Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

He sounds like a miserable bastard. It's your money so do what you want

I think some people are focusing on tbe wrong things eg 'who's going to put up the tent?' "Trampolines are a H &sS risk."
I think the point is a
"Someone will give you a digital frame from freecycle" ( wtf!)
The point is about his attitude.
Op is going to want to buy something else next month, next year, next whenever and will have the same problem unless it is dealt with.

OP, really glad you have bought some of the stuff. I was going to say the photo frame and tent (provided you have space to store it) are not going to affect him. Chickens and trampoline would (take up too much room / too much responsibility unless you're agreed).

The concern here is that he thinks he's the boss of you and punishes you if you "defy" him. That's a very unhealthy dynamic. My husband didn't want a tumble drier (he does nearly all the laundry to be fair) as he prefers to dry stuff outside/on radiators. I thought I'd prefer to have one as a back up and bought a small one with my own money that fits on a bookshelf. I got a black one so it blended with the stereo equipment next to it. So whilst I took his views (that it would take up too much space or be an eyesore) into account, I got one because I wanted one, job done. (This week our heating had to be off as there's a leak and he's been very glad of the tumble drier, ha!)

It's really important that you stand up to him. He ought to be cha llenged to respect your wishes and feelings.

@WonderLandWoman

I really appreciate all your replies. I'm such a fucking doormat.

Please please please change your mental narrative.

You are not a "fucking doormat" and don't ever call yourself that again.

You are just living with someone who is what I call a joy sucker. That's a word I made up but I have experience of it. There are just some people who have a negative default setting and they just say no to everything. Even if you press them as to the reason, they can't even articulate why. They make life miserable.

You must learn to not rely on his enthusiasm or confirmation to do things that make you happy.

I suggest you categorise the things that you want to buy into buckets.

Chickens - definitely needs agreement as requires upkeep and maintenance and is a big commitment.

Photo frame - no brainer, I wouldn't even discuss this. Buy it. Enjoy it. Since you dont have the fun of choosing it with him, find a friend who is happy to go through all the choices with you so you can enjoy shopping for it and be excited when it comes. This is what I do. I find friends to run things past who engage with me, get excited with me and celebrate with me.

Trampoline - it's for the kids I assume. There is no question the kids will love it. Assuming you have space and can get someone to help you install it since misery guts probably won't help - get it. You know and I know the kids will love it and it will be well used. Get it and and if needed get a handy man to put it up and make sure it's secure. For mine, misery guts was dragging his feet. I asked other mum's who I knew had them as to safety features, styles and how to install it (got a handyman to help) and it got done.

Just get things done. Life is too short. Mr Miserable can join in when he's ready otherwise as you said - it's his loss.

I really empathise with you hence the long post - feel quite passionate for you. I wanted plants FOREVER and he just keep pissing on my ideas then I just got them and I love them and my kids help me look after them and we just ignore him. Life is too short.

I'm going to go against the grain here too as I'm not sure you're painting the full picture. You haven't really explained his side apart from the daffodils.

We all know people who like to jump on the latest trend or bandwagon they've seen on social media, or who get a buzz out of starting a new project or lifestyle (especially if they can show off to their friends on FB) and then the novelty wears off a bit later when it's proved to be too much like hard work. It must be awful being the partner of someone like that if you work hard all week, just want to chill at the weekend and your other half is nagging you to help them with this that or the other latest project or idea.

Sounds like you want to plant daffodils under the lawn. If maintaining the lawn his job then I'm with him I'm afraid. If it's your job, and you do all the mowing, weeding, reseeding then go for it but don't be involving him in any of it if it involves more work for him just because YOU fancy it because you saw Monty do it.

Chickens: make a mess/haven't got room/perhaps he's done more research than you and knows more about the issues with owning them & he thinks the novelty will wear off and he'll be left dealing with them? (I've no idea whether this is the dynamic at play here, but it might explain his seemingly "controlling" attitude).

Trampoline: Short-lived pleasure, novelty wears off for many kids. You're left with this huge thing in the way in the garden that people hardly ever use and it's a big faff to get rid of. Adds to the massive problem of non-biodegradable STUFF on the planet.

Tent: Is he into camping? Does he get dragged a long on camping trips under sufferance while he does all the difficult jobs while you sit there playing with the kids or sunbathing with a gin and tonic and instagramming your perfect family outdoorsy life? Do you have plenty of storage for the tent and all the other paraphernalia or is stuff falling out of wardrobes etc.

Digital photo frame: not sure why he's saying he doesn't want this, unless it's going to be huge, or you're not great with technology so will expect him to set it all up and download all the photos onto it etc.

I'm not saying any of that is what the situation is. But it COULD be, at least to some extent, and could be the reason why he appears to say no to everything. We don't know if he pays for all the bills while you spend all your money on these relative frivolities. We don't know if you're just blasting through your inheritance on things which he feels are shortlived pleasures whereas he thought you might have put some aside for your children's future etc etc.

Can I just make it clear, again, before anyone jumps in and says the usual "oh you're really projecting/making assumptions/reading so much into it that isn't there" - I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF THIS IS THE CASE. But I do know that people are very quick to jump on one partner, usually the man, and say how controlling they are, without knowing the full picture from both sides.

Just because someone 'keeps a roof over your head', doesnt mean they own you and get to be the final say on everything. Hes a partner, not your keeper/parent.

Some people just moan. I think you should ignore a large proportion of it and stop giving his opinion so much attention if hes just going to start believing hes actually the boss.

Assuming youre not frightened of him of course, which is a different matter.

Chickens l get, not the rest.

No problems with tents, daffodils or trampolines. Life is about fun sometimes.

People can be paid to do things. A trampoline set into the ground would be safest and I'm sure there's a gardening/handyman company that can do this for you.
If you want to go camping and he doesn't want to put it up, why not go to a site where the tent is already up? Or get a tent that's pop up that you can easily do without him?
Does your partner like anything? OP? He sounds like a killjoy.

Buy him a tent and tell him to fuck off.

@Alwayscheerful

With chickens come rats With trampoline come A & E visits Tents , will you put it up?

Digital Photo frame - your decision no need to ask. I see them all the time free on Freecycle , I am sure someone will give you one.

Is your username meant to be ironic?

If it was me a big proportion of cash would be invested in my future. long term savings / pension something locked it in so it can only be accessed for my benefit
I would spend a bit on what I wanted (picture frame, clothes, robot hoover just do it)

I think we all too often use our money as family money & the partner would use a similar type of money for a car / xbox/own interest

Don't ask if you can get them, ask him which ones to get instead, if you really want him involved. Maybe you may get different reaction.

My dad is a bit like this and he really isn’t abusive. Some people don’t want chickens, tents or trampolines and I don’t think that is too unusual. We don’t know the wider context: my dad is caring, loving and kind; he just doesn’t like spending money! Both my mum and dad share their money and always have, whether it’s an inheritance or whatever and they make joint decisions on big spends. Always have. Yes, dad is reluctant, but compromises are often made between th two of them and it was kind of nice to see them work things out together. it’s also taught me and my sister the value of money now we are adults with our own families.

Me and DH both got inheritances recently from our grandparents and we never even thought of it an ‘my’ money, only ‘ours’.

I’m just trying to show the other side of this as I think encouraging the OP to leave is extreme!

Get a new husband, life's too short

digital photo frames are great, all those photos from last week and ten years ago randomly appearing

(Misses the point(

Some of those refusals sound reasonable, but I don't understand why you'd even bother asking about the photo frame and daffodils.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

I'm going to go against the grain here too as I'm not sure you're painting the full picture. You haven't really explained his side apart from the daffodils.

We all know people who like to jump on the latest trend or bandwagon they've seen on social media, or who get a buzz out of starting a new project or lifestyle (especially if they can show off to their friends on FB) and then the novelty wears off a bit later when it's proved to be too much like hard work. It must be awful being the partner of someone like that if you work hard all week, just want to chill at the weekend and your other half is nagging you to help them with this that or the other latest project or idea.

Sounds like you want to plant daffodils under the lawn. If maintaining the lawn his job then I'm with him I'm afraid. If it's your job, and you do all the mowing, weeding, reseeding then go for it but don't be involving him in any of it if it involves more work for him just because YOU fancy it because you saw Monty do it.

Chickens: make a mess/haven't got room/perhaps he's done more research than you and knows more about the issues with owning them & he thinks the novelty will wear off and he'll be left dealing with them? (I've no idea whether this is the dynamic at play here, but it might explain his seemingly "controlling" attitude).

Trampoline: Short-lived pleasure, novelty wears off for many kids. You're left with this huge thing in the way in the garden that people hardly ever use and it's a big faff to get rid of. Adds to the massive problem of non-biodegradable STUFF on the planet.

Tent: Is he into camping? Does he get dragged a long on camping trips under sufferance while he does all the difficult jobs while you sit there playing with the kids or sunbathing with a gin and tonic and instagramming your perfect family outdoorsy life? Do you have plenty of storage for the tent and all the other paraphernalia or is stuff falling out of wardrobes etc.

Digital photo frame: not sure why he's saying he doesn't want this, unless it's going to be huge, or you're not great with technology so will expect him to set it all up and download all the photos onto it etc.

I'm not saying any of that is what the situation is. But it COULD be, at least to some extent, and could be the reason why he appears to say no to everything. We don't know if he pays for all the bills while you spend all your money on these relative frivolities. We don't know if you're just blasting through your inheritance on things which he feels are shortlived pleasures whereas he thought you might have put some aside for your children's future etc etc.

Can I just make it clear, again, before anyone jumps in and says the usual "oh you're really projecting/making assumptions/reading so much into it that isn't there" - I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF THIS IS THE CASE. But I do know that people are very quick to jump on one partner, usually the man, and say how controlling they are, without knowing the full picture from both sides.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Particularly the last few lines.

@YoniAndGuy

I really wish people would stop with threads where they describe mean, uncaring, overbearing, bossy, aggressive, nitpicking, selfish, and often downright abusive men, and then finish with ‘He’s an amazing Dad!!’

None of these type of people can possibly be amazing, or even good, parents.

They would be the LAST kind of person I’d want my child learning from, having to live with through childhood, having their experiences curtailed, having to learn to please, watching their female parent be controlled and stifled and disrespected, seeing that dynamic. A bloody awful father.

Presumably you mean he’s not actively unpleasant to them, is ok with doing tasks related to them, doesn’t hit them, and does the jolly uncle ho-ho-ho thing when he’s not busy ripping you down in front of them?

He’s a SHIT DAD.

This times a million. He’s not an “amazing dad”. Controlling people don’t just control one person in their life, they try to control anyone they are able to, and children are especially vulnerable to this. What makes you think that shitting on every idea to make things fun for your children constitutes an amazing dad? It will have a lasting impact on them OP, I guarantee it.

@WonderLandWoman

I'm overwhelmed by the responses - thank you so much! I've got a lot to think about and a few dynamics in my relationship to work on. I'm happy to say that I've just purchased a 4 man tent! We choose it together from the two I shortlisted after lots of research. And I've also now purchased a digital photo frame. I will just put it up in the living room and be really happy to have it, and will ignore any moaning.

On the whole I'm sympathetic but a constantly changing photo would drive me nuts.

So he came round to the tent, that's good.

I spent 15 years with a man like this and it nearly destroyed me. I went from being optimistic, imaginative, full of ideas, drive and hope, all of which I wanted to share with my ‘life partner’ to being depressed, frustrated and lacking the confidence to make the simplest of decisions. It is controlling behavior and that kind of joyless, negative control can be very damaging. I summoned up the last of my strength to leave the home that I loved and start a new life, having got to the point where I could no longer bear to be in the same room as him. Life has not been easy since but I could never envisage living negatively like that again, with all hope and confidence in life snuffed out. I’d have a good long think about your future OP xx

@Hont1986

Some of those refusals sound reasonable, but I don't understand why you'd even bother asking about the photo frame and daffodils.

This.

OP-is he negative about absolutely everything you suggest? If so, is that a new thing or has he always been like that? I think you need a frank discussion about how it makes you feel. My DH can be a bit of a mood hoover but I told him it made me not want to tell him anything nice because he was like a dementor and sucked the joy out of it, and he was really shocked-he’s much better these days.

What would he say if he read your post? Would he be hurt but agree he can be rather negative? Or would be say that wasn’t fair and he had really good reasons for those comments, eg he didn’t want to clean up after chickens, thought trampolines in the garden were a particular risk because of X and hated camping because of years as a Boy Scout etc?!

I guess only you know, but I’m sure something that be done. If he’s always been like this, I’m not sure he’s going to change, but that probably isn’t a shock to you as you married him despite it. If it’s a new thing, talk to him. If he is just giving reasons why he doesn’t want these things, then he’s allowed to do that. I wouldn’t want chickens, a trampoline or a tent either! I do want to know where you are planting the bulbs that ruins the grass though??

Any husband that brought home chicken, fish or any other live stock without consultation with the wife would not meet with my approval.

Ditto for the trampoline and tent (i would hope you can all do things on holidays that you all enjoy)

That being said, flowers and digital frames? That's pushing it. Negativity can be very draining in a person. Perhaps you need to dig deeper into his reasons for a "no" to everything.

So, get the things that bring you joy and don't affect his life.

@pantherrose

I spent 15 years with a man like this and it nearly destroyed me. I went from being optimistic, imaginative, full of ideas, drive and hope, all of which I wanted to share with my ‘life partner’ to being depressed, frustrated and lacking the confidence to make the simplest of decisions. It is controlling behavior and that kind of joyless, negative control can be very damaging. I summoned up the last of my strength to leave the home that I loved and start a new life, having got to the point where I could no longer bear to be in the same room as him. Life has not been easy since but I could never envisage living negatively like that again, with all hope and confidence in life snuffed out. I’d have a good long think about your future OP xx

I am glad you found the courage to leave.

Can't add anything that hasn't already been said @WonderLandWoman but you do have my sympathy. I agree with the many posters here, saying your husband is a miserable sod. Also, he is flat out controlling your moods...

I have known a few women with a man like this; Eg, a woman I used to work with lived with her boyfriend, and he would NEVER have any Christmas decorations up, or a tree. She wanted one but he would have none of it. Seven years she was with him (five years living together,) before she had the sense to leave him.

I also knew a woman whose husband refused to have bedding plants in the garden, or flowers of any kind, as they looked stupid apparently!

There are many other examples, from these women, AND a few other women I have known, and I never understood why HIS wishes always trumped hers.

I don't recall ever seeing a man being told by a woman that HE can't do what he wants in his OWN HOME.