I think I'm being ghosted

[jaffar]

And right before Valentine's Day

Why do men do this? Seriously who thinks this is the best way to end a relationship or treat someone? Especially in a fucking pandemic when they're your bubble.

OP I have been in the same situation as you and the relationship was much longer than yours. He is a coward and he is self centred, he has no answers. Just give yourself closure. Send him an email ending the relationship, then delete him and block him. You will feel a sense of relief. Read the book What Smart Women Know, this was a huge help to me.

This is horrible. I’ve had an on/off relationship with a man who does this before and all I will say is he won’t change. Chances are he’ll pop back up at some point, be all lovely and you’ll make excuses for him in your mind and be sucked back in. Then he’ll do it again at some point. And the cycle will repeat and repeat. Read about emotionally unavailable men, you’ll probably recognise him in the description. Save yourself a lot of heartache and block him so he can’t pop back when it suits him.

Op, this sucks. It’s shit. And a year isn’t a long time normally BUT it is when he’s probably one of the few people you’ve physically seen in the last year. I imagine you probably relied on him a lot.

My advice;

1X Cadbury’s chocolate (1kg bar)
2X pack of strawberries.

Melt the chocolate over the hob and dip in the strawberries. Chocolate strawberries fix everything.

Try not to think about it to much (easier said than done). It’ll get better.

He didn’t deserve you and you deserve better.

I’m with @mummyof2lou I’ve been OLD for about 5 years, always took the ghosting, never wanted to seem needy, kept my peace as a good little woman is taught to do. Until as my PP said a guy did it after a few months and I’d had enough. I chased the bugger until I got a (probably lying) explanation, but more importantly the chance to tell him what a MASSIVE coward he was. Felt a 000 times better to point that out to him and walk away with head held high and him feeling slightly ashamed of my dignity Vs feeling like they can weasel off silently.

You do what you need for closure, I like this song:

This is awful, but I think your messages were perfect, he knows he's upsetting you and doesn't care.

I wouldn't contact him again, and I wouldn't block him - I think you'll get your explanation / excuse one day....and then I'd ignore it an block him.

He's emotionally immature and damaged to behave like this - what a dickhead.

@Nouveau2021

I used to be of the mind that if I asked for an explanation that it was “clingy”, “needy” or I didn’t have “dignity” or “self respect”. These words and the implication meant by them is just another way society (men and indoctrinated women) silences women. Socialised to not cause trouble or assert ourselves when clearly from stories like “love sick man tries to win girlfriend back by playing the piano outside her house for 12 hours a day”, the same doesn’t apply to men. In fact, it’s expected and then excused when they take it too far and murder their (ex)partners.

You deserve an explanation and if he doesn’t answer you, I would actually go to his house and demand one face to face. I wouldn’t care how it made me look, especially since he’s showing you he’s doesn’t care how he looks by ghosting you or care about your feelings at all.

This forum confuses me no end. On one hand women are being told to LTB left, right and centre over the most minor things or being told to be more assertive and tell their OH to fuck off, to wise up, pull his weight etc etc. But when a woman is ghosted, which is an appalling way to break up with someone, she should just keep quiet, stay classy, don’t lose her dignity or self respect by asking/expecting an explanation? WHAT? Doesn’t make any sense.

It's not right, Nouveau BUT the only person who is going to be damaged by doing the things that you suggest is the OP herself. She doesn't deserve that additional pain - and that's exactly what she'll heap on herself.

Yes, an explanation is deserved. A decent person would give her that but her 'partner' obviously isn't decent. You might not care what you would look like to 'demand' one. I don't know how you'd be able to enforce that but, you'd look desperate. I would definitely mind looking like this and, if he calls the police then OP could find herself in hot water.

Again, none of this is fair but to egg OP on to elicit a response isn't in her best interests.

OP, you are quite entitled to your feelings of hurt & disappointment...a year is not nothing no matter how much the posters that are marrieds for years would like to belittle it.

If it is not the norm or a usual pattern then it sounds like something is amiss.... I understand the desire to check his online status but perhaps you need to take some control here. Stop checking your ph & when you are ready delete his contact so you can't put yourself through more upset. Ghosting is a cruel & cowardly way to end things. You deserve better.

OP, Sorry, just noticed now you already deleted his no... well done!

'You can "expect" anything you like, but he doesn't OWE you anything'

Can I ask at what point does a person in a relationship not owe someone common courtesy? Cause that's what this is. Common aka basic, most rudimentary, elemental, primal courtesy.

I know modern relations between the sexes have been infused with a lot of new age spiritualist, fulfillment-in-the-self-by-the-self-strict-non-dependence rhetoric for the past 20 odd years, but expecting the merest explanatory text is hardly 'demanding' or clingy.

@roxisolerenshaw might have the best moddle-ground solution which still leaves your dignity intact if you can't help yourself and you have to vent. An email. Get it all out, then block and burn as suggested by most people.

I honestly think he'll eventually contact you either because he likes games, or he becomes curious or wants something, but hopefully by then you won't give a damn.

Personally I’d be wanting to send a message saying exactly what I thought of him, really really disparaging, and then block.
Probably not the best course of action but come on, I don’t understand these posters who seem to think women are making a grovelling show of themselves if they don’t immediately cut things off with no contact in these situations. It’s not that easy.

@Nouveau2021

I used to be of the mind that if I asked for an explanation that it was “clingy”, “needy” or I didn’t have “dignity” or “self respect”. These words and the implication meant by them is just another way society (men and indoctrinated women) silences women. Socialised to not cause trouble or assert ourselves when clearly from stories like “love sick man tries to win girlfriend back by playing the piano outside her house for 12 hours a day”, the same doesn’t apply to men. In fact, it’s expected and then excused when they take it too far and murder their (ex)partners.

You deserve an explanation and if he doesn’t answer you, I would actually go to his house and demand one face to face. I wouldn’t care how it made me look, especially since he’s showing you he’s doesn’t care how he looks by ghosting you or care about your feelings at all.

This forum confuses me no end. On one hand women are being told to LTB left, right and centre over the most minor things or being told to be more assertive and tell their OH to fuck off, to wise up, pull his weight etc etc. But when a woman is ghosted, which is an appalling way to break up with someone, she should just keep quiet, stay classy, don’t lose her dignity or self respect by asking/expecting an explanation? WHAT? Doesn’t make any sense.

I quite agree!

Knowing someone for 6 years and then being in a relationship for 1 year - you do deserve and warrant an explanation.

What a rude cowardly fucker he is.

How incredibly cruel. Totally disagree with those alluding to demanding a response bunnyboiler esque! You have invested a year of your life in to this relationship of course you are due an explanation!!!

He is a cunt. A year long relationship is not a casual relationship although some mn's think otherwise.
It must hurt and I am sorry. He doesn't deserve you.

The man would appear to be an utter shit. He's telling OP that, and she's telling us.

WE know what is the right thing to do. He should have finished the relationship if he wasn't happy. He chose not to.

It may well be that there have been problems discussed a million times, he might be the world's most patient and forgiving man, but he's had his final straw because everything he's expressed over the course of a year has fallen on deaf ears.

It may well be that he's moved on an doesn't value OP enough to explain that.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained from asking for an explanation. It's not a job interview where OP is entitled to ask for feedback.

We are in an age where we can pick any number of ways to communicate. We don't have to meet in person. If someone emails you, you email back. That's their preferred method of contact.

Meet silence with silence. He's telling you who he is, listen.

I can only conclude that the posters who believe the OP is clingy/needy/self entitled to believe she deserves some common courtesy would have no qualms about treating someone close to them in the same way and that ghosting is probably something they’ve all done.

Is it any wonder that people feel they can treat others like shit when it is the people being treated that way who are being blamed for daring to expect some common respect?

People don’t have the right to treat someone however they like with no consequence. Saying nothing just validates their behaviour. Oh, and it’s perfectly possible to tell someone that they’re a selfish twat without having to beg...

Agree though that this forum is odd.

And I will go one further. On this thread we have posters telling the OP that a year long relationship is only casual and they tel others that if they don’t live with someone that means they’re not partners, yet on other threads if a woman is in her say, late 30’s, and meets a man, she should be making it clear that they should start trying for a baby as soon as possible as her fertility is on the decline.

So which is it then?

I would message him one last time and say "You're a coward for ghosting me and I deserve better than you."

And then block and delete. I couldn't just leave it with him having the last act of ghosting me and say nothing!

He's horrible and you do deserve better, OP!

Hi OP.. I find the whole 'keep your dignity' line such a misogynistic cop out. Because what it really means is 'don't ask questions, accept appalling behaviour meekly without complaint and allow the 'ghoster' to rewrite their own narrative about the relationship'.

Fuck that. ! (Personally I would go round there and hand him a letter face to face) . Make him squirm. Not because he wants to end the relationship - that is everyone's right. But because he is too much of a coward to tell you even by text. Really terrible and unacceptable behaviour that needs calling out.

I wouldn’t text or get in contact. I would have to sit on my hands and I would be very upset but I would be silent.

Of course OP deserves and explanation. Of course this is disgusting behaviour from the man.

But...I think that there is a decent chance that he will be in touch down the line if he hears absolutely nothing. If nothing else, just for his ego. And I am petty enough to be relishing the thought of OP ghosting him back when he does.

Morning all.

I did text him last night and said I wanted an explanation, even if it interrupted his plans. My not so subtle allusion to the fact he might have Valentine's plans with someone else. He didn't read it or come online till 9am, so I'm guessing I was right and he was with someone. And even now he's read it and left it.

I have moments of feeling fine and moments of just sheer panic/hurt/loss. I keep subconsciously reaching up to play with the necklace he bought me, which I wore constantly until Saturday. Every time I do and it's not there, I remember again.

I agree somewhat with Trickyboy

This behaviour from him is appalling and needs to be addressed. I don’t think I’d go there but rather would telephone, with a script ready. Ready to leave a voicemail but also ready just in the off chance he answers.

I’d tell him that ghosting behaviour is cowardly and cruel, that you’re very disappointed in thus behaviour as you thought more highly of them than thus. .

Tell him you thought you both had invested in this relationship which is why you continued to contact him snd was worried about him. However while it is acceptable for either of you to end the relationship if it’s not working, that it is common decency to actually tell them it’s over. Such a shame he doesn’t even have that.

Enc by saying that he need not bother to respond as your purpose was to do the right thing and end things so please do not text, call or contact t me again.

Then block him.

You don’t need this treatment

If there was something that happened to him, someone has access to his phone and read your messages but didn’t reply to let you know something happened. Do I don’t buy that

With his messages being accessed nothing has happened to the phone itself. Plus I’m sure with email and telephone plus web access he could've contacted you by now if it were a phone problem all those excuses have expired with the duration this has gone on.

I think you need to come to the conclusion he's gone. You have been upfront, asked him outright what his game was and every time he has refused to correspond.

You can't control his actions but you can control your own. As painful as it is, there is no coming back from this. Block his number, get rid of memories of him, get that break up music on, do what you do to move on and get over him. You are worth more than this. I find it's a few weeks of painful ness but by a month you feel so much better and empowered and excited about what the future can hold.

Ben Harper walk away perfect song for this!

He's treated you terribly...does appear like he was with someone else.

I hope you are okay, he's a coward of the highest order.

@Trickyboy

Hi OP.. I find the whole 'keep your dignity' line such a misogynistic cop out. Because what it really means is 'don't ask questions, accept appalling behaviour meekly without complaint and allow the 'ghoster' to rewrite their own narrative about the relationship'.

Fuck that. ! (Personally I would go round there and hand him a letter face to face) . Make him squirm. Not because he wants to end the relationship - that is everyone's right. But because he is too much of a coward to tell you even by text. Really terrible and unacceptable behaviour that needs calling out.

I think it's more misogynistic to encourage a fellow woman to chase up a man who is telling you he doesn't want to be chased up.

It doesn't mean accept behaviour meekly, it means don't rail against it.

He will rewrite the narrative regardless. I just have enough respect for myself that I don't want to give him one more thing for his plot, including standing on his doorstep with a letter. I'd die of the cringes for the rest of my life.

You can only call out someone who can hear you, when he's blanking you, you look a bit unhinged. My old boss used to say, "don't fight with pigs, you'll get dirty and they'll love it". Different context but still true.

I think your text was perfect OP because it was your decision, it hasn't provoked a response, if it's made you feel any better, you're winning. I hope it has, sincerely. He won't give you closure, take the power back now, take it for yourself ♥️

OP this is a horrible thing to happen. The man is scum for behaving in this way. He absolutely should be called out on his behaviour.

In your shoes I would craft a message which sets out exactly what a nasty little loser he is. I wouldn’t describe how he had hurt me, more how he had offended and disappointed me. I would tell him never to contact me again, and wish him well but point out that trying to lead a worthwhile and happy life will be a challenge for him as he will always be stuck with who he is: a cowardly loser. Then block and delete him on EVERYTHING. Don’t give him the right of reply.

This must sting like crazy but please don’t let him do lasting damage to you. Get angry to move on to living your best life.

Stop texting him OP.

Of course you want and deserve an explanation but you cannot insist that he gives you one. And if he is capable of treating you as he has done, then I sincerely doubt you're going to be able to hector him into providing any explanation that you'd find acceptable.

Also agree with other posters about the the utterly ridiculous notion of "fighting for your relationship".

At this point, continuing to text him is akin to repeatedly punching yourself in the face.