Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@beachtrip just saw your other update. He blamed you for ghosting him!? Even though he ignored messages!? Is he trying to gaslight you into believing that or something. Jeeeez you sound well rid. Do you feel better for messaging him? X

@irishoak I really relate to your post about even when I feel better I'm thinking about when the next low will come. I think it's normal to not trust the highs when we are on such a rollercoaster..we know the next loop is coming soon! I've messaged my GP this morning and asked for my anti-ds to be upped..they did it no questions asked which I was surprised about!

@feeficken how's the writing going?
I find it easier to write as if I'm writing to a platform. As opposed to the person.
I find writing to the person just feels like I'm saying so much but they don't know abs I don't handle that well.
Thanks for your reply. I've been through an abusive marriage, and various break ups, but somehow this behaviour is worst then any of those.
Because it's so cruel. And so entitled.
He'll do this to another woman at some point and won't have the strength to get out. She'll get sucked into the games and he will destroy her.

@havecourage8bekind I do think that's exactly what is happening here. It's gaslighting and turning it round.
I feel like saying "hey dickhead, you're toxicity is showing" but utterly pointless. Utterly pointless.

@havecourage8bekind
Well done on upping the dosage. I was so disappointed in myself when I had to do that. But GP was totally cool abs just said totally, if it helps then where is the harm.
And I was considering lowering them again recently, but I'm not just yet. I need that extra crutch right now.

Mental illness or struggle is a difficult thing. We feel inadequate for treating it. Like there's something wrong with us but, f you role your leg you would treat it.
You would bandage it up and let it heal and support your body using tools and medication until it was better.
This is 100% the same thing. Well done you

@beachtrip you must be feeling so pissed off...but hope it shows you just how much better off you are!

@beachtrip thank you :) I appreciate that. It makes me feel embarrassed to have had to up them, and also angry at the fact that exH caused all these mental health issues I now face. Im hoping that time is a healer, therapy & some self belief mean that this time next year I'll be back to myself - whoever that even is! We've got this xx

@Beachtrip yes I know what you mean, I do feel writing it as though I am writing a book for someone else to read although no one else will read it does help to an extent. I think what anger me is its like my wife has no idea how deeply I am hurt right now and the scars that shes causing.

When I got the text saying he hadn't ghosted me he had just never heard from me and I made no effort to contact him I honestly nearly sent back "credit where it's due, you did always make me laugh"

But I didn't. Apparently he's sending all my stuff including a pink toothbrush that isn't mine... so what do we think about that?? Might there have been a reason to ghost me?? We'll never know 🤦🏻‍♀️

@feeficken
This is exactly how I do it. And I get you. They don't know but, they do know. And I don't like saying this because whilst it's supportive, it's always painful.
They do know, they just don't care.
They have their own rhetoric and they buy into it 100%. Fake news, alternative facts. Their version of events.
It's so painful. So painful. But every time she does this to you is another tiny cut in the string binding you. Eventually it will fray, and you'll say enough is enough. Research bread crumbing and emotional benching.
Painful reading but it might help.

@beachtrip did you tell him the toothbrush wasn't yours??

Yes.
Said I never left one there.
He said a pink one has mysteriously appeared.
Reiterated it isn't mine,
He said I can Chuck it when it gets here.

@beachtrip why can't he just throw it!? I bet you're dreading him dropping them off

He's posting it thankfully.
He can't be bothered to unwrap the parcel and remove it.
Just another way of getting me to take out the trash innit.

What a bastard. I wonder who's it is??? Hmmmmm

Hope it doesn't play on your mind too much about who's it is? I wonder whether he's done it on purpose to make you wonder. But who knows! He sounds delightful..

It's always fascinated me, why when something ends people have to go to such lengths to destroy each other?

Why can't you just walk away with dignity?
With some decorum?
Why do you have to destroy me on the way out?

I did feel better for sending the text. I had a wobble after the nasty replies but actually, I still feel better that I did it.
I've done this for me. It take courage and a deep belief that I had to put myself first. And I've done that and I feel so much stronger for it.
I've stood up for myself.

I don't care who's it is. I'll never have conclusive evidence of anything so why waste energy on it.

Gosh, bunch of warriors aren't we?

@beachtrip I agree, I don't understand the need to hurt the other person. You sound really strong in your decisions though and it's probably done you good reaching out and seeing what a gaslighting knob he is! Well done for staying true to yourself x

[quote havecourage8bekind]@beachtrip thank you :) I appreciate that. It makes me feel embarrassed to have had to up them, and also angry at the fact that exH caused all these mental health issues I now face. Im hoping that time is a healer, therapy & some self belief mean that this time next year I'll be back to myself - whoever that even is! We've got this xx [/quote]
That's something that really bothers me too - before my husband I might have had some anxiety etc, but for the most part I was independent, happy, motivated, etc...now I've got essentially some sort of PTSD from being with him, and I'm left to shoulder that burden for years to come, along with all the other messes he's left me with.

@irishoak its not uncommon to suffer PTSD as a result of infidelity or emotional abuse. There are studies to support that being hurt in this way can trigger PTSD. If you google infidelity and PTSD you can read a few good articles. Just remember that you feel the way you do because you are a caring loving person and you have been hurt in one of the worst ways imaginable and it really is that bad, there will be those that will trivialise this maybe family, friends or work colleagues but those are the ones that have not truly experienced the pain that this brings.

@irishoak @feeficken I definitely will check out som PTSD articles. I do believe that time will heal us and we will all come out of this stronger. Better days are coming xx

Today's a good day! Slept a solid 12 hours last night (insomnia days have been replaced by over sleeping it seems!?). Have had a really productive day, sorted the kitchen and dining room out..binned so much junk! Then treated myself & ordered some new bits for the house. I've also just managed to clear a SECOND store card since leaving my ex in November. I genuinely thought I'd be so much worse off without him financially...turns out I'm not crap with money, he just controlled where it all went before! How's everyone doing today? Sharing some of my positive vibes with you all xox

@havecourage8bekind
How awesome are you?!?
Amazing!
I found I was so much better financially when I kicked ex husband out. It was quite a shock actually.
And I too have cleared so much debt in the years that have elapsed since then.
90% of which was his abs I fought him at first and then one day just said "whatever, it's a small price to pay to be rid of you"

I have found the same. Much better with my money and more accountable when it's just me dealing with my own income.... I like knowing that I have control over it and nobody else!

Having a bit of a low day today but glad others are faring better. Endless house arrest is just wearing on me and feeling anxious about Monday's announcement regarding schools. Too much change and disruption this year, am really craving some peace and stability......

@beachtrip how amazing is it! I was so scared to be in charge of money and bills after ten years of being told where my money was going and what it was being spent on. I'm under no illusion that there will be tough months but right now, things are good!

@newsinglemum58 I'm also feeling anxious about Monday..Ive got a feeling he's not going to give us any real dates though..more of a roadmap of the order in which things will happen. I, too, crave some normality!! Xx

@havecourage8bekind yes I'm feeling a little like that too. Just think this is all so much pressure on parents.... do you remember the days when we stressed about 6 weeks summer holidays - how to keep them entertained etc?!

@newsinglemum we had no idea!!!!