Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@irishoak no he's not in any way abusive. 'it feels like breaking up has created a whole new set of problems to replace the old ones'...is just how I feel

[quote Newsinglemum58]@mummyof2lou as in you wish you hadn't separated?....

I don't ever wish I'd made a different choice but I will wholeheartedly say this is a very tough road to choose... I just hope it is worth it at some stage and it gets easier. [/quote]
@newsinglemum58 yes this exactly
I think those thoughts are harder because he's still here

[quote mummyof2lou]@irishoak no he's not in any way abusive. 'it feels like breaking up has created a whole new set of problems to replace the old ones'...is just how I feel[/quote]
I felt very similar at first. We lived together for 6 or so months after we split. I found t very hard and weird... but lockdown meant we were stuck living like that. When he moved out it was then a big adjustment of coping on my own and learning to live alone etc very different again. It's not an easy journey at all so be kind to yourself. It's so hard, everything has changed but then it feels like you are still living as you were but you're not a couple. It's a head f£&& to be honest.... normal to be feeling all the feelings and mixed emotions.

My ex used to constantly question me about whether I wanted to change my mind too which made it all harder.

@feeficken
@Beachtrip
@Newsinglemum58

THANK YOU for the welcome!

I hope my 'pity party' comment wasn't too pitiful. I try not to feel sorry for myself as it doesnt help - but can now see a) how utterly lonely I was in the marriage for the 2nd decade (!) of it and b) how impossible it was to resist the lure of the narc. Ex.
But the question is: where do I go from here? I have two disabled kids and live rurally so even meeting someone would a logistical challenge yet alone the years it would take before I'd feel comfortable introducing them to my family. Ooof.
More lonliness to come, I suspect BUT I still hold to both the cliches that it is better to be alone than lonely in a couple and if there is no space then better cannot arrive.

@52andblue very true words there. Agree with what you said completely. And no one knows what goes on in a relationship - it might look great on the outside but be unhappy inside.

Dating with kids is an almighty challenge I'm starting to realise and that's without the extra difficulties you have to cope with. I too wouldn't want to introduce anyone to my kids until I was very sure about that person and could see it going somewhere long term. It's really hard but I hope no impossible...

Just to add that being a single parent is seriously way harder than I had imagined. I take my hat off to all parents doing this by themselves as it is very very tough and I didn't give this enough consideration when I was in a couple (albeit a far from perfect couple) we still shared that load a bit and had someone to talk to etc. Now it's this intense time with me and the kids, followed by days when I am usually on my own with the four walls for company feeling exhausted from the intense days with them. It's not easy.

@52andblue

"More lonliness to come, I suspect BUT I still hold to both the cliches that it is better to be alone than lonely in a couple and if there is no space then better cannot arrive."

This. This a thousand times this.
I've reached a point in my life where I look back and think I was just so desperate to be loved that I put up with so much utter shite. And now? Now i can see the benefit to being alone over being with someone who makes me feel alone.
It's awful at times. I've struggled a lot today. But each day just shows me that I've got friends, and I've got my health and my income and no one person is making me feel like shit. I'm not crawling around begging for attention and love.

Don't for a second call me strong. I'm awesome at saying all this stuff, but rubbish at believing it

Had a huge wobble last night.
I just felt so utterly alone and cried for while.
Today is gorgeous out and I need to get the kids out for a walk but everything feels so pointless.
It just feels like 12 hours to get through

Hi @Beachtrip

Your post is exactly my experience right now.
Need to be positive for kids all day when I just want to go to bed and cry.

Onwards and upwards though. We CAN do this! xxx

(if you need a giggle look at the 'purple fanny' thread - nothing horrible, just very silly and funny and some of the comments made me smile which is a bit of a miracle right now!)

Morning, sorry to hear that @Beachtrip and @52andblue. I've had a crappy few days too. Youngest has just been a nightmare, such hard work - she's anxious about going back to school. Had several moments I've wanted to just burst into tears but trying not to while they are around. Saying something when you even have to schedule your crying sessions 🤯

The sun is beautiful today at least.

It IS beautiful here too @Newsinglemum58 - such a relief after a long winter (I'm on the Scottish borders and deep snow 2 weeks ago)

I just keep thinking: 'this too will pass'
and I'll be back to cheery (hopefully inspiring) posting again x

@52andblue yes hopefully. This winter has been especially bleak - knew lockdowned during winter would be but it's taken its toll I think. Roll on spring, lighter evenings and some some return to routine for those with kids able to go back to school.....

Moved back in last night and so far its been a disaster, wife said something to me that I felt just made her sound privileged in all this and I just lost it, perhaps on reflection I did overreact. We ended up in an argument and I totally lost it shouting like an idiot at the top of my lungs asking her what she wanted from me, something that I never do. I said to her no matter what I did I didn't deserve this and this of course just caused the argument to continue as she justified what shes done. I know I have a part to play in any unhappiness but I feel like I have have taken on all the fault but I have rolled up my sleeves and tried to make things right between us, and I feel VERY guilty for the part I played in any of this.

I feel really terrible this morning and I never intended for the argument to happen, I've wholeheartedly apologised but she is being cold right now. It was a long day yesterday with moving and everything and things where already a bit awkward between us when I came back and it just built from there.

Right now I feel like I am just falling apart and I just do not know this woman that I love any more.

@feeficken oh gosh that sounds really hard. Don't beat yourself up too much - clearly there were emotions and things that had built up and needed to come out. It's a really hard situation you find yourself in but with time maybe you can find a way back to each other.... if there's enough between you that it is worth salvaging that is. The grass isn't so green here on the other side right now!

I honestly take the other approach.
@feeficken how long has this been going on?
She's 100% showing you her true colours.
She's willing to hurt you, this isn't just holding your nerve to gain the upper hand. This is malicious. It's cruel.
The blow out was a very long time coming.
Without knowing what you feel so guilty about (and you in NO way have to share) it's hard to understand and give appropriate advice/support.
But whatever it is, you don't deserve this punishment. No one has the right to dish out punishment. No one is judge jury and executioner.

It's going to hurt but once that clean break comes it will get easier.
The grass often isnt greener. It's usually the same shade whatever side of the fence your own. But if you tend your grass instead of covering another lawn, you can grow it.
(Gosh that was sickening 😂)

Its been going on coming up a year now, shes came back a few times (even after she initially moving in with OM) and the last time was a couple of months ago and then again said she wanted out again a few weeks back, she was telling me she loved me and she was sorry and that we could work to fix it might just take time and we could get counselling and now I seem to be the enemy again. Every time she came back I offered my forgiveness and love because I wanted us to have something better.

The main complaint she has was I was a spender, to be clear not in the sense that we had massive debts (we had a credit card, a small loan and a loan that came with our mortgage to make up the mortgage we needed). We never missed a bill and I always put the money in to cover bills and we never had debt collectors, we have a lovely house and a nice car and our kids have wanted for nothing we just never had savings or anything. I can understand her complaint and I should have been better and I have a massive big dose of guilt for that.

Once she told me how unhappy she feeling she immediately told me there was someone else and so I went to work. I sold a lot of things (gadgets I had bought over the years) and I cleared everything but our house loan (I am working on that now) and I told her if I had contributed to her being unhappy that I was sorry and then for the next year I have done what I can to put things right. You wouldn't believe the situation at times and what I have had to endure but she just doesn't see it. How is it I can forgive unconditionally but she can't and I don't feel the things I have done justify any of this at all.

Last Feb she gave me a valentines card and it was saying things like she loved me and that she didn't know what love was until she met me which is why I never knew how bad this was. This deep unhappiness she talks about is totally news to me.

I feel very guilty about shouting at her last night and I feel very guilty that anything I have done may have made her unhappy, I have this drive to make it right. I am very much still in love with her and never in a million years want or wanted to hurt her.

if there is no space then better cannot arrive

This is what I am clinging onto. My separation/divorce was horrendous and it only came out after the divorce that he had been having an affair, with someone we both knew. The last year has been putting the pieces together, all the comments that I couldn't understand, his behaviour that seemed to change, rewriting history and lying. I had to process that as every week a new relevation would hit, now I am at the stage of grieving and I feel the loneliness. I'm hoping it's a stage and I just need to feel the emotions and ultimately they will subside.

I want to believe someone will come into my life but I also think there is a realistic chance I will be single. I come from a family where everyone has stayed married and having family zoom calls has made my singleton status more obvious.

Hi @Fireflygal... sorry to hear what you've been though, that sounds so hard. Did you have children together?

I have days when I feel hopeful about the future and almost ok with being on my own. But then I'll have a horrendous one when my youngest is having a bad day and I just want to give up and say I'm not strong enough for this...

@Newsinglemum58, yes we do. The fallout for them is awful as OW was a friends wife so other dc involved. I have put all my effort into making them ok and perhaps having a delayed reaction.

So many common feelings on this thread no its helpful to know I'm not the only one.

@Fireflygal it broke up two homes??
That's awful. So much heartache and so many children involved.

God it's Friday night and I'm fighting my children into bed. And thinking of turning in myself.

It's of some warped comfort to know that we're not the only people feeling this way, but at the same time I'm sorry for anyone feeling like this.
Today has been terribly draining and I just want it to end.

There is a lot of thing that are common in the situations in terms of how we feel as the betrayed but also the way out spouses behave by becoming so cold, blame shifting and lying.

@feeficken totally.

Your post was very honest. And you sound like you set to work instantly.
This was always a hang up for me, abs I've said it through various relationships. If you don't tell me something I can't possibly know.
Exhibited in my most recent relationship.
He was just a terrible communicator, and would simmer on something then it would come out in a vitriolic rant. He never shouted or anything. But he wouldn't tell me stuff and then it would build and I remember so many times saying "how could I possibly know you felt that way if you didn't tell me?"
Became clear that he would acknowledge that each time and then just revert like that chat never happened. Rinse repeat.

I absolutely still love my wife and I am (hopelessly) still very much in love with her despite all that’s gone on, I think I need to stop trying to fix things because quite honestly I just don’t know what else to do, this hurts like hell and I feel really deeply sad and deflated, I’m literally done in. It’s all I think about right now from morning noon and night. Think I’ve had about two hours sleep with all the tossing and turning.

@feeficken 😔😔 have you considered marriage counselling to try to work through some of this? It's a lot to try to tackle on your own.