Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

As a few others have said, save the money for starting a new life WITHOUT him.
Stop living this miserable existence, with him sucking the joy out of your life.
The relief and calm you will feel when he isn’t around will be priceless.

I agree with others about the chickens, I want them DH doesn’t so we don’t have chickens. They have been discussed though and DH is probably right in that on cold days he would probably be looking after them.

Does your DH run all his purchases past you? If you both have veto to this degree it’s not so bad as if it just works one way, but still not exactly healthy imho.

If there are money worries and you are struggling financially then I would understand being so careful financially, but otherwise I agree with others this is very unhealthy and you need to stand up for yourself and get help if you can’t. A digital photo and bulbs may not be to everyone’s taste but they are reversible decisions and don’t cost a fortune.

The tent is only worth getting it if it’s going to be used a lot so would warrant a discussion and only you know if it’s worth it to your family. Likewise only you know how much space and money you have for a tumble drier.

I agree with him about the chickens. If you want a tumble dryer and have your own money then but one, same with things for your children.
He sounds like my ex fil. Refused to have a dishwasher because "he already has one, his wife." Yet would just go and buy any labour saving devices for himself ie car equipment or garden equipment.

He is an amazing Dad,

No he isn’t.

An “amazing dad” doesn’t bully his kids mother like this

It's his attitude and habit of behaviour that's the problem.

He's not 'opinionated' he's relentlessly negative and oppressive.

The things you mention though, in our house those would all be joint decisions and would almost all be a no. We wouldn't be putting the other person's ideas down as a matter of habit though, so there wouldn't be this expectation or experience of 'no'.

(Sure, have a digital frame on your desk but if it's going on the wall, that's a joint thing and they're not to my taste. Daffodils, lovely but not in the lawn thanks. Trampoline, similar. Chickens, similar and they'll dig up the whole garden. Tent, well we have one but I understand some people don't like camping and holidays are joint decisions).

So it's not the things its the habit and the attitude.

@HandyBendySandy

Blimey I've just realised that my DH is a bit like this. He doesn't "say no" exactly, just puts an obstacle in front of everything or is negative about it. I haven't planted daffodils even though I wanted to, he just kept putting me off (they're a pain to mow, you'll never get them in that hard ground, a planting tool costs £40 blah blah blah) so I missed my chance every year!

I'd get my own way if I pushed hard enough, I just can't be arsed most of the time. I'm lazy and non-confrontational so if it's of average importance to me, I get a bit passive aggressive until he comes around. If it's really important I just do it.

I just considered paying £13 for a vegetable slicer to make a couple of prep tasks easier - then thought of the response (when's the last time you chopped vegetables, this takes up too much space, what's wrong with a knife, this is shit etc) and didn't bother.

I sympathise - but my DH isn't a monster, he just likes being bloody right and saying I told you so. Try getting tougher!

This is exactly it...!!

I would want to know his reasons for objecting. That is fine for him to object if he has a good reason, but he shouldn’t get to have the last say when it’s your cash.

Chickens are messy and hard work-I wouldn’t want them either.
A tumble drier-in my last house we just didn’t have room. That is a reason enough. What was his? Expensive to use? Who does the washing?
If my DH wanted a family tent I would say it was a rate of money as I hate camping and don’t want to go!
Bulbs are lovely. How do they ruin the grass-surely they go in the flower bed, not in the grass? I mow the lawn and if DH planted bulbs in the middle of it, that would be really annoying. I think more detail is needed here about WHY he’s saying no.

A digital photo frame? That is £30 and no I wouldn’t even tell him I’d ordered it!

If he’s a grumpy sod who is just generally negative about small things you want-don’t tell him. If he’s got valid reasons why you doing things isn’t a good idea (bulbs in the grass, expensive family tent when he doesn’t want to go) then discuss it.

I quite like the idea of the tent for overnight adventures (especially given you have use of a field!) as a symbol of freedom.

Would you really be able to fit three people, with inflatable mattresses, in a two-man? Can you and the DCs put up a family tent (of course you can with practice)?

I do understand you OP, my ex was the same. And if I dared to get anything without running it passed him first for the OK he would endlessly berate me and the object I had purchased. On a couple of occasions he actually broke something that I had bought that he didnt agree with. 'Accidentally' of course.

He is an ex for many reasons but this is one of them. And since then I am happier and the kids and I can do whatever we want and go whereever we want, and once lockdown has finished we will!

I’d buy double of everything he didn’t want. Just to annoy him. And I’d make sure l got a top of the range tumble dryer too!!!

If money was no object

I know my dad says no to my mum a lot but its because she cant do things for herself. Eg if she'd wanted a tent he wouldnt have wanted to go camping but mum wouldnt have gone without him and would have expected him to put the tent up while she sat and watched

Same if she'd wanted chickens dad would have had to do all the work and mum would have collected the eggs

So I dont see my dad as a monster for saying no sometimes

It’s not his money. Why does he have any say in how it’s spent? Do what you want with it.

I'm overwhelmed by the responses - thank you so much! I've got a lot to think about and a few dynamics in my relationship to work on.
I'm happy to say that I've just purchased a 4 man tent! We choose it together from the two I shortlisted after lots of research.
And I've also now purchased a digital photo frame. I will just put it up in the living room and be really happy to have it, and will ignore any moaning.

@Peanutbutterblood

I know my dad says no to my mum a lot but its because she cant do things for herself. Eg if she'd wanted a tent he wouldnt have wanted to go camping but mum wouldnt have gone without him and would have expected him to put the tent up while she sat and watched

Same if she'd wanted chickens dad would have had to do all the work and mum would have collected the eggs

So I dont see my dad as a monster for saying no sometimes

Yes, this is a very fair point. If the OP wants things that the DH has a good reason for not wanting to do (it is fine to not want chickens or to go camping-I would hate both!) that is ok.

If your DH is like this though...

if I dared to get anything without running it passed him first for the OK he would endlessly berate me and the object I had purchased. On a couple of occasions he actually broke something that I had bought that he didnt agree with. 'Accidentally' of course.

Then you have a very different problem on your hands.

What is going on-what are his reasons?

@WonderLandWoman The examples you have cited are very telling. They represent a kind of idealised family life that he is not buying into, and is actively preventing you from enjoying.

Would he feature in the photos in the digital frame?

I have no idea why you'd tolerate this miserable existence, is he kind, loving, and supportive otherwise or are there other issues in your relationship?

What an incredibly sad thread this is. I cant quite believe that there are marriages still in operation out there where the wife has to get permission to buy trivial stuff? What is going on? Its very upsetting to hear this. OP you have a voice, you have a mind, you have a right to plant daffodil bulbs without retribution and buy a digital photo frame without argument. Have you re read your post and the subsequent answers? Has the penny dropped yet of this level of control your husband has over you?

@WonderLandWoman

I'm overwhelmed by the responses - thank you so much! I've got a lot to think about and a few dynamics in my relationship to work on. I'm happy to say that I've just purchased a 4 man tent! We choose it together from the two I shortlisted after lots of research. And I've also now purchased a digital photo frame. I will just put it up in the living room and be really happy to have it, and will ignore any moaning.

Well done OP!

Money for counselling is a really, really good idea OP.
On the surface you could say big decisions, yeah he should get a say, others have suggested he may have anxiety etc BUT if it isn't just things that affect him and he IS controlling your decisions, leaving you miserable and walking on eggshells it really is a good idea to go and talk to someone on the outside that can help you to see if you are in a healthy relationship and how YOU actually feel. You are important OP and your feelings are valid too.

@PanamaPattie

Why are you with him? Use your money to start an escape fund.

This

Does he ask your permission for everyone he buys? No? I thought not.

Not sure what you're getting out of this relationship, and I'm sure the kids are well aware of the horrendous dynamics in your relationship.

He's a bully and control freak! I'd hate to hear what he's like in bed!

Planting Daffodils! Never heard anything like it. Well not in a "normal" relationship.

Are you allowed to buy clothes?

'strongly opinionated'? No. He's just controlling.

My husband can be like this.He's lovely but as we get older he is less and less fun as he doesnt want to do anything.I've ended up doing it anyway-just me and the kids.We went to a family friendly festival 2 years ago with MY tent and camping gear without him.Had the best time ever and he would have ruined it by not enjoying it.Went camping last year without him.I decorate the house without involving him because he will make it into a massive big deal.I stopped asking him to come to gigs years ago which was hard because when we met we went to lots.So..I say just do it anyway and explain it's things you enjoy with your money.

I would never even think to ask my husband permission to buy a photo frame! Chickens fair enough, they are quite a commitment and would affect the whole family but wrt the other stuff, just order it! Does he run all of his purchases past you first?

It’s your money do what you want with it. He has no right to dictate what you can and can’t do with YOUR money. if he moans about it, so be it, he’ll get over it.