To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

If a married woman started a post by saying 'husband took my purse to stop me buying food, after locking me out for not being home by my curfew' she would rightly be met with a chorus of "what the actual fuck??? Leave the bustard!"

Well, this is exactly why so many women are forced into staying in situations like that - but what is worse is that the chorus of "LTB" has turned into "shit happens, he can't be responsible for subsidising you forever - there are two sides to every story" etc. Well, the courts can get it wrong. The kind of man who abuses and controls his wife in marriage will do whatever he can to continue to exert his control over her once separated. And he is more than capable of manipulating the court system and controlling his own children.

So, op, you have my full understanding and sympathy. Sadly, however, I don't think there is much you can do.

I don't know if family lawyers do no win no fee or anything like that? A free 30 min consultation? Unfortunately, the settlement - however wrong it may have been - is done and dusted. The only thing you can do, which is wholly within your own control, is attempt to improve your own financial situation. I guessing, but could be wrong, that perhaps your earning capacity reduced during your marriage because you were the primary carer for your children. In your situation I'd play the long game. Get trained, take every professional development opportunity, get ambitious. There is nothing you can do about the past, you have everything to gain from taking control of the present.

He never would have hit you though OP - he would never have to. You could have still been there and your children would be not better off. He would have alienated you away from them anyway even if you were still living with him.

There was a sad thread yesterday when a Dad had done just that due to constant screen time and gaming had made it so that the mother was simply just there and not part of the family

There is nothing else you could have done. You have saved yourself, you have a daughter and your sons have a place that is safe if they ever feel they need it.

Yes sadly they may not but I think that would have happened even if you had stayed.

I hate how people think that just because you’re not in a relationship any more, there can’t be any abuse. That’s entirely non-sensical.

And I absolutely loathe the way the family courts enable and perpetuate that abuse.
It’s a known issue. Every few years it comes to the surface, there’s an enquiry, it shows a load of failings, then it all goes quiet for a few years until the cycle repeats.

If he’s making repeated, unsuccessful, applications I believe you can apply for a barring order. That stops any further applications without initial court agreement.

At the age your kids are, Cafcass will likely put a lot of weight on their feelings and what they want. If they have additional needs, the impact these have need to be made clear - your cafcass officer won’t necessarily have the experience to understand the implications of them.

To the people saying self-represent: well, it looks like she’s going to have to from here on. I can completely understand why she hasn’t felt able to though. There’s a reason people hire barristers, and a reason they cost so much.

To the people telling her to move on: I’m pretty sure she’s saying she’d love to, but her ex seems hellbent on stopping her. He’s the one who needs to move on!

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I never agreed to stop working fully so was able to increase my hours and provide for my kids. Which I have done. But women married to controlling men aren't always able to do that.
My lad tells me his dad's girlfriend asked if she could volunteer for a charity befriending the elderly as she was bored at home but I don't think dad was happy so short-lived. Same with volunteering for an RSPCA role. I've never really met her in four years and I do worry about her.

This thread is horrible. Sorry Op

he stole her purse so she couldn’t buy food and gave her a 10pm curfew. What about that is not abusive?!
It was abuse, if that was how OP said it. There could have been reasons behind these OP is not telling us, bit either way, it was 7 years ago. She moved on, this is irrelevant now.

sadly this is why I need help with my biggest regret in life - not staying until he hit me
OMG, I hope you don't mean that. Otherwise there are some serious issues at stake here.

FloconDeNeige
Grow up, this IS real life. Not some fluffy, fantasy land of rainbows and kittens, where everyone only ever says exactly what you want to hear. That does nobody any favours.

Ah I get it. You’re one of those tough “I just say it like it is” folk aren’t you? But maybe you’re more like your username than you think.

The bar for establishing a vexatious litigant is very high. There are fewer than 200 in England and Wales, and only 11 in Scotland. Unfortunately this isn’t likely to be an option for OP.

@ItsJackieWeaverBitch

Not missing a point. I see you choosing to spend your money on legal fees you cannot afford. You don’t have to do that, you are entirely in control of what you do with your money, that is why no, it is not financial abuse. People that are being financially abused are not in control.

I think it is possible that the boys might like to live with their father, the professionals involved in the case will speak to them alone and get to the bottom of it.

Genuine question: have you ever gone through the family court system? Have you ever gone through it against someone who is abusive and who can afford very good legal representation when you can not and had to listen to people say “it’s fine, just represent yourself”? Have you ever had to wait months on end for whoever is representing your children’s side to get their shit together only to find out that they are useless and even got the kids names wrong in their report ?

OP, incase you didn’t know I absolutely do believe you are being intentionally financially drained by this bastard. The comment to your children about how your current partner “might be a peadophile” is obviously disgusting as well. Poor you and your poor kids.

This in spades....

Truly grim what you're going through.

Is there abyone who can help pro bond...some lawyers or law students will do this

Thank you @Yoshinori. I would gladly live on the streets if it meant not losing my kids to a ridiculously cruel person who doesn't actually want them anyway. As a loving mum I have no choice to keep fighting because even if it does go his way I can always say I tried my best.

What settlement did you get op?

The important thing OP is you are not with him any more.

Dont give him the satisfaction of your attention. Stop paying for lawyers, get advice on the legal threads and talk to Cafcass about parental alienation and the fact that he is using persistent court cases as a means of abuse.

Forget about what he earns or the partner he has now. They arent relevant to you any more, and focus on you and your partner.

It won't be forever.
Use the time the DC spend with him for retraining. Don't tie yourself in knots about custody how severe are the boys extra needs? Will they be able to make an informed decision?
If they're saying they want to live with Dad I'd let them while going through teenage years. I'd turn up as Disney DM every week with gifts and a big smile and pay minium maintenance off 15k.
They'd hate it after a month, ex would hate it too.

dontdisturbmenow yes I think she does because what she is saying is then she would have had more avenues to explore more people to believe her - remember she left a few years ago before the idea of coervice control became something people were aware of (became illegal in DEcember 2015).

When she left because there was no physical abuse it would have been handled as if it was a marriage break up when she left the house. She was probably pretty effectively painted as the mother who left and had no real way out because the gap in the law existed then.

Now so much time has passed she cant really go back and use it either.

@dontdisturbmenow If he had hit me chances are we wouldn't be going through this never-ending shit. Or dead.

Why are you asking a question about whether its financial abuse/control when you apparently already know the answer?

There could have been reasons behind these OP is not telling us

Go on then - tell me what reason would justify a man stealing his wife’s purse? Or giving her a curfew? Tell me what would make that ok?

This thread is similar but has some good advice on

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1595237-ex-taking-me-to-court-AGAIN

I'm going to leave this thread for a bit as I'm feeling a bit shaky (bloody anxiety!) but will return again when I am able.

God there have been some horrible responses on this thread. He’s a twat!!! It’s clear - a sad angry man who wants to destroy the mother of his children. What a monster.
I feel for you OP - 💐
I can’t offer you any advice.
To the morons saying “move on” - I’m 1000% certain op wants to move on but the bastard won’t let her.
It’s a horrible situation.
Do the children want to see him - I wonder if they feel they have no choice?
Carry on being a loving mother. I’m not that healthy and my tongue would get the better of me. I’d be slagging him off.
You take care OP.

@Oldat40

@Oldat40 don’t return. This thread is full of abuse-apologists who want to stick the boot in. I’m so sorry it went that way. Munsnet can be a terrible place for abused women sometimes

It is absolutely control and abuse, controlling men are notorious for abusing legal systems to hurt exes.

OP, I can't believe some of the responses you've been given here. It's clear to me that your main concern is for your children and that you have been treated horrendously by your ex. I hope that you can get things sorted and have a happy life with your dcs.

Some of the posters on here should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves!

There could have been reasons behind these OP is not telling us

You think there could be a justified reason a husband gives his wife a curfew? Really? If you husband told you that you could go out but that you had to be home by 10pm, what would you say?