Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

That is awful OP. Have you seen this from The Freedom Program?

Sorry other image didn’t load

Here’s the site address if you want to take a look - it’s completely free

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's amazing how sulking and grumping can control another's life so severely. He's not really opinionated as his opinion is the only one that matters and it is the law in your house.

You're not a teenager. Stop asking him about these things and just do it.

Buy yourself a good pair of earplugs to tune out his grumping. Then you can just repeat, that's nice dear, yes dear over and over.

You're not spending 10k on a weekend cycling trip for yourself or some other expensive selfish things like men do.

The chickens. Get a couple. It's not like he's going to be taking care of them, as you will be. Get your coup and fencing all set up securely and get yourself some.

Get the trampoline and you and the DC can have a blast jumping on it.

ive tried to include you in stuff..do you think you get to hold us back??

I've taken them all round the world since we split up.

Same with me and DS. It's brilliant.

Buy the things you want to buy.

Also buy earplugs.

Tell him if he criticises you that you are truly sorry you ever gave him the impression you welcomed his negativity. Ask him why he thought you asked for his opinion.

I’d start with the digital photo frame and work up, buy one thing a week or a fortnight. He sounds like a total drainer. I’d tell him so, too.

You do not have to do research or prepare persuasive arguments.

Don't buy the tent or any of the other stuff.

Find a therapist for yourself instead, and unlearn the self defeating habits you have developed. Get yourself back off the plate you keep on handing to this man. Figure out if you want to stay with this great dad and provider who is happy to take the plate you offer.

I kind of agreed with the chickens, hard hard work, make a mess and could be expensive with vets bills, bedding etc also tying if you want to go away.

I wouldn’t mind the tent if I wasn’t expected to camp.

The trampoline is mean.

Daffodils? He’s nuts

Tumble dryer? LT controlling B

@HandyBendySandy I might be planting my daffodil bulbs wrong but my dibber cost about £5.

Get the bulbs and plant them, you could plant now ready for next year.
There is no missing the opportunity, you just might have to wait longer until they flower

I'm undecided but
I would say no to chickens mess and looking after a lot of houses it's in the deeds you can't .

Trampoline depends on garden they kill the grass underneath them .Where could you put it would it be directly o/s window and what impact would it have on neighbours

Digital frame don't understand why you ask (unless you are going to stick it on the wall with a wire hanging down to plug)

Tent I wouldn't want to go camping but would feel pressured into going

Daffodils please tell my you haven't just stuck them in the grass . they look lovely for a week but when they are growing you can't mow round they so leave tufts of grass that look shit. they look nice for a couple of weeks then drop and kill the grass leaving bald patches.

Tumble dryer have you got room for it ,Is it vented and need a hole knocking in wall for vent or if it's in the garage everything will get wet. have you checked where you can plug it in you can't have it in double socket with anything like washer or kettle. Condensor dryers do make the room there in damp and take hours. how are your untilty bills can you afford to run it.

O/H has a habit of getting things not thinking it through then I'm stuck with something I didn't want and have to sort out .

I think any of the above are perfectly reasonable reasons to say no .

BTW I'm not your husband (we've had a dryer for years I bought it)

Sounds a bit crazy to be honest :S just get what you want, only big purchases should be a joint decision, things like animals and appliances etc. It's like he doesn't even see you as a joint owner in the home, and yes your a doormat.

How come he ended up the boss and totally in control? Why aren’t you just telling him to fuck off?

I’m with @mathanxiety on spending some money on yourself in the form of figuring out with a counsellor quite how you arrived at this point in your marriage.

There seems to be a very unhealthy dynamic.

I agree with you NiceGerbil

OP I fully support your right to buy whetever you want, but if your purchases impact your OH then he has a right to object.

Chickens? If my OH bought chickens I would not be happy.
If you live on a steading or farm and they would not be under my nose then fine- in a normal garden- no. Noisy, messy, take up room, food encourages vermin.
I am with your OH.
A family tent? Again go ahead and buy one, but don't expect me to go camping in it.
The digital photo frame- not to my tsate, but just buy one if you like.
Trampoline- how old are your kids? do you have space? Do your children want one?

I really wish people would stop with threads where they describe mean, uncaring, overbearing, bossy, aggressive, nitpicking, selfish, and often downright abusive men, and then finish with ‘He’s an amazing Dad!!’

None of these type of people can possibly be amazing, or even good, parents.

They would be the LAST kind of person I’d want my child learning from, having to live with through childhood, having their experiences curtailed, having to learn to please, watching their female parent be controlled and stifled and disrespected, seeing that dynamic. A bloody awful father.

Presumably you mean he’s not actively unpleasant to them, is ok with doing tasks related to them, doesn’t hit them, and does the jolly uncle ho-ho-ho thing when he’s not busy ripping you down in front of them?

He’s a SHIT DAD.

Agree with Yoni. He's a crap dad. Your children are learning from his behaviour, as well as yours, and it's not healthy. Do you really want them growing up thinking that this is normal? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? It's so joyless to have the life sucked out of you like this. I second a PP. Find yourself a decent therapist and spend the money on some sessions to try to get to the bottom of why you allow him to control you like this. Then have a good long think about why you are with this man.

You asked his permission to plant daffodils? I just plant away, he has no interest.

Chickens I understand, though if I really wanted chickens I’d probably still get them ..

I discuss big purchases with him, like my car as he would as big purchases. I’d discuss paint colours or wallpaper and expect him to do the same.

I’ve bought things where he’s looked a bit [hmmm] at them...

But no is just effing miserable about daffodils

In our family we have a sort of unspoken rule that if it is low cost you just buy it, if it is expensive you discuss first. But it is usually 'yes of course' because why would it be no?

With chickens, I would be annoyed if they got bought without consultation as I would have to care for them on the days the other person was out at work. Also I'm very anti trampolines so I can't give a neutral view on that, I think they are bone breakers!

But both a tent and digital photo album are utterly irrelevant to someone not using them.

I think it just sounds very draining overall, rather than it being about the specific items. The daffodils example just sounds really oppressive.

Have to say this was my thought too: Why aren’t you just telling him to fuck off?

I feel your frustration @YoniAndGuy

Does it work the other way? Do you veto his choices? I bet not 🙄

My dh is the direct opposite hence why he is my dh. I am the more cautious one and he is the “let’s have fun sod the cost” one.

DH is a bit negative whenever I suggest something new and a bit "out there", mainly because he is a penny counter and worries it will be a waste. But I just go ahead of I want something, as we wouldn't buy anything if I always heeded his "no". I think I dryer is a great example actually. I think everyone on Mumsnet who can afford one should just bloody buy one. It's a purchase that massively massively improves your life but only the life of the person who has the shit job of hanging out and putting away clothes! I.e. the woman 99% of the time!

I would just stop consulting him and get on with it. Life's too short.

@HandyBendySandy

I bought a bulb planter for £5 from the garden centre, planted them in the border as the ground was softer and I’ve got other plants following on that will hide the tatty leaves.

I’ve also some at the border of my allotment that are in harder ground but I forked it over first.

You can buy daffodils in pots at garden centres now, not forced ones but normal outside ones, and plant them in a border or a pot. I find them so cheerful.

My husband is prone to miserable gitness at times too, I just ignore him with cheerfulness and carry on.

Sounds just like my ex. NB my ex.