Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

Fingers crossed for tonight's announcement - 1 hr 20 minutes into homeschooling after 10 days off and I'm already past my limit

Hi everyone hope I can join. I am divorced and was with ex for 20 years and even a good couple of years later I still find it so hard at times. Ex became very abusive and as it was ending it turned out there was an OW who was pregnant. They are still together and have more kids and it hurts to be still alone. I have tried to date but nothing has really worked out it seems most guys just want hook ups rather than a relationship. It really helps to hear other people feel lonely and like pp were saying to not have that one person there for you is hard and yes kids help but there is only so much they can give you. Some days are easier and work helps but uff the anniversaries special days still hurt. Nice to hear others experiences. Some things get easier in time others don't. I'm rambling now it's just nice to talk. Hope everyone's day is going well

Welcome @yummytummy
Yeah it's not easy is it? You're right, a lot of men in our age dating pool seem to want casual things as opposed to a commitment which is ok if it's mutual but if not, maybe there's something to do said for being better off alone...hard though that feels at times...
it's nice to have others who get it as in real life I feel like I'm the only one in this boat but of course I know I can't be...

Good news on schools! Though I'm sad about this talk of masking and testing secondary kids.... 😪 I just want the old normal back.

How we all feeling today?

Trekked the kids for a long walk before starting school work. Also meant parks were quiet. Win 😂

@yummytummy Welcome! feel free to ramble and vent on here as much as you need to. You're definitely not alone although I know it can feel like that when we aren't surrounded by people going through the same in real life. xx

I'm feeling positive today! Last nights announcement has given me a little bit of hope - although not getting myself carried away with excitement because we all know things could change! But, still light at the end of the tunnel :) How you all feeling after the announcement?

@beachtrip Love a quiet park! Hope you and the kids are okay..not long left of homeschooling now..the end is in sight!!

I've just booked two nights away to London, just me and the kids, for August. Something to look forward to, and save for...and it will massively put me out of my comfort zone in turn hopefully boosting my confidence. I don't know London well at all but exciting times ahead!! X

I'll join. Single for 4 years, furloughed then made redundant in Sept, been home with DS for almost a year. Things that help me are...

Hug your DCs, breathe in the smell of their hair. DS has kept me sane
Treat yourself. When DS is in bed I retreat to bath with scented bubbles, candles, music...
Do stuff like redecorating or brushing up on a language so that you come out of lockdown wth something positive to show (ds' school french lessons have been great for me )
Regular phone chat with family & friends
Cycling with DS, lots of running so return to Parkrun (April?) will be a joy.
Enjoying every little thing possible. The first daffodils, the bullfinches in the garden, DS learning to make carrot cake...tiny stuff...
Planning the best holiday ever, right down to the details - lots of research needed...
Make little easily achievable plans - holding a garden birthday party (June), cycling to the pub as soon as it opens and drinking cider in the garden, with maskless real live people chatting around us. Stuff to look forward to is essential.
Cash is short in our house, so I've made a list of lovely things I will treat us to when working again. We add one thing a week.

This will all be over soon

@havecourage8bekind I'm doing some free counselling at the moment, but that will finish next week...Will have to have a look at money and see if I can figure out a way to carry on. I've also signed up for the freedom programme starting soon, so hopefully that will be helpful too - I need to learn from this and never and end up with a man like my husband again, or what was the point in all this pain?

Things are still up and down for me - was having a good day yesterday and then someone hit the back of my car in the supermarket car park. Just a small scratch as far as I can tell, but will have to get it looked at. I can't really take it in my stride when something rubbish happens at the moment, like I used to be able to. Now it just really knocks me and I feel so alone and wish there was someone to take care of me a bit.

oh can totally relate to the car one irishoak i have had so many prangs and something like that as you say can be the total last straw. it is horrible when that happens and no one to even call to tell about it let alone take care of it for you. i have cried so much over car stuff

mintjulia i like your list too makes sense

havecourage8bekind that sounds great about 2 nights away whereabouts in london? and thanks for the welcome

i am not too sure if i have replied to people correctly but hope everyone has had a good day

while it is good about schools going back i am having a nightmare as there is no breakfast club or afterschool club as yet and my childminder has shut no others in area and i have to start work at 8am i am so stressed about it and can't afford to not work and i don't have any family at all. so many people seem to have a huge array of relatives to step in i never had that. it is the last straw and really really gets to me aaargh i have cried a lot today

Urrgh what a week so far, I’m moving back to an in-house separation so was over there a few times and my wife is talking about stuff like we have some sort of future together so I’m confused and tell her that I don’t want to lose her and we cuddle. Totally confused.

Few days go by and I ask her what are we doing? Only to hear back she’s already told me not getting back together, she’s staying in the house until she finds somewhere and wants her new man to make her happy.

I am shattered and pretty angry right now, this is a living hell. It’s the conflicting messages it’s like when she’s round me we’re like together but when texting she’s completely different (sometimes wonder if she is doing it for benefit of OM). Problem is I am letting her take advantage of the love I still have for her but it’s only hurting me.

I just can’t seem to find that inner wanker that will make me more firm with her, it’s making me feel and look a fool and robbed me of my self respect.

Hello! Was hoping I could pop on and join the thread. It has given me so much comfort over the last couple of weeks; just knowing there are others in a similar situation makes me feel less alone. You are all remarkable and life can only get better for us all x

@yummytummy yeah it really shook me for a while afterwards, had to pull over on the way home just to get myself together a bit, and even pulling over was harder than it should have been, took me about 15 tries to park properly! however, even tho I felt alone and rubbish at the time, thinking about it afterwards I realise even if my husband had been there he'd have either a) tried to dismiss it and minimise it as he didn't want to deal with it, or b) flipped his lid about it and I've have had to spend the day calming him down. so while I would have loved someone to look after me, it would never have happened with him anyway.

@feeficken poor you, that's such a shitty situation she's putting you in. I know it's hard and feels impossible, but it really will be better to just rip the bandaid off and be done with her. even if you did get back together now, she's still treated you like this and you deserve better than that.

@irishoak Thank you for your kind words and sorry about what happened with your car, I know these things like that can be really stressful and can be even worse when you feel your life is upside down. On the flip side of what you said I do miss having someone that relies on me that way, I loved the "husband" role and that if there was something that needed sorting my wife would rely on me to sort it.

Can I join please?
I am separated 4 years from H of 20 but we'd had separate bedrooms for 10 years before that. I could not / cannot rely on him for anything re kids but it's got more obvious since I left.
Foolishly, I got into a long distance rship with an ex not long after I moved out. To say he is problematic is an understatement (MH issues, plus all sorts of other things he'd not disclosed, like other rships... so that's now an NC situation) But it left me realising that I am not 'frigid' (either literally or emotionally) as exH claimed, but I am horribly lonely. I don't work as I am a Carer for my two kids with Autism and am rural so am genuinely REALLY isolated. MN is my window on the world. Lockdown has been hard but tbh my feeling is that when we 'unlock' my world won't be much different.
Pity party for 1 anyone?

@52andblue aww sounds like you've have had a rough few years, I'm sorry to hear that. Look don't feel bad if your looking for a little sympathy, most of us on here are there or have been there. Sometimes its enough just to read that we are not alone and that there are other people out there that know what you might be feeling and what your going through due to similar circumstances.

Keep your chin up and post away if you feel like it.

@52andblue
That sounds like a real plateful.
Do you get any respite at all?
I care for two average kids and that's fecking exhausting at the best of times so I can't imagine how it is.

Keep posting. Vent away.

@52andblue welcome! Re-building yourself and your life after separation/divorce really is so hard - I hadn't realised how hard it would be but on the flip side despite the difficulties I know it was still the right decision.

Lockdown and the past year has made everything so much more intense for a lot of us.... hopefully the summer time/better weather will be some relief and being able to get out more?? I'm feeling quite negative around ever meeting someone at the moment. I'm sure having that mindset isn't the best place to start from..... I just want the universe to throw someone amazing into my path- is that so much to ask?

We have all been through so much we deserve some good luck and happiness ..

Hi everyone
Do you ever just think 'was it worth it?'
I'm so tired of hurting, of hurting people I care about, of having bad dreams, not sleeping properly, of being on an emotional rollercoaster, of feeling different to everyone else, of worrying about money, of feeling the burden, of noone caring about me. Sometimes I just think it'd be easier to reverse and not feel like this. It's so hard.

Hope you are all feeling more positive than me today!

@mummyof2lou as in you wish you hadn't separated?....

I don't ever wish I'd made a different choice but I will wholeheartedly say this is a very tough road to choose... I just hope it is worth it at some stage and it gets easier.

Being in an unhappy relationship = hard

Being alone and doing life by yourself = a different sort of hard

@mummyof2lou

Hi everyone Do you ever just think 'was it worth it?' I'm so tired of hurting, of hurting people I care about, of having bad dreams, not sleeping properly, of being on an emotional rollercoaster, of feeling different to everyone else, of worrying about money, of feeling the burden, of noone caring about me. Sometimes I just think it'd be easier to reverse and not feel like this. It's so hard.

Hope you are all feeling more positive than me today!

I do think this kind of thing, but mostly when I'm frustrated and fed up, and something that would have taken my husband 5 minutes to do seems to take me hours because I'm not as physically strong and don't know where things are and it feels like breaking up has created a whole new set of problems to replace the old ones.

I try and remind myself what a woman at the women's aid phone line told me: it only ever gets worse, it never gets better. I'm not sure if you said your husband was abusive (sorry if you did say!) - mine definitely was, but I think it's probably true of a lot of deeply unhappy marriage situations...so i try and remind myself of that. The picture I have in my end when I'm fed up, of the marriage that I'd like to go back to probably hadn't existed for a while, and would never exist again, all I would go back to is a situation that got worse every day.

@irishoak well said! You can't really miss and yearn for a happy union if it wasn't that. You can hope for the kind of relationships you'd like in the future though....

That's not to take away from the day to day difficulties this situation presents and the change to living situations/ finances. No one would want this but no one chooses a bad relationship- you just end up there sometimes sadly and through no real fault of your own.