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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loneliness after separation

667 replies

havecourage8bekind · 10/02/2021 14:21

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

OP posts:
Newsinglemum58 · 19/02/2021 16:43

I think all parents and kids deserve a knighthood for getting through this .... couldn't write this nightmare if you tried.

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 08:09

I wish the financial side wasn't so scary. I don't know how you're all better off. We still live together at the moment but splitting 2 salaries to fund 2 houses will put us bith worse off. That's if he ever actually moves out. How do you force that situation without causing rows? I hope Monday's announcement may open up the line of communication on that

Newsinglemum58 · 20/02/2021 08:28

@mummyof2lou not better off per se... we lived together for seven months after we split - first lockdown delayed the moving too which was hard.
Funding two places is difficult. I just mean in terms of managing my own money I have total accountability after twenty years of sharing everything etc two people with very different approaches to money. Single parenting definitely tough financially.

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 08:46

I handle all our money, and he's not a spender at all, so there's not even any gain to be had there. I sometimes wonder if the hardship will be worth it. Gain one freedom to lose another. I guess like everything, it all works out eventually. And that's before the battle over equity and pensions

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 20/02/2021 09:04

I think I'm better off because before everything was split so I might've earned £600 one month but only saw £300 of it..plus alot of our spare money went on his debts. which doesn't leave alot after. Yes, now I'm paying all bills myself and one income but you get help as a single parent, so it's nice that I don't have to share what's left and can prioritize what I buy and what can wait without being told what we need and when we need it. I never had to live with my ex post separation though...I just left x

OP posts:
Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 20/02/2021 09:05

I should add that even when I say I'm better off - I'm still fairly skint haha! We've never had lots of money and never had savings to split or equity/assets. I imagine it's much harder if you do x

OP posts:
Newsinglemum58 · 20/02/2021 09:29

@mummyof2lou we have yet to do any of the legal side just got a separation agreement but at some point will need to legally divorce. Regarding pensions what is a fair split does anyone know? I stayed home and raised kids etc while he worked and so he has a v good pension pot while I've got very little.... I want it to stay amicable for the sake of us all going forward but equally I don't want to not get what I'm due iykwim.... so if I live into old age I'm not completely screwed financially

Newsinglemum58 · 20/02/2021 09:33

In some ways I can now appreciate why some people stay in unhappy relationships because they are worried for their financial future.... that said I know it wasn't what I could do but I do see how people have different priorities.... it's much less of the skipping off into the sunset happy ending than I had envisioned I have to say. But I still think, for me, it was the only sane course of action despite the hardships it has brought.

sandgrown · 20/02/2021 09:34

@InsaneLockdowner. That sounds tough . A similar thing happened to me years ago but I was trapped where I was due to children being settled and in school. Despite the fact he left for OW I didn’t want to deprive the kids of their dad by moving closer to family. I had a great bunch of friends who helped me through but of course we were able to meet. As your children are grown up could you make plans to move closer to them or other family and have a fresh start. It would be nice to have their company and support.

Beachtrip · 20/02/2021 11:07

Totally agree, I'm better off but not any richer.
I haven't got spare cash. But I'm in control and decide what we spend when.
Where as ex h would just spend any money that was there. It was like a challenge to him
Also, I was given X amount to manage all the outgoings each month and the out goings were say £1500 so he'd give me £1400 and then treat me like I was bad at money!!
No, I didn't have enough so had to calculate and skimp to make things work.

Where as now, I've cancelled loads of subscriptions and am in charge of what we buy abs where we buy it, when etc.

I'm skint most of the time, but I do get benefit help as a single mum. It's just better.
No amount of money is worth the heartache and stress of coping with him here

Newsinglemum58 · 20/02/2021 11:29

@Beachtrip yep I get that. It's like you have total accountability for it whereas when you are a couple and you don't have a healthy relationship and culpability around finance it can be so tricky... easy for one person to take the lead and the other to follow along.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 20/02/2021 11:29

@beachtrip that's what I was trying to say! Better off but not richer!

OP posts:
mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 13:03

@newsinglemum58 on the pension, if you are married you are entitled to 50% of what he has accumulated in his pension pot since you were married. But he is equally entitled to 50% of yours for the same time. There comes a tipping point defined as a long term marriage where you're entitled to 50% of the entire pension pot, not just the amount that has accumulated since your marriage. That is what I've been told anyway, I find the whole financial split very confusing

Newsinglemum58 · 20/02/2021 13:13

@mummyof2lou oh wow ok.thank you for the info..well I married him at 22 so most of it was accumulated during the 16 yrs married.... it's tricky as I do not want to fall out with him but worry he won't be happy giving me half. Hoping to sort it out without involving lawyers and all that stuff. He's welcome to half mine but there's barely anything in it.

mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 14:30

@newsinglemum58 same here, he has a lot more than me and it's a real bone of contention, as there are fees to pension share and move it over. I would rather have more equity so hoping we can come to an agreement that works for us both

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 20/02/2021 17:55

I've told.my husband I don't want his pension...il probably live to regret that in years to come Hmm

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mummyof2lou · 20/02/2021 19:02

@havecourage8bekind just make sure you don't put yourself in a difficult situation. If you take advice and change your mind, you're ok as long as it's before the financial order. Our situations are all different, and whilst I'd love to be truely independant, looking after our kids comes at a price, and my career has taken a battering due to that. His on the other hand, hasn't had to make any sacrifices. God I sound bitter don't I?!

Newsinglemum58 · 20/02/2021 19:32

@mummyof2lou same.... low earner despite having a degree etc - taking a 7 year career break have and raise kids will do that. Doesn't seem entirely fair that he carried on and built up that pension pot and then when we separate I'm left with nothing...

Newsinglemum58 · 20/02/2021 20:13

Wanted to say that going through a breakdown of a relationship/marriage and transitioning to life as a single parent/person is tough at the easiest of times. We have been and are doing this at quite possibly the hardest point we could be during a pandemic, living under restrictions and seemingly endless cycles of lockdowns and school closures. We deserve bloody medals for this surely.... keep going everyone. I hope we will come through this and find our happiness eventually because this is not easy.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 20/02/2021 20:33

I agree, it's hard going through loneliness at the best of times nevermind during the world as we know it now. I hope everyone is doing okay! Saturday nights seem to feel the loneliest for me...got a big gin & about to binge Netflix in bed x

OP posts:
Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 10:57

@havecourage8bekind yeah I hear you. When I have the kids I tend to go to bed at the same time as my youngest as she lies with me snd we listen to an audiobook. When I don't have them I still tend to go to bed early as I'm usually so exhausted from work & life to bother trying to stay up or do anything. As great as I am I'm pretty bored of my own company at this point....

Hope everyone has a good day. I'm liking this warmer weather and a bit more sun.... lifts the spirits a bit.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 21/02/2021 11:03

@newsinglemum50 the warmer weather definitely helps doesn't it! I often daydream about summer days. We had a lovely long wander to a big park yesterday, had ice cream & then a chippy tea on our walk home. It felt like a little taste of spring days!

OP posts:
Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 21/02/2021 11:05

@feeficken @irishoak @stilltrying90 @beachtrip Hope you're all having a good weekend and aren't feeling the loneliness too much! & The rest of you on the thread of course..I'm writing this from the app so can't see anyone's usernames when I reply! But I do hope you're all having a positive weekend and being kind to yourselves xx

OP posts:
Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 11:20

[quote havecourage8bekind]@newsinglemum50 the warmer weather definitely helps doesn't it! I often daydream about summer days. We had a lovely long wander to a big park yesterday, had ice cream & then a chippy tea on our walk home. It felt like a little taste of spring days! [/quote]
Ooo sounds lovely! Good for you. 😋 life is definitely made special by those little things such as an ice cream in the sun or a chippy tea - spending time with loved ones.... you realise this the older you get I think.

Newsinglemum58 · 21/02/2021 12:45

Was wondering how those with young kids split the time between parents. I'm not finding our arrangement is working at all well. Thanks to Covid my working hours changed so on the weekends they are with me I currently have them from thurs - Sunday and it's just too intense. He takes the car we share every weekend I have ten to visit his new partner so I'm literally stuck at home for days with them trying to convince them to go out for a walk which is getting harder and harder. Not helped by the fact none of their shoes fit and no shops open that have any in their size. Starting to feel I'm reaching breaking point with everything at the moment. It's all just getting a bit too much to cope with. Schools, hours at work changing all time which means the childcare arrangements we have then change. No transport when I actually need it. It's all just so crap. I'm fed up.