I think I'm being ghosted

[jaffar]

And right before Valentine's Day

Why do men do this? Seriously who thinks this is the best way to end a relationship or treat someone? Especially in a fucking pandemic when they're your bubble.

OP if you can't manage to control yourself from texting, and constantly looking for his status on whatsup and social media etc. Do it in increments: Do no checking, calling or texting for 6 hours, 12 hours, a day, 2 days, a week etc.

Try blocking in short bursts - you can always unblock temporarily.

An event like this can give you abandonment issues so talk positively to yourself and remember you would never behave this way. You don't even have to be a nice person to not deserve this sort of treatment x

I’m so sorry you are going through his ... has he responded yet ?? I really hope he does ....

Nope, nothing. It's been three days and Valentine's Day. It's over I'm just trying to decide whether to demand an explanation first or not.

And whether to tell him what this has done to me. Not that he'll likely care apparently

If it wasnt for him not responding to your appeal though (which yes, is cruel and you have every right to be mad) I'd think you were being a bit mental though tbf.

I mean there no way I would want to have to communicate every single day with a gf/bf! And the times where he has gone quiet before would have just indicated to me that maybe he didn't want to text every day. Maybe he was just trying to reset the pace naturally and you weren't getting the message.

That aside though, I think trust your instincts.
Besides, if be cant communicate what he does and doesnt want with words, then he isn't partner material tbf.

No don't message him again. Take back the power.

Oh Jaffer I'm so sorry how shit! Valentines as well.

It's tough, it's really, really, really hard, but I would avoid asking him anything. Don't you think he's expecting you are hurt, angry and betrayed? Of course he knows, smug cowardly git.

Don't give him the pleasure or attention. Go cold on him and he'll be genuinely wondering if he made a mistake.

Scream if you have to, tie your hands behind your back if you have to, but please don't give anymore of your power away to him. Let him call you with some pathetic excuse first. Then tell him exactly what you think about his actions.

The more you plead for answers the more exploited you'll feel when he ignores you. Get support from those around you and gather your strength x

@jaffar I'd leave it and take care of your self first.

Nah don’t. Keep your dignity. He didn’t give you closure, you don’t need to give him closure either

@Wanderlusto

If it wasnt for him not responding to your appeal though (which yes, is cruel and you have every right to be mad) I'd think you were being a bit mental though tbf.

I mean there no way I would want to have to communicate every single day with a gf/bf! And the times where he has gone quiet before would have just indicated to me that maybe he didn't want to text every day. Maybe he was just trying to reset the pace naturally and you weren't getting the message.

That aside though, I think trust your instincts.
Besides, if be cant communicate what he does and doesnt want with words, then he isn't partner material tbf.

Honestly it wasn't like this, most contact driven by him. Just became our rhythm to sit down after the kids had gone to bed and chat.

I hear you all about messaging. Just feels like he gets away with not having to explain himself

@jaffar I think some people are just chicken to explain things and ghost. I had been seeing someone for 6 months and he was going through loads of mental health stuff and needed time out. The silence initially devastated me but he did then text me explaining that he needed to hide away. But then after another week of silence I called him out and said I felt like he was ghosting me and if his feelings had changed, then to let me know. He replied it wasn't that, it was just that he was struggling mentally. But still silence really, even today. What I learnt really is I saw how he dealt with big things in life/depression and how he dealt with me, someone who really cared for him. I would never have done the same to him. To me, its better i know that now than later. I'm sorry this has happened to you. People can be so weak.

This is confusing, OP - you said this, earlier:
I don't think it's Valentine's as we weren't due to see each other tomorrow and had already agreed to just spend some time together having a nice meal next week, no presents or anything (not my thing)

It obviously is your thing for gifts, bit of fuss, etc. Nothing wrong with that, but it is not HIS thing, not with you.

You're selling yourself very short and it's sad to read. He will not improve but he can get a lot worse and so can your situation if you stay with him.

Agree totally with PP who said who are you "fighting for" and what on earth would you be fighting? For the love of a person who doesn't love you, doesn't respect you or have even enough feelings for you to reassure you that he's alive when he clearly is.

He doesn't actually have to explain himself to you, that's within his gift. Protecting yourself so that you don't give a toss for his explanation is within yours.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

This is confusing, OP - you said this, earlier: I don't think it's Valentine's as we weren't due to see each other tomorrow and had already agreed to just spend some time together having a nice meal next week, no presents or anything (not my thing)

It obviously is your thing for gifts, bit of fuss, etc. Nothing wrong with that, but it is not HIS thing, not with you.

You're selling yourself very short and it's sad to read. He will not improve but he can get a lot worse and so can your situation if you stay with him.

I mean Valentine's isn't my thing. What we agreed seemed perfect for us.

Well he's obviously changed his mind about it then, jaffar but guess what, he's not the boss of you. Don't let him have control of how he treats you, you can decide this for yourself.

I won't beg you not to contact him again but be prepared to feel worse when you do and there's no contact from him. Blocking him on everything, right now, will give him a very good message indeed - that you're worth more than the price he values you at.

You're not the boss of him too, you can't DEMAND and explanation. You can ASK, but if he wanted to explain, he could have done that in his break-up chat/email/text - which he hasn't given you the courtesy of. Why not maintain some dignity, don't look like a bunny boiler, and just let him fade into insignificance.

Any "demanding" is not going to go down well, because he will be able to think/tell folk YOU demanded. You'll be "demanding"

It's hurtful and shitty. He's shitty. When people ask you what happened, say he just stopped texting and disappeared. Don't say, he stopped texting and tried to disappear and I hounded the life out of him, hunted him down, and now he has a restraining order against me. Be dignified.

Two wrongs don't make a right. He wasn't good enough for you.

@TripleSeptic

You're not the boss of him too, you can't DEMAND and explanation. You can ASK, but if he wanted to explain, he could have done that in his break-up chat/email/text - which he hasn't given you the courtesy of. Why not maintain some dignity, don't look like a bunny boiler, and just let him fade into insignificance.

Any "demanding" is not going to go down well, because he will be able to think/tell folk YOU demanded. You'll be "demanding"

It's hurtful and shitty. He's shitty. When people ask you what happened, say he just stopped texting and disappeared. Don't say, he stopped texting and tried to disappear and I hounded the life out of him, hunted him down, and now he has a restraining order against me. Be dignified.

Two wrongs don't make a right. He wasn't good enough for you.

Jesus.

Where did I say I was demanding or hounding?

A woman who expects honesty and an explanation from a man is a bunny boiler?

@jaffar

Nope, nothing. It's been three days and Valentine's Day. It's over I'm just trying to decide whether to demand an explanation first or not.

And whether to tell him what this has done to me. Not that he'll likely care apparently

At 7pm you were thinking about demanding an explanation. It's a slippery slope.

I find quite a lot of these responses insensitive. Unless you have experience of ghosting, you have absolutely no idea what it feels like. A year is not early days and for someone to change the way they have behaved for this long suddenly and without explanation is crappy.

OP you are going to have to be strong and wait this out. Any break up is hard, but this is cruel and gives zero closure. It will get easier, you are clearly strong and can get through it. Is there anyone you can turn to irl to keep you occupied and be a support?

You can "expect" anything you like, but he doesn't OWE you anything, hence the advice not to "demand" it from him. Do as you please though, whatever you think is best. You know him, I don't, but I do know that one person can't fight to maintain a relationship when the other has checked out. 3 days is a long time when you're sitting by the phone being ignored.

Just block him on everything. Don't message, don't leave the door open to explanations.

And tell yourself you had a lucky escape. He's a childish, rude bore and you can do better.

@TripleSeptic

You can "expect" anything you like, but he doesn't OWE you anything, hence the advice not to "demand" it from him. Do as you please though, whatever you think is best. You know him, I don't, but I do know that one person can't fight to maintain a relationship when the other has checked out. 3 days is a long time when you're sitting by the phone being ignored.

You're right that I said demand, I didn't even clock it. I supposed I used it just in the sense of my being angry. Not that it was my right or I'm the boss of him.

It's over regardless, there's no explanation that makes this ok. I just feel like he shouldn't get to walk away leaving me confused like he wants to.

OP I understand when you say why should he get out of not explaining. He would obviously find it uncomfortable. Why should he get away with that? For all the people that say keep your dignity, he knows she'll be sitting at home feeling shit. How is that any different to messaging and saying, you have made me feel like shit, I think I deserve an explanation after all this time. There is no excuse for his rudeness. He does owe you an explanation. You don't owe him a second chance.

I used to be of the mind that if I asked for an explanation that it was “clingy”, “needy” or I didn’t have “dignity” or “self respect”. These words and the implication meant by them is just another way society (men and indoctrinated women) silences women. Socialised to not cause trouble or assert ourselves when clearly from stories like “love sick man tries to win girlfriend back by playing the piano outside her house for 12 hours a day”, the same doesn’t apply to men. In fact, it’s expected and then excused when they take it too far and murder their (ex)partners.

You deserve an explanation and if he doesn’t answer you, I would actually go to his house and demand one face to face. I wouldn’t care how it made me look, especially since he’s showing you he’s doesn’t care how he looks by ghosting you or care about your feelings at all.

This forum confuses me no end. On one hand women are being told to LTB left, right and centre over the most minor things or being told to be more assertive and tell their OH to fuck off, to wise up, pull his weight etc etc. But when a woman is ghosted, which is an appalling way to break up with someone, she should just keep quiet, stay classy, don’t lose her dignity or self respect by asking/expecting an explanation? WHAT? Doesn’t make any sense.

@Nouveau2021 I couldn't agree more. They've been together a year, this isn't just some guy who's gone quiet after one or two dates. Calling him out on his shitty behaviour isn't desperate, it's entirely reasonable and justified.