Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

Cheers @lapaverde :-) I like your username by the way.

Hi all.

@feeficken how are you feeling today?
That feeling will come and go I suspect.
If it does go don't beat yourself, you're human.
It will ebb and flow. One way or another you will heal. Even if you get back together, you still need to heal on your own.

@havecourage8bekind how are you doing?

Evening all

Welcome to the new posters! I'm sure we would all rather not be on this thread but on it we are! 🥴 My weekend hasn't been so bad. I put a tv in my bedroom and it could be a game changer! 🤞

Can't believe it is March tomorrow.... hope everyone has a good week ahead and we keep getting a bit more sunshine.

Hi everyone - hope your weekend has been enjoyable. I am finding myself a bit more cheerful these days, I think it's the sunnier weather and longer daylight hours. The cold and the dark really compounded the misery over the winter, so here's to sunnier days ahead!

Although I am finding things a little easier and my mood lighter on the whole, I've got an upcoming meeting with my ex hanging over me. He wants a few things from the house so I'll drop them to him tomorrow. I really don't want to see his face again, and the anticipation of the meeting is making me feel so nervous and sick whenever I think about it. It seems from his messages like he's trying to be amicable and reasonable, but it might be different in person. And I'm worried that he'll ask something of me or make a comment and I'll have to decide between standing up for myself (and making him angry) or just the usual walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace.

@Beachtrip I’m doing okay thanks for asking, hope your doing okay (or better) too. Ive felt pretty much the same today, feeling a bit “meh” about it all just now, feel there is no fight left in me for us anymore and there is a slither of clarity sneaking through in my thinking. For example I am thinking more like my wife had left me multiple times to be with someone else, she’s gone behind my back at times and of course they have slept together and yet I’m the one fighting for us, I am asking myself WTF am I doing it just seems totally backwards. Still feeling a bit angry however as she’s still choosing to run off with OM and yet I seem to be the bad guy in all this, just can’t get my mind to twist round that.

I’ve avoided contact was I just can’t take any more anger or her doing something that just makes me feel like shit. Managed to get a few tasks done today so at least done something constructive and went for a walk tonight.

@irishoak could you perhaps take someone with you or ask them do it for you?

Hey guys, sorry I've been MIA! Had a really weird week...riding these waves of emotions is catching up with me a bit now. Didn't mind having a mixture of good days and bad days but it's getting exhausting never knowing how I'm gonna be feeling or when the next down episode is coming. Ex is being a dick, kids behaviour is declining and he's basically blaming it on my parenting which is giving me serious mum guilt, upped dosage of anti D's are making me quite tired and drowsy but I'm also not sleeping great which doesn't seem to make sense!!! I've started talking to a guy which is helping with the loneliness but at the same time I've no idea if I'm even ready for this or whether I'm just doing it for a bit of positive attention!? I've missed so many posts on here so il grab the laptop later after homeschooling & catch up/reply! Happy Monday xx

@havecourage8bekind god I perpetually feel like a crap mum, raising humans really is the hardest job going. I try to just tell myself I can only do my best and try (though it's hard) not to compare myself or take others comments as criticisms etc...

Embrace the positive attention!
Don't string him along obviously, but I'm doing the same.
Texting and calls with a guy I dated prior to ghoster. He knows the full score so I feel comfortable with it. It's fun and an ego boost. Go for it.

@newsinglemum58 crazy hard isn't it! I find day to day mum life fine, it's managing their behaviours that drains the life out of me! & @beachtrip definitely not stringing him along but worried when it comes to restrictions ending and meeting up - I'll panic or something! He's so lovely but massively got a guard up. Nice to have someone to chat shit to though lol xx

@havecourage8bekind behaviour management is the toughest particularly when as a parent you are going through tricky personal stuff as we all are. My 11 year old is pretty good and quite grown up but the 8 year old is more than enough for both of them behaviour wise at the moment. Think puberty is hitting early with her and it sucks.

@newsinglemum58 Mines 7 and a half so not far off yours and she's also the hardest behaviour wise!

I am not there yet the thought of chatting to someone or trying to get close to someone else just makes me feel disloyal to my wife, crazy right? considering she has her new man and we all know what they've been doing. I just can't see myself doing it just now and and the last thing I want is to be that guy that doesn't shut up about his ex! lol.

That said it must be nice to have someone at least show some interest and to help take your your mind off this stuff, so good for you not like you don't deserve it after all.

Right now this weird place I am just a bit deflated, just feeling a bit meh about the situation. Its really hard to explain I think perhaps for the first time I am seeing how much of a messed up situation this is and how much the dynamics of it where all wrong. I've got my faults of course I have but I didn't deserve this and I think I have been SOO busy thinking about my wife and trying to make things right that I haven't really taken a step back to think about what is going on. I think it comes back from those early days when this came out everything was my fault (I mean its got to be, I'm the bad guy right as she needed to justify this) and I basically just accepted that and ran with it.

@havecourage8bekind it's a tricky age I think I recall my eldest struggling too around this point. Much better since she's gone to secondary and developed her independence a bit...these will be needed in large quantities to get us through!

@feeficken you're incredibly loyal and faithful by the sounds of it and those traits will see you through whether things are fixable with your wife or you meet someone else one day. I think it's important to know if you are ready for something because wasting someone's time is super hurtful. I think as long as people are honest with their intentions it's better but feelings can have a way of getting involved.... I don't think I'm ready to actively look for another relationship but if I happen to meet someone that would be great. I'm fortunate (and maybe also unfortunate) that I have had company during lockdown as I met someone online but he doesn't want anything serious so he says... so I'm trying to accept that and see it for what it is because for me the connection and physical relationship is quite important. I do struggle with separating sex from emotions though so I don't think ultimately it's the best plan if you are like me in that respect.

Hugs/ physical affection for me are pretty important and so having that this past year did really help though the worry and doubt of a casual thing has slightly made it more stressful in the long run.... it's a trade off I guess and trying to figure out what you need and weighing up the pros and cons.

I find it difficult to separate sex and emotion if I feel something for that person.
I've found myself in some strange situations.
I generally regret sex if I don't have a connection as it's unfulfilling for me.
That physical touch is definitely a language for me. I want/need to feel wanted and comforted, whilst knowing that the touch also brings that person comfort too.

Definitely craving some physical touch...and some sex would be amazing!!! But I've never had casual sex before after being with my husband since teenagers so I have no idea if I'd be able to do it without th emotional connection! X

@Beachtrip yep definitely, I'm with you there. We do have something as the fact we've been meeting up for nine months now on and off but I think he is afraid of committing (like so many guys are) comfortable in the single lifestyle etc, so I think it's best for me to withdraw somewhat for the sake of my own emotions. I feel like I'm seeings things a bit more clearly lately which is good. God I miss hugs though!

@feeficken I've still not managed to catch up on recent posts so I think I might've missed stuff, I'm going to catch up later. But I do think it sounds really positive (though it might not feel that way) that you're starting to come out of the fog and seeing things a bit more clearly. Hole on to that anger! You are worth so much more than being someone's second choice. You sound like such a lovely man!

@havecourage8bekind yeah it's the first time for me too as had only been with husband before that. To be brutally honest I wouldn't recommend it. That said, here I am wrapped up in a 'situationship' 'friends with benefits' whatever people label it these days.... once started and particularly if the physical side is good, it's hard to walk away.

@havecourage8bekind thanks for the kind comments, interestingly its the same here for me. I've been with my wife since I was 15 and shes the only person I have ever been with. I know us men are supposed to be all "Johnny Big Bollocks" living it up when it comes to this stuff but honestly I don't know either if I could just have sex with someone without that connection. As a man you get all the usual stuff from your fellow man about oh your single now you can do what you want when you want which is true to an extent but being like that's just not me at all. Yeah I am only 39 but I am not interested in running about like a 20 year old.

On the flip side there is also that worry that not having "played the field" can I perform okay lol (trying to put it nicely), although to be honest my wife says that's never been an issue so at least that's something! Its been about a fair few months since we where last intimate.

I'm quite affectionate myself I like to give a cuddle and feel cheeks touching or to just place my hand on top of hers while we where watching TV or something its just how I've always been. I guess this is what people mean when they say this will be a time to discover who I am am etc.

I wouldn't worry too much on the idea that you won't 'perform', I think that each interaction with each person in your life is organic and therefore different with each person. But don't rush into it.
39 is young! And you have so much to offer.
The fact you're even thinking about these things is so amazing though, that is a part of you testing the waters of acceptance that moving on is a real tangible aspect of your life now.

And also, there's the aspect of, you have to go away to come back. It could be that she is getting her cake and eating it right now abs so why does she have to choose? Become unavailable. Show her that she is losing you.
Because, I don't see that as a game. You have to heal yourself or any reconciliation you have is dead to begin with. If you walk and she chases and you want to reconcile, great.
If you walk and she lets you, also (eventually) great because you get confirmation that it's over.

Rediscovering your independent self is fucking hard work. You've spent decades being a person intertwined with someone. Disentangling that is going to be a tricky process at times.
But honestly, the men I've respected the most have always talked about their ex's. not in a fond way, or in a negative way, but in a 'that was part of my life' way. And I find that honest.

@Beachtrip thank you I hope your doing good today, I certainly don't feel old haha. As you say it ebbs and flows because here I am feeling a bit sad today that I don't get to look forward to welcoming her in from work, or to treat her for her upcoming birthday.

I have no problem being on my own I don't need my wife, I have always been self reliant I did my share of housework and dinners and all of that, I am more than capable of doing it I don't have any fear that I not capable but like I said I am an old romantic (or young romantic maybe) and I miss having someone thats by my side. I was so proud of what we had achieved, I loved being a husband to her and I was really looking forward to this time in our lives where it was going to be time for us but has now just been blown apart and the worst part is shes swanning around like she hasn't a care in the world that shes done nothing wrong here and life is all good (of course I don't know that though).

Her still living here is just the pits and I will just need to push through that as best I can for now. When I see her I am so angry but at the same time I just want to put my arms around her, give her a kiss and let her know I love her, of course thats my heart driving that and right now I am listening to my head and that says just leave it alone you have done your best.

I took myself off for a walk today, left the kids with the bubble.
Walked the wrong route and walked past ghosters office.
Why did that make my stomach flip?
We haven't had contact in weeks and weeks.
I don't want him back anymore. I'm hurt by his actions, I'd say I'm over him but not over it.
I haven't yearned for him or his touch lately, but then today... walked past his office building and my stomach flipped and I could feel his arms around me.
Took me by surprise.

@Beachtrip I suspect things like this will happen for a while, don't be too hard on yourself. Places, smells, music and all that sort of stuff trigger associations we have with people and the memories we have of them. The thing is you walked past and you didn't want to or try and initiate contact so your doing really well.

I woke up this morning (always find mornings the worst) and immediately wanted to go into my wife and cuddle her, even writing this I want to go do it and I always find trying to resist so hard.