Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

How is everyone doing? After 7 weeks post breakup ‘adrenaline’ that I was running on, reality has hit and I have realised just how much life my ex and my relationship sucked out of me. I gave everything to someone who wasn’t even anywhere near matching my investment levels, and I lost myself completely trying to help and ‘fix’ someone I loved deeply, when they had no intentions of fixing themselves. They let me endure so much emotional pain and allowed me to keep giving until I was running on empty, and then just walked off without a care in the world to then ‘focus on themselves’. Which was a complete slap in the face.

Now I’m not only seeing things from a different perspective, I am also realising I have totally lost my own sense of self and identity. It is going to take a lot of work to feel like me again, but I will get there eventually. It’s quite a scary place to be when you don’t know who you are though

@herewegoagain22 I could have written that word for word. I don't know who I am by myself, and I don't know how to begin finding out who I am either.

@Herewegoagain22
I am also 7 weeks post breakup. I had my own thread about how, after 5 years together, he said he'd never been in love with me, after me asking him. I was completely shocked and heartbroken and thought I was doing relatively okay recently, after an awful time, until this week, I have a couple of days off and I'm still thinking about it constantly, but just want it out of my head now.

@Teatimes2 I’m so sorry to hear that happened. It must have cut like a knife to be told something so awful. I question whether my ex ever loved me, or whether I was just a welcome distraction from all his issues, and when I was no longer fulfilling that distraction he moved on to something/someone else that would. I’m so annoyed at myself for allowing someone to break me to the point where I don’t even recognise myself anymore. But I am that person who makes everyone laugh and feel good and then when I come home I take my mask off and I am deeply unhappy.

Are you still in contact? How are you keeping yourself sane with lockdown and a heartbreak?

I bumped into him unexpectedly once a couple of weeks ago. He apologised for how things ended, I got a couple more things off my chest and moved on swiftly. I felt both better and worse after it. No other contact at all. I have found lockdown tough, too much time to think, no real distractions. He's in his 50s, never been married, I was his longest relationship. I have come to realise he's emotionally unavailable, it's him and not me with the issues, but doesn't make it any easier.

these days are horrible aren't they

I am feeling calmer but numb really- and in a way, its like we were never together- i feel detached from it in quite a worrying way

How are you all doing? I've had a few phone calls recently with ex about whether we could fix things and get back together. I'm wavering a lot on whether it's a good idea, or whether the same problems would inevitably return.

I don't want to dismiss it without exploring the possibility, as I really miss him, but it is also prolonging the uncertainty and stress.

@MMMarmite I’m starting to really work on myself and working out who I am as an individual. I didn’t realise how much my ex ground me down and just how much of his mental health/own life issues were being projected onto me and our relationship.

It must be nice for you both to come together and talk about things. I can also imagine how conflicted you might be feeling. You don’t want any ‘what it’s’ if you don’t try again but equally you’ll be conscious that it could be a vicious circle if you do. Where about are you sitting with it all? Are friends and family helping sway your decision?

@crochetmonkey74 I know what you mean about the detached numb feeling, whilst I feel relief especially after ex moved out and the house felt calm I do still feel quite detached to the whole situation.

@Herewegoagain22 I know exactly what you mean about losing yourself and not knowing who you are, I feel the same, like the me who came into the relationship is no longer there and I empty.
I spent so much time trying to solve all his problems and make him feel better I lost me in the process. I’m hoping at least part of the old me will come back if my confidence increases.

Ex has been in touch every day about ddog while he is with him and has been sending photos which is nice and we’re having to have contact as I’m still doing some work for his business, trying to keep everything extremely professional

Day 5 alone after a 13 year relationship/marriage ended by my wife who’s moved into a new place. Struggling to fill my time, 2 children who live with her. Night times are the worst. No friends I can talk to really. I’m glad she’s happier, it’s just a shame I can’t stop feeling so sad, and I’ve lost my best friend and the only person in the world who I trusted implicitly. I can be a little immature and mess around with the kids and cause her hassle but no more than a normal silly dad. Feel like I’ve had my air supply cut off.really Struggling. 😔

Well he leaves this weekend
He's busy packing the car
Currently I don't feel anything

@DistraughtDad87 I'm so sorry, I remember those dark early days where I could barely breathe. It's no solace to hear it now but it does get easier. I genuinely thought him leaving was going to kill me but I'm now coping so much better. Just focus on getting through each day.

Thank you, I literally feel it’s going to finish me off. I didn’t realise how dependent I was on her to make me happy, and being human we only realise what we had until it’s gone. Very sad times, not ashamed to admit I’ve been crying on and off today, and I definitely don’t want to leave the house :(

I'm so sorry @DistraughtDad87

You will get through this. After 13 years, of course you are used to getting your happiness from the relationship. It's horrible, but gradually you will start to rediscover yourself away from her.

Do you have friends you could reach out to for some company?

@Herewegoagawant I working on yourself sounds really good. I know that feeling of rediscovering sides of yourself that got stifled within a relationship.

I'm wavering back and forth about ex. At this instant I'm feeling like it might need us both to change to much, and there's too much risk we end up back in the same place. None of my friends want to give an opinion one way or the other!

Sorry that was to @Herewegoagain22

The future seems bleak right now. I don’t have many friends outside of work, and nobody I’d want to confide in unfortunately. Thank you for replying.

@DistraughtDad87 is the breakup public yet or are you both not telling people?

I think if you are ready for people to know, then it's often helpful to tell people. Just having company, even if you don't talk about your feelings, is really helpful. Most people realise that someone in this situation needs extra support for a while, and many have gone through the same experience themselves.

Trying to deal with this alone is incredibly tough. And conversely, one good thing that can come out of breakups is stronger friendships.

If you're in the UK, sports clubs are starting to reopen - might not be something you're ready for when you're still reeling from the shock, but it could be a good way to make new friends and take your mind off things. Plus exercise helps you sleep better.

@fedup078 when does he leave? How are you feeling today?

@MMMarmite you are in a tough position. But in a way, it is actually nice that nobody is interfering and trying to sway you with their influence. Do you have a timeframe in mind to make your decision or are you just rolling with it to see how things progress?

On a separate note I came across this the other day, it is SCARILY accurate. I would honestly urge you all to try it, if you don’t learn anything about yourself it will probably at least shock you at how much it likens yourself personality! The test takes 3 minutes

www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

I’m off out on a 12 mile walk with my friend this morning. She’s trying to complete the Scotland Fife, Coastal path bit by bit!

@DistraughtDad87

The future seems bleak right now. I don’t have many friends outside of work, and nobody I’d want to confide in unfortunately. Thank you for replying.

I am so sorry you feel this way.

If I can share what's worked for me, maybe some of it will be useful?

• regular exercise, particularly if done with other people eg class, personal trainer, even taking up a sport that you've never tried before. The small goals associated with getting fit are really useful. I've forced myself to carry on even when I've wanted to curl up in a ball
• create a support group. Confide in a work friend or get a therapist. Knowing that there's someone who has heard your backstory and will talk to you on a level is invaluable
• if you have children, do everything you can not to burden them with the emotional fallout you're feeling. It can be hard sometimes as contact with them is inevitably bound up in contact with your ex so you will be triggered around the times that you see them
• engage in small talk with people you come across now and then eg neighbours, people in the shops you go too. Everyone is going through a rough time at the moment so people are much more open to talking to strangers I've found
• do not do on line dating until you're out of this first grief phase. It's too bruising and you may get attached too quickly

It gets better. I promise you. Sending you support and strength

Interesting @Herewegoagain22. Which type are you. I came out as Campaigner, ENFP-T.

I don't have a fixed time frame. I certainly don't want it to draft out indefinitely. But want to allow time for us to each explore things properly

*drag not draft

Good advice @BelladiMamma