Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

My STBXH is like that.
Iver the years I gave bought all those tyoe of things (bar the chickens) and taken the DC on holiday because he wouldn’t and if ever came along he would be negative and spoil it.
One occasion cones to ming. I wanted to take the kids tobogganing and he moaned about waste of money on plastic toboggans we would hardly ever use. but reluctantly came although refused to join in. Then another family arrived and he knew the dad from his sport, so he grabbed a toboggan from one of our DC to toboggan down and shoe his acquaintance what a fun guy he was...
Sorry OP I know this is not what you posted about , but the relentless negativity has affected my DC.

Stop asking him- just go and do it.

Ugh.

The chickens I can understand - they will absolutely ruin your garden. They are animals and need looking after. That needs to be agreed upon by all responsible parties.

Go ahead and buy your 5 man tent if that would make you happy - it will be much better than a tiny one.

He gets to be angry at you if you buy a dryer? Why? Who made him the boss?? I agree, you need to sort out some therapy for yourself. He is not your father and he does not automatically get the last word.

I used to have this relationship with my dad as an adult.

He still called me a child and acted like he had to control everything he did in my life - everything I wanted to do was a No, I wouldn't know how to do it, it was a crazy idea, it would be a disaster, he would never forgive me, etc.

I was so used to asking his permission and being denied that I grew very bitter of everyone else living their lives while I wasn't allowed to.

Finally with therapy I realised I actually didn't have to listen.

So...extreme example, but yeah. It's only in his control as long as you let it.

Just do it - you don't need his permission! If he's joyless though do you need to consider why you are with him?

Being controlling isn’t OK

But almost all the specific things you list in your OP are almost all things that many people would strongly dislike and that would affect the whole family. Chickens require cost and work to upkeep. Some people consider garden trampolines dangerous. Camping equipment is expensive and camping is v hard work. All three things are ‘marmite’.

I honestly cannot understand why the hell you would let him tell you that you can’t buy a digital frame. You need to tell him to fuck off (not out loud, just in your head) and do it anyway. It’s none of his business what you choose to spend your money on (as long as it doesn’t impact on him).

Yeah, the small thinks like frame and bulbs are different.

I just see this as abusive. How can this be ok?

I grew up in a house like this. Every time my mother wanted to buy something there was a row, she would buy it anyway and then weeks of silent treatment. She worked, earned money and most of the things she wanted to buy were normal things that most families enjoyed. The ones that caused the biggest rows that I can remember were a washing machine, colour television, landline phone, first family car, holiday ( not even one abroad, just a week in a mobile home). In fairness to her she always went ahead with the purchase but I can still recall the rows and the sulking and refusal to use the purchase until he got over it. Luckily myself and dh just buy what we want and understand that we both have different wants and desires and just because one of us might think something is a waste of money that doesn't entitle us to stop the other from buying it.

You’ve said you’re a doormat. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I used to find it impossible to do anything my husband disagreed with first. Then I realised it was because my mother was such an emotional tyrant that it made life so horrible to go against her that I’d learned to live like that. I decided I didn’t want to any more. Now I’ll still run big things past my husband of course but little things I’ll just tell him and go ahead and if he’s not keen then tough really. He’s not god! And actually when I pointed this out he did take it on board. Maybe have a chat with your husband about this dynamic and how you intend it to change

The most outrageous thing is when the person vetoing the purchase is not the one that will use it - eg wife does the laundry so no benefit to him to get a tumble dryer he won’t notice the upside.

What if anything is he suggesting as an alternative?

@georgarina

I used to have this relationship with my dad as an adult.

He still called me a child and acted like he had to control everything he did in my life - everything I wanted to do was a No, I wouldn't know how to do it, it was a crazy idea, it would be a disaster, he would never forgive me, etc.

I was so used to asking his permission and being denied that I grew very bitter of everyone else living their lives while I wasn't allowed to.

Finally with therapy I realised I actually didn't have to listen.

So...extreme example, but yeah. It's only in his control as long as you let it.

Exactly this with me. But my mother. My father was also much the same with my mother and with his dcs. But he’d died by the time I reached adulthood. My mother’s words told me what to do until I got therapy in my 40’s.

I agree with you. However, it takes a lot of inner strength and for many, this means therapy.

Why do you need to ask him?

@PanamaPattie

Why are you with him? Use your money to start an escape fund.

This. He's not the boss of you and yet you're letting him ruin all your exuberance. You have ideas and inclinations and on your own you would enjoy life. You don't need somebody to sit there nodding saying you made the right decision there @WonderLandWoman in order to enjoy those treats. Or do you? If you do need somebody's approval to enjoy the fruits of your own decisions, then go it alone and soon you will no longer feel that need.

OP, this is your Christmas & birthday money, given by people who love you, you should be able to spend it in a way that makes you happy. I’d say ideally on something for yourself but if something for the family is what makes you happy then there’s nothing wrong with that. But unless that’s something that will negatively impact him (sorry, I think chickens probably do fall into that category!) his opinion is really not that important.

OP, what is he like when it comes to everyday things like buying clothing, shoes, school uniforms, hair cuts, food shopping?

It’s the control of a few daffodils that show how awful he is.
Is it because it’s his garden that you need permission?
A garden should be family space.

I get you’re disappointed and all that.. but why you’re looking to buy is pretty crap!

Are you so bored that you’re looking for crap to buy?

Chickens attract rats, rip up the garden etc

Trampoline is just a new source for noise in an otherwise peaceful spot

And a family tent is only worthwhile if you ALL love camping.

He clearly doesn’t

Sorry, I’m in Team DH. Save your money and spend it on something that brings you all happiness when this Covid shit is over

@georgarina and @Mummyoflittledragon I do get this completely. My parents did this to me too. ''No that's too dangerous''. They were so cautious and so risk averse and they took decisions for me in a way that meant that any dissent whatsoever was perceived by them as insubordination and insanity. In my 40s I was going to buy a car and they reacted as though I were going to buy a fleet of oil rigs. It was ridiculous. They did talk me out of it. But I had to really work hard to tune in to what was right for me, and figure out if I was going to spite myself swinging too far the other way to make a point. On that occasion I did not buy a car and they were happy but it was really eye-opening the way they feel that they can make all decisions for me. I'm 50! but a single parent. They still feel that it's disobedience if I don't take their advice.
I was a sitting duck for the controlling man that I met and had DC with but sure you live and learn eventually.

I'm single now and I don't need anybody's approval. I need the bravery to do more things on my own. I'll get there.

My x was the same. He was the boss. I had to run any ''idea'' (for a small change) past him and 99 times out of a hundred he'd say no. Sometimes if I was like a fucking barrister and presented a strong enough case for the small change, then he'd allow it. But omg, nothing was ever changed just because it was what I would like.

I do not miss that.

If you've saved that money up, you go and bloody buy what you wish with it. Don't get too comfortable under his thumb op... it isn't a nice place to be x

Bugger that op

He clearly sees himself as the earner so therefore you will do what he wants because he pays the bills
Sounds just like my fil.

Mil has to ask about absolutely everything. It's a joke.

I'd never put up with that.

Any big purchases for the house we just say that's what we want to buy and it gets bought.

Any big personal purchases we buy out of our own personal money and it's got nothing to do with the other what we spend our personal money on.

Things like chickens we did think about but decided no due to the sheer mess and we did have a trampoline once and ds broke his arm within three days so I got rid cause he wouldn't go back on it again.

Take back some control op.

Buy what you want with your money on smaller things and things that will benefit the dc just do it and if he says anything call him out on why he doesn't want his dc to experience things?and just wait for his response.

Joy killer. Just like fil.

My OH was like this it was a major reason our relationship was failing last year we had a screaming row over weed killer he thought it was lazy a waste of money and it was better to pull out the weeds.
The row was more about my longing for some independence and making my own decisions I recently got a new job making quite a lot more money and more responsibility people actually respect my opinion at work so why is that OH treats me like my opinion is worthless?
I just buy things now and he can shut up. It's worked quite well there's a lot more harmony in our household

I know it’s easy for me to say but I wouldn’t stay with a man who had so little regard for me. Life is short and I wouldn’t accept living in misery with some self-important, controlling dick.