Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

I’m with him on the chickens, tent and trampoline. These are all things which will have a negative impact on him if he doesn’t want them too. But I can’t see any reason why you can’t have a digital photo frame, unless you were planning on displaying it somewhere where it will irritate him.

He says no because you ask, not tell, e.g. try "I've bought a digital photo frame for my bedside table"

Give him options if appropriate, "I'm choosing a tent, shall I make sure it has room for you or just the DC and me?"

@letsdolunch321

Can I ask OP what are you getting out of this relationship?

He is an amazing Dad, and keeps a roof over our heads. He just happens to be strongly opinionated.

I really appreciate all your replies. I'm such a fucking doormat.

@DenisetheMenace

“He said no to me planting daffodils bulbs but I went ahead anyway.”

Ok, changed my opinion. I could see reasonably rational arguments about the original ideas, but daffodil bulbs, that’s just weird. How could anyone object to that?

Ruins the grass apparently.

There is a difference between a no I can’t be bothered if it involves change or effort from me. How can you have a Strong view on a digital photo frame? You said you have own money so can’t be he thinks he gets to choose where all the money is spent.

@WonderLandWoman

I just don't think it will be a pleasant experience for me to do any of those things alone :-(

Alone? So, you wanted to trampoline with him? I think he's allowed to not want to do that.... 😄

Sadly that wouldn't be enough for me - keeping a roof over our heads.

Assuming you have children, a trampoline, camping tent and digital frame are hardly going to effect his life and well being. Chickens I think should be a joint decision.

Start changing the dynamics in your relationship. You don’t need to be confrontational. Just start doing things, buying things.
What would he say if you bought a digital frame or when you bought those daffodils?

That sounds miserable for you. Could you present the choices differently. Like, rather than 'shall we get a tent?' saying I am thinking we should get this tent or that tent - which do you think? Personally I dont think you should have to work that hard, but it may get you better results that any question he can say no to.

Have you told him how depressing it is? Has he always been like this? If not, is he depressed?

He just happens to be strongly opinionated

That in itself isn't the problem. Him expecting his opinion to be the last word on the matter is the problem.

This is all about him having the veto, how come he has that much control? You need to ask him to provide legitimate reasons for saying no, otherwise just do what you want. Your opinion is just as valid as his. Does he ask you before he buys anything? If he does, just say no to everything, even if you actually agree, let him see how miserable it is.

I’ve got to say my husband is a bit like this Op. I just do/buy what I want regardless. He works hard and is a bit stingy I work hard and I deserve to spend money how I see fit. He will come round to my way of thinking most times but his first reaction is mostly negative.

Easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Having an opinion is fine. Having the opinion, the only one which counts, isn't.

Photo frame: "I'm getting a photo frame. Do you want to help me choose it? "

The other things there may be legitimate objections to, but I can't imagine why anyone would veto a photo frame.

I wouldn't have even thought to mention buying a photo frame, I'd have just bought one if I wanted.

You don't need his permission to spend YOUR money, although I do think chickens should be a joint decision.

He wouldn’t jump on the trampoline, the kids would love it.
Tell him you are miserable and grumpy about every idea I have for us to have fun so if you haven’t come up with anything by next week I am going to assume you hate everything, one of us needs to create a life for our kids so I will do/buy whatever i think of as you will hate it no matter what, there’s no point asking you?

@letsdolunch321

Sadly that wouldn't be enough for me - keeping a roof over our heads.

Assuming you have children, a trampoline, camping tent and digital frame are hardly going to effect his life and well being. Chickens I think should be a joint decision.

I agree.

Daffodils don't ruin grass wtf chickens do though You can't keep living in this unhealthy dynamic, it would be a good idea to back up and really think when did all this 'permission' stuff rear it's head. Was he always like this? Does his/your parents have this dynamics? Did/does it stem from low self esteem (yourself) and why?

It would be interesting to know if he buys what he pleases with no consideration/approval from you.

I have chickens and didn’t ask my husband before I got them but I agree they are a bit smelly, messy and hard work but lovely. A decent coop is also expensive. I started with three and now have 8! At the moment it’s bird flu lockdown so not a good time to get them. It probably should be a joint decision but I would buy a digital photo frame, a trampoline and a tent if I wanted to. Don’t really ask my husbands opinion on stuff as he’s not that interested. I bought a new tumble dryer last week without asking him.

Omg what a miserable bastard! Seriously you know you can buy latulose from a chemist as he is that full shit.
Is he a good dad? ????? I wonder if the kids truly thought that ...

Try to fix your mindset that you don't need him to be involved in these things to make them happen. My partner can be a total fun sponge so sadly (and that is only for him that is) he misses out. I have taken my son on so many holidays and day trips. He gets sent smiling happy pictures of us. I have so many photo albums of our adventures and perhaps a handful of snaps of him with us. My partner had a miserable childhood and I think he just doesn't get the having fun side to things. But that doesn't mean everyone misses out. Keep making decisions and start telling him about them after the event. Dont let his negativity bring you down.

The chickens are a little different but everything else, permission is not needed for. You are a adult.

If you know his gonna moan, so what? Is it really that detrimental that he moans? Everyone moans, might as well have something you want from it.

Don’t ask permission anymore, how would you feel your daughter asking permission from her husband if she can have something mundane like a ducking photo frame!??

Wow he's hit the roof if I just bought a tumble dryer.
I've just said to him that I'd like to take the boys camping for a night on our field at the end of the road in the spring so I will improve the current 2 man tent with air beds and sleeping bags. One adult and two kids will fit in at a squash. I casually said that if he wants to join us, then let me know and I'll choose one of the 5 man tents that I've been looking at on-line.

*he'd

It's your money to do what you want with, so buy whatever you want with it that makes you happy. He sounds very miserable so just try to do something nice for yourself and the kids.