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Original poster

Loneliness after separation

667 replies

havecourage8bekind · 10/02/2021 14:21

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

OP posts:
Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 10:04

@beachtrip I'm also feeling a bit teary. I've dragged myself off the sofa, I'm gonna put a bit of makeup on and a nice outfit..for myself! I'm really lucky and have had lots of messages from friends this morning sharing some love. X

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mummyof2lou · 14/02/2021 10:09

I wish today would just disappear Sad

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 10:12

@mummyof2lou Can you do anything for yourself today? Bath? Journal? Dance in your kitchen to spice girls? Love yourself today, you're worth it x

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mummyof2lou · 14/02/2021 10:17

@havecourage8bekind I know I should, but I'm just sitting here wondering how my life ended up like this. The kids are probably wondering why we haven't done the usual valentines breakfast and cards. I don't think I've ever felt so lonely.

Ended up ordering some clothes online, going to take myself on a big walk today and promise myself next valentines will be better.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 10:27

@mummyof2lou proud of you for getting yourself up and wanting to go for a walk..that in itself shows you're not being defeated. I've currently got Miley Cyrus - the climb blasting Grin my next door neighbour is a single mum so I bet she can hear me belting it out and knows the score today!!

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Beachtrip · 14/02/2021 10:28

Spice girls!! Love it.

Just walked up the high street and seen so many men buying flowers and cards. It's like.... oh. This is what I'm missing out on. Someone who couldn't think ahead. Awesome.

@mummyof2lou I hear you completely. How did I get here?

lothermand · 14/02/2021 10:35

@feeficken bless you..send the message here, at least you'll have got it off your chest!

@havecourage8bekind @Beachtrip @mummyof2lou it's a funny old day isn't it (though it's not making me laugh!) I'm not particularly romantic to be honest, but I've always got something from a partner. For me, its meaningless, the gestures should be every day not just the one.

Thanksto all struggling today, and every day

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 10:42

The only gift I woke up to today was a big old spot on my chin Hmm I agree about the gestures being every day and not just one day a year! Still stings though. Lol @beachtrip the bargain bin partners who want a reduced bunch of flowers lol!

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MumOfPsuedoAdult · 14/02/2021 10:55

I empathise OP. I've been single for MANY years and on reflection, the 'adult' loneliness was pushed aside by childcare and a busy job. The pandemic has really shone a light on how little time I've taken over the years to put support networks in place for my own emotional wellbeing. The real hole I'm noticing now is having someone I can turn to when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious about anything and nothing.

cravingthelook · 14/02/2021 10:59

I'm in - 20 months. Dating (not now) and it makes loneliness worse.

Changeispossible · 14/02/2021 10:59

The real hole I'm noticing now is having someone I can turn to when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious about anything and nothing

I’ve never had that even when I was in a relationship and tbh I don’t we’ll get that from another person.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 11:07

I think really loving yourself and putting work in to yourself emotionally is the secret to all of this isn't it? Yes we are alone, yes we don't have a significant person in our lives...but shouldn't we use this time to find out who we are and love life for what it is. Then when the right person comes along we will be emotionally ready! Why have we been conditioned to believe that we can only be happy if we've got someone calling us beautiful and making us tea in bed (although that would be nice too!!)

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MumOfPsuedoAdult · 14/02/2021 11:23

@Changeispossible

The real hole I'm noticing now is having someone I can turn to when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious about anything and nothing

I’ve never had that even when I was in a relationship and tbh I don’t we’ll get that from another person.

Why don't you think you can get that from another person? I'm referring to having someone in your life who has your back - not just practically but emotionally. It definitely exists as I've had it in the past.
Changeispossible · 14/02/2021 11:34

@MumOfPsuedoAdult

Someone having your back is different. I was referring to what you had written about anxiety in the middle of the night. I have never had someone I could wake up with my middle of the night anxiety and I wouldn’t expect someone to be there for that. It’s lonely and horrible with or without a partner.

Someone generally having your back is completely different and I’ve had that and would love that again too.

Beachtrip · 14/02/2021 11:54

I get it.
Waking feeling anxious and just seeing that other person there is a comfort.

Definitely agree about working on ourselves and self love.
Today is meaningless really, cos I agree. Gestures for no reason are more meaningful but it does sting.

I'm with friends and we're off for a walk with allllllll the kids. It's lovely but also, a reminder that I don't have someone for me

Own worst enemy really

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 12:12

@beachtrip enjoy your walk xx

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Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 12:13

Can't wait for the day someone has my back, because they genuinely want to have it! X

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Newsinglemum58 · 14/02/2021 12:29

@havecourage8bekind

Can't wait for the day someone has my back, because they genuinely want to have it! X
Must be a great feeling. I think that sense of safety and partnership is so important. The world can be a hard, cruel place, particularly now more than ever! As humans we crave this connection biologically... most of us know we need love, connection and people who care for us.
Newsinglemum58 · 14/02/2021 12:31

@havecourage8bekind

I think really loving yourself and putting work in to yourself emotionally is the secret to all of this isn't it? Yes we are alone, yes we don't have a significant person in our lives...but shouldn't we use this time to find out who we are and love life for what it is. Then when the right person comes along we will be emotionally ready! Why have we been conditioned to believe that we can only be happy if we've got someone calling us beautiful and making us tea in bed (although that would be nice too!!)
Very true! This is the basis of the book I'm reading 'single on purpose'. About loving yourself, liking who you are and being ok with being alone rather than needing someone to feel complete. Trying to reframe the narrative that single has to mean sad and lonely... more than it can be a positive thing. Waiting alone until you find a connection that adds value to your life....
Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 14/02/2021 15:09

@newsinglemum58 That book sounds good, would you recommend?

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irishoak · 14/02/2021 15:16

Happy Valentine's Day all - two years ago on Valentine's Day I found out my husband had cheated on me before we got married, so not the best day of the year in my mind! But, it was around this time last year that I got my dog, so I guess she's my Valentine today.

Treated myself to some yarn to knit a cardigan, and thinking about watching Pride and Prejudice for the millionth time later. Not sure if it will cheer me up or depress me tbh.

irishoak · 14/02/2021 15:22

@Newsinglemum58 I like that about a connection that adds value to your life, I think that's something I've not been very good at in the past, and just grabbed at the first offer of connection, whether they brought value or hassle. I think we need to reframe it as something other than waiting alone maybe...I have had some very low periods in the past when I was single where I just felt like my life was a placeholder and I was passing time while I waited to meet someone and for it to really begin. Ideally, I want to be able to just be happy living my life, and if someone comes along that adds value to it, then great. I mean, that's the ideal, now I just have to mentally get there.

Newsinglemum58 · 14/02/2021 15:26

[quote havecourage8bekind]@newsinglemum58 That book sounds good, would you recommend?[/quote]
I'm not that far in yet but so far it's quite good. I'm actually listening to it through audible.

Newsinglemum58 · 14/02/2021 15:29

[quote irishoak]@Newsinglemum58 I like that about a connection that adds value to your life, I think that's something I've not been very good at in the past, and just grabbed at the first offer of connection, whether they brought value or hassle. I think we need to reframe it as something other than waiting alone maybe...I have had some very low periods in the past when I was single where I just felt like my life was a placeholder and I was passing time while I waited to meet someone and for it to really begin. Ideally, I want to be able to just be happy living my life, and if someone comes along that adds value to it, then great. I mean, that's the ideal, now I just have to mentally get there.[/quote]
Yeah I agree. I think it was Emma Watson who coined the self-partnering thing, as single comes with so many connotations and pre-conceived notions. We have to take back our power and not feel shame around not having a significant other as implying we are somehow defective, left on the shelf or less worthy of love. Easier said than done...

mummyof2lou · 14/02/2021 16:15

So I went for my walk, and ended up walking back in tears I couldn't hold back (funny glances from passers by). The DCs are wondering why I keep crying today. He on the other hand seems fine. I don't know why I find it harder than him. Does anyone have any tips of how to self soothe when the emotions get too much? Eventually I calm myself down but I wish I had a way of controlling that better