Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

Why are you still with him? He doesn't sound like a good Dad or husband. He might be providing a roof but it's a roof that only has things he wants under it.

Why not leave and get your own roof and have the house how you and your children want it?

He sounds an absolute joy sponge, OP.

Glad you bought the things you wanted OP! I have to say it does sound exhausting having someone be so negative to all of your suggestions and say no all the time. I think I would find it very hard. I don’t expect my DP to agree with everything I say but don’t think I could put up with feeling like I had to get every little thing agreed by him!

It’s your life, your home too and you’re perfectly able to make your own decisions. Has he always been so negative? It sounds very draining

Sometimes these dynamics arise from abusive behaviour on the part of the naysayer, sometimes they arise from issues the asker has.

Why do you feel you need your husband's permission for these purchases? Is it because of the way he lays down the law (abuse) or is it because of your own internal issues with spending money / choosing your own direction in life? Only you can say. If I were in your position I'd be asking myself why I feel I need permission to spend my own money. If you fear his reaction, then it might be abuse - or it might be that he needs to take a good look at himself and adjust his attitude to you/money. It might not be so deeply ingrained that he can't give his head a shake and stop being so negative all the time. I bet he had a tightarse Dad.

I have purchased guinea pigs that DH expressly did not want, but I knew that there would be no repercussions from him - he just rolled his eyes, and let me get on with caring for them (and recently I have caught him talking to them and feeding them tidbits from the fridge, because he has been won over by their cuteness!)

I am in a similar situation. However aI wouldn't dream of asking him about the small stuff. My issue is with larger purchases/home improvements. He is self employed and has had periods of not working during the pandemic. However I am fortunate to be quite a high earner in a stable job. We argue as he always wants "to wait" but I can afford to fund purchases on my own but I feel it makes him feel emasculated. I am trying to be strong and just do what I want done as my happiness is important. However I hate confrontation so I struggle with this.

He doesn’t get to say no to everything. Marriage is a compromise.

Some things - having kids, having chickens - need you both to buy into.

Some things - digital photo frames - not so much.

Some things - daffodil bulbs that ruin the lawn - can surely be compromised on (plant them in your flower beds).

Marriage for me is all about negotiating the little things, so you both think you’re getting your own way!

Everybody needs at least 3 tents. A big social one, classical canvas lavvu then a winter one for a stove. Thats bare minimum.

No thanks I hate camping.

Thinking about it although my granny was devastated at my grandfather’s death he refused to fly or leave the uk when widowed my granny went to Spain for 3 weeks every winter with her mates 😁.

@user1471565182

Everybody needs at least 3 tents. A big social one, classical canvas lavvu then a winter one for a stove. Thats bare minimum.

Good lord, no!

I’m with the DH on the tent issue!!

Oh god, I mean there’s taking your husbands feelings into account and there’s being tethered to a miser. He’s not considering your feelings. ‘No’ is his stock response, maybe he’s a procrastinator. My husband is a bit like this and if I want to suggest something big eg new driveway I have to build up to it. And then if it really matters to me, I tell him and tell him.

Other stuff though, I just do it because once it’s done he is generally fine with it. For example there was a brilliant vac on offer and he said no, haven’t got the money etc. Well I do have the money so I just bought it.

You need your happiness.

You have to make him think it's his idea. Plant the seed, it will grow and he'll propose your idea to you as if he was sooooo clever and thought of it all along.

It's an art. Get brochures, leave them around, huff and puff when carrying out difficult tasks that a certain gadget will make easier and say I don't know why this is so difficult.

You can even drop in that a friend of yours has so and so, her husband didn't like it but they now both agree it's changed their lives.

It's an art. Subtle manipulation playing up to their male ego.

Op he is not the boss of you read about financial abuse and maybe get some counselling to find out why you are in this position.
I one finished a relationship because exp moaned about the price of sandwiches in a service station, it wasn’t that he moaned about it but the fact that I knew he would before he did and I couldn’t live life knowing what he was going to moan about all the time :)
Life is short and we all deserve to enjoy it as much as we can xx

Buying a trampoline in a pandemic is the hight of selfishness. No net is going to prevent broken bones.
Chickens I would not want in my garden either.

I remember this life. Mr No dictated everything. No to moving the desk, no to going out, no to the songs we loved. No to dessert when eating out, no to every-fucking-thing. That’s why he was let go. I had to finally say ‘no more’ of this shit.

Oh nowadays he is a yes person. Very fucking convenient.

That’s ridiculous! Buying a trampoline isn’t the ‘height of selfishness’ ! I think you are being overly dramatic there! Trampolines do not guarantee broken bones for every child 😂

I'm going to go against the grain here too as I'm not sure you're painting the full picture. You haven't really explained his side apart from the daffodilsdid you miss this bit I just don't think it will be a pleasant experience for me to do any of those things alone :-(*
Or
He'll moan it's ugly or a poor choice.
Or this
Wow he's hit the roof if I just bought a tumble dryer.
The point is its not just about a few daffodils or a picture frame. It seems to be the constant negativity on anything that us suggested.

I can understand why someone wouldn't want a trampoline- all the neighbours would be over and you'd be responsible for more than your own kids.

I don't like camping but my partner does so I go camping with him. It's just a few days of discomfort. When we have children it will be fun for them so it's a good skill to have and you can stay in interesting places that are only accessable by foot. My nephew likes sleeping in our garden in the tent (an adult has to go too). It's one of those bizarre things children really enjoy.

Chickens suck, so I can understand him saying no to those.
I didn't want them either, but was overruled by the husband and the DSs, when hatching eggs were brought into school for the kindergarten children to watch, and I was persuaded into signing up for 3 of the beggars.
Still don't like them and refuse to have anything to do with them.

Tent - well, I'm glad you've bought one and hope you get joy out of using it. I'm not a happy camper but I'd never say No to DH buying a tent to take the boys camping if he wanted to.

Digital photo frame - can't imagine why he thought he had a right to say no to that in the first place! Glad you've bought one of those too now.

And a trampoline - unless you absolutely do not have the space for it, I can't see his issue. They mostly come with safety nets now (which ours has) so what's his problem? If you have enough money left, get one of those too! Although you will need to put it together, which can be tricky. Lots of springs! (they usually include the tool though)

It must be disheartening to be constantly met with a No.
My DH is not that bad, but he doesn't bother his arse to do stuff that he can't see a benefit of, or if he doesn't agree with how someone else wants it to be done. SO getting stuff done can be a drawn-out process, or it just gets shelved because I CBA to have the ongoing battles over it. However, he wouldn't stop me buying something - it's only when he has to put effort in that he becomes obstructive.

Buying a trampoline in a pandemic is the hight of selfishness. No net is going to prevent broken bones.
Chickens I would not want in my garden either.
But what if you wanted to plant a few bulbs or display pictures of your kids or want a tumble but you were told you couldn't buy it with your own money or anything else you fancied for the house and could afford it.

Its not just about chickens and trampolines!

Hi op,

Sometimes you just have to do what you want and other times compromise.

My husband wanted a pet, but I said no. Because I don’t want to clean up the mess. I think everyone in the family has to be onboard of you are thinking of animals.

My husband wanted to buy a tent. I didn’t say no, but I did say that I won’t be camping with him. I loathe camping. So he didn’t buy it.

I think digital photo frames are naff and if DH wanted to buy one, I would tell his it was naff, but wouldn’t say ‘no’.

Similarly when I want something e.g I wanted to buy a bicycle, DH told me I’d never use it; that he doesn’t cycle and wasn’t about to start...so I didn’t buy one.

When I said I wanted an exercise bike, DH said it was a waste of money and I wouldn’t use it...I bought it anyway and he’s on it right now.

I think as long as a partner isn’t controlling, it’s important to listen to their views...they might be right...but it doesn’t mean you have to always do what they say and if you REALLY want something, then just get it.

@DBML

Hi op,

Sometimes you just have to do what you want and other times compromise.

My husband wanted a pet, but I said no. Because I don’t want to clean up the mess. I think everyone in the family has to be onboard of you are thinking of animals.

My husband wanted to buy a tent. I didn’t say no, but I did say that I won’t be camping with him. I loathe camping. So he didn’t buy it.

I think digital photo frames are naff and if DH wanted to buy one, I would tell his it was naff, but wouldn’t say ‘no’.

Similarly when I want something e.g I wanted to buy a bicycle, DH told me I’d never use it; that he doesn’t cycle and wasn’t about to start...so I didn’t buy one.

When I said I wanted an exercise bike, DH said it was a waste of money and I wouldn’t use it...I bought it anyway and he’s on it right now.

I think as long as a partner isn’t controlling, it’s important to listen to their views...they might be right...but it doesn’t mean you have to always do what they say and if you REALLY want something, then just get it.

A very sensible post.

Someone pointing out valid reasons why something isn’t a good idea, isn’t necessarily just being negative.

This is why ideally every woman would have the means and the willingness to leave the relationship if they're not respected and treated equally.

Not realistic for many of course, due to no fault of their own, and it's a shame because then unpleasant men can have leverage over the woman, and both fall into the pattern of him calling the shots.

Difficult because he does sound like a joy sponge.

However, I would say No to a trampoline because I hate them, I think they're dangerous and they're not toys.

I wouldn't want a tent, but as long as I'm not expected to use it, feel free.

No to chickens for a million reasons.

I don't like digital photo frames but it's not my money.

@Welshgal85

That’s ridiculous! Buying a trampoline isn’t the ‘height of selfishness’ ! I think you are being overly dramatic there! Trampolines do not guarantee broken bones for every child 😂

Thank you for saying this - what an exaggerated reaction.

"Height of selfishness" - really?

Two questions for you OP:
Does he ask for permission from you before he does things?
What does he say yes to?

My DH was a bit like your DH but I realised he thought if I was asking his opinion, I genuinely wanted it when really I just wanted him to support what I was saying. There's a difference.
You can't make someone want/like/be interested in the same stuff as you but you also don't need them to be. Chickens and a trampoline would both be a discussion in our house because they both have quite a big impact on garden space. A digital photo frame wouldn't be.
Start buying and doing what you want. If he's nice and genuine then he won't push back. If he's an arse, you'll see soon enough.