To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

He's a horrible man and one day the children will see that for themselves.

AnnlouiseB

Playing devils advocate I know a woman who removed her husbands cards from his wallet because he was a problem spender including gambling, and had run up a huge amount of debt to the family. She had no choice he would have gambled the shirts off his kids backs.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

AnnlouiseB

Playing devils advocate I know a woman who removed her husbands cards from his wallet because he was a problem spender including gambling, and had run up a huge amount of debt to the family. She had no choice he would have gambled the shirts off his kids backs.

Do you routinely "play devils advocate" when people describe dreadful situations in their lives?

Watchingbehindmyhands
We are taking OPs word for it. Playinb devils advocate, maybe her husband had to leave for the airport for an overnight flight for work and asked her to be home by 10pm to facilitate that.

Maybe he has a health condition that means he needs to take sleeping pills at night and for the childrens safety, they need a parent at home overnight who is able to wake if needed.

Point is nothing is ever black and white and we only hear one side of it on here. It's not unusual on AIBU for people to question the validity of OPs perspective.

I do if they are posting on AIBU, have a story that's incomplete and I have no particular reason to trust this persons view more than any one else's.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I do if they are posting on AIBU, have a story that's incomplete and I have no particular reason to trust this persons view more than any one else's.

You're basically just making stuff up though. Little stories about health conditions and early morning flights. You're creating entire scenarios to justify accounts of abuse. I mean really, just think about that.

People lie and exaggerate on internet forums all the time. Why is it that if I post something positive eg
I have a high income
My child was potty trained before age 2
My child is a fucking genius etc
I would be accused of lying or exaggerating and immediately disbelieved, but anyone who posts a very negative story full of abuse/neglect/control it must be 100% true and accurate and can't possibly be doubted?

I know a woman who removed her husbands cards from his wallet because he was a problem spender including gambling, and had run up a huge amount of debt to the family. She had no choice he would have gambled the shirts off his kids backs

So rather than effectively steal from your spouse, come to an agreement with how salaries are paid and have separate bank accounts? And if your spouse won't agree and/or get help, you leave? You know, take some responsibility if he won't?

I'm not justifying abuse. I'm saying we cannot take the word of anonymous username as automatically being completely irrefutable.

Just like OP it can take people time to leave and just like OP if one person does not earn as much it's not as simple as separate bank accounts etc.

OP could just have left her exH as soon as there were any signs of abuse couldnt she...? No?

but anyone who posts a very negative story full of abuse/neglect/control it must be 100% true and accurate and can't possibly be doubted?

No you just handle it sensitively and kindly in case it's true. You probe gently to find the missing links. That's what decent people do anyway.

Have you looked into possibility of court appointing a “guardian” for the children - I can’t remember proper name but basically the court gives children a lawyer etc who advocates for them - no cost to you. Hopefully someone who knows more about it will read this post and clarify what I’m on about.

OP could just have left her exH as soon as there were any signs of abuse couldnt she...? No?

No. Go and do some reading around the dynamics of domestic abuse. You sound so ignorant. Embarrassing.

@Oldat40 I am sorry Op. I’m sorry. There’s so much about the family court system that is plain unfair and wrong.
He’s got 50% custody, he looks to be a good father. There was no proof of his abusive behaviour. He also looked like he had no money.
Stop fighting him. Let him ‘win’
The courts won’t let him completely take the children because they are primarily concerned with keeping both parents present in the children’s lives- but if he has custody, it’s an end to battling a system that is stacked against you. You can keep fighting him and he will keep hammering you into the ground.
All your emotional energy and money and time is going on ‘fighting’
Be best loving fun mum in the time that you have the kids. Channel your energies onto your future.
I understand you don’t want this.
But he has the money, the resources, the ability to look like a great dad. That’s the reality.
I reckon given 5 hot minutes, the children will realise he’s actually quite shit and he will realise that actually he doesn’t want full custody because it’s exhausting and full time responsibility.
Also frankly if he’s not giving you any money now, and you need to pay him maintenances- well based on your salary etc- you probably are worse off now than you would be.

Christ you’re getting a hard time here OP. I think I understand what you’re saying. He’s using the court system and your children to continue to bleed you dry. Abuse doesn’t stop just because you’ve left. And no he doesn’t “technically” do anything wrong but YOU can see what he’s trying to do and it’s enough to make anyone crazy.

I think it’s really hard when you can see what an abuser is trying to do to you and nobody else can.

He's being deliberately mean and horrible. I would go for full custody or let him have full custody. The shared custody isn't working. You are expecting him to play fair. He isn't and sounds very bitter.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I'm not justifying abuse. I'm saying we cannot take the word of anonymous username as automatically being completely irrefutable.

You bloody are justifying abuse. And just for the hell of it, so it seems.

OP, I’m so sorry that on top of everything you’re going through you’ve posted on here and some utterly callous bastards are actually defending and justifying your ex abusing you. No wonder you feel shaky.

No. Go and do some reading around the dynamics of domestic abuse. You sound so ignorant. Embarrassing.

Omg learn about sarcasm and read my post this was directly relating to someone suggestion that rather than take her gambler husbands card away to stop him spending the family food budget my acquaintance should have simply left because he wouldnt seek help.

You lost me at One bathroom between us all is not fun!

Please do read the thread.ive and numerous times OPs ex was clearly abusive and an arsehole

But its not helpful to her to sit here going on about that. What's helpful is giving her strategies for escaping that.

OP I’m slightly confused by the finances of this, and hence why I am struggling to understand the situation. You said he earns well over 100k per year and that you had a large family home. And you initially took on the kids more, so how big was your divorce settlement? Because it sounds like it should have been pretty significant, enough to buy a less attractive 2 bed? I’m asking because your comment about having to suffer with just 1 bathroom makes me think you might be a bit on another planet when it comes to finances and to what is acceptable. Also it makes me think that you might have spent a LOT on legal fees.

I’m also trying to figure out roughly how much you are saying you spent on legal fees, because it sounds into the hundreds of thousands? Yes in some cases you do need representation of a barrister but it really sounds like you’ve been excessive here? You have every right to hate him for what he has done to you (you should!) but a “fight fire with fire” approach is totally unnecessary and for family court you really don’t need THE most expensive barrister, mid ranking is more than enough.

Starfish yeah that got me too. How many 3 bed homes have 2 bathrooms

I would be accused of lying or exaggerating and immediately disbelieved, but anyone who posts a very negative story full of abuse/neglect/control it must be 100% true and accurate and can't possibly be doubted?

Read that back and have a think. There are many women who have posted here who recognise the situation the OP is in. Largely because we have been there. Are we all liars? Do you not think it possible that there are people out there - of both sexes - capable of managing a sustained campagin of abuse using the children to do that? Do you think that abusers stop being abusers when a relationship is ended? Do you not think it possible that the OP is so beaten down by her ex and the constant abuse that she may struggle to see the wood for the trees and is really suffering with her mental health?

Let's assume she is telling the truth. She has now left the thread. She has left the thread because the people she sought support from refused to believe her. How do you think that will impact her? And her children going forwards? We are all on edge at the moment - what if this now pushes her off that edge? How will that help anyone involved?

A characteristic of abusers is manipulation of the people around them. That they paint such an amazing, happy family picture that someone in the middle of it all feeling unsure about what is happening behind closed doors doesn't really understand why they feel that way. Because they can see everyone else thinks that person is wonderful. And then they seek help and people say 'what? X is abusive? No way!'.

Where abuse is concerned, we always believe. We always give the benefit of the doubt. Because the consequences on indivdiuals if we don't and we get it wrong, are too much to imagine.

Why can't you share a bathroom? I thought most families did.

Omg learn about sarcasm and read my post this was directly relating to someone suggestion that rather than take her gambler husbands card away to stop him spending the family food budget my acquaintance should have simply left because he wouldnt seek help.

No I stand by my point. You've no clue about DV and how it manifests apart from this one situation you describe which you seem to think makes you an expert. When your friend told you about this did you question her aggressively to ensure she was telling the truth, did you say "sorry mate, you could be lying so I am withholding support till I know for sure". Did you say "oh no why did you take his cards? He could need them to buy medication for his health condition/book an early morning flight?"

If you didn't then why are you doing it to strangers describing horrible abuse and seeking help then?