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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

718 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 13/02/2021 15:00

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

OP posts:
Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 08/04/2021 19:51

@fedup078 I’m glad you are in a better place. I guess seeing him like that only solidifies the fact you have made the right decision

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crochetmonkey74 · 08/04/2021 20:53

Found out today that ex has been on a sort of date (a friend of a friend of his set up for a walk)
Was deeply upset but maybe this is relief, I know this is the end .

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 08/04/2021 21:14

@crochetmonkey74 that must have been really tough. As much as it hurt, it might be the closure you need to help with the healing journey (which I wish was linear), i’m getting fed up of the 5 steps forward 3 steps back routine, which seems never ending. I think we’re all guilty of holding out a little hope that things might work out. I won’t hear from my ex again after shutting down his attempt to talk - still feel like shit for doing that, and I waited 24 hours to get back to him (which I feel incredibly guilty about). It seems so rude but I wanted to really think about what I wanted and what was for the best before getting back to him.

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crochetmonkey74 · 08/04/2021 22:29

Yes I think closure and as my sis says this is now finally a closed door. Hard but I find the absolutes easier to navigate than the uncertainty, however faint, I think we all hang on to a bit of hope but now it is the absolute end and the absolute rock bottom. Maybe now the real healing begins

crochetmonkey74 · 08/04/2021 22:30

It's also given me a mix of anger and humiliation. Anger that hes abld to just move on so easily and humiliation, doubting that he loved me if he can move on so quick

BelladiMamma · 09/04/2021 08:28

@Peace43

I broke it off with my boyfriend of 2 years last night. It had been coming for some time. He is a really nice guy but emotionally unavailable and just had way too much going on in his life to make proper room for me. I’m a bit sad today an expecting it to get harder before it gets easier.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing ok Thanks
BelladiMamma · 09/04/2021 08:31

@crochetmonkey74

It's also given me a mix of anger and humiliation. Anger that hes abld to just move on so easily and humiliation, doubting that he loved me if he can move on so quick
Let all those feelings in but don't let them define you. You know it was the right thing for it to end. Cliche I know but it now gives you permission to go out and seek all those wonderful new times that you weren't able to before. Even if it's just the hobbies and friends he didn't like, things are opening up and good times are ahead Daffodil
wow1111 · 10/04/2021 08:29

Oh @crochetmonkey74 so sorry your going through this. It's weird because I feel as if I'm waiting to here this about my ex so I can finally move on even though my heart will break once again if I find out he is moving on.. especially when he hasn't sorted a divorce out yet :(

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 11/04/2021 00:24

Well, I got all the confirmation I needed tonight. Ex ended things with me, to be on ‘his own’ and ‘sort his shit out’. Part of me believed him because he had so many issues and I thought he would take it seriously as they were affecting him and his relationship. But then my friends told me they saw him on a Tinder, and he’s already looking to meet someone else. Feel a bit sick really.

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fedup078 · 11/04/2021 00:25

@Herewegoagain22 so sorry
I've been there x

wow1111 · 11/04/2021 12:41

I'm just waiting for this still:( hope your okay, your strong you'll pull through this

crochetmonkey74 · 11/04/2021 16:09

Weirdly it has been more positive than I thought. The day I found out was awful like someone kicking my stomach out , just that hollow desperate feeling. But what I was most dreading has become the thing that has put me into the next stage. I have deleted his messages and blocked him on what's app . It was the final connection . I feel strangely like I needed to find it out to move on. Also and I know I'll be flamed for this but men are just so pathetically weak. Ex told me he went for a date as he needed someone to talk to. Men just move on and expect a woman to be there.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 11/04/2021 17:24

@crochetmonkey74 I have been pretty upset about it, but equally I knew it was coming. My ex could never be on his own. He never resolved any of his issues and his method is to ‘distract’ by being around other people and putting a front on, if that isn’t possible and he has to face things, then he’ll make every effort to run away from them - be it end relationships, move back with parents so they’ll sort things, ask for ‘breaks’ or start new relationships. Now I’ve written that I’m wondering why I even stuck around for as long as I did. I’ve done the same as you and used this as the final closure I needed and blocked him on WhatsApp too.

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BelladiMamma · 11/04/2021 19:26

@crochetmonkey74

Weirdly it has been more positive than I thought. The day I found out was awful like someone kicking my stomach out , just that hollow desperate feeling. But what I was most dreading has become the thing that has put me into the next stage. I have deleted his messages and blocked him on what's app . It was the final connection . I feel strangely like I needed to find it out to move on. Also and I know I'll be flamed for this but men are just so pathetically weak. Ex told me he went for a date as he needed someone to talk to. Men just move on and expect a woman to be there.
I was surprised how many men are like this. They hate being alone
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 07:58

As weird as it is, this is what I want for closure, either that or the divorce papers haha, still no sign of either...YET.. ex smokes cannabis though, so I think he is smoking that more to distract himself from his feelings

wow1111 · 19/04/2021 19:35

How is everyone recently??

crochetmonkey74 · 19/04/2021 20:17

I’ve been up and down, sometimes feel calm and looking forward to the future but other times still deeply sad. I feel like it never happened in a way, that we were never together. Think that’s a hangover from being in a lockdown etc I just feel bereft that he will move on, but in my mind it feels like I never will. Strange

Teatimes2 · 20/04/2021 06:58

I'm 9 weeks post-breakup after a 5 year relationship, and although I started to feel better for a couple of weeks, I'm still feeling very low and crying. I thought maybe I should be feeling better at this stage, but it helps to know I'm not the only one.

fedup078 · 20/04/2021 08:53

I'm not too bad
Had a few wobbles recently
Mainly self esteem stuff and worries about him trying to screw me over in the divorce
I can't say I've missed him at all but I really miss ds when he's not here
I'm also worried this is going to fck ds up and I worry he will grow to hate me, he's only 16 months but he already prefers his dad which is pretty upsetting

wow1111 · 20/04/2021 09:07

Its a very bumpy road isn't it!! I had a patch we're I felt absolutely fine, didn't want him back and recently I'm crying all the time again, really miss him and want him to realise he's made a mistake:( it feels as if he's just left!

@fedup078 I bet its hard when there's children involved:(

fedup078 · 20/04/2021 09:09

@wow1111 maybe you should apply for the divorce ? Do you have enough reason to apply under unreasonable behaviour? It's awful that he won't give you any closure . You need to be allowed to move on , he's being very cruel

wow1111 · 20/04/2021 09:18

My heads saying do the divorce but I just know I can't do it, I love him far too much and I keep thinking, I know a lot of couples who have fallen apart for a good few months and then realised they want to be together again :( I just don't want to regret sorting a divorce out

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 20/04/2021 11:26

I've been doing ok. I've had some health issues which have been my focus. As soon as my ex was seen on Tinder, that was it for me. Blocking him was the best thing I did. I don't have the 'surprise' of a text hanging over me anymore. And him looking for someone else just days after telling me he missed me and wanted to talk just confirmed everything. Not looking to date or meet anyone right now, I don't have the energy and I can't be bothered , I'm happy focussing on me. Still have the odd wobble (largely around period time ) but like @crochetmonkey74 said, I don't even feel like we were even together, it is really strange. I can't even remember his voice

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Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 20/04/2021 11:29

@Teatimes2 how are you holding up? 9 weeks isn't long at all, it can be quite a bumpy ride. It's good now things are opening up in the world and a bit of normality is back. Take care of yourself and remember there is no 'timescale' of feeling better, it will happen at different points for different people

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crochetmonkey74 · 20/04/2021 14:23

Yesterday I had the miserable experience of seeing his updated Instagram picture- (I run the work instagram and had forgotten to block him on there- so had to find him to block him)
I find seeing new photos of him hard- I just felt the bottom of my stomach drop and it just felt so awful- how do you get through those moments?