Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

Wife isn’t interested in that she has her OM and just sees me as the enemy right now.

I'm in this spot. I split with ex over Christmas, he fairly immediately up and left the country with no idea of when he'll be back (3rd country, not the one we're from or the one we lived in), leaving me in a house in the country with our 2 kids.. I can't even pop out to the shops without taking them, and once their in bed, that's it.

Honestly, more than ending the relationship, the thing that brings up a feeling of panic I have to squash back down is the idea that for the next 7 or 8 years I will not be able to leave the house in the evening without prior arrangement. Or TBH any other time, I'm just going to be trapped.

@Kotatsu yes I can imagine how scary and hard it must feel. My kids are a bit older so I can pop to the shop or run a short errand and leave them briefly but not in the evenings and a bedtime. Must be really hard that he's not there to do his share so you get a break now and then.... do you have any supportive family that could help?

Hi everyone, I have being following along since the start but first post for me. Like you @feeficken my ex cheated then dangled me for a year and now back with ow. Throughout it all I have forgived his behaviour and welcomed him back with open arms but realise now that is due to my low self esteem and lack of boundaries.
It’s fully over now and I need to start building myself back up. I’ve gain nearly 3 stone the last year due to stress eating, my mental health has really suffered and I don’t recognise who I am anymore.

I’ve just being reading a really good book that’s helping a lot and I’ve booked my self into a self worth course

I see to have food and bad days at the minute but he has just agreed to pick the kids up from school (when they open) on his nights instead of me getting them then him getting them from me, so I’m hoping by seeing him less it will make things easier.

It’s took me a long while to realise that this isn’t the man I married. I no longer know this man who can treat me so shockingly.

do you have any supportive family that could help?

No - we live in another country, away from family - and I do have friends here now, but during covid they'd be risking a fine to come out and see me (we'd just bought a house in the middle of no-where relatively speaking).

Once Covid is under control the only way I can really see forward is to get some kind of au-pair or similar - although I've never known anyone who's done that, and there's all sorts of horror stories on here, and we're in the sticks, so they'd need a car and we aren't going to be very attractive to younger people for that reason (perhaps that's for the best). But that's what I'm pinning my hopes to, as the alternative makes me feel so anxious!

Hi could I join you folks? Split up with boyfriend last week.

Ironically, i remember reading the opening post of this thread, and thinking "I'm so glad I'm not in that position"... well here I am

Not sure if we can post links but if you do a search in google “the sun heartbreak natasha harding” should be first link. A lot of it I really get.

@Missbirdyy same here each time my wife came back (4x) I welcomed her back with open arms offering all my love and full forgiveness and the promise we could have a better marriage out of this. I’ve worked my arse off to get us there so far with the stuff I’ve done over the last year. It’s never seems to be enough, there is no appreciation for it or the fact I was willing to fight for us alone and to the detriment of my own mental health.

Words are not enough to describe the change in her, nothing seems to matter other than what she wants, the hurt she’s causing doesn’t seem to matter and it’s like life is normal for her. The way she talks to me and the things she says it’s just beyond belief at times. Things that are just seared into my mind now. The fact the OM has been in our house/bed, the fact when we got back together one of the times she was “meeting” him and there I am thinking we’re working on us, I mean I was willing to forgive that. If the roles where reversed I’d be full of shame, guilt and doing everything I could to help the people I’d hurt.

@feeficken I hurt for you.
I've never had someone leave for someone else (that I know of anyway) and I can't imagine that back and forth. It must be crippling.
I think counselling alone would be a good idea.
You're so strong and you deserve better.
I know the heartache of being strung along, but without a third person in the mix. I can't imagine how much more painful it must be for you.

Thanks @feeficken just read the article and the downloaded the book it is from.
Try Exaholics by Lisa Marie Bobby, it’s really good

@feeficken I can’t even remember how many times it officially ended and restarted. Writing a list of all the bad things about them really helps.
Do you have to live together? That must be so tough!! Luckily mine moved out immediately so I’ve always had my space, it’s just tough when I have the children 70% of the time whilst dealing with this plus work and home schooling

@Missbirdyy We where in an in house separation before Christmas and I just couldn’t take it any more so I moved out giving her the house. I setup my flat bought all the essentials (washing machine, fridge, furniture, tv etc) then we got back together and we where doing alright so we decided I’d give up my rental and move home, then the bombshell, she didn’t want me again and she also didn’t want to live in our house any more so I sold my stuff and I’ve come back and she’s looking for somewhere to live right now.

I can’t imagine going through this with young children must be an extra layer of toughness added in, I am in somewhat of a unique position in that I’m only 39 but my kids are adults and doing their own thing now (had em young).

Thanks @Beachtrip having someone else in the mix is tough it kills your self esteem even further and completely demasculates you (as a man of course lol). The feelings that being rejected for someone else is just horrible and it adds a level of complexity that steers your thinking towards things like “What if that person wasn’t there” or “Maybe she’ll realise the grass isn’t greener” and I think that’s what can keep you holding on for longer.

Sometimes a partner finding someone else is then exploring a part of themselves they've not done before - hard not to see it as a rejection I know but if there are cracks in the marriage, communication issues, unmet needs... people do sometimes look outside and an affair can be an 'exit' strategy when they don't know what else to do. I'm not condoning affairs here just saying there are two in the relationship and therefore both have a part to play in it being a happy one. I did develop feelings for a guy (tho it never went anywhere) and this was the last straw for me in realising the marriage needed to end. We had been having issues for years though and met extremely young when I didn't have much a clue about self love let alone loving someone else correctly.

@Missbirdyy could I ask which course you have enrolled on for self worth? I’ve been searching but I’ve yet to find one.

@LanaLielaLie it’s a workshop run by Journey to Wellness (they are on Facebook and insta). This intake is full now but message them. It was around £70 fora. Work shop and 7 days of coaching.

Here is her Etsy

www.etsy.com/market/journey_to_wellness

@feeficken I agree with @Beachtrip some counselling alone might be a good idea. It seems like the focus has all been on her, what she wants, she feelings, and marriage counselling (if she ever even agreed to it) would only be the same. You deserve some safe space for your mental health and your feelings.

[quote irishoak]**@feeficken* I agree with @Beachtrip* some counselling alone might be a good idea. It seems like the focus has all been on her, what she wants, she feelings, and marriage counselling (if she ever even agreed to it) would only be the same. You deserve some safe space for your mental health and your feelings.[/quote]
*she feelings = her feelings should proofread before I post!

Wife is out with OM and I am sitting here and I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again and I honestly thinking its the feeling of I am done, I do feel a clearing in my head of how crazy all of this has been and feel a bit stupid that I have tried for so long although I think if I didn't I would have felt worse.

I am afraid this feeling is temporary BUT I am also scared of this process because it could mean its the start of the process of falling out of love with her. I know that sounds mad why would I not want that? its going to let me heal.

Hi all, sending everyone hugs tonight. I separated 3 days ago and, although I'm still reveling in a house that's quiet and calm and not filled with shouting, I'm worried about being alone. I moved here from abroad 8 months ago and don't know anyone in the UK aside from my husband and his family/friends. Have an intense job and a toddler...I wonder when I'll ever have the time or opportunity to make friends.

Hi!
I have no idea how I've only just found this thread!

I left my ex in November, myself and our two children (7+4) have recently moved into our own rented place after spending 3 months living in my parents spare room.

I love the freedom, our own space, not having to tidy up after the ex. However some nights I miss adult conversation.... Which is weird because we didn't really talk that much when we were together anyway.

I've read most of the thread and some of you have been through some awful things!! People are so horrible!

Hi @lapaverde and @WingingItAtLife, looks like we're all new :)

A close friend of mine got engaged today. Of course I texted congratulations... but privately was in tears with jealousy that I want that commitment so much, and yet my relationships never work out. I feel a failure.

@lapaverde it's tricky during lockdown! I found bumble friends was a good way to meet people to go on walks with. Had to scroll through a lot who never replied, but I found a couple of nice people on there.

@MMMarmite
I desperately wanted to get married to my ex at one point, we spent 14 years together and he didn't propose. There were many many time when friends got engaged or married and I had to be excited with/for them. It was super hard!

You are definitely not a failure x

Thanks @WingingItAtLife :)

Thanks @MMMarmite, I didn't know about Bumble friends! And you are a really good friend for being supportive to your newly engaged friend while going through all this. I call it the "outside looking in" feeling - this Christmas I'd take my DD on walks to look at Christmas lights (and escape her shouting dad), and wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't be in one of the happy families warm inside. But it's not your fault and it won't feel this way forever. At least that's my mantra! x