Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@feeficken that's a really good perspective. No, I didn't feel like messaging him, but I think part of that is... what is there to say?
Were totally separate lives, we have no links at all except each other.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you.
Sending you strength and hugs

Do something nice for yourself, like learning yoga through YouTube. There are lots of 30-day courses, such as Yoga With Tim, Fightmaster Yoga, Yoga With Adriene...

How's everyone doing?

Having a bit of a fed up day today. Anxious about back to school next week and yet another change to life... I know it is for the best but change is hard and it seems to be constant....

It's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I feel quite positive and content others I feel so bored and frustrated and angry! So hard trying to find joy living under these restrictions.

Had an ok day I think.
But I totally get you. It's been very up and down lately.

I'm anxious about school return because the kids don't seem excited. Both saying they don't want to go. I'm sure it's just nerves and they will love it.
But also, I'm nervous as suddenly I'll have nothing to do! And I'm looking forward to it but also... not.

How's everyone else doing?

Hi everyone can I join? I’ve just split up with my long term partner of 15 years a week ago and I’m feeling awful, so lonely, sick, anxious. Please tell me it gets better

Welcome @GlitterFairy5 - it does get better definitely but what you are feeling right now is very normal and your emotions will be up and down for a while. Sending hugs.

It does get better. Life goes on.
I'm feeling really low at the moment.
Think I'm scared of the kids returning to school.
I've been focused on it for so long, like an end goal, but now it's on the cusp and I know I've been using it as a distraction partly.
Then it will just be me rattling around in my house alone

So we are at least talking again so the atmosphere is better at the very least but the only problem with that is I just fall hard for her again. We've been talking about a possible "us" future and she seems open to that possibility but right now there is no firm commitment from her. I am hoping If its really not something she could want then she would simply say no its not happening. I hate living in this limbo.

I am just not sure how to really handle all of this, I mean who does right? I am mentally exhausted and I am just so confused right now. In my mind I am thinking if shes open to talking that way then perhaps what she has with this OM isn't all its cracked up to be and the thought of moving out has her full of doubt which could be a chance for me to further show her we have something to fight for. Of course at the same I am panicking inside because the OM is still on the scene but I am trying not to show that.

Just not sure what to make of all of this right now its all really just exhausting. I love this woman with all my heart and I am 100% committed to her and I am 100% committed to making our relationship so much better than before.

@feeficken hugs, my friend.
You sound in such pain.
But you also sound like you know what you want.
How would you feel giving her an ultimatum?
You or him?

@Beachtrip thank you, you know I've thought about an ultimatum and I think I worry if I do that I would push her to him but then again perhaps thats the answer I would need, I don't know. Things seems to be fragile right now but am I just here to make life easier? or does she really have doubts about her future with OM and maybe she can see a future where "we" have something better.

I guess I feel right now I am back in the pick me dance trying to show her that this new life she is dreaming about is right in front of her, but at the same time its making me angry she is still hurting me and that I am still living in this limbo.

Guess I have my answer, I love this woman so much and this just hurts so bad right now I just do not know what to do. How can someone just stop loving like that, is it the fact she’s with OM that’s driving this that’s all that I have in my head. What if he wasn’t there.

The what ifs are the hardest part. Because they are completely unanswerable.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I suggest the no contact rule, which doesn't work entirely if you're living together, but google the limited contact rule.
It's just breaking down that barrier of contact and communication.
It's a win win, cos either she sees you pulling away and chases you (but still maintain the rule) or you get some distance and become stronger.
Each is a win.
Here for you if you need support

Thanks @Newsinglemum58 and @Beachtrip

I seem to be feeling worse every day rather than a bit better each day. I normally have a bit of anxiety anyway but manage it without medication but at the moment I’m feeling unable to cope, constant butterflies in my stomach as if I have so much adrenaline getting ready for something big to happen. It’s an awful feeling, I’m seeing it as a win just getting through the days at the moment.

It’s making it worse that ex doesn’t seem to care, yes I told him to leave but it was because of things he done and he doesn’t seem to have any emotion at all.

I think I’m nervous about the kids returning to school as well, hopefully the return of routine will be helpful

@GlitterFairy5 it’s very early days and you really are in the thick of all this so know what your feeling is totally normal. As I’m sure you’ve seen from my posts I am there right now with my wife. If you feel overwhelmed speak to your Dr and perhaps get some medication to level you out. This is a real trauma and it really is.

I get what you mean about the sudden coldness it’s like your a stranger and that you simply no longer matter, all you are how is in the way. I know it’s brutal and I too really struggle with that aspect of it, it’s so unexpected and as the person that still loves it hard to get your head around.

Morning everyone and welcome @glitterfairy5!

@glitterfairy5 Those feelings are normal and the ups and downs still shock me. I can be crying on the bedroom floor feeling like life isn't worth living one day, but the next morning I can be in a completely different place.

I've found keeping a journal helps. You read back and realise it's patterns/triggers. Also helps you realise what brings it on, but also how fickle your own emotions can be. In those times I say to myself 'it won't feel like this forever' and know I have to acknowledge it but ride it out. Sending you positive vibes for a peaceful Sunday

@feeficken I read your updates and urge you in my head to walk away! Her indecision should be enough to know she doesn't love you the way you need her to. I know how much it hurts but the minute you make that decision you are one day closer to healing. Right now you're stuck by letting her have this control. If it's meant to be it'll happen, even if you do walk away now. You deserve so much better than this

@mummyof2lou I know your right and I know 100% that her actions have proven that. If I could I’d stay with DD I would but I know my wife and OM spent time there in her spare room (makes me sick) before her and DD fell out (I think DD bought into all of it at first trying to support her Mum). Also at the same time I don’t want to leave DS in the thick of it as he still lives with us and suffers from anxiety. So I am stuck here right now, there are days I can’t even look at her and I get so mad inside because she’s acting like everything is normal and the hurt she is causing all round.

I’m not saying if she wants out the marriage she should stay cause leaving hurts people I’m saying have the dignity to do it honestly and not because she’s got someone else waiting in the wings overlapping/monkey branching.

@feeficken we still live together too and it makes it impossible to move on. However you can shut down her to and fro talk of you vs him. Make it clear she has made her decision by not making one. Treat it like a house share, and meanwhile make your plans to move forward as best you can. Everytime you entertain her indecision you set yourself back. I know it's so much easier said than done. I'm useless taking my own advice. I just think she's being so unfair

Yeah I think that’s the stage I am at, right now I just feel I don’t want to be around her. I love her deeply but I also just want peace from all of this my head is spinning.

I've been so crap on here, promise I'm gonna have a good catch up tonight! Feeling good at the moment, confidence has hit me from somewhere and I don't know if it's the increased anti-ds but I'm feeling 'ok'!? Long may it last - probably about 3 days knowing me but il take it! Had a girls night zoom last night which I needed, my cheeks still feel achy - it made me realise I don't laugh much these days. Sad really :( Still chatting to the guy I mentioned before, we will call him 'S', it may be early days and I'm not even sure it will come to anything but it's restored my faith in good kind men! Happy Sunday everyone x

Evening all. Glad to hear you're feeling good @havecourage8bekind and found a decent guy to chat to... they aren't easy to find! So 🏅...

I'm ok ish... bit up and down again... Been struggling with some health issues which have been getting me down and just want to feel normal again as it's been affecting my quality of life massively. Sacked off my FWB (again... done it a few times in the past 9 months.. just can't deal with the inconsistency of it, messes my head up so much.)

Been feeling a lot of guilt over the separation too as youngest has been struggling and said the other day she finds it hard switching between homes which sort of broke my heart in two. I don't know what to say because at the end of the day we weren't a good couple or a happy one so for me this was the only option. Just feel shit that she is suffering though... like I've failed her.

Waves to everyone and you're all managing.

@feeficken thinking of you... sounds impossibly hard what you are going through with your wife.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with the guilt of feeling you've failed/damaged the kids with the marriage breaking up? Feel I'm really struggling with this at the moment and worried I'm screwing up my youngest emotionally....

Hope everyone is okay. Just feeling like shit just now, totally feel low, I don’t want to sound so weak but I just feel like right now nobody gives a shit about me or has my back. It honestly feels like there is something wrong with me mentally because I can’t stop trying to save my marriage, it’s like I can’t help myself. I read what you guys write and while your struggling you also seem so strong and have boundaries of what you will and won’t accept and stick to them and that’s amazing. We had a day today where we talked and I conveyed to my wife how much I love her and she will participate in these conversations and it has me totally confused because I think perhaps she really doesn’t know what she wants and I need to tread carefully but how long can I take the lack of commitment for, or is she just biding her time trying to keep me sweet till she moves out. I don’t want to be an arsehole and perhaps push the two of them solidly together if there are doubts but again I don’t know that. She has no problem with me hugging her and being affectionate etc, but then I think shes probably in bed texting away with him at night (I don’t know for sure just gut instinct) but then why shouldn’t she be it’s her boyfriend it’s no secret! That’s what I mean what’s wrong with me it really makes me feel sick and makes me look so weak with no self respect and that’s just not me, I feel a shadow of the man I was a year ago I could handle anything. I honestly do not think she has any clue what it’s doing to me internally. Its a fucking horrible (sorry for swearing) situation and I am really getting so fed up, it’s been a year and I have fought for us tirelessly and I am exhausted. I moved out initially to get away from this exact situation and now I am right back in it.

I hate acting like everything is normal when this is such a messed up situation to be sitting in. How can we still live together while moving on if that’s what’s she is planning to do and she seems to have gone quite quiet on that front and hasn’t gone to see any flats since last week.

Sorry for the ramble need to let it out.

@Newsinglemum58 I think there is a lot of dynamics when it comes to this, even thought my children are adults I feel as though I have failed them also as I wanted my wife and I to "buck the trend" and be that couple that stayed together until old age. I think as well the fact she has blamed me for everything has made me feel even worse when it comes to feeling guilty as I now question everything.

The other element of feeling a failure is because the marriage itself has ended and I have been unable to keep your family together. I am honestly not sure what the answer is to getting past that yet as it just feels so overwhelming. I try to look back objectively at the good that I have accomplished and I look at my children and I am very proud of them. I can only guide my family through this as best I can despite feeling utterly devastated and it feeling all consuming.