Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

Hi @sandgrown yeah I can understand that feeling of not wanting to meet someone in a way... I flit between the loneliness and then questioning am I even ready to dive into something new with someone else... sort of a scary prospect not that there's anyone at all on the horizon.

Lockdown makes everything so much harder and the constant back and forth on when it will lift/if it will/ how long we will get freedoms back and whether they will be taken away again..... hard to live under such uncertainty when you are already going through difficult personal challenges. It's nice to meet people in similar situations as in real life I feel like I'm the only one I know in this sort of circumstance which makes you feel even more of a pariah...

Hello fellow lonely people.
Separated from exdh 9 months ago (typical story of he cheated, left me, came back, left me, came back, left me).
I know he didn’t give me what I needed or wanted and I do not miss the tension is the house if he was stressed or him shouting at the kids but I do miss someone being here. It makes it ten times worse with lockdown and working from home.
My weekends with the kids are so long! My youngest is going through a tantrum phase and eldest is like a moody argumentative teenager so it’s very draining. I can’t wait for it to be spring so we can get out in the garden, go for nice days out etc

Thanks @Newsinglemum58 I'm really trying to think like that but feel stuck in a massive hole. The hurt is crushing me and I'm really struggling to function, the pangs of hurt are like a knife in the chest and just relentless, everything reminds me of him, I don't know how to move on it's horrible, I just want head under divet forever

@Overtherainbow12 I know that feeling I do... not so strong but something similar. It's going to hurt like hell for some time but it will get better.. one day you'll lose that attachment to him and it will feel amazing and freeing. Until then, you must feeling your feelings... the fact you can shows you are functional, human, and healthy. As much as it hurts it's better to feel than be numb and disconnected as I believe many people are..

Hi @Lonelyeartsclub yep I hear you. It's really tough. Tougher than ever thanks to covid and govt restrictions. We are really being tested right now...

@Newsinglemum58 thank you so much I really hope it does, at the moment I just can't see any end or future, I wish I was numb and detached it's so raw, i wish I could be sedated to just get me thru, I don't know how to get out of it and be better for the kids every days just a battle to not completely breakdown and lose it I hate this so much

@Overtherainbow12 oh bless you x I can really feel your agony in your words. Wish there was some way to stop the pain but sadly it's a grief that has to be gone through. Be kind to yourself, you're doing your best xx

That exactly it’s grief, I always really feel it in the mornings and it would be so easy to just send my wife that one text to tell her I love her and I miss her and the urge to reach out is so strong. Then it flips she’s chosen the OM and it stops me, it tells me keep some dignity you’ve already lost so much of it over the last year, then the loving part flips back. It really is an emotional rollercoaster!

@feeficken oh that's hard.... god relationships are so complicated aren't they? I just long for one where it doesn't have to be that way or end painfully.

@Newsinglemum58 yeah they sure are. My wife has bounced back and forth between me and OM not sure what she wants. It’s been a hellish year of it. I get to a point where I say fuck this not taking anymore and the of course after some time the part of me that’s still in love with her starts trying to rule the head. Truth is I don’t have a lot of relationship experience other than with my wife, we met as teenagers fell in love and that was that. I don’t mind admitting she is the only woman I have been with and truthful I the only woman I want to be with but I guess that’s a right now anyway as I go through the “motions” and that may change.

Exciting job today to go pick up poo bags, get the shopping done and get the house tidied. Hopefully keep me busy until can settle down to watch something tonight.

@feeficken that sounds really really hard for you. I also got together young at 17 so I know what it feels like to find yourself single after all you've known is being in a couple.... bloody hard. Possibly the problem getting together so young is you don't have that time to fully discover who you are as a person before they come along and maybe this is why marriages breakdown 20 years later. People change and worry - what did I miss out on etc? Sometimes the love fades, isn't as strong or you realise it wasn't what you thought. It's different for every couple I guess.
Before our split I developed feelings for another guy though it didn't ever become anything physical thank god. I don't condone affairs but sometimes these feelings happen and they are a warning sign all is not how it should be in your relationship...

Yeah definitely we’d become entrenched in the rituals of everyday life and we both forgot to nurture our relationship, part of me understands how she could have developed feelings for her co-worker, I have a part to play after all I was 50% of us. The hardest part here is she says she still loves me which is why she has bounced back and forth and we can still be affectionate and we miss each other but of course the OM is there and the feelings for him and she says she loves me but isn’t in love with me, guess is hard to wrap my head around especially cause the OM is in the mix which has just hurt everyone all round.

@feeficken crikey sounds quite similar to my situation! Difference was I knew the feelings for DH weren't what they needed to be so I didn't have the back and forth confusion. Also the guy I fell for was a weirdo and a time waster so never came to anything, he just liked the attention.
The fact she says she's confused about her feelings for you and him must be so tough on you. Sending strength....

@feeficken make sure you look out for yourself though as it's important you ask yourself what you want.... rather than what she wants... I'm great at dishing out advice crap at taking it!

@Newsinglemum58 haha that’s me too, I am great at counselling everyone else and giving wisdom just not good with it when I need it lol. She’s back with the OM just now and I just don’t have the strength at this point to do anything. I am starting to think if she really wanted us she’d fight for it so just have to accept the reality it’s likely over.

We’ll see what happens next.

@feeficken well the harsh person in me says she can't have her cake and eat it too. She needs to decide him or you.... but I know these things aren't always black and white. Life is hard but luckily we are made of tough stuff.

@feeficken
Bloody hell mate, that sounds extremely painful and a major headfuck.
She can't have her cake and eat it.
If she came back now and chose you... would you be ok with that? And if so, why?
Don't have to answer to me of course, but more think about why that would be ok.
I do this a lot.
If ghoster came back now, I'd be inclined to engage and I need to know why that is.
Is it loneliness? Is it comfort? Is it a foundation?
Is it that I just don't care that much what has happened... I forgive easily and over understand others, which is why I end up in these situations.
Also, for me.. (and this is hard to admit) I haven't been hurt enough. Unless someone completely destroys me I tend to keep giving. I'm working on this btw!
I have more self worth now then before.

But I can imagine what it must be like to give be Hope constantly.
It's called breadcrumbing. Google it.

Here for any support, for all of you.
This group has helped me the last few days!!

Having a tough day today. Eldest is just on one. Someone else said almost like a teenager... that's it! She's just pushing at me so hard and I snapped a bit earlier. Shouted and sent her to her room.
Youngest is just baiting her and I'm just like... are you kidding me?
It's barely 2pm.....

@Beachtrip I think sometimes it's because we settle for less than we know we are worth which when you think about it is really sad... I think if I had more and better options romantically speaking I wouldn't do this but here we are....

Sorry you're having a tough day. Really tricky when they wind each other up like that, my girls do it and drives me nuts! Mine are with their dad this weekend and I'm trying to psych myself up to go for a walk but I've got a headache.... I know I should go but.... motivation!

@feeficken please don't put yourself through this. You're her place of memories and comfort, but if she comes back you'll just be waiting for the day she goes again. To me the fact she's gone means she's made her decision, even if it doesn't sit well with her all the time. Don't be her back up. There is someone out there who will want you more wholeheartedly, which is what you deserve. I know it's painful right now, there's no worse pain. One foot in front of the other, day by day...

@Beachtrip some of what your saying I can understand, I tend to forgive very easily and I tend to make excuses for others mistakes or try to understand or explain from their point of view why they would do something that’s not right (the over understanding people part).

Honestly part of me knows it’s cake eating and part of me thinks would I be second best if she came back. Honestly it’s not the half of it we went through a period of in house separation and I watched her get ready on the weekends knowing where she was going and yet I’d still show her love whe she came back, it’s so fucked up and I think some of the anger I have is with myself for putting up with it. Eventually I’d had enough and moved out.

It must be really hard in these situations with kids so I feel for you there, we had our kids really young, although I’m only 39 both my kids are grown.

@Newsinglemum58 @Beachtrip Totally agree, a good cry is needed, especially at times like these!

It snowed a lot here overnight, so took the dog out for a walk...will admit to having another little cry after I passed a couple about my age having a snowball fight. They were both so happy, and the guy was so nice and friendly, making a joke about me and the dog joining in. I just felt so sad afterwards, wishing I had someone to have fun with. And sad that I couldn't have had that kind of fun with my husband, I'd have been too worried about making him angry somehow, or something going wrong and making him angry and then him sulking all day. I feel a bit like I've missed my chance at a happy marriage or family now, because even if I did find someone nice all of the stuff from this marriage has messed me up mentally and emotionally and financially.

The part I find the hardest is remembering the wedding. The big wedding that H and I spent a fortune on. It feels like a trauma remembering it. All those people including my colleagues there. I feel like a fool sometimes when I remember it.

@irishoak ah I can relate to what you are saying completely there. Feel like I've missed the boat too and often have those moments when you see a happy couple having that carefree, friendship side to a relationship. You aren't alone in feeling like it. Sometimes I think it's a process of acceptance of the choices we've made and the journey it took us on. Otherwise what else do we have - regret for what w have potentially missed. That's never going to end well.

@Newsinglemum58 yeah, I can't imagine what it would be like to have a carefree friendship with a partner again. It all comes from trust I suppose - trusting that they won't fly off the handle at something you say or do, trust that they won't say something so horribly hurtful that you can't forget it, trust that you can just be yourself and that being yourself will be okay.

@irishoak yeah exactly that. Trust is the foundation from which everything else grows and builds I think. Important to feel safe and to have a friendship that grounds you. If only you could Deliveroo one to your house?....