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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

718 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 13/02/2021 15:00

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

OP posts:
Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 03/04/2021 17:37

@MMMarmite I am a Consul. Which definitely explains certain aspects of my relationships etc.

I think that is wise. Giving yourself some time will also allow you to explore whether or not the changes you need are taking place and look to remain. I really hope it works out in your favour, whatever that turns out to be. If you have the luxury of time, then definitely use it!

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BelladiMamma · 03/04/2021 20:06

[quote Herewegoagain22]@fedup078 when does he leave? How are you feeling today?

@MMMarmite you are in a tough position. But in a way, it is actually nice that nobody is interfering and trying to sway you with their influence. Do you have a timeframe in mind to make your decision or are you just rolling with it to see how things progress?

On a separate note I came across this the other day, it is SCARILY accurate. I would honestly urge you all to try it, if you don’t learn anything about yourself it will probably at least shock you at how much it likens yourself personality! The test takes 3 minutes

www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

I’m off out on a 12 mile walk with my friend this morning. She’s trying to complete the Scotland Fife, Coastal path bit by bit![/quote]
Oooh just did this today. Wow. Very accurate I think...!

Ofalltheginjoints · 03/04/2021 20:50

@Herewegoagain22 I did that personality test and it was fairly scary in its accuracy, I came out as a Defender ISFJ-A / ISFJ-T

How is everyone doing this weekend? I’ve managed to see some friends who were previously shielding which was lovely (but cold outside!)

Today would’ve been our anniversary, my friends were a wonderful distraction but now home alone and feeling very sad, missing ex today Facebook memories showing all the previous things we’ve done, trying to remember that actually it has felt much better apart and relief since he left

TragicKingdom · 03/04/2021 21:56

Can I join the gang please? My marriage pf 20 years has recently ended. I've moved out am finding it so hard. I just miss being with him so much. It's been 6 weeks since I left and I feel like it's getting harder. Some days are ok, the past two I've spent sobbing like a baby. We're trying to stay friends so we have contact most days.. it's just so hard. Not helped as I don't have many friends. God I am tragic Hmm

BelladiMamma · 03/04/2021 22:02

@TragicKingdom

Can I join the gang please? My marriage pf 20 years has recently ended. I've moved out am finding it so hard. I just miss being with him so much. It's been 6 weeks since I left and I feel like it's getting harder. Some days are ok, the past two I've spent sobbing like a baby. We're trying to stay friends so we have contact most days.. it's just so hard. Not helped as I don't have many friends. God I am tragic Hmm
Didn't want to read and run. Sorry you're feeling this way. It does get better, I promise you ♥️🤜🏼🤛🏽♥️
Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 03/04/2021 22:30

I had a lovely walk today, my friend and I took both our dogs with us, and they had a blast! My legs were a bit sore after it but a nice glass of wine in the garden helped that side of things.

I got a message from the ex the other night asking how I was doing and to tell me that he was thinking of me and that he missed me. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond so that’s 24 hours I’ve left it. I don’t really know what to say. Now I’m out of the initial grief phase, I can see how much it wasn’t working and how badly he was treating me. He didn’t want me 7/8 weeks ago and wanted to be on his own and throw away our 3 year relationship, so why would I be good enough now. My friends are all telling me not to respond but being rude or ignorant goes against everything I am. It’s tough. I don’t want to start any dialogue with him, as actually I am better off out of the relationship and working on me. I did think of a ‘yes doing good thanks. Hope you are ok’ message but, it’s pretty pointless. What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 03/04/2021 22:32

And funnily this message came a few days after I removed all of his family and friends from Facebook so had absolutely no way of finding out how I was/what I was doing without asking directly ...Hmm

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Ofalltheginjoints · 03/04/2021 22:35

@TragicKingdom your not tragic at all, after such a long relationship it’s only natural to feel like this, what I’ve learned over the last 4 weeks is that crying isn’t a bad thing, the release of tears generally does help

Ofalltheginjoints · 03/04/2021 22:39

@Herewegoagain22 I wouldn’t respond, it sounds like he wants a way to keep track of what your doing now that Facebook isn’t an option for him?

I’m only in touch with ex because of doing work for his business and ddog, I wouldn’t want to have contact with ex if not for these reasons, looking after yourself by not replying isn’t being rude it’s self preservation

MMMarmite · 04/04/2021 10:10

@Herewegoagain22 Glad you had a nice walk. Nothing wrong with the "don't reply" advice, especially to anyone being rude or trampoling over boundaries, but like you, my instinct is generally to be polite and straightforward with people. So I think it would be okay to reply to set a polite boundary with him, if you wanted. Think it's good to avoid pointless chitchat that you don't want, though!

BelladiMamma · 04/04/2021 10:58

@Herewegoagain22

I had a lovely walk today, my friend and I took both our dogs with us, and they had a blast! My legs were a bit sore after it but a nice glass of wine in the garden helped that side of things.

I got a message from the ex the other night asking how I was doing and to tell me that he was thinking of me and that he missed me. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond so that’s 24 hours I’ve left it. I don’t really know what to say. Now I’m out of the initial grief phase, I can see how much it wasn’t working and how badly he was treating me. He didn’t want me 7/8 weeks ago and wanted to be on his own and throw away our 3 year relationship, so why would I be good enough now. My friends are all telling me not to respond but being rude or ignorant goes against everything I am. It’s tough. I don’t want to start any dialogue with him, as actually I am better off out of the relationship and working on me. I did think of a ‘yes doing good thanks. Hope you are ok’ message but, it’s pretty pointless. What do you guys think?

I've been thinking about this a bit as it's not a scenario I ever had with my ex h I was just constantly bombarded with anger and emotional blackmail so it was actually easier to detach (after 20 years of marriage ...). However to this you could say - 'it's hard but I'm still sure we are doing the right thing. Take care' so you're showing care but not letting him back in. HTH
Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 04/04/2021 13:16

@BelladiMamma thank you for this. It’s been playing on my mind since the day he messaged. I was almost convinced I was going to ignore it. But then my conscious got the better of me and I think I need to respond and be polite like you say. All my friends and family are telling me I need to just block him and ignore him. He was the one to treat me so unfairly throughout the relationship and he chose to walk away to make himself a priority, I know I owe him nothing but I am genuinely so conflicted over reaching back out. I don’t want to get back together. I want to move on but obviously hearing he misses me is nice, but not what I need.

OP posts:
Wonderlust2 · 04/04/2021 18:04

3 weeks no contact, it has been so hard and have cried so much. Yesterday was the first time I could talk about him with my friend without crying. Progress at last but feel so empty and alone. I read on line it takes 11 weeks to feel normal... ish. I hope it doesn't. I hear he is living life as normal, I really want him to feel as bad as me! I actually want to stamp my feet as its so unfair, he was such a knob!

BelladiMamma · 04/04/2021 18:11

[quote Herewegoagain22]@BelladiMamma thank you for this. It’s been playing on my mind since the day he messaged. I was almost convinced I was going to ignore it. But then my conscious got the better of me and I think I need to respond and be polite like you say. All my friends and family are telling me I need to just block him and ignore him. He was the one to treat me so unfairly throughout the relationship and he chose to walk away to make himself a priority, I know I owe him nothing but I am genuinely so conflicted over reaching back out. I don’t want to get back together. I want to move on but obviously hearing he misses me is nice, but not what I need.[/quote]
And if he then starts to send you messages that upset or derail you simply tell him that you're not in for the emotional back & forth as it's unhelpful to the situation. Then you can block him. If you have children then use the my family wizard app to schedule contact and send & receive emails. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Look after yourself first xxx

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 04/04/2021 20:19

@Wonderlust2 no contact can be tough but it really is necessary in your healing journey. I can honestly say I never once felt like reaching out. In fact, even though I missed him so much, I actually deleted his number from my phone to avoid the chance of me ever messaging. The no contact made me feel a little more like I had the upper hand, especially since he left me. If you can, please don’t reach out to him and lower your value or your self worth.

@BelladiMamma I’ve taken the decision to ignore those messages, he was more than likely out with his mates at the time drinking. If it happens again though, I will politely let him know that he made his decision and that dipping in and out isn’t helpful and that I need the space to move on with my life - much to the dislike of all my friends who have all told me to block, block and block and that I am ‘too nice to my own detriment’. Hmm

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SionnachGlic · 04/04/2021 20:22

It'll get better, one day at a time. Wean yourself off checking the ph, no good comes of it. I'd rather be without partner than with someone who didn't want to be there.

wow1111 · 05/04/2021 10:14

Hi everyone.. old and new 🙋🏼‍♀️ haven't wrote on here for a while.. I'm feeling so much stronger but still missing ex a hell of a lot

crochetmonkey74 · 05/04/2021 11:53

I'm really struggling at the mo. Its 12 weeks for me now, had had a stronger week or so but feeling awful again now. I seem to be tormented by thoughts of my ex meeting and being with someone else. I'm a teacher so got 2 weeks holiday stretching ahead so hoping I wont feel crap for all of it . I hate going backwards when I thought I was improving

BelladiMamma · 06/04/2021 16:42

@crochetmonkey74

I'm really struggling at the mo. Its 12 weeks for me now, had had a stronger week or so but feeling awful again now. I seem to be tormented by thoughts of my ex meeting and being with someone else. I'm a teacher so got 2 weeks holiday stretching ahead so hoping I wont feel crap for all of it . I hate going backwards when I thought I was improving
Sorry to hear that. Bank holiday probably doesn't help xx
MMMarmite · 06/04/2021 22:35

Sorry you're struggling @crochetmonkey74! Can you use the time to reconnect with old friends? And with yourself as well - what music, telly, activities do you like that your ex didn't?

Peace43 · 07/04/2021 07:30

I broke it off with my boyfriend of 2 years last night. It had been coming for some time. He is a really nice guy but emotionally unavailable and just had way too much going on in his life to make proper room for me. I’m a bit sad today an expecting it to get harder before it gets easier.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 08/04/2021 17:42

How is everyone doing today? I was doing good but had a bit of a dip (managing to pull myself up though).

Ex left a voicemail asking if we could talk. I responded by saying that he made his decision quite clear by ending things at the beginning of the year and wasn’t sure what, if anything there was to talk about anymore, I and I didn’t have anything to contribute to the talk and that I was trying to heal. And funnily enough, there has been nothing in return. He’s exceptionally good at throwing out breadcrumbs when he has had a drink as well which he’s done for the last 5 weeks. But I can’t keep building myself up for him to randomly contact to test the waters and be knocked down again. I’m not a toy he can just pick up and put down when he feels like it. I want to move on. Found it hard to say the above to him though as being selfish and looking after me isn’t in my nature and I’ve felt like shit ever since

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fedup078 · 08/04/2021 18:02

@Herewegoagain22 well done! You have been very strong and have done the right thing

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 08/04/2021 18:18

@fedup078 thank you. I have been ruminating over it since ever since. Not sure why I feel bad because I haven’t done anything wrong, but I do. How are you? And how are things your end?

OP posts:
fedup078 · 08/04/2021 19:38

@Herewegoagain22 I'm really good
I saw him yday and he stank of booze, absolutely reeked of it. If you'd have lit a match near him he would've gone up.

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