Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

@WonderLandWoman

I'm overwhelmed by the responses - thank you so much! I've got a lot to think about and a few dynamics in my relationship to work on. I'm happy to say that I've just purchased a 4 man tent! We choose it together from the two I shortlisted after lots of research. And I've also now purchased a digital photo frame. I will just put it up in the living room and be really happy to have it, and will ignore any moaning.

That’s excellent op. You can change the dynamic in a relationship if your dh isn’t an abusive arse. Mines always been a bit of a miserable negative type but I’ve managed to change a lot over the years. We all deserve to live a life we enjoy.

How does he react if you say 'no' to something that he wants?

And I would tell him that if he doesn't agree with buying a tumble dryer, he's just volunteered to sort out all the wet washing from now on... starting today.

Just to be clear - are you a SAHM? Do you have join and equal access to the family finances?

Ugh I identify with this a bit
DH is a bit of a fun drain
For example on holiday (ironically camping) he’ll never ever go in the pool or the sea with the kids, just flatly refuses and reads his book. I feel really sad looking at the dads engaging and having fun with their kids in the pool.

And around the house - he’s very set on ideas about decor or how to fix things so feel like my hands are tied to just get on with things.

Like others have said - just crack on without him and don’t let him spoil your fun.
Yes would be nice if he was up for camping - but if not, buy a tent that you’ll be able to put up yourself/with the kids help then crack on and have fun!

With the photo frame - how does it possibly affect him really?

Things like chickens... yes it would be nice if he was more up for it but I think that would be tough if he’s not keen

How does he justify all the negatives? Is it the money?

Some people would just sit on a bank balance and not have any fun. Or does he have a real reason, like maybe worries about redundancy.

I agree with everyone else, buy what you want to. You can't put your life on hold for ever.

Does he ask your permission before buying anything (even a "im looking for x") ? If so, have you tried saying no to him, or do you go along with it? Or does things he wants just arrive at home and you accept it.

Well done for just doing what you want!

I’m going slightly against the grain here. My DP used to be like this - every purchase had to be researched to the nth degree, costs compared, consequences examined... it was ridiculous. I finally snapped when I bought - without discussion- a small chalkboard for the kitchen and he moaned, complained, wanted to send it back etc.

We had a really frank chat about how this made me feel controlled, walking on eggshells etc and he explained how the fact he and his mum never had any money when he was a child had affected him more than he’d wanted to admit and made him ultra cautious with any purchases.

He is so much more relaxed now. It made him realise the effect his attitude was having on me and while for big purchases eg a piece of furniture we stills have a lot of research 🧐 he isn’t bothered about other stuff at all. And if it’s things for me eg clothes, he’s actually a bit of an enabler now, encouraging me to spend on nice things for me.

So have a conversation and make it clear how this is affecting you. It can be draining but communicate this to him. Shouts of LTB up thread are a bit premature I think.

reverse it say I don't think I will do this or get that what would he say then

Dont ask
Just do it.

Make him come up with arguments.

This is no way to live.

Well bloody done. That was good practice.

Hi OP, My DH is a but like this as well. I don't think it's financially controlling or anything- just a bit tight fisted and happy with what we have so doesn't see the need to change things. Usually once "we" have gone ahead and got the thing regardless he is more than happy with it. It's a bit annoying but it's just through being a bit unambitious I think. Got fed up of waiting for him to decide what he wanted to do for holidays so just told him I was going to book it and now he is perfectly happy about it. Sometimes you just have to make the decision (I'm off to google robot mops now.....!)

This isn't just about the issue of him saying 'no'. This is about you being two quite different people. Imagine if a man said this -

'My wife says no to everything - she said no to the big football team poster, 'no' to a Star Wars figurine I wanted (it would be ugly and embarrassing in the living room according to her), she said no to a kayak, and said no to getting a dog'.

It's also understandable that you want consensus from him. It's as fun when you know someone's disapproving what you do. However, it seems like he gets the final say in quite a few things. Not wanting chickens is understandable, but do you agree on any other choices??

Must admit I would say no to chickens and a trampoline too, they both should be joint decisions as it impacts the other person.

If you want a tent buy a tent, but he's allowed to not like the idea of camping.

Digital photo frame you should buy without needing permission.

@CausingChaos2

My dad is just like this. Everything is an automatic no although he usually comes round to the idea. It’s miserable. The best way is to just go ahead and do what you want.

My parents were always automatic no people. Life was so miserable. I always promised that when I was a parent I would say yes if I possibly could, rather than have a default no setting. My husband has the same positive outlook.

OP what are his reasons for saying no and is it a collaborative discussion.

How do you respond when he wants to do something. Does he ask you or do you just do it.

We do generally discuss things if it involves a large amount of money but we certainly wouldn’t dictate to each other how to spend birthday, Christmas money or personal savings for eg.

Is this part of a bigger picture of him being controlling, because it sounds as though it may be. It sounds like he’s sucking the joy out of you, which is awful.

It's not as fun*

Same issues here. I just do it anyway. If I left to dh to do or agree to, wed all be starving in a rundown home and a jungle for a garden.

Have you ever told him how his behaviour is affecting yours and your childrens lives? I would be very frank and tell him he is exhausting and making you miserable and that its no way to live.

I do think its reasonable to discuss large purchases but I never feel like I'm asking permission, its more like ‘what do you think about getting a bigger tent’ and we discuss.

Life is too short to be miserable, do something about it !

With chickens come rats
With trampoline come A & E visits
Tents , will you put it up?

Digital Photo frame - your decision no need to ask. I see them all the time free on Freecycle , I am sure someone will give you one.

Constant negativity blights your life - its even better to do things alone than having a moaner in the background to drag along. You dont need permission to leave him and either enjoy your own life and money or find someone more positive. I put positivity high up my priority list when dating and now have a partner who enjoys life - its great!! What else are we here for for gods sake?

Its fine to make the life choice to be a miserable fuck, but not fine to force others into it!!

Wait...the birds have a pandemic just now too?! 🤯

*With chickens come rats
With trampoline come A & E visits
Tents , will you put it up?

Digital Photo frame - your decision no need to ask. I see them all the time free on Freecycle , I am sure someone will give you one

Spectacularly misses the point.
These were just examples of the negatively. No to a tumble dryer, not happy about daffodil bulbs.
It was about the constant negative attitude.
And as a side why should she have to go on Freecycle when she has her own money to pick the digital frame she fancies?

Who made him your boss?

I would say that things like tents should be discussed if the OP is expecting the DH to go camping. Otherwise you’ll end up with a conversation that is something like

OP When shall we go camping?
DH I hate going camping-I don’t want to go
OP but I bought a really expensive tent so that we can use to go on holidays for the next 10 years.
DH I don’t want to go camping-I hate camping, its not the sort of holiday I want to go on.
OP but I can’t put it up without you-it’s too big, I need you to come.

Etc etc

Things that affect holidays and the DH like that need to be discussed. If however, it was a tent solely bought by the OP, she didn’t need anyone’s help to put it up and didn’t expect the DH to come away, then absolutely fine to just go ahead and buy it.

My husband can be like is. It used to annoy me but now I just do it anyway.

Tumble dryer is a case in point. He moaned and complained. How much will that cost? Where will it go? I’ll have to clear a space in the garage? It’s being delivered at 7am ffs moan moan moan.

Then it went in with no fuss and now he’s all “oh it’s great having a tumble dryer”.

You need to play them a wee bit

If you want a tumble dryer, buy one. I can’t imagine not having one. I use it every week. The alternative is that he is responsible for laundry and getting it dry in winter.

Does he do his share of childcare and household tasks? Not helping but responsible for things like buying new school shoes, booking dental appointments, getting school clothes ready each week (pre Covid times) etc.