Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

My dh says this about me and I say this about him lol. I just do stuff when he says no. Difference is he shuts up quite quickly. It sounds as though yours wouldn’t. I’m talking about things like buying a trampoline and pool on the patio for dd.

I think it’s seriously weird and controlling your husband thinks he has a right to tell you how to spend your Christmas money and inheritance. However, unless he would sabotage a trampoline by slicing a hole in the jump mat or get abusive / aggressive, I also think you would do well to own your part of being passive in this situation. The more you buy the things you or your dcs want / need then tut and eye roll at him when they arrive, the less control he will have over your decisions.

I’m not seeking to victim blame here btw. You’ve openly admitted you’re a doormat.

Thinking about it in the miserable one when it comes to holidays, I love holidays but worry about the cost and always want to go a step down, husband is more sod if we can afford the nicer way of doing this...and just cracks on and books it. He’s right.

Can't believe the amount of times I've read he's such a great father because he puts a roof over our heads. Actually no he's not. Look at how your living your life scared to make a decision on anything as small as buying a tent with your own money. You need to reevaluate your life and ask yourself do you want to live like this for the rest of your life.

He sounds really difficult to live with, it’s not about the chickens or the trampoline, it’s about you having autonomy to make decisions without him being grumpy or moody with you

I should learn to not read posts like this so early in the morning. They make me so sad. Why are so many people setting their bar do low?

Relationships are supposed to halve the amount of shit and double the amount of fun in life for each person. He doesn't sound like fun at all.

For fucks sake, why would he 'hit the roof' if you bought a tumble dryer?

He sounds really difficult to live with, it’s not about the chickens or the trampoline, it’s about you having autonomy to make decisions without him being grumpy or moody with you

If my OH got chickens without my agreement I would be grumpy and moody.

My DH is a bit like this. Not as extreme but essentially if we discuss something, his view is the final view and if he's against it, it doesn't happen. If he does choose something it takes him years. It took us literally 3 years to buy a house.

When we were younger everything was his taste, from bedcovers to cars. He paid for it and I am a natural people pleaser. Over the years I've regained a bit of control, especially since having kids as I choose everything for them now and that's most of what we buy.

I've learned that he has very high standards and doesn't like change or making quick decisions. I like an easy life and to make people happy. Sometimes that's ok and sometimes not. It doesn't make either of us a bad person. As the years have gone on we've both learned to adapt a bit to each other and still manage to just about muddle through with making decisions that we're both happy with.

That said, a photo frame, tumble dryer or camping trip with your DC should definitely not be opposed by him. That's shit.

It would make me want to go and buy something really big and mental just to see him splutter like a hot tub or a combine harvester.

Tell him. Eg go and buy bulbs and plant them and just say I’m going out to plant the daffodil bulbs last week. Or I have brought a photo frame with my money I got for Christmas.
Does he consult you on what he wants to get?

I know how you feel, my husband always gives me a hundred reasons why we can’t improve our home . He has no interest in the garden, decorating and always makes excuses why it’s a bad idea to get things done. It’s a nightmare as my ex husband loved improving our home and it was one of the few things I liked about him

@somuddled
Completely agree.

Tell him. Eg go and buy bulbs and plant them and just say I’m going out to plant the daffodil bulbs last week. Or I have brought a photo frame with my money I got for Christmas.

Why tell him? She doesn't have to report her purchases.
I wouldn't even think to mention if I bought some daffodil bulbs or a photo frame, OH probably wouldn't even notice.

I know how you feel, my husband always gives me a hundred reasons why we can’t improve our home . He has no interest in the garden, decorating and always makes excuses why it’s a bad idea to get things done.

Then don't tell him. Just do it. My OH has little interest in these things either, I don't even discuss it with him. Just crack on.

Ok chickens I get , but a photo frame ???
This man has beaten down your confidence so much you dont feel like you can purchase a 10 ×8 piece of plastic independently.
Think about that .

@WonderLandWoman

I just don't think it will be a pleasant experience for me to do any of those things alone :-(

LTB

My ex was like this. It would be an automatic no whatever it was I was asking or suggesting. It was exhausting and extremely unfair on me and the children (since most of the time what I was suggesting would have benefited the kids or simply made them happy). I ended up being made to feel mad. He would make me even scrutinise the need for feeling happy, what's the point, why bother etc.
I've since learnt a) I was in an abusive relationship and b) his attitude stemmed from his sexist views that he was "in charge" in the relationship. Men with views like that won't change their attitude as its inbuilt and part of their value system.

You shouldn't have to live your life without the freedom to make decisions.

*WonderLandWoman

I just don't think it will be a pleasant experience for me to do any of those things alone :-(*

What does that mean?
You want him to enjoy your photo frame? You want him to be enthusiastic about your chickens?
I'm afraid I would find no pleasure in either of these things.

Use the money for a shithot lawyer. Don’t ask him though.

I dont understand the comment about it not being a pleasant experience to do those things alone, are you quite dependent on him?

The photo frame, just buy it, my husband wouldnt want any involvement as he doesn't appreciate those things.

We have chickens, they're really for the dc and I and they are work. DH occasionally makes a snarky comment if he has to feed them or something but generally he doesn't have too much to do with them. Does your dh think he'll end up doing all the work?

I wouldn't buy a trampoline without speaking to dh as 1) it would take up a chuck of our garden and 2) I'd expect his help to set it up

My ex husband was like this, drained the fun out of everything. Now I do what I like.

Well I agree on the chickens, and bigger tent is pointless if he’s not going to use it with you. But I would go ahead with the trampoline and the digital camera.

That sounds miserable 😔
It's all very well posters saying just do it anyway but it is very wearing living with constant resistance, even the strongest personality can fade.

In all honesty, he isn't going to change. People don't change unless the motivation is very strong and support is in place. It doesn't sound as though either of these are part of your story.

Can you imagine talking to him about how miserable it makes you and how you want things to be different, and that it is actually becoming a deal breaker?

Don’t ask his opinion in the future and buy what you want.

Oh this thread reminds me of my very own fun sponge. Although Mr Fun Sponge as I call DH, is only really bad at the moment because of the anxiety over lockdown. There has always been a tiny inner fun sponge and I am far more lax when it comes to spontaneous purchases or days out. He over plans everything and worries about everything.

I just steamroll over the fun sponginess and drag him along out of his comfort zone. Invariably he ends up enjoying himself and apologises. I tell the kids daddy is suffering from the lockdown like all of us in his own way. But we don’t pander to it and we shouldn’t get angry at him.

He knows I expect him to seek help after the lockdown after he admitted he had anxiety issues. The fact he acknowledged that is enough for me to grin and bear it.

Do you think OP that your DH may have similar anxiety issues? Perhaps an honest chat without accusations may help. Perhaps he is concerned about losing his job and his concerns over spending are linked to this?

Good luck.

There is a world of difference between having strong opinions and being controlling/ bullying.

Are you happy to be controlled like this?