Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@irishoak I’ve caught myself doing that and noticing people together, it can be a reminder of what I’m missing now, it’s also a trigger because it leaves me a bit sour that my wife and OM could be having that. Of course I don’t know that but sometimes I do think our mind takes us to the worst places. Our minds and thoughts can be our worst enemies at times.

I don’t regret my relationship with my wife even now but I dont like the hurt loving her is causing me now. We did thinks backwards as in met young, had kids young and bought a house young which are thing I am proud of but we should have had fun first and travelled and then settled later. We kept saying we’d do it when we got older and kids where grown, we almost got there.

@feeficken there's no right or wrong though is there? For all you knew you could've been happy for the whole marriage with each other. No one knows how things will pan out or how each person in the relationship might change. There's some element of luck involved I think but also understanding the blueprint we can't bring to our relationships eg childhood experiences

Hey everyone! Just catching up on all the replies. Finding it a bit tough motivation wise today. Had a few gins last night, ended up signing up to bumble...what a load of crap, ended up deleting the app first thing this morning but somehow my ex found out I was on there and is now bombarding me with emails about what I had in my profile and how its hurt him that I'm on there so soon etc etc, weve only been separated three months after ten years together so I totally understand its too soon...but I momentarily gave into my loneliness. Now feel guilty!!

Love everyones grateful lists from last night. Esp yours @Beachtrip i love that you added yourself into there!! My grateful list is also myself, for being a strong ass bitch who's gone through alot and still shows up daily and is trying my best to be the best version of me. Then a roof over my head, good health and food in my cupboards!!

@Overtherainbow12 Sending you so much love and strength. What you've been through is awful...you've really had a hard time. I hope you're kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve and heal? Have you thought about a therapist...or even journalling, writing everything down. Write all your feelings out in a letter to him and then burn it! You can and will come out of this stronger - you have to, for your children if nobody else xx

@Lonelyeartsclub hello and welcome!! I'm also super excited for spring...i think everything will feel a little bit easier wont it?

@feeficken I really feel for you..its nice to get perspective from a man because sometimes mumsnet can feel a bit like its only men that do these awful things...when its really not! You definitely deserve more than someone who doesn't choose you first. Hope you had a good poo bag shopping trip haha! I also know the feeling that you and @Newsinglemum58 mention - I got with my ex age 17 and now im an adult with no lone identity it feels like. I didn't get to grow up and find myself..we grew up together.

[quote Beachtrip]@feeficken
Bloody hell mate, that sounds extremely painful and a major headfuck.
She can't have her cake and eat it.
If she came back now and chose you... would you be ok with that? And if so, why?
Don't have to answer to me of course, but more think about why that would be ok.
I do this a lot.
If ghoster came back now, I'd be inclined to engage and I need to know why that is.
Is it loneliness? Is it comfort? Is it a foundation?
Is it that I just don't care that much what has happened... I forgive easily and over understand others, which is why I end up in these situations.
Also, for me.. (and this is hard to admit) I haven't been hurt enough. Unless someone completely destroys me I tend to keep giving. I'm working on this btw!
I have more self worth now then before.

But I can imagine what it must be like to give be Hope constantly.
It's called breadcrumbing. Google it.

Here for any support, for all of you.
This group has helped me the last few days!!

Having a tough day today. Eldest is just on one. Someone else said almost like a teenager... that's it! She's just pushing at me so hard and I snapped a bit earlier. Shouted and sent her to her room.
Youngest is just baiting her and I'm just like... are you kidding me?
It's barely 2pm..... [/quote]
ALL OF THIS!!! We are so similar its scary! I too wonder why I would engage with my ghoster and I think its for the reasons you state...I over understand people and try and see the best in them, usually putting their needs before mine. Self worth is a massive thing isn't it. Sending you strength for the kids!! My youngest always winds up my eldest and somehow eldest gets into trouble for it...my bad!

[quote irishoak]**@Newsinglemum58* @Beachtrip* Totally agree, a good cry is needed, especially at times like these!

It snowed a lot here overnight, so took the dog out for a walk...will admit to having another little cry after I passed a couple about my age having a snowball fight. They were both so happy, and the guy was so nice and friendly, making a joke about me and the dog joining in. I just felt so sad afterwards, wishing I had someone to have fun with. And sad that I couldn't have had that kind of fun with my husband, I'd have been too worried about making him angry somehow, or something going wrong and making him angry and then him sulking all day. I feel a bit like I've missed my chance at a happy marriage or family now, because even if I did find someone nice all of the stuff from this marriage has messed me up mentally and emotionally and financially.[/quote]
I admit to doing this..having a cry when walking but it does help to get it out. I also watch men in supermarkets with their kids being an amazing dad, or just people watching couples in general and wondering if I will ever have anything even close to that again. Im also messed up mentally and emotionally after an emotionally abusive marriage...Im wondering if my baggage will always just make men run away!

@havecourage8bekind
He has no right to tell you how it hurt him. That is further control.

It's only too soon if you know you aren't ready for a relationship. It took me 3 years to be ready and it's been 18 months of dating highs and lows.
I haven't signed up again yet.
But am amusing myself with an old flame, we both know there's no future. But the texts are fun and harmless so why not. He knows everything that is happening in my life right now so i feel ok about it.

Don't feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about

@beachtrip thank you, I needed to hear that. It definitely is too soon for me, I know I need to work on myself before I allow anyone else in because it won't end well otherwise. Just seems gin and loneliness thought it was a good idea last night! Definitely nothing wrong with some fun and harmless texting - esp if you both know where you stand. Enjoy it!! X

@feeficken I was in the same situation as you. He left me for ow, then kept coming back. I’ve now realised it was because I was what he knew, I was his shoulder to cry on, the person to share meals, snuggle up to etc and that was all. I deserve more. I deserve someone loves me inside out. Not someone who keeps me around as second best.
It’s so hard not to contact him. I keep looking at my txts but what would it achieve, other than me feeling an idiot.
It’s took me a long time to come to this conclusion, sounds like your not at it yet, but you will get there.

@lonelyeartsclub it can take a long time to get to that point can't it x

@havecourage8bekind it really can and as frustrating as it is for family and friends who all see what you can’t see, sometimes we just have to go through that ourselves.

I for one are extremely happy that I’ve had a stress free evening of doing what I want and can now go star fish in my bed

We have to get their in our own time, don't we. My best friends stood by me in an emotionally abusive marriage until I got my shit together to leave..it must be hard for them to watch us keep going back. Enjoy your starfishing!! I'm laid on the sofa with a gin watching married at first sight.

Just read a quote that's really hit home for me! "Everyone talks about how hard it is to trust people after you've been hurt. Why does nobody talk about how hard it is to trust YOURSELF when you've had your gut insticts and convictions skillfully undermined by someone"

Love that quote @havecourage8bekind

I find the hardest times are first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
And it gets me annoyed cos it's like... they are clearly finding it so easy to walk away and forget. But I'm left here with all these feelings and thoughts.
It's so unfair!

Forgive me for not RTFT. I read the OP, and can't believe I just put a thread up very similar. I finished my relationship, so I don't know why I feel sad, I think it's because he has a relationship and I don't, they have the imagined outcome I wanted.

If it wasn't a shitty situation, I'd be out with mates and not given it a second thought. But I'm ruminating and cannot focus on much else at the moment

@lothermand
I totally get that.

When I was 'attached' I didn't mind the evenings where I a was alone, even if he had gone to bed or was busy, but I knew there was someone out there who wanted me.
Now, I just feel so alone and unwanted.

@Lonelyeartsclub I think right now I am phasing in and out of the reality of the situation your describing. One minute I am so angry and I think a lot of the anger is at myself for being a door mat, what’s happened to the strength I had before this. I don’t go for stereotypes and all that stuff (all the macho crap men don’t cry etc etc) but as the husband and as a father I was always strong for my family especially during the times they couldn’t be but right now I’m exhausted. I think your right family and friends see what we don’t, God knows my two grown children have tried to shake me and I know if both Mum and Dad where still alive they would be trying to open my eyes.

@Beachtrip I particularly find it harder in the mornings myself it seems to be when I feel it most. It can be hard to just get up at times but I’ve got to force myself and I break it down to small task, get up, get showered and shaved, get dressed and look decent, get work done.

I too struggle with the feeling of being left behind while they get to be all giddy and start a new life together, I honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach.

A quote I came across that’s soo very true...

“How many scars did we justify because we loved the person holding the knife”

@havecourage8bekind sorry that your marriage was like that you defiantly deserve better.

My husband binned me off just before Xmas. After 24 years he left for another woman who literally lives around the corner.
I've been on my own in lockdown ever since.
My family live miles away.
We moved here for his job a couple of years ago.
I've no one I know locally.
Adult children live 4 and hours drive away.
I've sat in an empty house every day since.
I lost 2 jobs last year so not working either.
I walk daily and say hello to a lovely couple who walk their border collie. I say thanks every Wednesday to the Asda Clivk and Collrct man.

That's it.
Tuesday next week I'm.off fir a blood test. I can't wait.

Seriously it's fucking shit.
I hope it might get better eventually but in reality the rest of this year I'm probably going to be Billy no mates.

@Beachtrip thank you.

After RTFT now, I've seen some of the stories of betrayal, being left for someone else, and how devastating that must feel for the people involved.
I think this depressing lockdown magnifies everything that's happened, and compounds the loneliness.

@feeficken I understand when you say about 'them' forging a life together, and feeling left behind, I too feel this way, even though I left the relationship (I certainly had reason to).

@InsaneLockdowner that's sounds an incredibly difficult situation for you, I admire the fact you push yourself to walk daily, I don't think I could muster the motivation to do so. The mental well-being of people like yourself, and others on this thread, will be very fragile after this lockdown. I, for one, feel myself slowly slipping away. I have to get a handle on it before it takes me under.

Happy valentine's day everyone, here's a little picture for anyone struggling. It's really shitty how many of us are feeling down and lonely but we must remember that this will pass. We will get through it - heartache and lockdown will end. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for..we show up every day no matter how crap and lonely we feel. I hope you all can have a valentine's Day where you show yourself even ten minutes of self love xxx

@InsaneLockdowner I know exactly how you feel! Tomorrow is my day to go to the supermarket, and I'm sadly really excited about it - been looking forward to it for a few days! it feels like life is a big stretch of grey at the moment, with the odd small spot of colour.

Another piece of advice someone told me was to have something in each day to look forward to, even if it's something small like a new episode of a TV show or a nice cup of coffee. I've been trying to plan these things into the week, and some days it works and they lift my mood, and some days they just seem so small and silly that they make me sad.

@insanelockdowner @irishoak I know the feeling. my children go to school X3 a week and there's a lady we see every morning on our walk there, who we say hello to. I look forward to it, which seems so bizarre! Also get excited to put a bit of makeup on and head to Asda once a week...even find myself striking conversation with the checkout staff when before I'd wanna get in and out as quick as possible!

Urrgghh the urge to message my wife today is really strong. I’m still in bed and can heard the heart beating in my chest. I was always romantic on days like today so to be doing nothing just feels off. Just to send a heart emoji or an I love you but I know I will probably end up feeling worse for it.

I adore that quote. Absolutely adore it!

Happy Valentine's Day to all the strong single ladies (and men!)
Be honest, I woke up and nearly burst into tears.
But no. It's just a day!

Love that you're excited to see that woman! I love this! I need more of this in my life

@feeficken stay strong! You sound like a really lovely man and you deserve someone who knows that and puts you first. Sending a message would make you feel better for 0.1 seconds, to get it off your chest, but after that you'd feel worse I'm sure of it. You've got this x