To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

Watchingbehindmyhands
Right so what do you suggest OP does to move on and escape the bastard?

She can't beat him by spending years trying to fight him in court, draining funds. That's what he wants. She needs to stop focusing on him and help herself to move on financially and do the best she can for her children for the time they are with her.

Some people are really mean on here. I don’t know the right solution. I suppose, focus on getting your kids the support for additional needs. The mental health professionals will hopefully be able to see a big picture. How about the gp and looping in school (in terms of their development etc and resolving any issues they have - perhaps school may have a counsellor?)?

Your ex sounds like a complete narcissist have you looked into the legal implications of being a victim of a narcissist? It is a form of abuse that is now legally recognised.

My barrister applied for a section 'something' sorry can't remember the term. It prevented my exh from taking me back to court yet again. 4 years of hell was plenty.. At 12 and 14 my dc went nc with him despite the court order...

I am really sorry to hear what your going through. You need to find a way to stop him from keep taking you to Court. Do some research, maybe write a letter to the Judge explaining your financial situation etc. He is being controlling and obviously wants to make your life hell for great enjoyment. I wish you luck in this situation x

@Mumwithapub It isn't really provable so no legal implications.
What really worries me is if a lot of people on here can't see the abuse or have simply minimised it (because we are not now married, an abusive husband doesn't equal a bad dad, the eldest is saying he "wants" to live with dad more), then what hope do I stand in court?
How can I protect my beautiful children?

Please approach Child Maintenance (there is an online calculator) Even though you have 50:50 shares care he will still be liable to pay you as he earns much more than you. The amount will be reduced based on the shares care but do the calculation and I’m sure it will be worth your while x

@Oldat40 why would it be such a bad thing if they did go and live with Dad? Why are you fighting it so much just because you think he was abusive to you when you were married?

@MissyMoooo if there is a true 50/50 split he isn't liable for maintenence at all, his solicitor will have made him well aware of this which is probably why he went for 50/50 in the first place

A good dad would look at the bigger picture rather than just the legal one. Why would you have your kids miss out?

The kids aren't missing out because of him though. They have time with their dad, he provides for them. Is it up to him to make up for shortcomings elsewhere? I guess you are thinking he earns over 100k therefore should support you.

He also takes CB for one son which he has to pay back. He would rather the government have it back then let me have it for the benefit of his child.

We do this and have been advised it is a better option than stopping CB. If he gave it to you, he would have to pay the money back.

I think he sounds abusive and unkind TBH.I dont know why he doesnt want to pay for his DC ,or is intent on bleeding you dry,especially as he has a new partner.Can you not get advice from CAB or maybe a new Solicitor ? Some give an hours free advice I think .

@MissyMoooo

Please approach Child Maintenance (there is an online calculator) Even though you have 50:50 shares care he will still be liable to pay you as he earns much more than you. The amount will be reduced based on the shares care but do the calculation and I’m sure it will be worth your while x

The calculator doesn't account for cases of true 50:50. In the case of true 50:50, no maintenance is payable as each parent is meant to pay for the DC on their own time.

[quote CC2021]@Oldat40 why would it be such a bad thing if they did go and live with Dad? Why are you fighting it so much just because you think he was abusive to you when you were married?[/quote]
Don't MOST parents want to live with their kids?!

@dottiedodah

I think he sounds abusive and unkind TBH.I dont know why he doesnt want to pay for his DC ,or is intent on bleeding you dry,especially as he has a new partner.Can you not get advice from CAB or maybe a new Solicitor ? Some give an hours free advice I think .

How does he not pay for his DC? They're with him 50% of the time where he covers all costs on his time. How exactly is that not paying? Or is OP absolved of all financial responsibility because she has a lower paid job?

Seriously though, if OP is struggling so much financially, why on earth would you add another baby into the mix? That's just ridiculous. You can't expect ex to cover shortfall you have because you chose to have another baby.

Did you get half the value of the marital home, and half of his pension? Did you get more than 50%, because you had given up a career to care for the children?

If not, I believe that you can go after this now, as this happened to a friend of mine, long after they had divorced. She ad to pay her ex husband thousands, because he left the marital home without taking a share of its value. Years passed before he pursued her for it. And he won.

@HmmSureJan yes of course but there are plenty of cases where DC spend more of their time with Mum and not because Dad doesn't want extra time. So why would it be so bad for the DC to be allowed to live more with the parent they want to be with?

Hang on OP you are having another baby? Didnt mention that!!

Your choice of course but if you are already struggling financially with your older two children that's quite a big decision.

@SummerBlondey

Did you get half the value of the marital home, and half of his pension? Did you get more than 50%, because you had given up a career to care for the children?

If not, I believe that you can go after this now, as this happened to a friend of mine, long after they had divorced. She ad to pay her ex husband thousands, because he left the marital home without taking a share of its value. Years passed before he pursued her for it. And he won.

Did your friend not have a clean break order?

Summerblondey

She said she didnt give up her career, she stayed working throughout, so on that basis may not have been eligible for more than 50/50 of assets and possibly wouldnt have got any of his pension either as she will have her own through own employment.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Hang on OP you are having another baby? Didnt mention that!!

Your choice of course but if you are already struggling financially with your older two children that's quite a big decision.

Oh sorry maybe it wasn't OP with a baby. I thought I saw a post which mentioned it but I've just scanned back through OP's posts and can't find it. Maybe it wasn't her.

@CC2021 With respect you are just not getting it. I am not asking him that. There is no "shortfall" and I work hard to make it so. What I would like is for him to stop draining me of the money I have saved as yet another form of revenge. Wish I'd have gone on a bloody holiday to the Bahamas now rather than trying to invest in my. childrens' future.

I had no pension or assets. What kills me the most is that I don't have any baby photos. I asked him for some but he said they were a "joint asset." I said "But please just that one of myself and my eldest on the swing?" Still a no.

She said she didnt give up her career, she stayed working throughout, so on that basis may not have been eligible for more than 50/50 of assets and possibly wouldnt have got any of his pension either as she will have her own through own employment

Her Ex will have a larger pension pot, given that he earns £100k more.

Here's how it works. Let's say that at the time of the split, EX pension pot was worth £150k and Ops pension pot was worth £50k.

That's a total of £200k divide by 2 = they are due £100k each. Ex has to pay Op £50k in cash OR she can claim a stake on his final pension when he retires.

When I divorced I took the cash equivalent, so I walked away with more cash than him (but less pension), and my Ex had less cash but more pension.

She could also pursue him for Economic recompense (more cash) because of being the lower earner.

Op needs a really good Solicitor.

@HmmSureJan

No, you calling me names won’t stop me from expressing my views on a public forum. It just makes you look like a bully.

Normally with family court you try to sort things out with mediation and agree to something reasonable, courts usually take a dim view of parents who fight that.

What were the repeated court cases about? You say you’re trying to protect your children from him, he was an abusive asshole to you in your marriage but that doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily be the same to them, or that a relationship isn’t in their best interests. Did you fight him having 50:50/extensive visitation at the start? Did you attempt to introduce his control of you as a reason to block access, then fight a court battle on this and not be able to substantiate it?

I really think a lot of these financial issues could have been prevented from the start if you had been really dispassionate and calm from the start about the children’s place in all this. If he’s causing a circus to hurt you then the worst thing you can do is overreact. If you start firing back legally, it makes it look fit for tat when what you want the judge to see is just a very chill “we agreed 50:50, all going fine, kids happy, let’s just stick with it” vibe. Which does not require a flock of QCs.