Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@mummyof2lou
I just googled self soothe after reading your post and found lots of things then realised I could probably do with a bit of self soothing as feel really low so running a bath as we speak with muscle relax bath bubble and Epsom slew salts then once my dc’s are in bed I shall get in bed with my lavender oil in the mister whilst watching Jigsaw on Netflix (someone recommended it on The relationship board) then get an early night. Lack of sleep always makes me feel worse

Here is the website

claritychi.com/self-soothing-anxieties-away/

I will be checking out the self soothe advice too. Let us know what you think of jigsaw..I watched it the other night and mentioned on here how good I thought it was! He's got very dark humour, but when he talks about love and relationships it's an eye opener!

Ps..we've all nearly made it through today! Hope everyone is okay. I've had an up & down day but I'm looking forward to letting the kids sleep in my bed tonight...then sneaking down for a face mask & hot bubble bath!

@mummyof2lou
Sorry you've had a rubbish day.
I would reckon he finds it easier because he did the leaving. It's so much easier when you've done the leaving then it is to be left.
It will get better.

Give been busy all day, but it hasn't entirely been a breeze. Kids were tired so played up and cried often. Mega tantrums and a great many tears. I cried at one point because it's just so fucking relentless.
But bedtime is here.

Chin up fellow lonely hearts. We will get through this together! (She says, feeling utterly shit, unloved and unwanted... 😢)

@beachtrip it was me who called time on it. That's why I don't understand why I'm upset and he's ok. Maybe a male female emotional state

@lonelyeartsclub thank you, will have a good read of that and try and find something to help in those moments

@mummyof2lou oh gosh, sorry, I must have misread!
Well, good for you, in a way.
But I do think, you called time and probably didn't want to have to.
You're not mourning the loss of him, but the loss of the unit, family etc.
It's hard.
I called time on my marriage 5 years ago. Abs I struggled for a while, even though it was horribly abusive.

I think it’s understandable to be sad even if you were the one who ended it. I called time on mine too but I still miss him, feel dreadfully lonely sometimes & care about him ... despite everything that happened. The wedding is what makes me the saddest of all. I regret that so much & wish someone could say something to take that away!

@changeispossible why do you regret the wedding? Just curious. I view that as a happy time at the time, and it feels like a lifetime ago now anyway.

Uurrrghh I caved and sent a message asking if she would like to meet and of course it was a no which to be honest I knew it would be. All I have done is kick myself and feel crap about it all day! I keep questioning why I would do that, I’m just hurting myself at this point, why is my self respect not that important to me. It was so bloody weak. Just makes my head spin that you can just drop someone like that.

Speaking as a man I feel this underlying expectation and pressure that we should just dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up and move on because if our partners leave us for someone else we can just say fuck them. How many times did you guys have conversations with friends or your partner about if one or the other cheated bet you said you’d kick their arse to the curb I know I did but man it’s a whole lot more complex than that.

There is an element of shame that runs through me I couldn’t keep my family together, that I couldn’t meet my wife’s needs or she at the very least didn’t or couldn’t talk to me about it. I look at my son as he has watched me tail spin at times and watched me offer forgiveness so many times to his Mum and offer unconditional love knowing if it where him I would have advised that he had to stop and guided him gently out of this hurt.

I won’t go into the details but you wouldn’t believe the lengths I have gone to try and turn this situation around, why don’t I ever feel it’s enough? I’ve been through months of gas lighting and told everything was my fault so that my wife can ease her do conscious for what’s she’s doing and I have been her comfort when that all got to much for her.

Sorry for the rambling i think this situation has shown me there is a lot of work I need to do on myself.

@mummyof2lou @Changeispossible I also finished my relationship, I had no feelings for him, so how do I explain the hurt I felt at seeing a pic of them togetherso yes, I agree, you can still be upset if you finished it. You are grieving for the imagined outcome. I do not want him, but I do want the whole package that they now have.

This thread couldn't have come at a better time!

@feeficken
Because your human. Be kind to yourself.
You sent the text, because you needed to. Don't beat yourself up.
This isn't as black and white as it should be.
She's made her choice but dangling a false hope to you constantly. It's cruel really.

You can explain all this to your son at some point, how old is he?

Self love and self respect are some of the hardest things to culture and maintain. We are brought up in a world that prioritises other people's needs and wants above our own. This is so wrong.
You're the centre of your universe, your needs come first. That's not selfish. You can't pour from any empty cup.

Please don't blame yourself, feeling you couldn't meet her needs. I've often felt my needs aren't being met, but indirectly they are. It's whether we choose to see it or not.

Sorry you've had a rubbish day.
Set limits for yourself. Make it one day at a time, if that's too much then hour by hour. At the end of each hour see it as a goal reached. Then you only have to make it through another hour etc etc.

@feeficken I think a lot of people would've caved. When you love someone, truly love them, it's not black and white, and it bloody hurts! and you're certainly not weak!

The pressure you feel is societal, I don't think many women though would agree with that, probably a macho thing. I'd hate for my DS to shoulder that hurt alone, without seeking help somewhere. Yes I always said I'd kick someone out for cheating, I didn't, but, I never got over it, and would bring it up at every argument, so the relationship was doomed.

I think all your thoughts and feelings (shame, guilt etc) are completely natural, but I'd try and process them as to why you feel that way.

I couldn't get on with my ex, after 7 years of trying (and we are no spring chickens) I called it a day. I wasn't looking for anyone else, I was just head wrecked. that was 2.5 years ago, he very quickly met someone else. I still struggle to see how she can 'tolerate' him and I couldn't. I see myself as flawed, that there must be something wrong with me because I couldn't get along with him (he was bloody difficult) so I do identify with what you say about your feelings.

Be kind and forgiving to yourself, there is no shame in loving, wanting, and showing someone you still care about them. You will find strength along the way, but in the meantime, take time to process the thought, the feeling, it helps to acknowledge it.

Keep posting here, I have taken a lot of strength from this thread over the past couple of days🙏🏼

@mummyof2lou

Thanks. I regret it because the writing was on the wall & I feel humiliated that our marriage only lasted 3 years and no-one knows the full story or what I had to put up with & how badly he treated me.

It was a long relationship (15 years, 3 of those married).

Morning everyone :) my plans for an evening of self love/bath/facemask ended in me being asleep for 8pm in bed with the kids. I think that's the self care I needed though! Woken up feeling really good for a long sleep, and I erased any chances of sitting last night feeling sorry for myself. @feeficken You did it because your heart told you to, because you're a good man and you love and miss her. It's easy for us to say "don't do it you deserve better' but it's hard and we get it. You've had some really amazing advice and love from other posters so Im just sending you a virtual hug instead!

@changeispossible I feel the same regarding our marriage. Deep down I think I knew I was settling for less than I deserved and ignored so many red flags. It also feels hard looking back, all our family and friends watching us say vows and five years later it's over!

*our wedding, not marriage

Morning!!

I treated myself to half a tub of ice cream last night and don't regret a single spoonful.

For the first day since the ghosting, I haven't woken up sad either! Sure it will spring itself on me shortly but to wake not feeling it is amazing

@havecourage8bekind sleep is an amazing healer. You so needed it!

Bath can happen any day

@beachtrip so happy that you've woken up not sad about ghoster!! I've just spent 10 mins reading my r.h.sin book & it's amazing how poetry is helping. Never thought I'd be the kind of person who enjoyed a cup of tea and some poetry on a Monday morning haha! Oooh the ice cream sounds good! I'm more of a -share- bag of crisps girl lol

Do you think the anger goes away?
Like ever?

I don't feel sad today, I don't feel that yearning or hope today.
But I still feel anger about what he did.
Is that something I just have to live with?

@beachtrip I think when someone has acted a certain way thats hurt you badly, it will always be a scar that we carry that will evoke anger in us when thought about or triggered. But I do believe that in time you think about it less and less, therefore feeling the anger less often?

My kids are fully on one today!!! I'm the worst mum ever apparently because I asked my seven year old to put her own socks on so we could go feed the ducks!

My youngest has completely ignored me saying we're going so far. Still in his pj's and no shoes or coat on at all.
What is so triggering about putting things on??
Children are weird.

Hang in there. And also, bribery!

I think you're right and I think that's why I'm angry. Grow the fuck up and just say something. But to leave someone just completely hanging is abhorrent. It's cowardly and you know full well they will struggle with it.
Not texting. Not texting. Not texting.
(I deleted all his info, however, his details are freely available online and it would be so easy to get them and shoot off a text)

@havecourage8bekind I didn’t end up watching Jigsaw last night but plan to tonight.

My youngest has woken me up between 5 and 6 am all week and I’ve being very lax at taking my antidepressants the last week so I’m feeling pretty low right now, especially after 6 out of 7 days with my 2 kids (youngest who is very very clingy and also in the tantrum phase). I just want someone to come and take over, be the parent and look after me. I keep thinking about how alone I am but to be honest my ex dh was never there for me emotionally or practically through our relationship. It was always me who looked after him, ensured he was ok, sorted lap the house / bills / cooking etc so I’m not sure why I’m missing something I never had. I think I’m just sleep deprived and need to pick up my new prescription of antidepressants today . It’s just so hard to stay positive.

Anyone else feel like there boring family and friends now? Feel like people think I should be ok now