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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loneliness after separation

667 replies

havecourage8bekind · 10/02/2021 14:21

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

OP posts:
mummyof2lou · 21/02/2021 13:29

@newsinglemum58 why does he get to take yhe car every weekend? Surely that should be with whoever has the kids or whoever needs it? Can you get another car so you don't have to share?

mummyof2lou · 21/02/2021 13:30

Could you order shoes online with free returns? Even if it's just trainers for walks?

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 13:37

@mummyof2lou because he's selfish and he says it's 'his car...'. which I fail to understand since half of all assets are split when married....

On the shoes I have tried.... I've ordered shoes online, got from supermarket and she's never happy with any of them. She's literally the world's fussiest kid when it comes to what is on her body or foot 😔

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 13:40

I am trying to figure out how to get a car for myself but not sure yet how to go about it. If I need some finance I'm worried I'll be refused because I don't have a credit history because for the last 20 years everything was in his name. I'm currently battling with NatWest to try to get a small overdraft and a credit card (never had my own credit card)

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 13:41

Can't wait for him to collect them so I can break down and have a big cry.

mummyof2lou · 21/02/2021 13:49

@newsinglemum58 sounds like you'll be so much better off once you have your assets split. The car will be half yours so he can either give you half the value or offset it against some other assets. Until then if it was me I'd be saying you want 50% share of the car as it's 50% yours, and if he has a problem with that he can talk to his solicitor. He sounds so selfish, and clearly isn't putting his children first. I'm mad for you!!!

Thomasina2021 · 21/02/2021 13:53

Hi can I join ?

Single mum to two teens and an 11 year old . I have a partner but we live apart and this was fine before - I always enjoyed the time with just me and the kids pre-lockdown but now I really struggle esp with no gym and working from home (

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 13:56

@mummyof2lou thank you... sadly it was a recurring theme throughout the marriage re his selfishness and me being a doormat. I think we will be better when financially not tied so much ....

Hello and welcome @Thomasina2021

Thomasina2021 · 21/02/2021 14:13

@Newsinglemum58 thanks )

Honestly it does get better when you are sorted financially - it’s such a journey though omg and so crappy cos of lockdown

Just praying tomorrow ‘s announcement is positive and schools can go back . I will find it really hard to handle if they move the goalposts again

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 14:17

@Thomasina2021 that is good to hear. How far are on your journey then? Did you go through a divorce? All feels like wading through treacle here and it's 17 months since we ended things....

Yeah I hope schools will go back and soon, it's all getting too much for us and them now. I don't know how much more disruption I can take to be honest. I've been coping pretty well but feel like I'm one more disaster away from the house of cards falling in.

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 14:20

Wonder when we will hear.. hopefully he won't make everyone wait until 8 pm 🤯😔🙄

Beachtrip · 21/02/2021 15:05

Haven't completely caught up, felt compelled to respond as soon as I read this

@havecourage8bekind

I've told.my husband I don't want his pension...il probably live to regret that in years to come

It really doesn't matter what you have said. What matters is what gets hashed out in court and a financial order.
Assets are up for division unless you had a prenup and you have a right to a share. Take it for the kids.

Beachtrip · 21/02/2021 15:07

The car thing.
Who's name is it in? Not that it matters re division of assets.
But when I split from exh the car was in my name and I told him if he wanted it he had to buy my half. Which he did at an overinflated price. Sorry not sorry

The car is another way for him to have a hold over you. It should be with whoever has the kids if your sharing.

Beachtrip · 21/02/2021 15:09

I had a phone free weekend mostly. Made some head way in healing my mind. Went for walks and binge watched tv, some diy. That kind of stuff.
Kids are back shortly and I'm excited to see them, but could also happily have another day or two of quiet.

Hope you're all enjoying the mild weather. Loved my walk today.

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 15:18

@Beachtrip glad you had a good weekend. Sounds great.

He is the registered keeper of the car but I am the main driver on insurance and pay the monthly insurance. I agree that whoever has the kids should have the car and I always let him have it on the weekends he has them apart from a couple of times I needed it to drive and see my recently widowed mum.

Xx

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 15:20

I'm starting to think that divorce and separating stuff properly would be healthier as this confusion is messing with my head. Maybe it will be bring some closure.

Beachtrip · 21/02/2021 15:53

100%. A consent order or something like that.

Also, if he's the registered keeper, I think it's invalidates the insurance if he isn't the main driver. And where is his license registered and all that stuff.
Used to work in the industry and if he has changed his license or indeed just isn't living there anymore that's a £1000 fine for him and invalidated insurance in the event of an accident.
Don't want to give you more to worry about but it should get sorted.

mummyof2lou · 21/02/2021 16:49

Yes agree on the insurance, besides, if he's so adamant it's his car, make him pay for the insurance!

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 16:57

@mummyof2lou true! Ughhh why am I such a doormat? I just hate conflict... it's why I stayed in the relationship so long I guess...

Beachtrip · 21/02/2021 17:01

You're conditioned to it.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
We've all been there.
Afraid of the outburst or tirade of poison.

Make a list of the things that need confronting and tackle each one, one by one.
Spread it out. It will feel easier and less like a confrontation. Plus you stay in control.

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 17:11

@Beachtrip that's good advice - thank you 😊

mummyof2lou · 21/02/2021 17:38

@newsinglemum58 Oh please don't feel bad. We can all give advice that we are bad at taking ourselves. There is a lot to be said for picking your battles too. Think of this as a new skill you are taking into your next relationship. The more you assert yourself, the less scary it becomes each time. It's so hard with all these emotions in the mix though.

I feel so bad this weekend. I find myself rejecting the whole family to make my point to him that I'm not happy with the situation. Which means I end up spending time upstairs away from the kids too. It's fine if I take them out, but that's so limited now. I know I wouldn't be like that if it was just me and them living here.

irishoak · 21/02/2021 19:28

@havecourage8bekind thanks for checking in, that's really kind of you Smile

I've had a bit of an up and down weekend... Had a great catch up with a friend on zoom, but then ended up telling her a bit about the abusive stuff my husband did, and it just drags it all up again. I want to talk about it because I've been dealing with it on my own for so long, but then it also hangs over me for a while afterwards. So today I felt really down and defeated and struggled to get anything much done.

Ah well, tomorrow is another day and all that, until then I'm just going to try and enjoy the evening and relax a bit. Hope everyone else is doing okay!

Beachtrip · 22/02/2021 09:13

I know what you mean about discussing it all.
We need to talk about it, but at the same time it's exhausting and draining and almost, I find, boring after a while.
It's like I'm going around telling everyone the same stuff. And whilst it often a helps to get different perspectives it also just feels like I never stop complaining.

Hoping today is better for all, and good luck with back to home schooling!!!
not really doing it but whatever

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 22/02/2021 10:20

@irishoak I'm sorry you've had an up and down weekend. Ive stopped talking to my friends about past stuff now for the same reason. Yeah I tell them when th ex is being a prick but don't go into what I've been through because like you, it leaves me feeling down and that's not the feeling you want after talking to your friends. I do however talk to a therapist, could that be an option? I now book my therapy in on a day where I know I'm child free and have time afterwards to feel crap because it does emotionally drain you when you dig into past traumas. I hope today is better for you xxx

OP posts: