it
It is partly my fault

SorryAboutTheTypos · 18/05/2021 09:03

@fedup078 I’ve just been reading back through your old posts and I’m struggling to see how this is your responsibility. He sounds awful from what you’ve said.

That said, I still feel responsible for the breakdown of my marriage and the fact my children no longer have parents who are together. After the children were born we, as a family, made some life choices that over time had a detrimental effect on my mental health to the point where I was depressed (but didn’t realise so didn’t get treatment). I neglected my husband emotionally during that time (several years) so he sought love elsewhere (I’m not angry with him for that, just the way he chose to behave once it had happened). I always think if I’d realised sooner that I wasn’t well and got help then this wouldn’t have happened and we’d all still be happy.

The way I try and look at it is that I made mistakes, but I’ve done everything I can to learn from those mistakes so I don’t make them again. I can’t imagine ever being in a relationship again, but if I ever am I know I wouldn’t act how I did before and hopefully I’m a better person for it.

Learn from what happened, think about why you blame yourself and then commit to doing your best not to repeat it (no guarantees, none of us are perfect, but as long as you’re trying 😊). Then every time you blame yourself remind yourself that you can’t change the past but you know you’re doing your best for a better future.

fedup078 · 18/05/2021 09:07

I blame myself because he always had a drink problem so it's not like it started suddenly . I should have known he wouldn't change but I just kept digging myself into a deeper hole
And to make it worse it's not like he is the 'one' and I was madly in love
He caught me on a bad rebound and I just went through the motions
I don't regret having ds . If it wasn't for him I would have just kept putting up with it because I feel I can't do any better and don't deserve to be happy etc but I know he does

SorryAboutTheTypos · 18/05/2021 10:45

@fedup078 there’s nothing wrong with believing the best of someone. I’m sure most of us on here are here because we did and we were let down. You’re definitely not alone in that and like you said, if you hadn’t you wouldn’t have your child so good things came out if it too.

shemesheli · 20/05/2021 06:14

Feel that I may be part of this break up group.

Having met up, had a lovely 20th date he told me something needs to change, we should set out our values and goals to see if we are on the same page..... If so we can move forward. Sounded positive! Then he starts declaring maybe I should be alone, one moment I want it then I think I should be alone after two failed relationships in life .... blah blah.
Communicated thereafter, heartfelt, I said maybe I should let go of hes not really available emotionally, he declares he must find strength, to banter and then ....... a few days with not corresponding.

I’m finding it hard I really found a type of soul mate yet he feels far too commitment phobic.

I was only wanting to continue dating to get to know him but it seems he was swaying between a full blown relationship or nothing.

We are both a few years post divorce. I’m trying not to contact him as don’t want to push something that’s not wanted .... or is it! Such a shame we had potential. Trying to just let it be....... ;-((((

Carreterra · 20/05/2021 23:18

@Herewegoagain22
I just read your update from 10th May, are you feeling any better? I'm so sorry your friends have lost interest. I bet you've been there for them when they went through similar. Sending best wishes, we will all get through this Brew