Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

[missingeu]

Having been married to man who doesn't like change unless it's his change. I've learnt through bitter experience not to ask his opinion or thoughts unless it's major or impact us both and if it's my money to go ahead and get it.

If it's your money (even if it isn't) buy the tent, trampoline etc. Enjoy the moments you have with them.

Build up resislience to his nos and ignore the sullks. Otherwise the no will be progress.

[Gilly12345]

Chickens yes I can see are a joint decision but a trampoline and digital photo frame is a different issue, why do you let him have so much control with small decisions? If it your money then buy what you like.

[Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst]

@PanamaPattie

Excellent idea re escape fund

I agree @WonderLandWoman you need to leave him if he's that bloody miserable, what's the point???

[TatianaBis]

Similarly when I want something e.g I wanted to buy a bicycle, DH told me I’d never use it; that he doesn’t cycle and wasn’t about to start...so I didn’t buy one.

When I said I wanted an exercise bike, DH said it was a waste of money and I wouldn’t use it...I bought it anyway and he’s on it right now.

If you’d bought an ordinary bike you might have used that, how do you know he’s right about that? It’s a lot more fun than an exercise bike.

If I wanted to buy a bike, an exercise bike, a digital frame I would. These are not like buying a pet which does need family input.

[boobot1]

@PickAChew

Why do you need his permission?

Exactly, don't even tell him, just do it.

[MolotovMocktail]

@Twinkie01

You have to make him think it's his idea. Plant the seed, it will grow and he'll propose your idea to you as if he was sooooo clever and thought of it all along.

It's an art. Get brochures, leave them around, huff and puff when carrying out difficult tasks that a certain gadget will make easier and say I don't know why this is so difficult.

You can even drop in that a friend of yours has so and so, her husband didn't like it but they now both agree it's changed their lives.

It's an art. Subtle manipulation playing up to their male ego.

It makes me so sad that women still think like this and give out this sort of advice. How about men learn not to behave like twats and get pulled up when they do, rather than pandering to their pathetic attempts to be the big man who makes the decisions as the head of the household. This sort of advice serves nobody.

[Yorkshirehillbilly]

STBXH was like this. As a result our house was undecorated for years as any paint colour or suggestion would be overruled. He would change my music in the car when I was driving as my taste was crap apparently. He never planned a single holiday for the kids and would moan constantly when we went. He would be negative about any of my choices. Even my kids copied it and would say how can you listen to this etc like the music police. My kids were not going to grow up belittling my every choice. When we split it was liberating. I redecorated and he now comments how great the house looks - turns out my taste wasnt so awful afterall. I took the kids camping solo with a group of friends and on holiday abroad creating loads of lovely memories. He was a fun-sucker and I don't miss it at all. Interestingly my friends were all wow you are so amazing to take the kids camping on your own I'd be far too scared to do anything like that. These were highly educated women who travelled the world in their 20's who now felt unable to look after their own kids in a tent. The problem with only doing stuff your partner likes and only doing stuff together and being constantly undermined or overruled is that you do lose confidence to do stuff on your own terms and trust your own judgment. He's your partner not your parent. You shouldnt have to miss out on stuff that makes you happy or makes the kids happy to keep him happy. He should want you to do things you enjoy.

[Beforethetakingoftoastandtea]

I couldnt live with someone who sucks the joy out of life.

[MamaNell]

My mum used to take us camping on her own without our moaning Dad. It was great, we all had a brill chilled out time. Do it! And don't look back x

[cherryolives]

@MyDcAreMarvel Chickens I would not want in my garden either.

I never knew Yoda had a garden.

[wishywashywoowoo70]

I bought a car once with my own money on my own. My DH was put out i hadn't discussed it with him first. He has his own car and it has bugger all to do with him.
I don't need a man to help me pick a car I certainly wouldn't ask permission for a photo frame or some daffy. Chickens are a different matter mind.

[Ninkanink]

It makes me so sad that women still think like this and give out this sort of advice. How about men learn not to behave like twats and get pulled up when they do, rather than pandering to their pathetic attempts to be the big man who makes the decisions as the head of the household. This sort of advice serves nobody.

Yes.

[rc22]

If he doesn't want chickens then I wouldn't buy chickens as it should be a joint decision. The same with the family tent unless you would be happy to go on a camping holiday without him. I would say just buy the trampoline and digital photo frame if you want to.

[Iamnotmad]

Do what you want. If nothing else it's an act of self-assertion.

[Beforethetakingoftoastandtea]

@wishywashywoowoo70

I bought a car once with my own money on my own. My DH was put out i hadn't discussed it with him first. He has his own car and it has bugger all to do with him.
I don't need a man to help me pick a car I certainly wouldn't ask permission for a photo frame or some daffy. Chickens are a different matter mind.

I once went to to buy a brand new car for me with my money and asked a salesman at the showroom about one and he replied by asking whether it was my decision or would I need my husband. This was 2008 by the way, not 1958.

[combatbarbie]

I find it telling when asked why are you with him all you said was he's a good dad and puts a roof over our heads.

[Topseyt]

@MyDcAreMarvel

Buying a trampoline in a pandemic is the hight of selfishness. No net is going to prevent broken bones.
Chickens I would not want in my garden either.

What complete and utter bollocks. It helps kids to stay amused and exercised in their own gardens. Gardens are for enjoying, including by the children. You could have a fall while going out for a walk and break a limb but I don't see you saying that going out for a walk is selfish.

The only thing I would be looking to get agreement on from the examples OP has mentioned would be chickens. They would require input from everyone to look after and so everyone needs to be on board.

Tents - I am not interested in camping but we do have a smallish two man one. The DDs used it for fun in the garden when they were young and DD1 has since used it at a couple of music festivals. I also wouldn't have objected if DH and the DDs had ever wanted to go camping for a few days without me.

I see you have ordered a tent now, and so you should if you and your children want it. DH may or may not tag along at the time. However, they don't have to break the bank and he isn't obliged to come camping if he doesn't want to.

Daffodils and digital picture frames are the sort of small things that it wouldn't even occur to me to consult about.

[Howshouldibehave]

OP-is the tent one that you intend to use to take the DC away in on your own?

Or would you only go with DH?

[Whatisthisfuckery]

I used to be married to one like this. It will go as follows:

1. You’ll feel sad and upset because he refuses to do anything/go anywhere/criticises things you like etc but you’ll suck it up for a quiet life.
   

1. You will push back, he’ll make things difficult so you’ll largely give up.
   

1. You’ll start to lose confidence and your identity because everything you like is criticised and belittled, you’re made to feel stupid and you don’t get out or do much. You’ll probably also not have many or any friends.
   

1. You will start feeling resentful at all you’ve missed and all you’re missing but you’ll feel powerless because you’ve become a shadow of yourself due to his criticism and belittling of things you like. You will feel as if you have no identity of your own.
   

1. Then you’ll get to the being desperate to leave part, which is a whole list of its own.
   

Honestly people like this don’t ever change. They’ll suck the life out of you until you are just a shell of your former self.

[Mum4Fergus]

Stop asking him.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Twinkie01

You have to make him think it's his idea. Plant the seed, it will grow and he'll propose your idea to you as if he was sooooo clever and thought of it all along.

It's an art. Get brochures, leave them around, huff and puff when carrying out difficult tasks that a certain gadget will make easier and say I don't know why this is so difficult.

You can even drop in that a friend of yours has so and so, her husband didn't like it but they now both agree it's changed their lives.

It's an art. Subtle manipulation playing up to their male ego.

And thus, the patriarchy and the entitlement of some men is perpetuated for years to come.

Ffs.

Treating the menfolk like a homogenous group with set wants and needs doesn't do anything to progress feminism.

Working with a partner as an equal means treating them as an individual, not applying a broad 'men need an ego stroke' attitude to all men as if that somehow makes pandering to their ego acceptable.

Stop teaching girls and women that boys and men are mean but it's our job to help them be decent and kind.

It is not the responsibility of a female to trick a man into being decent.

If you're with a man who isn't naturally decent... you're with the wrong man.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

@Whatisthisfuckery - do you know me...??

My last 10 years to a T!! 🤣🤣

[DBML]

@TatianaBis

Similarly when I want something e.g I wanted to buy a bicycle, DH told me I’d never use it; that he doesn’t cycle and wasn’t about to start...so I didn’t buy one.

When I said I wanted an exercise bike, DH said it was a waste of money and I wouldn’t use it...I bought it anyway and he’s on it right now.

If you’d bought an ordinary bike you might have used that, how do you know he’s right about that? It’s a lot more fun than an exercise bike.

If I wanted to buy a bike, an exercise bike, a digital frame I would. These are not like buying a pet which does need family input.

I should have explained better. I wouldn’t go on my own. I wanted us all to get bikes.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

I can only echo what most other posters have said. Some men (yeah I know, but to illustrate this example - men) do this as a not so subtle form of control. My ex bil was a master of it, whatever my sis wanted to do he didn’t, or he’d sabotage it, wore her and dc down. Even my df, on the whole a lovely man did this sometimes, eg didn’t like my dm wearing black. After he died she went and bought black shoes and bag.
Actually I’ll go back on my use of men as an example-my half sisters mother was like this. So was her mother. Pushed sis away and made her rebel.

[MsTSwift]

You should have got one and gone cycling with your mates. It’s good fun and good exercise.

Women get too enmeshed in their families you can do stuff yourself and without reference to them. Otherwise when kids go you will be lost.